Reply to How to help DH keep his cool with our kids?

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[quote=Anonymous]In our house, I'm the one with less patience than my husband.  I'm working on it for sure, but I've got a ways to go before I match his sense of calm.  Even so, he's amazingly non-judgmental and supportive of me.  Always.  Here's what he does to help me stay calm:

First, he never (and I mean NEVER) corrects or criticizes me in front of the kids, even when I'm losing my cool.  He just gracefully steps in so I can take a break and clear my head.  Often there's eye contact between us in that moment, and it's light and kind -- rolling his eyes about DD or otherwise acknowleging she's being difficult, or motioning with his eyes for me to leave the room, but with a smile on his face.  I walk away feeling grateful for the help/support, not embarassed or defensive.

Sometimes he mentions it later in a gentle, non-critical way -- long after the moment, usually when the kids are asleep and he and I are relaxed and happy.  He never uses "you" statements (as in "You lost your cool in there with DD.") -- he focuses more on DD and what works with her ("DD seems to calm down more quickly when we do X" and "Remember when you tried Y and it worked?")  I come away feeling two things:  (1) reminded that DH loves me no matter what; and (2) motivated to do "better" with DD.

I share all this because you're the most important thing that can help DH keep his cool.  Shame is NOT a motivator for most people.  Neither is judgment.  It usually brings out a defensive response -- like what your DH said back to you.

Beyond that, here are some strategies that work for me:

(1)  Taking three deep breaths before responding to DD's escalating screaming/fits/demands.  I now do it quite visibly -- trying to model to DD so she learns how to stay calm, too.  Sometimes I even hold up my fingers to count, one at a time as I breathe.

(2)  Imagine I'm being videotaped and everyone I know will gather later to watch the movie.  And then it will be played again at my daughter's 13th birthday party, right as she's gearing up for the teenage years.  :-)  Silly, but it reminds me not to say or do anything I would be embarassed about later.

(3)  Remind myself that DD is learning from my example.  If I scream or belittle or otherwise behave poorly, she'll dish it right back at us AND her peers over time.  Not good.

(4)  I ask DH to step in.  Sometimes it's explicit -- "I can't deal.  Can you handle this?" -- sometimes it's just walking out of the room for a few minutes and then coming back in.  It's ok to "admit" I need a break.  I love our kids, but they can be a handful at times.  :-)

Good luck.  [/quote]

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