Advice for 12 year old daughter

[Anonymous]

I have 2 daughters who are completely opposite. My 9 yr old is very active, she is currently in gymnastics 12 hours a week, and also takes acro classes and lyrical classes. She even loves walking the track with me on the weekends.
My 12 yr old is more into books, playing her violin and keyboard, doesn't like to go outside because it's "boring". I also noticed every summer she starts putting on a little weight and gradually losing it during the school year.
She's at that age where she gets moody also. I suggest things to her so she can stay active like playing soccer, dance, basketball, swimming, and she turns down everything.
Should I just force her to do an activity? I told her she is going to join "this or that" and she has no choice and starts crying and she stays upset for the whole day. I explained to her just try it out you never know you might wind up liking it.
She just rather be home snacking and reading. By the way, I do not have junk food at home but she still over eats through out the day.
Advice parents?

[Anonymous]

Can you get her involved in some walking? Someplace with interesting architecture or exhibits to feed the part of her soul that's not attracted to soccer/basketball/swimming?

[Anonymous]

How about swimming? I was exactly like your daughter at 12yo. Very bookish, played piano and violin, was a good student. Sports were not interesting to me. Until my dad pushed me to come swimming with him once a week. I enjoyed it so much I started going every other day. By the time I reached HS, I joined a swimming team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you get her involved in some walking? Someplace with interesting architecture or exhibits to feed the part of her soul that's not attracted to soccer/basketball/swimming?

Yes, I took her to museums and disney world. She just complained the whole entire time, she didnt want to get on any rides or play games. She also kept stating that her feet and ankles hurt from all the walking (10 min of walking). I even took her to see a podiatrist TWICE! Nothing showed up on the xrays. She is my first born, I can't wait until she turns 16. NOT! lol

[Anonymous]

Is she over weight or you just want her to be active? Have you asked her what sport she wants to do? Maybe some type of martial arts? I would not force her to do any sport she doesn't Want to do. I was never into sports and still not into sports, although I am into yoga and light cardio workouts. Maybe yoga?

[Anonymous]

I was also going to suggest yoga as a nice activity that she won't find intimidating.

I would also suggest activities that her sister does not do. Perhaps she is feeling competition. My younger one (same age difference as yours) is just more gifted physically - most things come easier for her. I could see my older one becoming discouraged when her sister moved quickly through levels. Luckily swimming was not an interest of hers so it became the older one's "thing" and it's an area she can enjoy without comparing herself to her sister.

If nothing else, get her busy with activities even if they aren't physical. Would she be interested in doing some community service to get her out of the house and away from snacking? Could she play piano at a nursing home? Read at a daycare center? This is the age when many schools start requiring hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she over weight or you just want her to be active? Have you asked her what sport she wants to do? Maybe some type of martial arts? I would not force her to do any sport she doesn't Want to do. I was never into sports and still not into sports, although I am into yoga and light cardio workouts. Maybe yoga?

Op here, she isn't really overweight, she's average. I asked her what she wants to do and she shrugs. I even pulled up a list on the internet and went through it with her, even some of the not so common sports. I know forcing her isn't a good idea. I also bought the kids a wii my 9 yr old chose dancing games and my 12 year old chose Mario party. Guess which game requires not getting up lol? Maybe I should get a dog? But I'm afraid I'll be the only one walking it.

Pp I signed her up for volunteer work but no one has called.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I'm also considering her picking the place she wants to vacation and do things we normally wouldn't do in the states but that's not gonna last the whole summer. I really think she's being difficult just because.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's totally unreasonable to tell her she needs to pick one active thing to do during the summer and hold her to it. Frame it as that everyone needs to do work to keep their bodies healthy (kind of like brushing your teeth) so being active is not negotiable -- but the activity itself is totally her choice.

I say this as someone who stunk at team sports, felt like a chubby clumsy fool in dance class, and liked playing at the pool but was never much of a swimmer as a kid. It wasn't until late high school / college that I discovered I actually liked being active - starting with hiking and kayaking, moving on to weight training, yoga, cycling, swimming, and even rec soccer by grad school (I still stunk, but it sure was fun!).

I think at her age especially, feeling out of place and like you don't fit in with the sportier kids is a major contributor to adopting an "I don't like to be active" attitude. Encouraging her towards something that won't lead to those feelings might make her feel more comfortable. Yoga class with you a couple times a week? A couple kayaking, sailing, or riding clinics? Bike rides with Dad a couple evenings a week? A self defense class or some sort of martial art?

I am so glad I eventually realized that it didn't matter if I was talented at it or not to enjoy using my body -- I just had to get out there and do it. I think that's a really really hard leap for a twelve year old to make though (I can still conjure up the feeling of dread I had driving to dance class in 6th grade). Pushing her to do something she is adamant against definitely can backfire, but sitting down and saying "here's the deal - let's find a mutually acceptable solution together" might get you somewhere. Oh, and if you can get her to involve a friend with similar inclinations in whatever she chooses to pursue, even better. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Has she been to a residential camp? If so, what outdoor activities did she enjoy? My non-sports daughter loved archery, fencing, rock climbing and kayaking. These are much more individual vs team (and comparison-inducing) activities.

If she likes bike-riding, maybe do more family rides?

[Anonymous]

A couple of things. We have the same problem, except my kids are boys. I am impressed with your daughter's activities. Playing violin is an amazing skill. So, maybe activities is not the issue, but lack of physical exercise. As more of an arts person as opposed to athletic, I have always been a little bugged by the message that arts is a less worthy activity. Not sure if you're sending this message, but just sharing.

As far as volunteer activity, the only way we got my son in was either through contacts (he volunteers at a nursing home because of people who work there and serves food at a homeless shelter because his godmother takes him when she goes). It's tough to get an in for 12 year olds.

My oldest also bikes with family. We do it weekly so that we can spend family time doing healthy activity. We also walk everywhere - school (a mile), the pool (1.5 miles), all neighborhood parties and play dates, local church festivals (up to 2 miles), etc. Everyone in my house knows that you have to be leaving the neighborhood and/or traveling major roads without sidewalks before we'll get the car out.

With regard to sports, He and I spent four years researching and discussing options and then gave him an ultimatum - either pick something by seventh grade or I'll pick for you. I also told him my pick was cross country because it was the least threatening sport I could think of for him. I explained why I choose it. Not surprisingly, he didn't pick so i enrolled him. Guidance counselors and PE tea hers were really helpful to me in making this work. Once he was successful at cross country, I was able to get him into tennis. It worked for me. One advantage for us is that my son was not resistant to physical activity, only to doing it outside of the family.

Good luck. I wish my parents had taught me to appreciate physical activity.

[Anonymous]

Any way to do nightly family walks and just let her know exercise makes you better at everything. Better stamina and blood flow to the brain.

[Anonymous]

As she is the eldest, what about convincing her to get a "job" that is also physical? Babysitting for neighbors, carwashing or gardening for you, for which you pay her a small amount etc. It might make her more motivated and she can take pride not just in the money she makes, but that she is old enough to take on such responsibility, and her sister isn't.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only who who squirms at this post because it sounds as if OP is a little overly concerned with weight, and is quietly demonizing her older daughter for being "the fat one?"

[Anonymous]

Ugh, I was just like your daughter when I was her age. I was so consumed with not being good enough and the possibility of looking foolish that I closed myself off to so many activities! I was/am the quintessential stick-in-the-mud. I wish my mom had "forced" me to do something because I almost always enjoyed it once I got started.