How to help DH keep his cool with our kids?

[Anonymous]

We have 2 kids, 2 and 4 years old. The 2 year old can be quite a handful and has been going through a biting and hitting phase that's seemingly lasted forever. Last night, he was up for about 3 hours total simply hysterical for some reason- I don't know if he'd had a nightmare or what. He's also started a new classroom at daycare, which probably is the underlying cause. He was screaming NO repeatedly and it was almost like he was having a night terror, but we could have a conversation with him. Unfortunately, he was writhing around, hitting, scratching, biting, kicking, and pinching. Obviously this is bad enough during the day, but after we'd been up with him for several hours in the middle of the night, patience was wearing thin. My husband yelled STOP several times in a tone that I thought was way too harsh. Of course yelling made our son cry even harder.

I told DH this morning that while I understand it's a very trying time, especially when DS is deliberately trying to hurt us, that he needs to keep his cool better and that yelling only makes it worse. There was a pause and then he said back, "Well, you're guilty of that too." Actually, I'm not really, but whatever. I told him that we both need to do a better job.

How can I help DH with his patience better? He knows that patience is not his strong suit overall, not just with the kids. And how can I help him snap out of it, for lack of a better term, when incidents happen in the most trying of circumstances- like at 3am, with a hysterical kid who is hitting and biting? We don't spank, but I feel like I can sense a spank coming in the tone of voice DH uses.

[Anonymous]

How often does your husband lose his cool? I consider my partner and myself to be pretty mellow parents, but we have both raised our voice at our daughter in similar circumstances. Of course it's useless to yell at a hysterical child, but I don't think the occasional STOP will hurt your son. If it's just an occasional yell, I would just have short conversation with your husband and remind him that (for both of you) it's always okay to just put the kid back in the crib and leave the room, or he can always come get you and have you take over if he feels like he's losing it.

[FBO]

Dont be so quick to dismiss your actions as well. You seem to be taking the 'Its not me, its him' approach when in reality it is both of you together.

Sometimes kids need to be yelled at before they understand. Fight fire with fire and all that.

Also remember that your kid will benefit from each of you having your own parenting style. Instead of saying ' you use the wrong tone' try offering other suggestions.

Can you put the kid in timeout in another part of the house?

Can you both use earplugs while hes screaming?

Can you take the kid outside somewhere and let him scream his head off?

Can you wear the kid out at night so they are tired?

Can you give them a little benadryl to calm the kid down?

Im just thinking out loud here but consider some of those things. Obviously current methods dont work so try something new. Just do it as a team with your hubby. Together.

Best of luck to you guys.

[Anonymous]

Lay off your poor husband. After hours of being screamed at he raised his voice and said stop. He didn't swear, he didn't spank, he used an angry tone....this is hardly losing his cool.

[Anonymous]

When we went through trying times with our 3, we would take turns. So, let's say DH started. Once he hit his limit of patience, I would take over. I remember this particularly when we transitioned to a crib. We also learned a ton from a program our preschool ran throughout the year called Conscious Discipline. They did workshops about this discipline style, which the preschool also practiced. I tell you, with regard to our parenting style, it was life changing. Gave us a whole new perspective. www.consciousdiscipline.com . We all have moments where we lose our cool. DH and I really try not to judge each other when one loses it because of a child being out of control. Chances are, he felt bad about it anyway. Is your child taking any medication? The reason I ask is that my middle son had a terrible time with night terrors, until we stopped giving him singulair (for asthma). Stopped within a few days.

[Anonymous]

In our house, I'm the one with less patience than my husband. I'm working on it for sure, but I've got a ways to go before I match his sense of calm. Even so, he's amazingly non-judgmental and supportive of me. Always. Here's what he does to help me stay calm:

First, he never (and I mean NEVER) corrects or criticizes me in front of the kids, even when I'm losing my cool. He just gracefully steps in so I can take a break and clear my head. Often there's eye contact between us in that moment, and it's light and kind -- rolling his eyes about DD or otherwise acknowleging she's being difficult, or motioning with his eyes for me to leave the room, but with a smile on his face. I walk away feeling grateful for the help/support, not embarassed or defensive.

Sometimes he mentions it later in a gentle, non-critical way -- long after the moment, usually when the kids are asleep and he and I are relaxed and happy. He never uses "you" statements (as in "You lost your cool in there with DD.") -- he focuses more on DD and what works with her ("DD seems to calm down more quickly when we do X" and "Remember when you tried Y and it worked?") I come away feeling two things: (1) reminded that DH loves me no matter what; and (2) motivated to do "better" with DD.

I share all this because you're the most important thing that can help DH keep his cool. Shame is NOT a motivator for most people. Neither is judgment. It usually brings out a defensive response -- like what your DH said back to you.

Beyond that, here are some strategies that work for me:

(1) Taking three deep breaths before responding to DD's escalating screaming/fits/demands. I now do it quite visibly -- trying to model to DD so she learns how to stay calm, too. Sometimes I even hold up my fingers to count, one at a time as I breathe.

(2) Imagine I'm being videotaped and everyone I know will gather later to watch the movie. And then it will be played again at my daughter's 13th birthday party, right as she's gearing up for the teenage years. Silly, but it reminds me not to say or do anything I would be embarassed about later.

(3) Remind myself that DD is learning from my example. If I scream or belittle or otherwise behave poorly, she'll dish it right back at us AND her peers over time. Not good.

(4) I ask DH to step in. Sometimes it's explicit -- "I can't deal. Can you handle this?" -- sometimes it's just walking out of the room for a few minutes and then coming back in. It's ok to "admit" I need a break. I love our kids, but they can be a handful at times.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lay off your poor husband. After hours of being screamed at he raised his voice and said stop. He didn't swear, he didn't spank, he used an angry tone....this is hardly losing his cool.

I think this, and you were very quick to dismiss your husbands concerns.

[FBO]

Anonymous wrote:In our house, I'm the one with less patience than my husband.
Good luck.

-snip-

Mentally filed away all comments to my knowledge base for future use.

Thank you for a very good, well thoughtout, and concise response!

[Anonymous]

Maybe your DH didn't feel his tone was too harsh given the situation. He is an equal parent too (or is he?). Your opinion isn't the only one.

Saying STOP to a hitting biting 3 yr old is not extreme or worth a lecture from you about him being a bad parent who needs to change.

Next time ask him how he felt about the exchange and what worked and didn't and talk it through rather than scolding him like a child for not being like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lay off your poor husband. After hours of being screamed at he raised his voice and said stop. He didn't swear, he didn't spank, he used an angry tone....this is hardly losing his cool.

I agree with this. This said as someone with a DH who is in anger management but who has never yelled at DD (only me). Your DH shouted "stop" after three hours of relentless tantruming. Even a saint can only take so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How often does your husband lose his cool? I consider my partner and myself to be pretty mellow parents, but we have both raised our voice at our daughter in similar circumstances. Of course it's useless to yell at a hysterical child, but I don't think the occasional STOP will hurt your son. If it's just an occasional yell, I would just have short conversation with your husband and remind him that (for both of you) it's always okay to just put the kid back in the crib and leave the room, or he can always come get you and have you take over if he feels like he's losing it.

OP here. He's never fully lost it, like gone on a rampage or anything, but he can be pushed daily. I'm not talking about just raising one's voice to a child; it's hard to describe, but there's a meanness I hear in his voice. Like he's clenching his teeth. If he ever talked to me in the same tone, I would be very upset.

His entire family has explosive tempers (like gotten kicked out of restaurants before for belitting restaurant staff, etc.). DH knows and recognizes a little bit of the same in him, but in the moment, he seems to forget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lay off your poor husband. After hours of being screamed at he raised his voice and said stop. He didn't swear, he didn't spank, he used an angry tone....this is hardly losing his cool.

I think this, and you were very quick to dismiss your husbands concerns.

OP here. He yelled STOP in a very mean tone repeatedly over the course of 3 hours. I'm not saying he didn't have a right to be upset and frustrated (I was too), but what I'm looking for is a way to communicate to DH that yelling like that does nothing to help the situation. One of the times he yelled, DS was in our bed and was wiggling around and kicking. He wasn't crying at that point, but when DH yelled at him (with an implicit "or else" as well), it made DS scream at the top of his lungs. It only escalated the situation even more.

You may choose to not believe me, but I actually don't yell at my kids. I have many faults, but yelling is not one of them, and when DH is not being defensive, even he agrees with that. My aunt told my mother I have a quiet disciplinary style.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we went through trying times with our 3, we would take turns. So, let's say DH started. Once he hit his limit of patience, I would take over. I remember this particularly when we transitioned to a crib. We also learned a ton from a program our preschool ran throughout the year called Conscious Discipline. They did workshops about this discipline style, which the preschool also practiced. I tell you, with regard to our parenting style, it was life changing. Gave us a whole new perspective. www.consciousdiscipline.com . We all have moments where we lose our cool. DH and I really try not to judge each other when one loses it because of a child being out of control. Chances are, he felt bad about it anyway. Is your child taking any medication? The reason I ask is that my middle son had a terrible time with night terrors, until we stopped giving him singulair (for asthma). Stopped within a few days.

I am curious to know which preschool in using the Conscious Discipline techniques? I watched Becky Bailey's videos and I think she is spot on. I wish my child's school would use her techniques.

[Anonymous]

OP- it's not entirely clear to me after reading all the posts where your husband would fall on an objective scale of anger management. If you expect him to also adopt a "quite disciplinary style," that may really be asking too much. However, if it seems like he is having trouble controlling his anger, and in turn that is putting you on edge, it seems worth addressing. Would he be willing to do a limited number of sessions in couples therapy-maybe that would help you get a baseline for where he falls on the quick-to-anger scale and where you fall on the sensitive-to-anger scale. If the therapist thinks anger management classes are warranted, it might be helpful to have that outside perspective-rather than having you tell him to go.