My Mother is NUTS!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!

[Anonymous]

My mom and her just drove 2hrs to come visit with me and the kids for an overnight. When she arrived I was taking a nap with my 2yr old. I got up out of bed when I heard the dog barking (she has a key and lets herself in). I came into the living room said hi (apparently not enthusiastically enough). I then proceeded to the kitchen to quickly make some pizza dough, which takes 2hrs to rise, so I had to do it quick, as it was 3:30. She then announces that she is going with my husband, and her husband to play a quick 9 holes of golf, which of course was fine with me. I then get a text from my sister saying that my mom is pissed at me that I'm giving her the cold shoulder. I then get a text from my DH who is at golf with her saying that my mom is leaving after golf for the same reason. Here is why I am not fuming:

1. PRIMARILY my mom has not communicated her displeasure with me directly. She is channeling this communication in a very passive aggressive way via my sister (who is 100 miles away) and my husband, who is awkwardly stuck in the middle playing golf with her. Would it have been so hard for her to pull me aside and ask me if something was wrong? So difficult for her to say "hey, I feel like you are being rude or are upset, is something wrong, did I do something"? If she just would have approached me directly, all this drama could be avoided.
2. I'm not giving her the cold shoulder I just woke up from a nap. I'm tired, I was distracted. I feel like I have been completely blindsided and am left really standing her saying What the fuck just happened?
3.looking at it I should be the one pissed since she arrived at my home to "visit" with me and then quickly scrams to play golf for 2 hours, but I did not think anything of it until now.
4. She has now ruined my night with her outburst.

This incident if isolated, would be something normal people could just laugh off as a miscommunication, but not with my mom. This is normal for her to behave in a very indirect and passive aggressive way, it never gets easier. Her moods are always so unpredictable!! Even if she does plan on staying, what am I to do, turn on the sugar like syrup? I was not annoyed when she arrived, I was pretty happy, but now I actually have a reason to be pissed.

[Anonymous]

sorry for the length, I just needed to vent.

[Anonymous]

Was she expected for a visit?

I'd probably take the key away/change the locks.

I'm sorry, she is a pain.

[Anonymous]

She was expected for a visit, which is why I was scrambling to make home made pizza dough. I went to the farmers market this morning to pick out the toppings so we could have a super fresh meal on this lovely evening. I even stopped at the ABC store to get some ingredients for home made frozen margaritas and some stole raspberry so I could my delicious raspberry martinis.
IF SHE HAD TAKEN THE TIME TO TALK TO ME, SHE WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT I HAVE BEEN HAPPILY PREPARING FOR HER ARRIVAL. Even cleaned my pig sty of a home for her. I should have never bothered!!! Even if she stays, I'm seeing red right now just thinking about it.

[Anonymous]

continue on with your evening plans, ignore her sulking, act happy with everyone and don't cater to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom and her just drove 2hrs to come visit with me and the kids for an overnight. When she arrived I was taking a nap with my 2yr old. I got up out of bed when I heard the dog barking (she has a key and lets herself in). I came into the living room said hi (apparently not enthusiastically enough). I then proceeded to the kitchen to quickly make some pizza dough, which takes 2hrs to rise, so I had to do it quick, as it was 3:30. She then announces that she is going with my husband, and her husband to play a quick 9 holes of golf, which of course was fine with me. I then get a text from my sister saying that my mom is pissed at me that I'm giving her the cold shoulder. I then get a text from my DH who is at golf with her saying that my mom is leaving after golf for the same reason. Here is why I am not fuming:

1. PRIMARILY my mom has not communicated her displeasure with me directly. She is channeling this communication in a very passive aggressive way via my sister (who is 100 miles away) and my husband, who is awkwardly stuck in the middle playing golf with her. Would it have been so hard for her to pull me aside and ask me if something was wrong? So difficult for her to say "hey, I feel like you are being rude or are upset, is something wrong, did I do something"? If she just would have approached me directly, all this drama could be avoided.
2. I'm not giving her the cold shoulder I just woke up from a nap. I'm tired, I was distracted. I feel like I have been completely blindsided and am left really standing her saying What the fuck just happened?
3.looking at it I should be the one pissed since she arrived at my home to "visit" with me and then quickly scrams to play golf for 2 hours, but I did not think anything of it until now.
4. She has now ruined my night with her outburst.

This incident if isolated, would be something normal people could just laugh off as a miscommunication, but not with my mom. This is normal for her to behave in a very indirect and passive aggressive way, it never gets easier. Her moods are always so unpredictable!! Even if she does plan on staying, what am I to do, turn on the sugar like syrup? I was not annoyed when she arrived, I was pretty happy, but now I actually have a reason to be pissed.

