Husband indifferent to all things pregnancy- and baby-related
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Anonymous
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Combination rant/request for doula recs and advice on heading off serious trouble in the future. TIA, and I'm sorry it's so long.
I'm in the 3rd tri with our first baby, and my husband has been really uninterested in the logistics and medical realities of preparing for and having a baby. He's resented every second of crib/stroller shopping (and there wasn't much for him to put up with since I did pre-research by myself online first), and he's done zero research of his own. It's been months of me reading pregnancy books and and Consumer Reports and user reviews -- along with months of him acting bored, annoyed, resentful, dismissive, and impatient when I try to talk about any of it. Not like I think it's always fun or fascinating conversational material myself, but someone has to do it, it's necessary, and we need to discuss large purchases and life events together. Worse, when I even START to try to talk about anything related to L&D or any fears I have about it (tearing, pelvic floor damage, etc.), he interrupts immediately to dismiss my concerns, then criticizes me for worrying, then raises his voice to shut me up and end the conversation. It's his patented 3-step process for ending a discussion he isn't interested in, and has been for years, but it's wildly inappropriate now under the circumstances. When I point this out to him he'll get defensive first, then semi-apologetic a bit later, and eventually a little (and I mean a little) contrite, so I guess at least some small part of him knows he's being a jerk -- but he still never realizes it until way after the fact and the damage is done, so the cycle repeats itself constantly. I didn't want to hire a doula since I was trying to keep things simple, but I think I'll have to since I don't trust him to be any real comfort or support during the event itself. (Doula recs, anyone?) Honestly, if I could choose, I wouldn't have him there at all. I'd rather have my mom or even just the medical staff. I'm completely serious about this. His emotional, physical, and conversational distance and constant snapping are too much. While he has many fine qualities in other areas, this lack of caring and interest in me and the impending birth has really alienated me. My friends and coworkers either are or have husbands who read about baby stuff, rub their wives' feet, learn baby CPR, and are childproofing the house with a vengeance. None of that happening in our house. He's attended two doctor's appointment in 30 weeks, at my request. He actually yelled -- really, truly yelled -- at me the one time I asked him to rub my feet when they were swollen and painful beyond description, and he lost interest in sex with me months ago. (I haven't gained excess weight and still take a lot of care with my appearance.) He's barely been concerned about my pregnancy, will almost certainly get impatient and snippy during L&D, plus I have full confidence he'll expect me to do all the feedings and diaper changes and baths and baby care so he'll still have several hours a night to web-surf and watch sports, then get a restful night's sleep. He's already indicated that he thinks he should always get to sleep through the night since HE won't be on maternity leave. My hero! Trouble has brewed and a lot more is brewing, obviously. How can I head off some or all of the bad times that are clearly coming??? Did any of you face this kind of uninterest and selfishness and successfully work your way out of it? Thoughtful advice would be very welcome and much appreciated. PS - Since I know people will (rightly) ask, yes, these communication/lack of empathy issues predate the baby, and yes, we've tried counseling previously (which helped a little), and yes, I am advocating to start it again since I barely even want to talk to him at this point. And yes, he really wanted a baby -- he's great with kids. (Though we are having a girl and I know he wanted a boy - not sure if that's playing a role.) His job does not require long hours. He comes from a nice family with a really kid-oriented dad. And please don't attack me for being needy; I am far from it, but I do expect my husband to care about his wife as we have our first baby together. |
Anonymous
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At first I thought maybe it was just different styles as I didn't do research or read consumer report or read any parenting books or shop around for strollers or any of what you do either...it just wasn't my style as I am more the easy going type.
However it doesn't seem it is a personality issue. He isn't listening to you or being nice to you in general. Unless you nagged him endlessly or ever conversation is about baby then it seems like he either has a disrespect issue or some deep fear of being a dad that he is covering for. Seeing as the empathy and communication issues are long standing I really think counseling is your best option. |
Anonymous
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Honestly...and I know alot of people say this on threads when it might not be needed right away..
