Ex feeds kids junk constantly, both are gaining weight rapidy

[Anonymous]

I am in the process of divorce. Both of my young girls are pretty anxious by nature and they are very stressed out. Their Dad has them 2 evenings per week and one day on the weekend. We've always been a family that ate out a fair amount but their weight was stable. We had desserts and treats mainly after dinner on weekends. Recently they have gained a lot of weight. At their recent annual, that we both attended, the ped expressed concern about their weight and said that we should aim to stabilize it so the kids could grow into it. One DD has been teased by peers and she got teary telling the ped about it.

Since then the kids have visibly gotten bigger. They are also coming home from visits with lots of junky toys and jewelry. Not sure why the change in how he handles their time, we have been separated for a year. It turns out he has been giving them candy, ice cream and several cups of soda when he sees them. They had not had soda prior to the ped visit.

I'm not sure that talking about it is going to help, he is not the most stable person and when he feels that rules are being imposed he tends to rebel. I think that may be why he added soda to the mix after the ped said they should be drinking water or milk. I'm making sure we eat healthy and are active the rest of the time. I've also stopped buying the weekend treats before the weekends, they were starting to sneak food, which is also new. The 3 of us have started also started family therapy to help deal with their anxiety. DD did not want to go to the pool today and several pairs of shorts bought in June didn't fit when she went to get dressed this morning. Has anyone else dealt with this? He can't be the only one who wants that hit of "feel good" of giving them whatever they want. I'm sure that there is an element of wanting to annoy me too. Advice?

[Anonymous]

OP, those who're familiar with difficult divorces will be weighing in soon with good advice. I'm not the voice of experience, but my sense is that this is something you should raise with your lawyer. Your husband is undermining your daughters' health and wellbeing. It's especially interesting (and very sad) that he seems to have deliberately introduced soda since your daughters' ped said milk & water.

In addition to possibly addressing this problem through the legal system, can you work with your daughters to develop strategies for eating healthily at their father's house? You don't mention their ages, but it sounds like they're old enough to start exercising self control. Maybe you can turn this into a constructive exercise. Tell them, for example, that whoever can drink water instead of soda gets a (non-food) treat when they come home to you. Something along those lines.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. One is still young and one has impulse issues so I'm not sure the treat when they get home would work but I'll think about it.

They don't really go to his house often (that is another story) but he takes them out to eat on the 2 evenings and on the weekend they do other stuff. There are healthy options, I've suggested a few, I've even offered to feed them so he can do something fun with them in the evenings (my bad I know but that way they have healthy meals). The kids have asked to go to the pool or to the nearby park but end up at a restaurant instead. It's hard to ask pretty little kids to police themselves when someone is plying you with junk. There is also this huge uptick in junky toys or jewelry coming home if they go to the zoo or a museum, that used to be the treat in and of itself, and it is coinciding. I dunno if he is feeling more guilty or if he just wants adoration (he's pretty narcisisstic and the kids are not as into him as they once were, so maybe he is trying to "buy them"). If it were less frequent I'd just try to work around it but it is several times per week. He may come for just an hour but he does show up and take them. I think he basically takes them out to eat then has them play on the iPad during dinner, then brings them home. He was a bit more engaged even a few months ago and spent about twice as much time in the 3 visits. He also seems to be gaining weight rapidly, no idea what is up with that. If he's depressed or something, too bad, but the Disney dad path of least resistance parenting is not ok. If they act up at all he will call and say he is bringing them back. He used to manage a bit better. I'll bring it up with the lawyer. He thinks we are going to end up needing a parenting coordinator.

[Anonymous]

Problem isn't DH. Well, it is, but you can't control that.

Tell dd that if she's being teased it's time for her to stop eating the shit her dad gives her. If she does, she'll continue to be a fatty and deal with this for the rest of her life.

Educate the kids. My children are offered soda at other people's houses but know enough to not accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Problem isn't DH. Well, it is, but you can't control that.

Tell dd that if she's being teased it's time for her to stop eating the shit her dad gives her. If she does, she'll continue to be a fatty and deal with this for the rest of her life.

Educate the kids. My children are offered soda at other people's houses but know enough to not accept it.

Calling her daughter a "fatty" and not to eat the junk food is sure to backfire. Girls have enough trouble with body image in this country.

OP Can you enroll your girls in a sport or another physical activity to try and offset the effects of the excess calorie that they are consuming? Maybe schedule the activity so Dad has to take them to it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Problem isn't DH. Well, it is, but you can't control that.

Tell dd that if she's being teased it's time for her to stop eating the shit her dad gives her. If she does, she'll continue to be a fatty and deal with this for the rest of her life.

Educate the kids. My children are offered soda at other people's houses but know enough to not accept it.

Calling her daughter a "fatty" and not to eat the junk food is sure to backfire. Girls have enough trouble with body image in this country.

OP Can you enroll your girls in a sport or another physical activity to try and offset the effects of the excess calorie that they are consuming? Maybe schedule the activity so Dad has to take them to it?

