Wife is not a good sham

[Anonymous]

She'll improve with time, you two will adjust to life with two kids. However, being a full time parent and managing household isn't something everyone can do and do it well. Some people see it as their calling, others rise to the occasion but its hard and chaotic work. There is a reason most moms prefer to go to work to take a break and do socializing so they can relax and feel like their old selves. Being SAHM or SAHD isn't a fun vacation.

[Anonymous]

It may just come down to the usual married couple disagreement, where 1person wants the house to be cleaner & the other person doesn’t find that as much of a priority.

You say she is an involved parent, so it sounds like you are most dissatisfied with “the house is a disaster” aspect.

If you guys can afford what DW is suggesting (housekeeper weekly rather than every other week), do it. That may fix your problem. That’s always the solution suggested her when a spouse (usually woman) complains that the other spouse (usually man) is not contributing enough to make house livable.

[Anonymous]

Not saying it’s anyone’s “fault,” OP, but often exhaustion and depression decrease motivation. Maybe your marriage is an unhappy one on her end too.

[Anonymous]

Let’s get down to the real reason. You’re not getting enough sex or none at all, and you’re taking it out in other ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM and I appreciate this post for making me feel gratitude for my husband. We’re both deeply flawed, but we don’t police each other like this. He is not my manager, and I am not his.

I think the OP should maybe just get divorced. Then you can hire a nanny and a housekeeper and run your 50% custody how you want.

If you don’t want to make dinner, which you clearly deeply resent, stop! Obviously have a conversation about it. “I’m really tired of making dinner. It’s making me deeply resentful because I feel like I’m doing more than my share. Can you do it for a while?”

She might say yes! Or she might say no, but it has to be better than just sitting there in your own toxicity all the time.

OP here. We are not getting divorced. I love my wife very much. We also do not believe in divorce as an option.

Our marriage is good. We do have these issues but it’s nothing we can’t work through. It’s a temporary issue while our kids are young and she’s at home.

I think I just need to talk to her about it. Reassess things.

This was the red flag post for me—divorce “isn’t an option”. You realize you are speaking for her. How do you presume to do this, and to know how she feels?

Sounds to me like she is exhausted and is on strike.

And you also said the youngest would be going to daycare soon, so this isn’t a situation that is going to last much longer. Get some of those meal kit deliveries and stop whining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not saying it’s anyone’s “fault,” OP, but often exhaustion and depression decrease motivation. Maybe your marriage is an unhappy one on her end too.

OP here. Wow. No wonder divorce rates are so high.

My marriage isn’t unhappy. We have an area where I’m unhappy about it, but that doesn’t mean the entirety of my marriage is “ unhappy”. I can be unhappy about certain things without thinking my entire marriage is unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let’s get down to the real reason. You’re not getting enough sex or none at all, and you’re taking it out in other ways.

OP here. No. We resumed sexual activity after my vasectomy clearance. We have sex multiple times a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM and I appreciate this post for making me feel gratitude for my husband. We’re both deeply flawed, but we don’t police each other like this. He is not my manager, and I am not his.

I think the OP should maybe just get divorced. Then you can hire a nanny and a housekeeper and run your 50% custody how you want.

If you don’t want to make dinner, which you clearly deeply resent, stop! Obviously have a conversation about it. “I’m really tired of making dinner. It’s making me deeply resentful because I feel like I’m doing more than my share. Can you do it for a while?”

She might say yes! Or she might say no, but it has to be better than just sitting there in your own toxicity all the time.

OP here. We are not getting divorced. I love my wife very much. We also do not believe in divorce as an option.

Our marriage is good. We do have these issues but it’s nothing we can’t work through. It’s a temporary issue while our kids are young and she’s at home.

I think I just need to talk to her about it. Reassess things.

This was the red flag post for me—divorce “isn’t an option”. You realize you are speaking for her. How do you presume to do this, and to know how she feels?

Sounds to me like she is exhausted and is on strike.

And you also said the youngest would be going to daycare soon, so this isn’t a situation that is going to last much longer. Get some of those meal kit deliveries and stop whining.

OP here. We both take marriage very seriously and have said that we don’t believe in divorce. She has said many times divorce will never be an option for us, no matter what. She made me promise her before we got married that the D word will never be uttered in our house under any circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Okay troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay troll

OP here. I’m not a troll but it’s funny you keep saying I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a sahm with a 9 and 11 year old. What I can tell you of this life over the past decade is that each phase brings something new and the role is always evolving. In the baby and toddler years, it was straight up survival for me, and my husband did more to support my mental and physical breaks bc the child-rearing was relentless. He did more dishes, cooked more, did more laundry. Yes, the house was a bit of a wreck, but we both knew it was a moment in time. On the days, weeks, months, years.. when I could do more, I did. So much more. It wasn’t some grand plan or the result of his demanding more of me, it just happened organically, bc childcare needs lessened and it was easier to do so. I wanted to do more. My DH never shamed me, never analyzed my daily schedule and tallied up my household contributions, and he certainly never demanded I deliver more simply bc he felt I should. 

Our contributions to the daily running of the household has ebbed and flowed with the tide of the kids’ needs, our own personal needs, and DH's work and travel responsibilities. Now we’ve added eldercare responsibilities to our plate and are navigating a similar dance from our earlier child-rearing years. At the core of all of this is that DH trusts I’m doing the best I can at each phase and I extend the same respect and understanding to him. We each pick up where the other leaves off sometimes doing more and other times less. This is what partnership, love and respect looks like in our family. 

Well said

[Anonymous]

She sounds depressed. Maybe she is realizing she would feel more effectual and appreciate her kids more and tackle cleaning more/manage time more effectively if she is out of the home working and has limited time to lay around. Maybe she just needs you to ask/'allow' her to feel this way for her to admit it.

I say this because with you WFH and her home all the time there is no way you should have a nanny and cleaner AND nothing is being done. I'd be pissed. Even if she worked one day a week it would be an improvement/help pay for the useless cleaning/nannying.

-mum who realized she was better at appreciating it and getting it all done when she had accomplishments outside the home.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I had kids at the same age difference (1.5 years) and it was difficult for Sahm. The older kid recieved less attention because of baby. House was what OP would describe as disaster. After a few years sahm proactively got a job in same career field before kids and is much happier.

Also, no need to cook every night. Do meal planning or simply make triple batch of the adult food so there are leftovers for 2 more adult meals.

Also, if the nanny picks up toys every day before leaving, not sure how the house can be a disaster with pro cleaners coming every 2 weeks. We had no pro cleaners or nanny.

[Anonymous]

PP here, I believe the OP is not a troll. And the wife is extremely lazy considering the paid help and the solid napping schedule of both kids. Since the OP would never divorce, please stick with it and in a 1 year it should get better with the kids as they age. Make sure to use a dishwasher machine. Also, reheating leftovers creates no additional messes or dirty dishes or pots to clean. Do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not saying it’s anyone’s “fault,” OP, but often exhaustion and depression decrease motivation. Maybe your marriage is an unhappy one on her end too.

OP here. Wow. No wonder divorce rates are so high.

My marriage isn’t unhappy. We have an area where I’m unhappy about it, but that doesn’t mean the entirety of my marriage is “ unhappy”. I can be unhappy about certain things without thinking my entire marriage is unhappy.

I didn't say *you* were unhappy. You aren't asking about her.