if you are a second generation american who has family in another country... what would you do?

[Anonymous]

both spouses are second gen Americans and come from the same "home" country. the male spouse has gone several times to home country. the female spouse has not, mostly b/c kids have been too young and due to work-constraints. one spouse has a wedding of a cousin the wk of christmas/new years. that spouse would very much like to attend the wedding and catch up with family. that week is known to be particularly cold in the country they are from. there is no central heating, no hot water pumps for hot showers, they only have space hearters so bedrooms might be warm, but bathrooms and common areas are cold. etc. none of the families we would propose to stay with has young kinds, aka, there will be no swing sets or toys or playmates for our kids. this is also a country of some unrest and we would prefer not to take the kids out too frequently - we would all be easy "targets" given our american accents. there are frequent power outages and gas shortages.

so, the spouse whose family wedding it ISN'T doesn't want to take the kids (3 and 2) to this country at this time due to these problems.

the spouse with the family wedding wants to go anyways to see their family. this trip will suck up all vacation days for this spouse for the next 6-8 months. so, this nuclear family will have no trips in the next year because one spouse wants to travel.

what would you do?

spouse with family wedding should get to go, no matter what?
spouse with no relation to wedding should suck it up and deal and go?
spouse with family wedding should sacrifice wedding b/c it will cause loss to their nuclear family vacation time?

[Anonymous]

I choose spouse with family wedding should get to go because that spouse wants to go and catch up with family. Sorry about the vaca time but you can do vaca next year. Spouse with family in the other country doesn't have this kind of opportunity often. No kids because you don't want to put them in any kind of danger.

[Anonymous]

Well, let the spouse that wants to go, go. The other one stays home with the kids. Or better yet, takes the kid to a warm island trip!

[Anonymous]

Well, I'll put it this way, I've been to Egypt twice since their revolution started, taking my young kids. Not sure how your country compares to Cairo's unrest, but the rest of it sounds similar. My litmus test is State Department warnings.

[Anonymous]

First of all you should stop saying my family versus your family. You're married and you're all one family now.

DH and I are from different countries and whenever there's a family celebration we all go AS A FAMILY. The kids have so little exposure to our families we don't miss one chance to get a bit more of family time.

[Anonymous]

It's not clear to me from your story whether the spouse that wants to go is the one who has been several times recently or not.

How close is the spouse to their cousin?

[Anonymous]

When I married someone with ties to another country, I pretty much knew a hugh share of vacation time would go to visits. Sorry. No sympathy about "no vacation time for a half a year"

Send the one who wants to go, or commit to going as a family during a better time of year for taking the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all you should stop saying my family versus your family. You're married and you're all one family now.

DH and I are from different countries and whenever there's a family celebration we all go AS A FAMILY. The kids have so little exposure to our families we don't miss one chance to get a bit more of family time.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:both spouses are second gen Americans and come from the same "home" country. the male spouse has gone several times to home country. the female spouse has not, mostly b/c kids have been too young and due to work-constraints. one spouse has a wedding of a cousin the wk of christmas/new years. that spouse would very much like to attend the wedding and catch up with family. that week is known to be particularly cold in the country they are from. there is no central heating, no hot water pumps for hot showers, they only have space hearters so bedrooms might be warm, but bathrooms and common areas are cold. etc. none of the families we would propose to stay with has young kinds, aka, there will be no swing sets or toys or playmates for our kids. this is also a country of some unrest and we would prefer not to take the kids out too frequently - we would all be easy "targets" given our american accents. there are frequent power outages and gas shortages.

so, the spouse whose family wedding it ISN'T doesn't want to take the kids (3 and 2) to this country at this time due to these problems.

the spouse with the family wedding wants to go anyways to see their family. this trip will suck up all vacation days for this spouse for the next 6-8 months. so, this nuclear family will have no trips in the next year because one spouse wants to travel.

what would you do?

spouse with family wedding should get to go, no matter what?
spouse with no relation to wedding should suck it up and deal and go?
spouse with family wedding should sacrifice wedding b/c it will cause loss to their nuclear family vacation time?

As second generation from the home country I assume parents [grandparents of children]of the OP/DH were born here. I also then qualify as a second generation American on one side. Are the grandparents also flying to your HOME country? Are cousins and others living in the USA attending this overseas wedding?

Unless the grandparents and the OP and the DH were only children I assume there is extended family in the USA. Given the situation/timeline I think it's odd for the DH to be scurrying over to the HOME country. When my family came here USA became the HOME.

[Anonymous]

First, USA is home. You have relatives who live in another country.

Second, it does not sound like a good environment for children. Personally, we would put safety first and not go. If something happens while you are in this other country, you are on your own. If the one spouse feels strongly and wants to go let them, but one parent and the kids should stay here.

I'm second generation American and I have cousins overseas, but would not travel for a wedding unless it was safe and we could do it without putting ourselves in a financial bind.

Also, I consider America home -- never refer to the other country as home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, USA is home. You have relatives who live in another country.

Second, it does not sound like a good environment for children. Personally, we would put safety first and not go. If something happens while you are in this other country, you are on your own. If the one spouse feels strongly and wants to go let them, but one parent and the kids should stay here.

I'm second generation American and I have cousins overseas, but would not travel for a wedding unless it was safe and we could do it without putting ourselves in a financial bind.

Also, I consider America home -- never refer to the other country as home.

um excuse you? I merely live in America
. It's certainly not home to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, USA is home. You have relatives who live in another country.

Second, it does not sound like a good environment for children. Personally, we would put safety first and not go. If something happens while you are in this other country, you are on your own. If the one spouse feels strongly and wants to go let them, but one parent and the kids should stay here.

I'm second generation American and I have cousins overseas, but would not travel for a wedding unless it was safe and we could do it without putting ourselves in a financial bind.

Also, I consider America home -- never refer to the other country as home.

um excuse you? I merely live in America
. It's certainly not home to me.

Not home? Then GTFO and go back to your unheated hovel and civil unrest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, USA is home. You have relatives who live in another country.

Second, it does not sound like a good environment for children. Personally, we would put safety first and not go. If something happens while you are in this other country, you are on your own. If the one spouse feels strongly and wants to go let them, but one parent and the kids should stay here.

I'm second generation American and I have cousins overseas, but would not travel for a wedding unless it was safe and we could do it without putting ourselves in a financial bind.

Also, I consider America home -- never refer to the other country as home.

um excuse you? I merely live in America
. It's certainly not home to me.

Not home? Then GTFO and go back to your unheated hovel and civil unrest.

I agree. I never id ed myself as second generation before my above HOME post. If the poster who lives here but doesn't regard it as home is a citizen let that be revoked. Too many people in these days of convenient air travel get citizenship. It used to be you come and stay and can't afford to or have access to running back to wherever. In my family 1 person out of dozens ever even went over to see the prior country---decades later. DH is second generation also and a few have within the last decade gone there on vacation. Not to see extended family they don't even know. Huddled masses yearning to breathe free ??? No just some where to live with no loyalty or sense of home.

[Anonymous]

I'm the 7:56 poster. I do have to wonder at the mindset of some folks when they immigrate here. Personally I think we as a nation have an overwhelming need to identify ourselves as our heritage vs. stating I'm an American. It amazes me how people want to say they (and this is an example, I'm not picking on any nationality) are Italian American even though their family immigrated here @100 years ago or more. At what point do you become American?

Do Americans when they immigrate to Germany, do they call themselves American Germans? I suspect the answer is no....

[Anonymous]

The one spouse goes to the wedding without the family.

The other spouse takes their own vacation with the kids in the US (visits friends someplace, maybe).