Going Back to an Abusive Relationship
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Anonymous
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I've been with my boyfriend for three years. Our relationship is better now; I know he's trying but deep down I'm afraid one day, he'll go back to his old way. In the beginning, he was wonderful, it almost felt like it was "too good to be true." Then it started going down hill months into the relationship, but by then, I was already far too deep in love. I started noticing red flags which started with him getting jealous, but I always made excuses for his behavior/rationalized it. He was good to me in other ways (or just good at manipulating me) that I let the signs go. He would get nitpicky about every thing I did, how I did it, belittle me when he thought I was doing something incorrectly, which seemed like everything I did. It got to the point where I was walking on eggshells every day and was scared of saying something that would rub him the wrong way, and I 'd second guess myself even for the most minor of things, like if I was washing the dishes the right way. It really took a toll on my self-esteem and for a while I felt confused, felt like I was going crazy....because every time I'd cry or when we would get in an argument where I would voice my opinion or defend myself, he would say I was crazy/too sensitive/don't have a backbone...
After two years, I eventually went to therapy, which was my idea. And also at that point, it got physical - he pushed me off the bed after I told him to turn the t.v. off. I think it was my way of trying to reach out to somebody to get the validation I needed. I realized a lot in therapy. I can't emphasize that enough. He was always well-liked by everyone, I think thats why it took me a long time to even begin to think the worse of someday I loved or that claimed to love me....my parents loved him...he was charismatic...he was a nice guy. He was just mean to ME, and it wasn't always obvious meanness...it was subtle. I know his father was overly-critical with him growing up. My mother was overly critical with me growing up. Maybe that was the attraction and the reason why I stayed to fix things. Messed up I know. I ask myself "why" all the time. I really don't know why I stayed with him, or even why I'm giving him a second chance. The one bright thing is the therapy led me to confront him. I don't remember what I said exactly but I threw the word - abuse and I told him he needed help. He denied it, even blamed me for it. He broke up with me and I moved in with my parents for a few months. Tried to build myself back up. We reconciled since then. He's made a number of improvements. He occasionally has his "tantrums" or mutter something insensitive but he realizes it in a swift minute and apologizes. It's been almost a year of repatching and since then, he's been different. But will it last? Has anyone been in my situation and can tell me their experience. I'm going slow. My therapist says abusers seldom change. Are abusers capable of change? Can they do this without therapy? |
Anonymous
| Abusers are unlikely to change unless they do some SERIOUS work on themselves, usually in therapy. Google cycle of abuse - you are in the honeymoon phase again. |
Anonymous
| Just go and read your first paragraph over and over, especially the part about walking on eggshells. If you're not in therapy, get back so you can have someone objective to help you MOVE ON. You deserve much better than this guy is able to give. Break the cycle now. |
Anonymous
| You seem young. Drop this guy. I was you at 25 and got out. Best decision ever. After lots more therapy, I met someone who treats me like a queen. Married 6 years and have 2 adorable kids. I shudder when I think about what my life might have been had I stayed with my abusive boyfriend. There is no happy ending if you stay. |
Anonymous
| Two year olds have tantrums. When grown men have them, head for the exit sign. |
Anonymous
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I've been with my spouse for more than two decades. Neither of us is perfect, but he would never do any of things your boyfriend does. Pushing you off the bed? Belittling the way you wash dishes? No. What your boyfriend is doing is mean and he sounds unstable.
Really, mature adults do not throw tantrums. They just don't. You can live in a marriage for decades with someone who never throws a tantrum. They may get frustrated or upset, but they don't get abusive. Please do not stay. You have come far. He is honeymooning along. In the next few years, life may add kids, sleep deprivation, jobs that tire you, inlaws that bug you, health problems, etc. The normal stuff of life. If your boyfriend is like this now, then it is likely he will become worse once these other stressors are part of the picture. |
Anonymous
| I would get out now while you're not bound together by kids. The abuse will creep |
Anonymous
| I would get out now while you're not bound together by kids. The abuse will creep back into your relationahip. He's on his best behavior now, to win you back. Is he in therapy himself? |
Anonymous
| Also - does your family now know that he was abusive? |
Anonymous
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Hi there, OP, I understand what you are going through in that I've been in a verbally abusive relationship for over 10 years, with two small children. I can tell you that it really is a cycle. That they go through the "honeymoon" phase (which I'm in again now) and when they have you, they creep back to their old ways -- and you are walking on eggshells again. I can't turn back time for myself, and I wouldn't trade my two beautiful children for the world. But, I strongly advise you to please, PLEASE cut things off now, dont have children with him especially. My DH didn't begin his true "abuse" until after we had children, and he knew I was really "trapped" with him in a way......... How do you know that the true colors he already showed aren't the baseline honeymoon phase? That it could get much much worse. The fact that he has already pushed you off a bed is the biggest red flag -- that he has already crossed the line from verbal to physical abuse.
Tell your family about him and expose his ways so they don't inadvertantly pressure you to get back together. Do you have financial resources to live independently>? What is the attraction to getting back together wih him? Are you afraid of being alone? Afraid you won't find love again? You sound young and that you can bounce back. Good luck! I'm sorry for all you've been through. I assume you've read Patricia Evan's "The Verbally Abusive Relationship?" It is a must-read and I cried for a day as I read it, watching my life play out over the pages of a book. It might give you the perspective you need to not go back to this toxic relationship. |
Anonymous
Take your own words--and your own concerns--very seriously. I'd never recommend sticking with someone like this. I've been with my husband 20 years, and I can say that I couldn't imagine getting over that kind of abuse and then going on to lead a happy and loving life together. No matter how high the potential that two people might have had for a wonderful relationship, I believe that abuse destroys it. Good luck moving on with life and finding someone who can love you without hurting you. You deserve better. |
Anonymous
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OP, men like this don't change without a true motivation to work on themselves, and not to get you back, but to work on themselves. Batterer's Intervention Programs are only mildly successful, and they sometimes run as long as 52 weeks. This is simply not going to change. I'm so sorry that you've gone through this but be grateful that he showed his true colors early enough for you to move on and not be locked in either through marriage or children. Seriously, he gave you that gift at least. He's shown who he is. I've worked in the field of domestic violence since 1989, and at one time ran a batterer's group. The work is intense and extremely difficult and uncomfortable for the men at first. You can see if they hit that point of realizing that it's a respect thing, and not just for you, but for themselves. It's a rare thing to see for sure.
The last thing I would say is your reticence in believing that this is the real deal in terms of his changing is a voice inside you telling you that this isn't going to be a lasting change. The fact that you posted here says you have concerns and you're essentially asking "should I trust my gut and see these red flags for what they are?" Yes, please, listen to yourself, trust your gut, and see these red flags for what they are - you're seeing an abuser for who he is, and he's someone who hasn't shown you that he has made lasting changes. |
FBO
Member Location: NoVA
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Member Location: NoVA
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The real question is that if you KNOW that this man is an abusive man, WHY would you expect him to act any differently?
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Anonymous
| Are you "in love" with him because you are 35 and worried that you are not going to find someone else? |
Anonymous
PP, I feel for you. I've walked in your shoes. One day it came to a head for me and I just couldn't stand the situation any more. Financially, emotionally...it was hard as hell to leave and harder to stay. My daughter at six said, "Mommy I don't have to grow up with a Daddy." I then realized how poisonous our home life truly was and that I had to be strong for my children and get us out. DD's in college now, strong, independent, and happy. And my son is a teenager and doing quite well. Me: I'm totally in a much better place than I was 13 years ago. Thank god, I got out. I hope you're no longer in your abusive relationship or are currently working on your exit strategy. |