If you grew up poor...

[Anonymous]

My friend grew up poor in Texas. Her mother had 5 kids with 5 different men and was a maid.
She said that they would get so hungry that they would put the pots on the stove and boil water before she got home so that dinner would be quicker.
The ALL joined the army to get food, and this was during Vietnam!

[Anonymous]

These are moving stories. Most of all because of the now disappearing potential of social mobility in America. So many who described growing up in abject poverty rose tough education and persistence into the upper middle income brackets.

Today:"If you were born in the bottom 20%, your chances of ending up in the top 20% are about one in 20: 5%. If you were born in the top 20%, your chances of ending up in the bottom 20% are about one in 20: 5%."

Today statistically the coincidence of our birth is the biggest determinant of where you will end up in America- it's always been that way to some extent, but the quirk of the post WW2 era allowed for a higher degree of social mobility for nearly 50 years which has now largely disappeared.

How do some of you who 'made it' despite abject poverty feel about the changes that make it more difficult for capable children who are poor to escape the cycle of poverty?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the c/o 2000 DC poster.
When did everyone else start being ashamed of being poor? I realize that up until middle school I just assumed everyone lived like that. Most of the kids in my elementary school had similar situations and stories. I went out of boundary for middle school which is when I started to notice differences. By high school I was in class with kids driving their own cars to school. I think that's when the disparity really hit me. I wouldn't accept rides from people out of fear that they'd ask to come in my house to use the bathroom or something.

One time a guy showed up unexpected because his mom forced him to come to me for tutoring. I couldn't let him in because I was just too ashamed of my house. He kept saying, "I thought we were friends and you won't even let me come in for tutoring. I'm gonna fail." It was raining so we couldn't just sit outside. It was the hardest thing in the world to pretend I didn't care. But I was so afraid of other people in school finding out or him telling his mom and her calling child protective services or something (it happened once before).

I think I knew from a very young age. I was always aware of being dirty, smelling bad, and having worn, dirty clothes. I could hear the mean comments that adults made about me and my parents. A handful of other kids in my small town had the same problems, but for some reason we didn't flock to one another. I knew I was very different from most of the kids and I tried desperately to hide it or pretend like I didn't care (but looking back I bet I didn't fool anyone - at least not any adults). I also had a few humiliating experiences when classmates showed up to my door and I couldn't let them in. There were times when other kids tried to help me, and I knew they were being sincere, but I found it equally shameful.

To the PP who gave me a virtual high-five a few pages back - thanks, I needed that. This thread is cathartic, but it also makes me sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being poor boils down to one long saga stretched over the course of my life: Tampons

1.) running out of tampons on the 19th of the month, 11 days till the first.
2.) being sooooo stressed i was going to bleed all over my clothes so i went to the nurse and asked for some tampons
3.) my mom finding out the nurse had tampons and refused to buy me some from that point on
4.) over hearing the nurse complain to another teacher in the hallway that i am taking too many tampons from the school and i should be ashamed
5.) feeling very ashamed so i started stealing tampons from the drugstore from that point on
6.) becoming a 6th grade teacher and going to cosco and buying huge boxes of tampons and pads, I was so proud to tell my female students i will always have plenty of tampons and pads for everyone
7.) feeling extremely touched and emotional when one of my students trusted me enough to ask if she could take a box home for the summer because they were too expensive to put on the grocery list.

This really hit me hard. Such a small thing yet I can only imagine how significant this was for you, PP. I'm glad you're in a much better place now.

[Anonymous]

I was around 9 when I realized that not everyone lived like my family did, and that people are dinner every night and not every couple of nights like we did. That was also the year my school guidance counselor took me shopping for a pair of shoes that fit. He just put me in his car and we went to a shoe store. It was my first new pair of shoes ever and I was proud as shit of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a foreigner and it is so heartbreaking to read all of this. In my home country the US is perceived as a very affluent nation, with well established social services, I never thought it was that bad...

Same here. I went to school in the South in late 80/early 90 and did not realize how poor it was outside the small city our campus was in. I thought I was poor till I went to a few blues festivals in Mississippi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you are poor:

You wear shoes that don't fit. They are always too big because it was all that was at the salvation army on the day your mom went. Then you trip and stumble during gym class because your shoes don't fit. Then the other kids think you are clumsy and you start to think so too.

You don't have a snack with you for morning snack at school. So you tell the teacher that you don't bring a snack because you always have a large breakfast at home. This is a lie, because there is NO breakfast at home. So your first meal is the school lunch.

The school nurse sends home alot of notes to your parents saying that she has tested your eyes and you can't see. The notes get thrown out . You learn to go up to the chalkboard during recess to see what is written there because you can never see the board.

