friend question--how best to extricate myself from a friendship

[Anonymous]

I'm friends with a girl who I have great chemistry with. We can sit and talk about nothing or very intimate things. We share a number of casual friends but by in large we function in different worlds. She's a social climber and is always meeting new people (mostly of the wealthy, Southern, quilted jacket set). I am fine with this except that when we're both around this set she'll pretty much ignores me or acts very superficial around me (treats me like a very casual acquaintance). She's also hard to pin down for social things---infrequently answers my calls, etc. However, then she'll pop back into the picture and we'll have a lovely time and will really connect. I know she counts me as one of her closer (if not closest) friends because she's said as much on numerous times. However, I very much feel like her mistress and not her wife. Good enough to to be real with but only on her timeline and when she's not chasing a myriad of other superficial friendships. And yes, I get it---"she's probably just not that into me". I get this but it's SO annoying that it's contrasted with her being really intimate and warm (as long as it's on her timeline).

So as much as I enjoy her company I've had it with the friendship. It's not a relationship that makes me feel good about myself. I have 4-5 other good local friendships that are just SO much easier. I talk to some of these weekly, some twice a week, some monthly. So I am totally comfortable with all kids of levels of correspondence in close friendships. It's just that this one friend makes me feel so much like a mistress. Frankly I get hurt and I don't need to feel like this. Some people might be totally fine with this. I'm not and I don't think it makes me a bad person. I mean, who wants to be ignored in public by a "good" friend?

My question is--do I let her know how I feel? I don't want to come off as needy or unhinged. I just want the friendship to drift away. However, I am hurt. I have a hard time just leaving without saying why. Do I just make start to makes excuses (being busy, etc) when she next decides to pop up and call? And what the heck drives this "have to know everyone and have 15 million superficial "kiss-kiss" friends? It seems SO common in NW DC. I usually side step this culture entirely but I unfortunately got myself mixed up in it with this girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm friends with a girl who I have great chemistry with. We can sit and talk about nothing or very intimate things. We share a number of casual friends but by in large we function in different worlds. She's a social climber and is always meeting new people (mostly of the wealthy, Southern, quilted jacket set). I am fine with this except that when we're both around this set she'll pretty much ignores me or acts very superficial around me (treats me like a very casual acquaintance). She's also hard to pin down for social things---infrequently answers my calls, etc. However, then she'll pop back into the picture and we'll have a lovely time and will really connect. I know she counts me as one of her closer (if not closest) friends because she's said as much on numerous times. However, I very much feel like her mistress and not her wife. Good enough to to be real with but only on her timeline and when she's not chasing a myriad of other superficial friendships. And yes, I get it---"she's probably just not that into me". I get this but it's SO annoying that it's contrasted with her being really intimate and warm (as long as it's on her timeline).

So as much as I enjoy her company I've had it with the friendship. It's not a relationship that makes me feel good about myself. I have 4-5 other good local friendships that are just SO much easier. I talk to some of these weekly, some twice a week, some monthly. So I am totally comfortable with all kids of levels of correspondence in close friendships. It's just that this one friend makes me feel so much like a mistress. Frankly I get hurt and I don't need to feel like this. Some people might be totally fine with this. I'm not and I don't think it makes me a bad person. I mean, who wants to be ignored in public by a "good" friend?

My question is--do I let her know how I feel? I don't want to come off as needy or unhinged. I just want the friendship to drift away. However, I am hurt. I have a hard time just leaving without saying why. Do I just make start to makes excuses (being busy, etc) when she next decides to pop up and call? And what the heck drives this "have to know everyone and have 15 million superficial "kiss-kiss" friends? It seems SO common in NW DC. I usually side step this culture entirely but I unfortunately got myself mixed up in it with this girl.

Several of your statements above are contradictory, it doesn't sound to me like you particularly like this friend, I'm not sure exactly how your connection came to be.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're agonizing over this way too much. I wouldn't be surprised if your friend not only doesn't consider you to be a close friend - she may say it, but that doesn't make it true - but rarely gives much thought to your friendship. If it's convenient to meet her for a social event, then do so. Otherwise, forget about her.

You may want to give some thought as to why you're giving so much power over your feelings to someone who really doesn't seem to reciprocate. Other than that, focus on more important things in your life. You deserve consideration, caring and respect; start practicing that attitude toward yourself.

[Anonymous]

pp again, what do you expect her to do when you are in a group of people, form a cliche with you or mingle and interact with everyone on the same level?

[Anonymous]

Pull back from the friendship if you need to protect your feelings, but don't say anything to her. You will just come off as needy and jealous, and it won't change anything. Sounds a little bit like you have a crush on her, by the way -- do you?

[Anonymous]

No. You don't. You disengage, and stop saying "yes" to invites. You are polite in social situations but leave it at that. Immediately cease talking about anything important. It isn't her business why you don't like her.

If you do more you will come off as needy and unhinged and perhaps become fodder for gossip.

[Anonymous]

I agree with everyone here. Unfortunately, it sounds like your friend is a Queen Bee and you are one of her Wannabees. Even worse, it sounds like she is embarrassed to associate with you when amongst the well heeled quilted “yellow” jackets. She sounds shallow.

Even if you click privately, you deserve real friends who accept you as you are. Disengage, be socially polite and move on.

[Anonymous]

She sounds young. I bet she grows out of it with age.

I don't think you should stop being friends, but I think you should accept the friendship for what it is and build on the good friends you have. How she behaves is not great, but at the same time it is not the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

Get married and have kids, you seem to be too stuck on it all

[Anonymous]

I agree-don't tell her it will appear needy and annoying. If you enjoy her company who cares? Take breaks from her as needed (be busy) but when you get over feeling hurt hang with her again.

I am married with 2 kids and it's hard to pin me down for plans too, but it doesn't mean I don't like the person. I just means I am balancing a lot and have no idea if I can commit to something that day.

Over the years I've learned to enjoy my friends while just accepting none of us are perfect. I have friends who drop off the face of the earth then return and I understand life is hectic. I have friends who I can laugh with over coffee or a beer, but if the going gets rough, they aren't helpful. That's fine. I could go on and on. Life is too short to obsess about the negative. Enjoy the fact you are healthy and presumably young, you can lose both (health and youth) in what seems like the blink of an eye.

[Anonymous]

Are you the friend stealer?