Inappropriate behavior in niece - what to do

[Anonymous]

I have a difficult relationship with my SIL.

We have daughters the same age who LOVE each other, so I try to encourage the friendship. The two children see each other at least once a week. They are 9 years old. My DD often complains that she feels like she doesn't have any friends, so I would be loathe to break this friendship up.

Recently my precocious niece has asked me, "do you know what bisexual means?", told my daughter that the world is going to end in 2012, and asked me, "what does it feel like to get high?" When she asks me these things I tell her, "I don't think that's an appropriate topic of conversation". Also, she got into my frog tank and took out a frog, which disappeared and is now, I have to suppose, dead.

My niece is extremely bright and intellectually curious so I don't think she's merely being purile. She has a diagnosis and may be Aspergers. She has a wonderful imagination and the girls really enjoy pretend play together. The two share a love of reading. I have good communication with my daughter so when she asks me about the things she hears from her cousin I am able to discuss it with her. "Bisexual means able to love people of either gender", "High means people who use drugs (we have discussed the dangers of drugs)", "No the world is not going to end in 2012. Throughout history people have made predictions about the supposed end of the world and, obviously, have always been wrong" etc. So I feel confident that my daughter can talk to me about anything she may be getting from her cousin.

On the one hand I wonder if I'm wrong to encourage my daughter to spend so much time with her cousin. On the other hand I wonder if I should tell the parents about the things my niece is saying. My SIL will probably get angry if I say anything. Not sure I want to drop a bomb in the family dynamic.

WWYD?

[Anonymous]

We pick our friends but not our family. This relationship is full of teaching moments for you and your child, and for your niece. I would not break up the relationship at age 9. If, later down the road, she starts using drugs or something that puts your own child in peril, then you can re-evaluate. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

I definitely think that you should tell your SIL the types of things your niece is saying. She needs to know. Don't be preachy about it, but tell her that you are telling her because you would want to know if your daughter was talking about mature topics like those.

[Anonymous]

What your describing so far seems in the realm of typically curiosity/exploring/testing boundaries of a tween. They start to hear about more adult subjects and get curious about them. As long as you continue to have good dialogue with your own daughter, and you feel confident she talks to you about stuff, I wouldn't bring it up with the SIL. You think she will react angrily, and again I don't think at this point you've moved into anything dangerous. Another thing you can do is make sure your available to the niece for chats. Some kids find it difficult sometimes to discuss things with their parents, but open up to aunts, family friends, etc. It would be great if you could be a resource for this girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What your describing so far seems in the realm of typically curiosity/exploring/testing boundaries of a tween. They start to hear about more adult subjects and get curious about them. As long as you continue to have good dialogue with your own daughter, and you feel confident she talks to you about stuff, I wouldn't bring it up with the SIL. You think she will react angrily, and again I don't think at this point you've moved into anything dangerous. Another thing you can do is make sure your available to the niece for chats. Some kids find it difficult sometimes to discuss things with their parents, but open up to aunts, family friends, etc. It would be great if you could be a resource for this girl.

+1. You may not be ready to address these topics, but that doesn't mean your curious niece is being inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Forget about this niece... I want to hear more about this frog tank.

[Anonymous]

Really? You see it as normal for an 8 going on 9 YO to be informing adults, "Do you know what bisexual means"???? Because even if I had been curious about bisexuality, I wouldn't have been sharing what I'd learned about sex over breakfast at Dennys with an adult.

[Anonymous]

Your niece's behavior seems pretty typical from the examples you gave. They hear things, they ask about them. That is how it goes. I would be irritated about the frog tank but not surprised. Kids have a propensity for touching things they are curious about, especially when it has to do with animals. The more interesting thing to explore is why do you think you see these normal behaviors as inappropriate in your niece. If she has Aspergers, her unusual delivery may be what is setting you off instead of the content of her statements.

[Anonymous]

You are able to formulate appropriate and matter of fact responses to these questions ("Bisexual means...") but at the same time you feel it is inappropriate to ask. Kids ask all kinds of off the wall questions. It's not inappropriate to ask questions. It means she's bright.

[Anonymous]

Why dont you ask your sil for her "advice" on how she addresses these questions. That way you are informing her what her daughter is talking about framed in the assumption that she already knows- a little passive aggressive, i admit, but gets the message out that these things are being discussed. Whatever strain is on your relationship with your sil should not affect the girls' friendship until it becomes an issue of safety/bad choices etc. Right now its just curiosity.

And yes, please explain the frogs ...

[Anonymous]

Put some distance between the girls but when around them "Be available,"- spend one on one time with the niece (i.e. have her come over 1/2 early before you DD comes home from camp) to "connect" with her. Tell SIL her DD behavior, it's definitely important. Maybe use the guise that you committed to a camp with another of your friend's daughter and start to navigate separately... Little cold dispositin but your niece sounds like a negative child to have around..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are able to formulate appropriate and matter of fact responses to these questions ("Bisexual means...") but at the same time you feel it is inappropriate to ask. Kids ask all kinds of off the wall questions. It's not inappropriate to ask questions. It means she's bright.

My niece brings up these questions in front of other children. For example, the bisexual thing was in front of other people's children at a slumber party at my home. The drugs question was in front of my almost 5 YO.

I feel comfortable speaking matter-of-factly to my own child about these and other issues. I am not about to get into a discussion regarding bisexuality in front of other people's kids. I also would not presume to discuss it with my niece - can't be sure that my answers would be what her parents would want.

[Anonymous]

But you need to separate your feelings of discomfort from the notion that she's doing something inappropriate. She's just being a kid.

Why not say "Let's talk about that later."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What your describing so far seems in the realm of typically curiosity/exploring/testing boundaries of a tween. They start to hear about more adult subjects and get curious about them. As long as you continue to have good dialogue with your own daughter, and you feel confident she talks to you about stuff, I wouldn't bring it up with the SIL. You think she will react angrily, and again I don't think at this point you've moved into anything dangerous. Another thing you can do is make sure your available to the niece for chats. Some kids find it difficult sometimes to discuss things with their parents, but open up to aunts, family friends, etc. It would be great if you could be a resource for this girl.

+1. You may not be ready to address these topics, but that doesn't mean your curious niece is being inappropriate.

+2. I have a daughter the same age, she is an only, a bit on the immature side. Questions like this would cause me upset in the moment also but taking a step back I can see they are not really inappropriate and I am just having a tough time dealing with them and dealing with my daughter growing up.

I think it's fine thought to tell your niece its not a good time to dicuss that topic and move on to something else but I don't think I would try and stop her. I also think it makes it easier to discuss the topics with your own child because someone else has broken the ice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really? You see it as normal for an 8 going on 9 YO to be informing adults, "Do you know what bisexual means"???? Because even if I had been curious about bisexuality, I wouldn't have been sharing what I'd learned about sex over breakfast at Dennys with an adult.

But don't you want your children asking you those questions? My kids asked these sorts of things at that age, its perfectly normal. You can insist on the appropriate time and place, as in "this is not the time to tlak about this but I would be happy to discuss it later." Then do. Please don't cut off this friendship. Aside from the frog thing -- which sounds like an accident -- she hasn't done anything wrong.