I guess it depends on the established family dynamics. I understand you were napping, but this was an expected visit. In my family, to be received like this seems cold, and I would have felt unwelcome. Maybe that's why she left to play golf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom and her just drove 2hrs to come visit with me and the kids for an overnight. When she arrived I was taking a nap with my 2yr old. I got up out of bed when I heard the dog barking (she has a key and lets herself in). I came into the living room said hi (apparently not enthusiastically enough). I then proceeded to the kitchen to quickly make some pizza dough, which takes 2hrs to rise, so I had to do it quick, as it was 3:30. She then announces that she is going with my husband, and her husband to play a quick 9 holes of golf, which of course was fine with me. I then get a text from my sister saying that my mom is pissed at me that I'm giving her the cold shoulder. I then get a text from my DH who is at golf with her saying that my mom is leaving after golf for the same reason. Here is why I am not fuming:

1. PRIMARILY my mom has not communicated her displeasure with me directly. She is channeling this communication in a very passive aggressive way via my sister (who is 100 miles away) and my husband, who is awkwardly stuck in the middle playing golf with her. Would it have been so hard for her to pull me aside and ask me if something was wrong? So difficult for her to say "hey, I feel like you are being rude or are upset, is something wrong, did I do something"? If she just would have approached me directly, all this drama could be avoided.
2. I'm not giving her the cold shoulder I just woke up from a nap. I'm tired, I was distracted. I feel like I have been completely blindsided and am left really standing her saying What the fuck just happened?
3.looking at it I should be the one pissed since she arrived at my home to "visit" with me and then quickly scrams to play golf for 2 hours, but I did not think anything of it until now.
4. She has now ruined my night with her outburst.

This incident if isolated, would be something normal people could just laugh off as a miscommunication, but not with my mom. This is normal for her to behave in a very indirect and passive aggressive way, it never gets easier. Her moods are always so unpredictable!! Even if she does plan on staying, what am I to do, turn on the sugar like syrup? I was not annoyed when she arrived, I was pretty happy, but now I actually have a reason to be pissed.

I guess it depends on the established family dynamics. I understand you were napping, but this was an expected visit. In my family, to be received like this seems cold, and I would have felt unwelcome. Maybe that's why she left to play golf.

The arrival time was fluid...sometime in the afternoon, which is why she let herself in with the key. As far as that goes the dynamic is casual. She has a key to my home and goes and comes as she pleases. I've even come home to her in my bathtub (its large, she likes it) and her bathing in my tub unannounced is not a problem. Her problem was not my nap, but apparently my enthusiasm level.

[Anonymous]

Your chief complaint is that she did not talk to you directly.

Now here is your opening. CALL HER. Or wait until she comes back. Either way. But address it DIRECTLY. In a nice way, but direct. Take control of your own evening.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a bummer situation. Sorry.

Since she didn't take the higher road and communicate with you directly, why don't you reach out to her? Does she have a cell with her? Give her a call or text her - whatever is normal - and let her know that you understand she's upset, and you're sorry. That you're excited for her to be there, that you were sleepy and thinking about dinner when she arrived, and that you hope she'll stay. I'd way rather talk to her directly than rant behind her back, or waste time being upset about what she thinks happened than didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a bummer situation. Sorry.

Since she didn't take the higher road and communicate with you directly, why don't you reach out to her? Does she have a cell with her? Give her a call or text her - whatever is normal - and let her know that you understand she's upset, and you're sorry. That you're excited for her to be there, that you were sleepy and thinking about dinner when she arrived, and that you hope she'll stay. I'd way rather talk to her directly than rant behind her back, or waste time being upset about what she thinks happened than didn't.

I will swallow my anger and do just this. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I think the only mistake you made is not telling her not to come at nap time (that's what I tell my parents who have a key also).

[Anonymous]

The only thing that seems passive aggressive about your behavior is the immediate making of the pizza dough. While I understand your desire to cook the great meal, seems a bit abrupt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only thing that seems passive aggressive about your behavior is the immediate making of the pizza dough. While I understand your desire to cook the great meal, seems a bit abrupt.

Agreed. And your kid is 2, it's unusual to nap in the afternoon when guests are expected. If you do, you end up tired and distracted when they arrive, and that's hardly a warm welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:continue on with your evening plans, ignore her sulking, act happy with everyone and don't cater to her.

Ignoring passive aggressive behavior is also passive aggressive. FYI.

[Anonymous]

Here's the only response-- do nothing and go about your evening happy as a clam. You are not responsible for your mother's feelings, your husband isn't and your sister isn't. Until you hear it directly from your mother that she felt dismissed/hurt/bothered, it's not your issue. If you allow yourself to get upset or initiate a conversation or defend yourself, then you've given her permission to deal in a passive-aggressive way. She'll get rewarded for complaining indirectly thru husband and sister. It's a non- issue until she takes responsibility for expressing her own feelings. Period.