Husband indifferent to all things pregnancy- and baby-related

[Anonymous]

Are you at all close to his family? Do they know how he treats you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dtmfa

+1

If these issues are longstanding as you say, change isn't something that men do well. Old dog, old tricks.

[FBO]

We get weird when you guys are pregnant because all kinds of stuff is going through our heads. He may be overly concerned for your health during the labor and stuff and his way of not stressing out over it is to not talk about it.

One week before my daughter was to be born, I had a buddy call me and the only thing he said was 'which one?' I asked him what he meant and he said "When the doc turns to you during the c-section and says 'I can only save one, your wife, or the daughter, which one will you pick?" I doubt i was the perfect partner after that leading up to the delivery but I never told her about it - she just thought I was upset at work.

There may be things you dont know about and him not letting you talk to him about your feelings is not going to help. Its a tough spot, but you both have to find a joint voice to work through it together.

Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you, all. I do think the doula is the way to go (thanks for the rec!), and a counselor too (again). I know it'll only get harder from here. As I said, certain of these issues are longstanding, but even I've been really surprised at how crappy he's been when I should be able to expect more.

I know he'll be great with the baby...I just want him to be great with me too. Or at least not so mean, insensitive, and rude. Hopefully, like some of you with husbands who shared one or two of his issues, he'll get better. Something has to change.

PS - Thanks for the advice on the marital thread - I didn't even know there was one; I've only been on DCUM for a short time.

OP-if he is great with the baby but an asshole to the mother of baby then he is NOT a good parent. I can't think of anything that has more of an influence on a kids well being an happiness than the relationships they witness daily in their households. Ask yourself if you want a son to grow up to be a husband just your like yours. If the answer is NO, then you are married to the wrong guy.

[Anonymous]

OP, what do you think would happen if you tell him that you don't want him in the hospital during L&D?

[Anonymous]

This is about how he's treating you, not how he's treating the prrgnancy. Even if he is scared, he should not be treating you like crap. It seems like you have little love & affection stored up - you need to get it back somehow! Dh needs a come-to-jesus talk, stat.

[Anonymous]

Op, are you not a little too obsessed?
There really is no need to research baby gear, childproof a house before the baby comes, obsess about the health. Birth is very natural, nature takes its course. You have doctor and nurses and that is all you need.
Don't ask him to massage your feet
Let him rest and have some man time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is about how he's treating you, not how he's treating the prrgnancy. Even if he is scared, he should not be treating you like crap. It seems like you have little love & affection stored up - you need to get it back somehow! Dh needs a come-to-jesus talk, stat.

I agree!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, are you not a little too obsessed?
There really is no need to research baby gear, childproof a house before the baby comes, obsess about the health. Birth is very natural, nature takes its course. You have doctor and nurses and that is all you need.
Don't ask him to massage your feet
Let him rest and have some man time

"man time"? Are you the person who posted that letter from a hoochie mama mistress?

Lord knows my dh has not been perfect through this pregnancy, but I am going to go home and give him a giant smooch for how sweet he has been for all his fears & imperfections.

[Anonymous]

Op, are you not a little too obsessed?
There really is no need to research baby gear, childproof a house before the baby comes, obsess about the health. Birth is very natural, nature takes its course. You have doctor and nurses and that is all you need.
Don't ask him to massage your feet
Let him rest and have some man time

This is an absolutely ridiculous set of statements. "Doctors and nurses are all you need?" Let HIM rest? Idiotic.

OP, ignore this person. As you clearly state for anyone who has a tiny bit of reading comprehension, the problem isn't necessarily that he doesn't want to go shopping with you or rub your feet, but that he's shutting you down rather aggressively with anything that has to do with this pregnancy. Maybe that's due to unstated fear for you and the baby, maybe it's because he's an asshole -- who knows, but it's not the way you should be treated. You are both in this together. If he has larger concerns, he has to express them without yelling or belittling.

I agree with all the calls for counseling, but just keeping it real, it doesn't sound like he's going to be responsive to that. So I just wanted to suggest that if you guys can't go together, it will still be worthwhile for you to consider going by yourself. The therapist may be able to offer some different ways to communicate with him that may make these next stressful days and months easier to deal with.

As for a doula -- you didn't mention where you are, so it's hard for me to give a recommendation. There's been a lot of doulas recommended on this board if you want to search, or you can always go through the Birth Options Alliance.

http://www.birthoptionsalliance.org/

My one suggestion on that end is if you are already in your third tri and you know for sure you want a doula, you should hop on it. A lot of doulas get booked up quite early.

The very best of luck to you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was pregnant with my son, my husband also didn't show any interest in the shopping part. He was complaining that I was too picky and spending way too much time to decide.

Same here. What worked for us was that I did it all and never asked for an opinion or company shopping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was pregnant with my son, my husband also didn't show any interest in the shopping part. He was complaining that I was too picky and spending way too much time to decide.

Same here. What worked for us was that I did it all and never asked for an opinion or company shopping.

Ok so your DH doing absolutely nothing and not talking about your pregnancy " worked" for you? Sorry but that's pathetic. You made yourself a doormat.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if you can realistically expect a man to take an interest in meticulously researching baby gear. My DH certainly didn't, and I didn't expect that. But he trotted along when I asked him to pick things up, put them together, came to Dr. appointments, rubbed my feet without asking and was generally helpful and sympathetic. I don't think OP is complaining about his lack of interest in comparing twenty types of exersaucer models. She would like him to show compassion and affection during this vulnerable time and make her feel like they are in this together. It's not about the shopping.

[Anonymous]

OP, sounds to me like the storm clouds are gathering. I'd take some of the PPs advice to heart, and go to counseling again. He sounds just like my DH. Uh, ex DH. Who decide when DS was 7 months old that he really didn't want to be a father after all.

Hopefully since you've recognized the signs better than I did you can fix this earlier. ALso, this was 14 yrs ago, so times have changed, different country, etc. But he is definitely not exhibiting a good pattern.