If anyone wants to help the poor kids in your local public school:

Buy snow pants and boots and mittens and give them to the elementary teachers to give out.
Arrange for an optometrist to donate eyeglasses to kids who have been identified at school as needing glasses.
Buy gym shoes in several sizes that are typical for kids in a classroom and give them to the teacher to go to kids for PE class. Not loaned to the kids, but given.
Buy gift cards for a place like Cost Cutters Hair so kids can get a haircut professionally. The haircut done by mom in the kitchen is terrible.

Thank you for the suggestions!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Ziplock bags over my shoes, tied with rubber bands, instead of snow boots. Mom's idea. I was in second grade and thought it was brilliant. Until everyone made fun of me.


I grew up with money but my mom who grew up poor made me do this. Ridiculous.

See, this is what I worry about. That my son would never learn the actual lesson here (wasteful to buy something like snow boots if it is only to be used 2-3 times!) and instead feel bitter since we "have the money". Argh.

There is snow and ice on the ground many more than 2 or 3 days in dc. and I walked home from school ten blocks. The only shoes I had were sneakers with cotton socks. That is not adequate in cold weather for recess or walking home ten blocks on snow and ice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think food stamps (or snap) is now provided with a debit card, so hopefully this diminishes some of the shame for people (kids and adults).

It is and the current farm bill in the house is trying to significantly cut funding for SNAP - supplemental nutrition assistance program. For all those here who were helped by food stamps and want to see another generation of people have the same chance to rise out of poverty, you should pay attention to the news and let congress know their inaction and inability to cooperate is hurting America's families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Ziplock bags over my shoes, tied with rubber bands, instead of snow boots. Mom's idea. I was in second grade and thought it was brilliant. Until everyone made fun of me.


I grew up with money but my mom who grew up poor made me do this. Ridiculous.

See, this is what I worry about. That my son would never learn the actual lesson here (wasteful to buy something like snow boots if it is only to be used 2-3 times!) and instead feel bitter since we "have the money". Argh.

There is snow and ice on the ground many more than 2 or 3 days in dc. and I walked home from school ten blocks. The only shoes I had were sneakers with cotton socks. That is not adequate in cold weather for recess or walking home ten blocks on snow and ice.

BTW running shoes would have been much much better - maybe even no need to buy snow shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:* all of 4th and 5th grade we didnt have power.
* qualified for free lunch and like you OP would never get te lunch because then people would know.
*all thru HS we lived,literally, in a shack with roaches, rats and no AC or heat
* I never went to a single event in HS, including prom because there wasnt money to, and I was ashamed of my clothes
* I spent so many nights going to bed hungry that I push food on my DC. I'm so paranoid he might be hungry that now he's about 10lbs overweight
* as an adult I'm a terrible hoarder of things I never had as a kid- toothpaste, deodorant, soap/shampoo and feminine products being my biggest hoards

Where did you live? What are your circumstances like now? What about your siblings? Parents?

I grew up in Texas and Florida. Texas we were poor, in Florida we were dirt poor. My father just one day decided he didn't want to work anymore and so he didnt. I got a job at 15, but it went to help pay the bills.
It's been 25 yrs since I've spoken or seen my father and close to 10 for my mother. I am by no means wealthy, but I do very well and my DC has never known what hungry or cold or scared feels like. He is heavily spoiled. I keep telling myself I need to scale back on material things for him, and then the little girl me rears her head and I can't help it and buy whatever his heart desires

Your son is no better off than that little girl. You are doing him a terrible disservice. I assume you appreciate what you have now, no? I doubt that a child growing up being given everything "his heart desires" will ever truly appreciate anything. Why not try to correct that before it's too late?

Because when your entire childhood is colored with memories of crying yourself to sleep from hunger, or only being allowed one shower a week because water was too expensive, when you are wearing clothes you found in the dumpster and swatting at rats as big as a cat in the kitchen with a broom, these things become your identity. The threads of poverty run deep in the tapestry of my life. My little boy has more food available to him than I had in a months time as a kid, he has heat and air conditioning, toys,electronics and experiences I never dreamed of. He is living the childhood I always wanted. I am a GOOD mom. Even if I have spoiled my son.

You are a good Mom. My dad grew up extremely poor and we grew up with some money but he was (and is to this day) insanely cheap with us. I think that is worse than spoiling your kid a bit. My brother and I have some pretty serious issues around money because of my father.