But OP go see a marriage counselor NOW. You are going to be a thousand times more stressed with a baby and if you DH is acting this hideous to you before the baby...something BIG is wrong here. Where do you live? Seriously people on here gave me a great referral to one for my DH and I and you should really look into counseling stat! Sorry you are going through this! |
Anonymous
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Get back into counseling - quickly. You want to be communicating and at a (hopefully) better place when the baby comes. ((HUGS))
FWIW, I have seen over and over again on these boards how wonderfully helpful the right doula can be even with a supportive father. If you can swing the cost, I would absolutely recommend that you hire a doula to support and help YOU through L&D. |
Anonymous
| OP I am sorry to hear you are going through that. But just from little I know from your post it sounds like this was a problem even before you got pregnant? If so, then maybe now he is feeling very trapped in the marriage. Im sorry cause I know thats not what you need/want to hear now. I think all men go through a panic phase when their wives are pregnant for the first time, worried about healhy babies, paying for everything etc but really his behavior is totally inappropriate. At this point you really need marriage counseling. Please take care of yourself first and foremost though. You might want to crosspost this in the relationship section to see if other women went through somethign similar but after the birth and baby stage the husbands really stepped up? |
Anonymous
| My DH was very nervous about becoming a dad and whether or not he would live up to his own expectations. This led him to shy away from various baby-related conversations and I didn't learn why until later. Maybe something like this going on w/your DH? Especially since he has such a good dad of his own. Are you having a boy? |
Anonymous
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When I was pregnant with my son, my husband also didn't show any interest in the shopping part. He was complaining that I was too picky and spending way too much time to decide. He also didn't really want to cuddle me or have sex, but When the baby was born, he was great with the baby and I could say that he was the best dad in terms of spending time with the baby. I think may be for some men pregnancy is a scary thing and they don't see it as being "sexy" and they try to distant themselves from the details. It is stupid, but Ive heard and seen many men like that. So what I am saying is that may be it just hasn't clicked with him yet that he is going to be a dad. He doesn't know how much he will love this baby and once the baby is here, may be you'll find that he does change a diaper, etc.
I don't know the details about your marriage as you mentioned you have been seeing a councilor before pregnancy, but the first few months after the baby is born you may find that your relationship changes. Both of you will be tired. That happens to everyone, so try to emotionally make yourself ready for that. |
Anonymous
| Seriously, counseling. Now. I say that as someone who truly thought my marriage was over about a year after our first was born, and whose husband was nowhere near as dismissive, mean, and uninterested as yours. Even if it turns out he's just utterly terrified of becoming a dad and is expressing it very, very badly, you guys need to get to the bottom of this asap. |
Anonymous
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Counseling. Counseling RIGHT NOW or GTFO. His behavior is inexcusable.
As for the doulas, I love all the doulas I've met through By Your Side birth services: http://www.byyoursidebirth.com/ |
Anonymous
this. my husband was terrified and couldn't think, talk, or obsess about the baby with me. I found it incredibly frustrating and it took one really heated conversation for him to admit that he was really scared. Once the baby was here it was like he hit a switch. He is an amazing father. That being said, it doesn't make it ok. I suggest trying to talk to him about why he seems uninterested. Write him a letter, an email. leave a voicemail. Whatever it takes to start the conversation. It is better to get it out in the open now before your child arrives. |
Anonymous
this. my husband was terrified and couldn't think, talk, or obsess about the baby with me. I found it incredibly frustrating and it took one really heated conversation for him to admit that he was really scared. Once the baby was here it was like he hit a switch. He is an amazing father. That being said, it doesn't make it ok. I suggest trying to talk to him about why he seems uninterested. Write him a letter, an email. leave a voicemail. Whatever it takes to start the conversation. It is better to get it out in the open now before your child arrives. |
Anonymous
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I second counseling before the baby is there. And I more than agree that he is acting as a jerk, but maybe you could make an effort not to talk about the baby for a few weeks.
I know that you want him involved but honestly there is little to do before the baby is here. You can order stuff on amazon in one weekend. I personally told my husband not to come to the doctor visit except for the couple of ultrasound as I did not need him to pee in a cup. And we tried to do baby non-related stuff while we could. Once the baby is there it will be hard enough to talk about something else. |
Anonymous
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That sucks, OP. There are some things that he can get a pass on (not getting excited about dr. appointments and baby shopping), and some that don't, like yelling at you and refusing to talk about birth. I second the counselling suggestions.
I don't know what to say about the boy vs. girl issue, I was truly hoping that kind of Neanderthal male preference for an heir went out of style last century. He knows when you try for a baby you get a 50% shot at either. How old are you both? |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thank you, all. I do think the doula is the way to go (thanks for the rec!), and a counselor too (again). I know it'll only get harder from here. As I said, certain of these issues are longstanding, but even I've been really surprised at how crappy he's been when I should be able to expect more.
I know he'll be great with the baby...I just want him to be great with me too. Or at least not so mean, insensitive, and rude. Hopefully, like some of you with husbands who shared one or two of his issues, he'll get better. Something has to change. PS - Thanks for the advice on the marital thread - I didn't even know there was one; I've only been on DCUM for a short time. |
Anonymous
| Dtmfa |