What do you say to people who tell you they couldn't have kids but wanted them?

[Anonymous]

Anything you say is going to be ok because quite frankly it's pretty obnoxious for someone to tell a total stranger anything other than "no" when asked if they have kids and they don't. That they need to make some further statement to either guilt the question asker or invoke sympathy is what is awkward. There is nothing awkward with someone saying they don't have children and they certainly don't owe anyone an explanation so there is no need to provide one.

[Anonymous]

I usually just say 'I'm so sorry'. A similar thing happened to a woman with whom I work on a project, she is older and lost her only son when he was in his 20's.

I hear you on the praying thing. Our language needs a better verb to express the sentiment of 'I'll be thinking of you and wishing you well' without religious intonations or sounding like the other person is doomed to a life of misery.

[Anonymous]

This has been said to me more than a few times - by most of the child-free couples I know at some point or another. (I'm a single mom who had an unexpected baby at 36, and have been very open about my "story" so people are very open with me about theirs.)

Typically I'll say something like, "What a shame - I'm sorry to hear that." Sometimes that's all I have to say and we change the subject. Other times, depending on the person, we'll talk about the bright sides of travel and freedom and career without kids. But I would let them initiate that. And occasionally I will tell some of the "3-year-olds are from hell" stories, but again, that's on a case-by-case basis. (single women who wanted kids but never married often like to hear the horror stories.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, he's a man, so they are never past the age of conception... but I think you handled it well.

In life in general I try to never act more upset than the person who is 'upset'. Not helpful to them or you. You reflected the sentiments back and I think that was most respectful.

The placid face and nod works well too.

There are higher risks for disabilities when either of the parents are older, including the man.

[Anonymous]

I have a large family, and I cannot tell you how many times total strangers come up to me and instantly tell me why they could not have as many children as they wished--usually, women tell me their husbands wouldn't let them, and that it is a deep sorrow for them. I never know what the heck to say back.

[Anonymous]

I think you handled the situation well. When people tell they wanted to have children and could not, I tell them that this must be very tough to deal with and that for me having children has been a mixed bag.

[Anonymous]

21:32, I think you are completely wrong. 13:52's comments really resonated with me:

OP, I think you handled it really well. It's hard when virtual strangers offers intensely personal information. I think part of sharing it for that person is being heard and normalizing their experience - being able to say it out loud despite how painful that experience is/was.

[Anonymous]

For the record, OP, not only do I agree with everyone that you handled it well, but for someone who suffered with infertility until the mid-40's, I think your response is by far the best response of any that have been posted in this thread. Your comment was acknowledgment without pity (although many people were trying for sympathy, it can come across as pity). Well done. I hope that I could be that considerate and successful in navigating a difficult conversation.