Wife is not a good sham

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having a stay at home mom does not mean life is easier and the house is always clean. It still so hard and so exhausting. If you thought you were buying a maid by “letting” her stay home you are an ass and very judgy. I just remember working my ass off all day and cleaning all the freaking day and then by the time my husband came home it looked like I did nothing. Whether she is home or not it is hard so don’t think it will be easier with her back it work - it will be worse because she will feel even more torn and exhausted. My husband strongly encouraged me to go back to work and I cannot say I am happier, not is he happier nor somehow do we magically have more Money because the job I got pays totally shitty now and I had to spend a ton of money initially to get my wardrobe and hair back to professional level. I did not predict that expense but in a public facing job you can’t look as exhausted as you feel and it is seriously an investment. I can honestly say it is not better with me working just different and my kids are in elementary at two different schools now and we have to juggle the drop offs and pickups and soccer games and Bellet etc it is hard

OP here. I don’t expect the house to be super clean. What I do wish was that she would cook dinner more often. We eat early at 5:30pm and I have to structure my days most days to make sure I’m done working by 5 to make dinner for us. When I absolutely can’t, she orders in or makes something really easy for the boys and I eat whatever. She was a big cook before having our second child. She cooked on the days she was home ( while managing baby solo).

I do believe in maintaining a basic level of cleanliness and hygiene for our house to function. Each night I pick up toys, load dishwasher, wipes down the counters, etc. The housekeeper does all the deep cleaning and we have a separate playroom ( two areas) for the kids that I don’t care is messy. I just try to keep the living room/dining/kitchen clean. Our baby does all of this during kids nap time. Our home is also someone’s workspace and I try to be respectful of that.

Does she also have the same standards and values in keeping the house clean? It may not be as important to her or maybe in her opinion it's clean.
I'm okay with a little clutter and things being out of place, but it drives my DH nuts.
I would be careful how you approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a sahm with a 9 and 11 year old. What I can tell you of this life over the past decade is that each phase brings something new and the role is always evolving. In the baby and toddler years, it was straight up survival for me, and my husband did more to support my mental and physical breaks bc the child-rearing was relentless. He did more dishes, cooked more, did more laundry. Yes, the house was a bit of a wreck, but we both knew it was a moment in time. On the days, weeks, months, years.. when I could do more, I did. So much more. It wasn’t some grand plan or the result of his demanding more of me, it just happened organically, bc childcare needs lessened and it was easier to do so. I wanted to do more. My DH never shamed me, never analyzed my daily schedule and tallied up my household contributions, and he certainly never demanded I deliver more simply bc he felt I should. 

Our contributions to the daily running of the household has ebbed and flowed with the tide of the kids’ needs, our own personal needs, and DH's work and travel responsibilities. Now we’ve added eldercare responsibilities to our plate and are navigating a similar dance from our earlier child-rearing years. At the core of all of this is that DH trusts I’m doing the best I can at each phase and I extend the same respect and understanding to him. We each pick up where the other leaves off sometimes doing more and other times less. This is what partnership, love and respect looks like in our family. 

Sounds like a beautiful relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s get down to the real reason. You’re not getting enough sex or none at all, and you’re taking it out in other ways.

OP here. No. We resumed sexual activity after my vasectomy clearance. We have sex multiple times a week.

You found time for a vasectomy within months of your wife having a baby, and you're having sex several times a week when there's a six month old.

Don't you have homework to do? Or pizza boxes to bring up from the basement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s get down to the real reason. You’re not getting enough sex or none at all, and you’re taking it out in other ways.

OP here. No. We resumed sexual activity after my vasectomy clearance. We have sex multiple times a week.

You found time for a vasectomy within months of your wife having a baby, and you're having sex several times a week when there's a six month old.

Don't you have homework to do? Or pizza boxes to bring up from the basement?

OP here. We knew we were two and done and I scheduled the vasectomy soon after my wife had our second. We both wanted it to happen so no possibility of pregnancy. My wife did not want to go back on birth control.

Sex multiple times a week with two kids who sleep very well isn’t that hard to achieve. You act like having 6 month old makes you disabled or something.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a woman writing because no dad knows their children’s sleep schedules down to this level of specificity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a woman writing because no dad knows their children’s sleep schedules down to this level of specificity.

Not necessarily. I’m a dad who did a lot of the care when our kids were young so knew all these things, and I had a wife like OP’s who gradually stepped back. Our youngest has now left for college and DW has no career/job, doesn’t do any housework, and now no kids to watch over. OP should pay attention to see if he’s going end up in a one-sided relationship.

[Anonymous]

At some point you need to ask yourself what she brings to the relationship. There’s nothing worse than having a partner who is not a partner. It sounds like OP can pretty much do what he’s doing without his wife in the picture.

[Anonymous]

I disagree op. She is a sham.
That is way too much outside help, considering she is home and doesn’t work— and also that you are home.

