HOw do you tell your parents you are doing IVF?

[Anonymous]

I know this is a strange question, but I have immigrant parents who (I believe, though do not know) will have never have heard of IVF or any type of ART- or at least not in any way other than "test tube babies". To them, a woman having a baby is the most important thing in the world, and I'm scared, terrified, actually of telling them that we have had trouble and having been trying these methods for the last year. I have not told them anything yet, but after now miscarrying, this is hard to keep a secret, especially because I am close to my parents. I know they are going to be so worried, and I"m concerned they won't understand these technologies- and I'm terrified they won't approve (even though I think I"m selling them short, I think i'm just projecting).

So basically, I've decided I'm going to tell them, it would be nice to have my mom to cry to sometimes, but I need some advice on how to tell them... any suggestions?

Thanks

[Anonymous]

We opted to tell my husband's parents who are Catholic and very conservative. We realized that they wouldn't approve from a religious standpoint, and we also weren't sure that they'd understand from the scientific perspective either. They were ultimately very supportive, but I think it was hard for them to get over the conflict with their faith (although they never said anything directly to us). We were matter of fact: We've been trying to conceive without success, we really want a child as part of our family, there's a process called IVF that helps to overcome the difficulty we're having with conception, and we are using IVF to try and conceive a child. We didn't get super technical and they didn't ask too many questions other than how they could support us. At the end of the day, I think they wanted a grandchild and how our baby came into our lives didn't matter. They got that. Best wishes, OP.

[Anonymous]

I didn't tell my parents, who I knew WOULD be supportive and WOULD understand the technology, until I had the same thing happen to me...a very traumatic loss.

I knew I needed my mother's support to get through the loss. And she ended up being my most supportive friend through 2 additional IVFs...and unlike some mothers...she didn't irritate me through the IVF process by saying a lot of stupid things...she was just thoroughly supportive and mostly listened.

You'd be surprised at how Mom's react, I think...Of anyone, they understand that desire to be a Mom...and they fully understand the desire to be a Grandmom .

Bless my mother's soul...as she died suddenly, weeks before she had the chance to hold her twin grandbabies...I am glad I have the wonderful memories of her supporting me through the crap of IVF.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thank you both, your advice/stories are very helpful

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm certain you'll find nothing but love and support from your family. DH's parents are 3rd grade educated and live in a tiny rural village in another country. They don't understand the medicine we're doing, but they do understand miscarriage and what it means. They've been nothing but wonderful. They have had some unusual/hysterical suggestions involving the sacrifice of a chicken and limes, but at the end of the day they want to be there for us and have been nothing but supportive. Just keep the conversation on the stuff they can understand.

[Anonymous]

My mom is also an immigrant parent from Pakistan and moved here when 20ish...the IVF path is unheard of for her, but I've been open since the start. I told her this is the route I have to take and these are the issues we're struggling with specifically and there is no way possible to conceive without it. She doesn't necessarily understand the details except for the cost of it and just 'prays' a lot for our success. I left it to her to tell my father and then once he got the run down from her, I talked to them about it openly and answered all their questions. My father is a professional and would understand these things at the same level as myself.

I chose not to get into it with my inlaws b/c there is no way they would even understand words like, 'ovulation, ovaries, fallopian tubes, blocked fallopian tubes' - I feel like those would go over their heads and so rather than stress myself out and worry them (nothing they can do) I'll just leave that alone. DH wants me to tell them if I'm comfortable and if they had a higher level of understanding I would, but I think they'll just be confused.

Agreed with PP's - parents are quite resilliant and do understand when it comes down to it. They understand this is painful and want to help as much as they can.

[Anonymous]

OP, we tried IVF twice, it worked the 2nd time. No matter how educated, worldly any parent is, I would NOT tell my parents or in-laws. Read all the other posts here on the disappointment from the various posters. It is brutal, and you don't understand it fully until you go thru with it. If you need IVF, well, it kinda sucks. Telling people about it, and then having to break the news of it not working, just makes it harder on the female, IMO.

[Anonymous]

My family is also from Pakistan. I was very open with my mom from the beginning. I had to have a Lap. Surgery and from that point my in laws also knew the jist of it. I never discussed with my in laws but sometimes they would ask my husband how it's going and is everything ok. After my first failed Ivf though and having to tell everyone it didnt work, we keep it all vague and simple. It's great to have support but also hard to go through such disappointments and then having to share them. I believe letting them in is great but I wouldn't detail every step...good luck hun

Anonymous wrote:My mom is also an immigrant parent from Pakistan and moved here when 20ish...the IVF path is unheard of for her, but I've been open since the start. I told her this is the route I have to take and these are the issues we're struggling with specifically and there is no way possible to conceive without it. She doesn't necessarily understand the details except for the cost of it and just 'prays' a lot for our success. I left it to her to tell my father and then once he got the run down from her, I talked to them about it openly and answered all their questions. My father is a professional and would understand these things at the same level as myself.

I chose not to get into it with my inlaws b/c there is no way they would even understand words like, 'ovulation, ovaries, fallopian tubes, blocked fallopian tubes' - I feel like those would go over their heads and so rather than stress myself out and worry them (nothing they can do) I'll just leave that alone. DH wants me to tell them if I'm comfortable and if they had a higher level of understanding I would, but I think they'll just be confused.

Agreed with PP's - parents are quite resilliant and do understand when it comes down to it. They understand this is painful and want to help as much as they can.

[Anonymous]

My parents are also immigrants, and very conservative. We decided not to tell them.

[Anonymous]

I didn't tell my very religious parents.

[Anonymous]

we did not tell our parents. I will say that by the 4th cycle it got very hard to not tell them (I had to miss part of my brother's 30th b'day festivities b/c of an IVF cycle and it was tough to come up with a good excuse). We told them once I was pregnant because I was having twins.

[Anonymous]

GAWD these old, buddy duddy conservative parents, or immigrants blah blah need to get over themselves and realize what the hell goes on in today's world! IDIOTS!

[Anonymous]

Calling peoples' loved ones "idiots" = seldom a winning move.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I did tell my parents, very high level and they were wonderful about the whole thing. I feel so much better. Thanks for all the advice!

[Anonymous]

Oh...I am SO glad for you!

Honestly, I told almost NO ONE about it...I am 5/14, 12:51...and my husband really didn't want to tell his family, so we didn't...

But I am SO eternally grateful that I told my mother...it made life so much easier on so many levels.