Oh, bullshit. OP doesn't need to "offset" the calories of the junk food they are ingesting. She needs to teach them not to ingest it in the first place. The older DD is already experiencing the consequences of doing so. I say leverage that. She *is* a fatty, and as hard as that it is to hear, it's reality. Better to hear it now than pretend it's not a problem. Then maybe it won't continue to be a problem.

[Anonymous]

OP here - problem is that they are anxious kids and the more stressed that they get the more they want to eat. They never sneaked food before. It started around him cutting way back on the time with them and really checking out during it.

Pointing out that she is fat is not likely to build DD's self esteem. Her camp has noticed that both kids are more withdrawn this year, one teacher said they hold themselves back from the other kids a bit.

Re: activity - I've signed them up for swimming and for gymnastics camp and am trying to get them active every day. It's hard for them to refuse the junk b/c they know that he wants them to eat it. On some level they get that him being more disconnected and spending way less time overall goes with the handfuls of costume jewelry, they have both said things along the lines of having "mixed up" feelings about the stuff he has been buying. I've been neutral or admiring of the bling but I notice it doesn't get worn, which is different for them.

I think I'll just keep talking about healthy eating and how we all have to make healthy choices whereever we are, that way it's not so specific about their dad, but I can bring up playdates, etc, per PP.

STBX has always used them to meet his needs and has been pretty indifferent to what was good for them. This is a huge escalation though. He never seems to link cause and effect and I swear, it's like the ped saying milk or water triggered the soda. One DD had a cavity in the spring and he was b&*ching about dental bills, to turn around and start in with candy and soda a few weekds later makes no sense.

It all sucks, if we can't be on the same page about basic stuff like this with the ped involved it is going to be a very long 15 years. It's like he wants to just check out and pacify them with whatever gives instant gratification to make the time easier for him. Need to think if I can manipulate things so that won't be food.

[Anonymous]

Instead of holding back the treats, I would institute daily treats---in very small portions. A treat to me is a single piece of real Belgian chocolate, or a half coffee mug full of frozen yoghurt, ambrosia,...things that may 1) get them so accustomed to having something sweet that the novelty is gone, and 2) broadens their idea of what a treat might be.

You, of course, would plan meals to balance out the calories.

What about the fruit-based sparkling sodas at World Market? What about the fun of eating a pomegranate together? (We did this as kids.) Making popsicles? Air pop popcorn?

I'm sure there are a lot of websites dedicated to nutritious treats.

I say the answer is more, not less.

[Anonymous]

OP,
It's great you're seeing a therapist.
Just curious: How many transitions a week? 3/4 or is it choppier? Some anxious children do better with one.

Have you discussed what the pediatrician said with their father?

[Anonymous]

Sorry I saw that you both went to the pediatrician.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the same boat - ex allows a lot of junk food, far more than when we were together. I do all of the above - limit what I serve, teach and lead by example what is healthy eating, and up the exercise. Note that I don't mention that I'm limiting the junk or upping the exercise - I just limit portion sizes, encourage lower calorie snacks (a piece of hard candy vs. a bowl of ice cream) and say "no, you already had X today." That's enough to stop the weight gain for us. I'm kindof surprised your kids are getting noticeable heavier with just a few visits a week - how old are they? do you think they're eating more elsewhere?

[Anonymous]

It's about 4 meals a week. Has shifted to all fast food, plus typically candy, ice cream and multiple cups of soda, plus additional snacks and treats during the day. It is enough to cause weight gain. It contradicts everything said by the ped and by the dentist. Being married to a person with mental health issues sucked but him using the kids to either get good feelings or to try to piss me off is no picnic either.

[Anonymous]

At least when he lived with us he more or less ignored the kids. That used to concern me but this is so unhealthy. Clothes that were big on DD just a few weeks ago are too tight now.

The dynamic of Disney dad and mom who is barely scraping by is not lost on the kids either. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Problem isn't DH. Well, it is, but you can't control that.

Tell dd that if she's being teased it's time for her to stop eating the shit her dad gives her. If she does, she'll continue to be a fatty and deal with this for the rest of her life.

Educate the kids. My children are offered soda at other people's houses but know enough to not accept it.

Calling her daughter a "fatty" and not to eat the junk food is sure to backfire. Girls have enough trouble with body image in this country.

OP Can you enroll your girls in a sport or another physical activity to try and offset the effects of the excess calorie that they are consuming? Maybe schedule the activity so Dad has to take them to it?

Oh, bullshit. OP doesn't need to "offset" the calories of the junk food they are ingesting. She needs to teach them not to ingest it in the first place. The older DD is already experiencing the consequences of doing so. I say leverage that. She *is* a fatty, and as hard as that it is to hear, it's reality. Better to hear it now than pretend it's not a problem. Then maybe it won't continue to be a problem.

I stand by what I said, calling her daughter a fatty is not going to help anything. Her dd may be a "fatty" but you are something that rhymes with itch.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure that 4 out of 21 meals a week could solely be responsible for rapid weight gain.

Sounds like this is a blame game and dad is it.