etiquette question about a wedding gift mishap

[Anonymous]

Hello all:

DH and I were invited to the wedding of an old friend I'm fond of. The wedding is in June. When I received the wedding invitation, (about three weeks ago) I put the RSVP in the mail the same day and sent it off noting that we'd attend with pleasure. We're really looking forward to the wedding. They did not include any info about a wedding registry, so I googled it and found one. They were registered at Macy's so I bought them gifts from their register and had them sent, which is what I usually do with weddings. I spent about 160. (Close friend, though we haven't talked in a while for various reasons, most of which due to me living abroad for a while). Anyway, long story short, this past weekend I received a nice thank you note from them, thanking me for the very, very generous shower gift! Oops! That was supposed to be the wedding gift!

I guess my wedding gift arrived right in time for their shower (which I didn't know about and was not invited to) and they assumed it was intended as a wedding gift. While I'm not cash-strapped exactly, that gift was at the high end of my wedding budget for good friends. We'll be attending the wedding and staying at a hotel for the weekend, so that's another 350 or so. I'm not cheap, I swear, but I can't easily afford to buy another wedding present. Yet, I'm not sure there's any way to gracefully say "Oh man, that wasn't a shower gift, that was your wedding gift!"

Did I goof up? Do I just need to suck it up and chaaaaaaaarge another present? If so, can I do a smaller present without looking super chintzy? Meantime, they must think I'm nuts for spending 160 on their shower. My grandmother, an etiquette stickler, says the mistake is theirs and I don't need to do anything else. But that doesn't necessarily feel right to me - I wouldn't want them to think I didn't buy them a wedding present. I do care about the couple. Yet, I wouldn't say I'm tight enough to have an easy conversation about the mixup or anything.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I'd just shoot them a quick email and say you were just early with your wedding gift. Then move on to talking about the wedding. Don't stress over it.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. I should mention, the wedding is next month, I sent the gift this month. so we weren't really crazy-early or anything. I can't imagine that we are the only people who sent a gift ahead of time? When I got married, we'd gotten a huge chunk of our gifts a few months before the date. I thought I was doing the right thing sending it ahead of time! I feel like sending an email would embarrass us all. Hoping others will weigh in. Maybe I'm overthinking.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you have to say anything. With destination weddings etiquettly ( is that a word?) your presence is the gift. They know you got them like $200 worth of crap on top of the travel.

[Anonymous]

It seems very odd that they would think you sent a gift for a shower that you weren't invited to. I would just let it go, and NO you don't need to give them another gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems very odd that they would think you sent a gift for a shower that you weren't invited to. I would just let it go, and NO you don't need to give them another gift.

+ a million. She was writing shower thank yous and just kept going in the same
Vein.

[Anonymous]

It would be strange if you bought another gift. Don't say anything, don't buy another gift, just go to the wedding and enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be strange if you bought another gift. Don't say anything, don't buy another gift, just go to the wedding and enjoy.

Agree with this. Dont overthink it!

[Anonymous]

I guess you're all right, maybe they'll figure it out? I'm old school friends with the husband, not the bride (haven't met her, but she seems really super nice), and she is the one who wrote the thank you note. Also, she sent me a FB email from her when the gift arrived saying "OMG we got your gift today, that was SO generous, and totally not necessary but truly appreciated, thank you," and the groom (my old friend) sent me a text saying "wow, that was so nice of you". So I should have known then by how generous they seemed to think I was being, and how they seemed surprised, that signals were being crossed. I definitely noticed it, but they're really, really nice people so I thought they were just being appreciative! Ha ha.

This still feels really awkward to me!

[Anonymous]

Go to the wedding, enjoy and don't bring a gift!

[Anonymous]

One more voice saying no more gifts. They made a goofy assumption. It's not your fault.

Enjoy the wedding!

[Anonymous]

ANOTHER vote for no more gifts. What a weird assumption they made. Why would you send them an expensive shower present if you weren't invited to the shower? I agree with the PP who said you might shoot them an email thanking them for the their nice card and letting them know that the gift was a wedding present, but then quickly moving on and saying and that you are very excited to see them, blah blah blah. I suspect they might realize their mistake some day, and it would be even more embarrassing for them if you hadn't said anything.

[Anonymous]

I agree with grandma, et al

[Anonymous]

the mistake was HERS not yours.
she should know who's invited to the shower and who is not...

[Anonymous]

I agree it was weird of them to think you sent such an expensive shower gift when you weren't invited to the shower. Maybe they didn't know whether it was a shower or wedding gift and didn't want to not thank you, therefore seeming unappreciative of the shower gift, and so thought they were erring in the side of caution. If they did that though, they unintentionally set you up to send another wedding gift. Maybe they didn't think it through. In any case, they sound like nice people and I think they'd understand if you come to their destination wedding without another gift.