Reply to Husband indifferent to all things pregnancy- and baby-related

Forum Index » Expectant and Postpartum Moms

Reply to "Husband indifferent to all things pregnancy- and baby-related"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous]Combination rant/request for doula recs and advice on heading off serious trouble in the future. TIA, and I'm sorry it's so long.

I'm in the 3rd tri with our first baby, and my husband has been really uninterested in the logistics and medical realities of preparing for and having a baby. He's resented every second of crib/stroller shopping (and there wasn't much for him to put up with since I did pre-research by myself online first), and he's done zero research of his own. It's been months of me reading pregnancy books and and Consumer Reports and user reviews -- along with months of him acting bored, annoyed, resentful, dismissive, and impatient when I try to talk about any of it. Not like I think it's always fun or fascinating conversational material myself, but someone has to do it, it's necessary, and we need to discuss large purchases and life events together.

Worse, when I even START to try to talk about anything related to L&D or any fears I have about it (tearing, pelvic floor damage, etc.), he interrupts immediately to dismiss my concerns, then criticizes me for worrying, then raises his voice to shut me up and end the conversation. It's his patented 3-step process for ending a discussion he isn't interested in, and has been for years, but it's wildly inappropriate now under the circumstances. When I point this out to him he'll get defensive first, then semi-apologetic a bit later, and eventually a little (and I mean a little) contrite, so I guess at least some small part of him knows he's being a jerk -- but he still never realizes it until way after the fact and the damage is done, so the cycle repeats itself constantly.

I didn't want to hire a doula since I was trying to keep things simple, but I think I'll have to since I don't trust him to be any real comfort or support during the event itself. (Doula recs, anyone?) Honestly, if I could choose, I wouldn't have him there at all. I'd rather have my mom or even just the medical staff. I'm completely serious about this.

His emotional, physical, and conversational distance and constant snapping are too much. While he has many fine qualities in other areas, this lack of caring and interest in me and the impending birth has really alienated me. My friends and coworkers either are or have husbands who read about baby stuff, rub their wives' feet, learn baby CPR, and are childproofing the house with a vengeance. None of that happening in our house. He's attended two doctor's appointment in 30 weeks, at my request. He actually yelled -- really, truly yelled -- at me the one time I asked him to rub my feet when they were swollen and painful beyond description, and he lost interest in sex with me months ago. (I haven't gained excess weight and still take a lot of care with my appearance.) He's barely been concerned about my pregnancy, will almost certainly get impatient and snippy during L&D, plus I have full confidence he'll expect me to do all the feedings and diaper changes and baths and baby care so he'll still have several hours a night to web-surf and watch sports, then get a restful night's sleep. He's already indicated that he thinks he should always get to sleep through the night since HE won't be on maternity leave. My hero!

Trouble has brewed and a lot more is brewing, obviously. How can I head off some or all of the bad times that are clearly coming??? Did any of you face this kind of uninterest and selfishness and successfully work your way out of it? Thoughtful advice would be very welcome and much appreciated.

PS - Since I know people will (rightly) ask, yes, these communication/lack of empathy issues predate the baby, and yes, we've tried counseling previously (which helped a little), and yes, I am advocating to start it again since I barely even want to talk to him at this point. And yes, he really wanted a baby -- he's great with kids. (Though we are having a girl and I know he wanted a boy - not sure if that's playing a role.) His job does not require long hours. He comes from a nice family with a really kid-oriented dad. And please don't attack me for being needy; I am far from it, but I do expect my husband to care about his wife as we have our first baby together.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics