Reply to Going Back to an Abusive Relationship

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[quote=Anonymous]I've been with my boyfriend for three years.  Our relationship is better now; I know he's trying but deep down I'm afraid one day, he'll go back to his old way.  In the beginning, he was wonderful, it almost felt like it was "too good to be true."  Then it started going down hill months into the relationship, but by then, I was already far too deep in love.  I started noticing red flags which started with him getting jealous, but I always made excuses for his behavior/rationalized it. He was good to me in other ways (or just good at manipulating me) that I let the signs go.  He would get nitpicky about every thing I did, how I did it, belittle me when he thought I was doing something incorrectly, which seemed like everything I did.  It got to the point where I was walking on eggshells every day and was scared of saying something that would rub him the wrong way, and I 'd second guess myself even for the most minor of things, like if I was washing the dishes the right way.  It really took a toll on my self-esteem and for a while I felt confused, felt like I was going crazy....because every time I'd cry or when we would get in an argument where I would voice my opinion or defend myself, he would say I was crazy/too sensitive/don't have a backbone...

After two years, I eventually went to therapy, which was my idea.  And also at that point, it got physical - he pushed me off the bed after I told him to turn the t.v. off.  I think it was my way of trying to reach out to somebody to get the validation I needed.  I realized a lot in therapy.  I can't emphasize that enough.  He was always well-liked by everyone, I think thats why it took me a long time to even begin to think the worse of someday I loved or that claimed to love me....my parents loved him...he was charismatic...he was a nice guy.  He was just mean to ME, and it wasn't always obvious meanness...it was subtle.

I know his father was overly-critical with him growing up.  My mother was overly critical with me growing up.  Maybe that was the attraction and the reason why I stayed to fix things.  Messed up I know.  I ask myself "why" all the time. I really don't know why I stayed with him, or even why I'm giving him a second chance.  The one bright thing is the therapy led me to confront him. I don't remember what I said exactly but I threw the word - abuse and I told him he needed help.  He denied it, even blamed me for it.  He broke up with me and I moved in with my parents for a few months.  Tried to build myself back up.

We reconciled since then.  He's made a number of improvements.  He occasionally has his "tantrums" or mutter something insensitive but he realizes it in a swift minute and apologizes.  It's been almost a year of repatching and since then, he's been different.  But will it last? Has anyone been in my situation and can tell me their experience.  I'm going slow. My therapist says abusers seldom change.   Are abusers capable of change?  Can they do this without therapy?[/quote]

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