[Anonymous]

I'm the poster whose parents paid off their debt + then had a job loss and lost our house. I know I'm not/wasn't as poor as other people on here... but my experiences have stuck with me in some very vivid ways.
I remember my mom as a compulsive cleaner. She made her own cleaners and made them stretch- but she would scrub floors on hands and knees multiple times a week. She would iron my dad's clothes and undershirts obsessively - so that no one at his job thought he was sloppy. She would make everything in our house- from curtains to blankets. She tried very very hard to make everything feel like home. I'm grateful for that. Because everything else was very tough. To this day, I am a compulsive cleaner. In some strange way I feel like it shows gratitude for what we have.
My parents were terrible with money - even after they paid off debt, lost the house, received an inheritance and bought a new house. They were like "new money" in a way... they custom window treatments, baby grand pianos, all new furniture, home theater equipment, etc... but never a penny in any savings. And they never talked about money with me. So once they divorced (I was in college/out of the house)... the truth came out about how little they had. This also has stuck with me in both good and bad ways.
I think it's safe to say you don't necessarily "break" any cycles in one generation. You may move upward, but there are/will be some dysfunctions that will stick with you. And hopefully diminish with future generations. (Ie. I don't ever want to have NOTHING saved for my children's college and yet go on vacations, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Does everyone know where to send needy people for help in their communities? I know I did not grow up poor but met some somewhat poor people being a teen mom back in the day. Im glad everyone like to donate their stuff but do you guys know where to send someone who needs emergency housing, a food/clothing pantry, child care help.

i am sorry for everyone's struggles

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grew up poor in SE DC during the height of the crack epidemic. I remember:

-Eating jelly sandwiches to stave off the hunger.
-Not being allowed to go outside because we lived two doors down from a crack house.
-Seeing the grass and yard littered with drug needles.
-Seeing fights break out. Saw one guy get shot in front of me.
-Being so happy about our toys from Toys for Tots on Christmas.
-Roaches everywhere. Absolutely everywhere. For many years, I wouldn't eat macaroni n'cheese because when I was young, I remember going for seconds and discovering a roach in the food.
-Rats, everywhere. Would catch so many in a given day.

It breaks my heart that you could not even go out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Free lunch vouchers, that I wouldn't use.
Dish detergent thinned down with water as shampoo - certainly no conditioner
no money for personal things like deodorant
no laundry detergent, so hand washing clothing with soap, when we had it, or just water, and hoping the sweat stink wouldn't linger too much when I was about 11
being "the smelly kid"
never being taken to the dentist. not even once - went for the first time at age 24. No cavities! But I need valium to so much as sit in the chair.
government cheese
food stamps
eating spam
not eating
the domestic abuse next door
the domestic abuse when my mom was dating
getting beat up as the only white girl in the projects
thinking my dad (divorced parents) who was working class, tops, was "rich" (and he was, by comparison)
being "hood rich" when the child support check came
knowing my mom spent his child support (which was next to nothing) on cigarettes and of all things, bingo
any birthday money I ever got was "borrowed" (without permission) and not returned
being surrounded by poverty (much worse than we had it)
seeing a lot, a LOT of drug use as a child
child abuse was rampant. I was abused and neglected, my sibs were abused and neglected, and we never knew it, because EVERYONE around us parented that way.
memories of being held with my arm behind my back while my mom wacked indiscriminately at my back and shoulders and head with her other hand, a lit cig hanging from her mouth
memories of watching the same thing happen to my younger brothers
severing ties with my mom when i was 17
renewing them around 25
years of giving my mom money
severing ties again around 32 when i'd had enough
renewing them when I was about 36, with healthier boundaries
insecurity
making up lies about my childhood, "vacations" we took, etc
pretending that i knew how to swim to try out for swim team - and a swim coach who not only let me "make it" but taught me how to swim (in 6th grade)
Being "grounded" and not allowed to go to swim-team practice for sassing my mom
not being allowed to try out the next year because I needed to babysit my brothers
joining the team again in high school
my first time running away when my mom told me no more swim team for some type of punishment
A grandma who always believed in me (bless her)
police station, telling them about the swim team, some cop saying child and family services
screaming, beatings, but no more swim team interference
partial scholarship for swimming
working 60 hours a week, going to college full time
lying about internships I supposedly had (no time!) in order to get my first job
making up lies about my first job to get my second job
turning "making up lies" into "reinventing myself"
hard work
not looking back
struggling with materialism now, wanting to buy ALL THE THINGS now that I can, and forcing myself to balance providing for my children with making them understand the value of a dollar
wanting to help other poor kids, not always doing it

The most damaging thing was the bolded part. You grow up thinking that is normal. I can see how the cycle perpetuates itself. This thread has inspired me to get involved, again, in volunteering with children who are where I once was. It is hard for me, to face the past so directly, but these kids need a leg up.

I wept reading this. I am inspired too.