What do you say to people who tell you they couldn't have kids but wanted them?

[Anonymous]

I was at a convention lunch today and having a wonderful conversation with another conventioner. I am expecting and so the topic of children arose. He had that "I love kids" smile, even when I noted my son is spirited, so I asked if he had any of his own. He said that he had always wanted them, but he and his wife couldn't, they were trying to adopt when she passed away 10 years ago. He said sometihing about wanting what we can't have and I said about how we take for granted what we do have, so it wan't terribly awkward. He had mentioned getting married in October earlier in the conversation, so I then just started asking about the wedding plans.

Is there something tactful to say that doesn't sound mournful to someone past the age of possible conception who always wanted children but couldn't?

[Anonymous]

Well, he's a man, so they are never past the age of conception... but I think you handled it well.

In life in general I try to never act more upset than the person who is 'upset'. Not helpful to them or you. You reflected the sentiments back and I think that was most respectful.

The placid face and nod works well too.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you handled it really well. It's hard when virtual strangers offers intensely personal information. I think part of sharing it for that person is being heard and normalizing their experience - being able to say it out loud despite how painful that experience is/was.

[Anonymous]

"I'm sorry life worked out that way, I hope you have lots of children in your life that you are able to love and spoil"

IDK, I'd probably say something like that in attempt to honor the information that he shared. Moving to his upcoming marriage was a good move, though. It's a tragedy about his wife and no kids, but focusing on his more positive future was good.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you handled it very gracefully. If I was in that situation I would probably end up putting my foot in my mouth. But hopefully I'd say something along the lines of how I can empathize b/c it took me years of trying and then lots of technology before getting pregnant, and I did have to reconcile with myself many times that I may never have kids. But honestly, I would more likely just put my foot in my mouth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you handled it very gracefully. If I was in that situation I would probably end up putting my foot in my mouth. But hopefully I'd say something along the lines of how I can empathize b/c it took me years of trying and then lots of technology before getting pregnant, and I did have to reconcile with myself many times that I may never have kids. But honestly, I would more likely just put my foot in my mouth.

I have said this but it didn't go well. The fact is, despite what I went through I now have children and she still doesnt. When women especially are in this kind of pain they can feel misunderstood and patronized if the comparison to their pain doesn't match...if that makes sense? Its really tough. I know when I was struggling with infertility, nothing anyone said was "right"

The sympathetic look and nod is probably best. And maybe "I really hope things do work out for you"

Oh and please don't ever say "I'll be praying for you" ugh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you handled it very gracefully. If I was in that situation I would probably end up putting my foot in my mouth. But hopefully I'd say something along the lines of how I can empathize b/c it took me years of trying and then lots of technology before getting pregnant, and I did have to reconcile with myself many times that I may never have kids. But honestly, I would more likely just put my foot in my mouth.

I have said this but it didn't go well. The fact is, despite what I went through I now have children and she still doesnt. When women especially are in this kind of pain they can feel misunderstood and patronized if the comparison to their pain doesn't match...if that makes sense? Its really tough. I know when I was struggling with infertility, nothing anyone said was "right"

The sympathetic look and nod is probably best. And maybe "I really hope things do work out for you"

Oh and please don't ever say "I'll be praying for you" ugh

Add to the do not say list: "Some days my kids drive me crazy and I wish I were in your shoes." Comments like that are totally insensitive to the struggles of infertility.

[Anonymous]

Oh and please don't ever say "I'll be praying for you" ugh

Add to the do not say list: "Some days my kids drive me crazy and I wish I were in your shoes." Comments like that are totally insensitive to the struggles of infertility.

OP here: That is one that I was very conscious not to say. I didn't want to say anything to minimize the joy of children when he obviously knew what he was missing. I hate when people do that for anything that they have and another doesn't. That's just good sense and politeness. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. I think you did just fine, OP. I think any more would just be "too much" so I would have probably said something along the same lines as you. Good job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Oh and please don't ever say "I'll be praying for you" ugh

Add to the do not say list: "Some days my kids drive me crazy and I wish I were in your shoes." Comments like that are totally insensitive to the struggles of infertility.

OP here: That is one that I was very conscious not to say. I didn't want to say anything to minimize the joy of children when he obviously knew what he was missing. I hate when people do that for anything that they have and another doesn't. That's just good sense and politeness. Thanks.

I'm the 14:06 PP and i agree with what everyone has said after me. Especially the PP who said it probably would end up hurting more if I said something about my infertility struggles, particularly to a woman, b/c it emphasizes that i got what I wanted in the end. I totally get that and agree 100% that when I was struggling with infertility, no one could say anything right. I will never ever forget the phone call I had with one of my sisters during that time, when I was pouring my heart out to her, and she said "well, don't feel so bad b/c being pregnant really sucks." She's such a moron.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Oh and please don't ever say "I'll be praying for you" ugh

I am going to pray for you.

I mean it.

[Anonymous]

this happened to me. my child's preschool
teacher. i said, i hope it happens for you, or something equally stupid. i was taken aback and put my foot in my mouth. i think you handled it well.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you handled it well. I think the most important thing is to say something- almost anything- that acknowledges what the other just said. It's important not to feel so awkward that you just ignore it and change the topic. Even if you put your foot in your mouth, I feel like the other person appreciates that you tried-- as long as it comes from a place of sincerity and sympathy. I agree that comments like, "you're not really missing anything" etc are definitely not helpful because they minimize the person's experience. Just acknowledge the experience, that it must have been hard/painful/etc. and take your clue from the other person as to whether to stay with that topic or move on. If it's a stranger it's probably most comfortable for both parties to move on to another topic.

[Anonymous]

Here's my personal experience. We very much wanted a second, got pregnant and lost the baby at 20 weeks. It was utterly traumatic. We have not succeeded in having a second and time is about run out. I am mourning the loss of a second child and for me it helps to hear about the positives of having an only child and the negatives of having 2+. But that is just me.

[Anonymous]

PP here. So if I wasn't able to have kids at all, it might help to hear about the things you miss from your life before kids. But I can see where some people would have the opposite reaction.

I think you handled the situation really well.