How much did I hurt my friend.

[Anonymous]

My BFF and I are each single parents with one child. We're both godmothers to the other's child. Both girls are teenagers, but her daughter is several years older than mine. Her daughter has significant language and learning issues, but is doing well in a private special ed school. She's a wonderful young woman, and she has worked so hard and come so far! Unfortunately, although I'd love to see my goddaughter a lot and be part of her life, she lives on the opposite coast. So, i's been a couple years since I've seen her, or since my BFF has seen my daughter.

I'm not one to brag about my child, but I'm even more careful with her. I'll call to celebrate if my daughter does something non-academic. For example, I'll send her a picture of a choir concert, and she'll send me a picture of her daughter's art show, but I wouldn't call with an academic achievement, even though I certainly celebrate with her as her daughter learns and reaches academic milestones, such as passing a key course for graduation. I also call her for parenting advice sometimes, because I trust her judgement and think she's a wonderful mother. And of course, since she's my best friend I also call for non-kid things like to talk about an actor we both admire or vent about my boss.

Yesterday, I called her to chat, and in the course of talking, I told her about an incident that had happened that day. The incident isn't important to tell here, but it happened when my child was on the metro unaccompanied. It was probably clear from the way I told the story that she's on the metro all the time, going various places, and that I no longer really worry about her doing so because it's part of her routine. My friend seemed a little surprised, but then commented that when you haven't a kid for a few years, it's hard to imagine them growing up. I agreed that that is certainly true!

After I told my story, my friend got quiet. She said she wanted to tell me a story. She did, and the story was about how her daughter walked to MacDonald's by herself. It was clearly the first time she'd taken this step on her own. I got the feeling she had been planning to tell me how proud she was of her daughter. This is a big step for any kid, and even bigger for her kid, and I totally get how proud she was. However, I was also surprised, just like it hadn't occurred to my friend that my child had taken this step, it hadn't really occurred to me that hers hadn't. Anyway, after she heard my story, she turned hers into more of a self deprecating story about how silly she was to worry so much. With my story "in her face" I think that her feelings changed from pride to being aware of how far behind her daughter is, and worrying about what this meant for the future. I felt awful that I had ruined a moment that should have been special for her.

In addition to feeling awful, I feel torn. Part of me wants to walk on eggshells to avoid hurting her. Another part of me realizes that our friendship depends on the ability for us to share. I know I value hearing about her life and picturing my goddaughter growing up. I assume she feels the same way. If I avoid talking about major portions of our life, it would seem odd.

I guess I'm wondering if others can tell me where they'd like the line to be drawn. When would you rather friends kept things to themselves, and what would you rather they shared?

[Anonymous]

I think you should share pretty much what you just wrote here with your friend. If I were your friend and in her shoes I would appreciate the honesty and caring I your story. You are lucky to have each other,

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think you should walk on eggshells, and I don't think you did anything wrong - no one gets it right 100% of the time. How close are you to the BFF? I think acknowledgment of difference (or that this may be a sensitive area) can go a long way.

[Anonymous]

Her daughter will get there eventually. Maybe she'll get there later than other kids her age, but as long as she's making progress, that's GREAT. Everyone's got their own challenges. I'm sure it was clear you did not boast, you did not tell your story to one-up your friend, you are not pitting your child against hers. You did nothing wrong.

Did discovering how far behind her daughter is hurt her feelings? Yes, maybe. But I believe intent counts for a LOT. You did not INTEND to hurt her feelings.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I hate when people take a mournful, I'm so sorry tone about my SN child. There's really nothing to be sorry about. You don't hurt an SN mother just by talking about your child's accomplishments any more than you hurt any other mother. Yes, there may be a stark difference between what your child is accomplishing and what this child is accomplishing but EVERY child has accomplishments and they get celebrated. Perhaps you can pop some McDonald's gift certificates in the mail to this mom and her child with a note that says "We are so excited to hear about Melanie's solo walk to Mickey D's -- that is fabulous!" Just get into the spirit of any accomplishment, that is what is called for. Don't worry about comparing your child and her child and don't play down your child -- that is phony.

[Anonymous]

5:36 again -- what I really liked about your post was that you said you ask your friend for parenting advice sometimes. This shows that you have a great relationship and that you know she's a REAL parent too.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PPs. You both sound like very good friends and you're both lucky to have the relationship you do - not everyone does. I think things would have been easier if you'd been physicaly closer because this issue would have come up much sooner and you would have worked through any awkwardness earlier. None of us should have to edit important events in your life. We stress to our kids (NT and SN) that we shouldn't be comparing our achievements with others because the important thing is to do the best with what you've got. The real measure of acheivement is doing your best and working hard. This is what we celebrate. Do we all feel best about accomplishing things that were hard and not easy? It sounds like perhaps you and your firend were both editing things in your life in an effort to minimize awkwardness and this was just a moment when there was a slip. I think it would be a great opportunity for you to say to your friend some of the things you've posted here so you can more easily move beyond this and stop walking on eggshells. I especially like the idea of the McDonald's gift certificates.

I also wanted to say that I have moments like your friend where it's hard for me to remember that it really is about doing the best with what you've got. "Envy" isn't quite the right word but for lack of a better one - I 'envy' the ease some have. I wish things came easier. But, that's just a weak moment and it doesn't mean I want to stop hearing about the acheivments of my friends' kids. It's my issue, not theirs and I don't want them to stop sharing and I don't want them walking on eggshells around me! You sound like a great person.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am someone who is somewhat in your friend's shoes. My DS (15) is SN. My nephew (14) is an extremely high achiever and all-around fantastically "successful" kid who has a briliant future.

My sister and I are very close. I can tell she is sensitive to the disparity between our two sons. Several years ago, when my nephew's giftedness became obvious, I could tell my sister felt uncomfortable sharing his accomplishments with me.

Finally I sat her down and told her, "Look... we both love our sons. But yes, they are VERY different. And you know what? I am fiercely proud of [nephew]. He is going to BE something some day and I will brag to everyone -- 'That's MY nephew and I knew him when...'.

I ENJOY the fact that he is so bright and has such a promising future, and I look forward to watching him grow and succeed. PLEASE never hold back bragging about him to me. I am proud of my son, too, and equally treasure HIS accomplishments and love how you share in my delight when I tell you his latest triumphs.

So just knock off being hesitant and awkward or I'm going to smack you upside the head -- OK?"

She still has her moments, but at those times I just threaten to smack her and she gets back with the program.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I hate when people take a mournful, I'm so sorry tone about my SN child. There's really nothing to be sorry about. You don't hurt an SN mother just by talking about your child's accomplishments any more than you hurt any other mother. Yes, there may be a stark difference between what your child is accomplishing and what this child is accomplishing but EVERY child has accomplishments and they get celebrated. Perhaps you can pop some McDonald's gift certificates in the mail to this mom and her child with a note that says "We are so excited to hear about Melanie's solo walk to Mickey D's -- that is fabulous!" Just get into the spirit of any accomplishment, that is what is called for. Don't worry about comparing your child and her child and don't play down your child -- that is phony.

I agree. You don't need to play down your child's accomplishments - both girls' achievements should be celebrated.

[Anonymous]

I have an NT child and a child with Aspergers, and there is a part of me that is relieved that I don't have to go through that whole competitive parenting thing (check out the private school thread if you want to see what I am talking about)with my SN child. I try to ignore it with my NT child but sometimes its difficult. With my SN I have the gift of accepting him exactly as he is.

I have had moments of jealousy about my SN child, and they tend to be small moments like seeing how other kids have a much easier time negotiating life. But I have never been jealous of my friend's kids -- we find commonality where it exists and otherwise we don't. I feel very very lucky to have both my kids and when other people act like poor you for what you have to put up with I am always surprised and confused. I love that kid.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are making a lot of assumptions, OP. You assume what your friend's daughter can or can't do based on your assumptions of her limitations and then you make assumptions of how she feels in reaction to you talking about what you assume to be your child's accomplishments.

Take a step back and stop assuming you see the situation clearly and in its naked, objective truth. Listen to your friend and respond to what she says, not what you think she means. Don't hold back when it comes to discussing your daughter, which can be awkward, but be mindful of any hidden competition you may be fostering in your sharing.

Talk to her directly, as a PP suggests, about your worry and discomfort about communicating well. All these steps might help you navigate this difficult space.