She is lazy, self indulgent and a sham.
Mom who worked with both kids and managed housework along with my husband. We share cooking, shopping and cleaning, as well as school forms, camp signups, drop offs and CB pick ups

If you suspect a lot of women do more at home, despite working, you are correct.

Did she come from a culture where upper class people have servants? I do, and I’ve seen how it can make people absolutely useless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s get down to the real reason. You’re not getting enough sex or none at all, and you’re taking it out in other ways.

OP here. No. We resumed sexual activity after my vasectomy clearance. We have sex multiple times a week.

Troll

[Anonymous]

I was a bad SAHM to a toddler and baby. We moved to DC for DH’s work and i decided to take my time looking for a job. I was home with the kids and it was so hard. Kids were not sleeping through the night. House was always a mess and I was a terrible cook. I went back to work because it was too hard to stay home. I’m ivy educated and had a successful career before kids.

Fast forward a few years and dh’s income increased substantially and we had a third kid. I’m now a sahm of 3 kids and I’m much better at it this time around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s get down to the real reason. You’re not getting enough sex or none at all, and you’re taking it out in other ways.

OP here. No. We resumed sexual activity after my vasectomy clearance. We have sex multiple times a week.

You found time for a vasectomy within months of your wife having a baby, and you're having sex several times a week when there's a six month old.

Don't you have homework to do? Or pizza boxes to bring up from the basement?

OP here. We knew we were two and done and I scheduled the vasectomy soon after my wife had our second. We both wanted it to happen so no possibility of pregnancy. My wife did not want to go back on birth control.

Sex multiple times a week with two kids who sleep very well isn’t that hard to achieve. You act like having 6 month old makes you disabled or something.

Says the man whose body hasn't undergone the trauma of birth, and the crazy (for many) hormone trip post birth. You're having sex "multiple times" per week with a baby and young child? I'd take the win and STFU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s get down to the real reason. You’re not getting enough sex or none at all, and you’re taking it out in other ways.

OP here. No. We resumed sexual activity after my vasectomy clearance. We have sex multiple times a week.

You found time for a vasectomy within months of your wife having a baby, and you're having sex several times a week when there's a six month old.

Don't you have homework to do? Or pizza boxes to bring up from the basement?

OP here. We knew we were two and done and I scheduled the vasectomy soon after my wife had our second. We both wanted it to happen so no possibility of pregnancy. My wife did not want to go back on birth control.

Sex multiple times a week with two kids who sleep very well isn’t that hard to achieve. You act like having 6 month old makes you disabled or something.

Says the man whose body hasn't undergone the trauma of birth, and the crazy (for many) hormone trip post birth. You're having sex "multiple times" per week with a baby and young child? I'd take the win and STFU.

Seriously, if this is actually true then just stop complaining about the other stuff. I remember talking to some other moms 6 months post-partum and almost no one was having sex, or only occasionally.

[Anonymous]

My ex assumed l liked cooking because l was good at it. I don’t. It’s a chore. But l do it because eating healthy and within a reasonable budget is important to me.

Maybe she dislikes it just like you? What if you both jointly make a goal to cook 2 meals each per week, and the rest is leftovers or a sandwich or takeout.

It feels like your perception of a “good” SaHm includes dinner from scratch 5-6 nights per week. That’s rich from someone who admits to hating cooking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s get down to the real reason. You’re not getting enough sex or none at all, and you’re taking it out in other ways.

OP here. No. We resumed sexual activity after my vasectomy clearance. We have sex multiple times a week.

You found time for a vasectomy within months of your wife having a baby, and you're having sex several times a week when there's a six month old.

Don't you have homework to do? Or pizza boxes to bring up from the basement?

OP here. We knew we were two and done and I scheduled the vasectomy soon after my wife had our second. We both wanted it to happen so no possibility of pregnancy. My wife did not want to go back on birth control.

Sex multiple times a week with two kids who sleep very well isn’t that hard to achieve. You act like having 6 month old makes you disabled or something.

Says the man whose body hasn't undergone the trauma of birth, and the crazy (for many) hormone trip post birth. You're having sex "multiple times" per week with a baby and young child? I'd take the win and STFU.

Seriously, if this is actually true then just stop complaining about the other stuff. I remember talking to some other moms 6 months post-partum and almost no one was having sex, or only occasionally.

Let’s see if I’ve got this right - it’s ok for the DW to be checked out but as long as she keeps having s*x with him frequently, the marriage is great?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex assumed l liked cooking because l was good at it. I don’t. It’s a chore. But l do it because eating healthy and within a reasonable budget is important to me.

Maybe she dislikes it just like you? What if you both jointly make a goal to cook 2 meals each per week, and the rest is leftovers or a sandwich or takeout.

It feels like your perception of a “good” SaHm includes dinner from scratch 5-6 nights per week. That’s rich from someone who admits to hating cooking.

The difference, of course, is that OP seems to actually do it despite hating it. Also the wife makes baby food from scratch? C’mon talk about a waste of time and a hobby project.