Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It's an insensitive thing to say because as women we are all supposed to be empathetic to the fact that no matter what women do regarding work and motherhood someone is going to judge us and we're going to feel guilty.

But also I think people say this sometimes because they are just being honest and it's how they feel. Just like I think women who go back to work actually sometimes do it because they are bored out of their minds at home with babies and want to "use their brains." I also know women who have said that they went back to work because they believe their kids are better off being raised by nannies or caregivers who are "experts" as opposed to a sahm.

All of these things will be hurtful to hear to someone who made a different choice and they are also things people actually think and feel. Women are presented with this impossible choice (if they are fortunate to even have a choice at all which most are not) and there is no answer that will ever be right for everyone so we all do this dance with each other about our choices and we offend each other constantly because there's no way for us to all validate each other and ourselves at the same time unless we all make the same choice.

But we cannot all make the same choice because we are different people with different kids and different professions and different finances and different partners and different resources.

I just try to remember all that whenever I talk to other women about this stuff and when they say things that can be viewed as an insult to my choices. They aren't really talking about me. It's just about them. And that's fine.

But why do we need to be validating our own choices to other people? DH and I made the decisions right for our family (career choices, number of kids, where to live, what schools to send them to, etc.) based on our own personal life circumstances and priorities. I am under no illusion that our choices are the “best ever” or even “better” than what other families have chosen. But I am secure we’ve made decisions that make our family happy.

I can have a conversation with another parent who made different choices than me without needing to justify/explain things in a way that belittle their choices. For instance I have a friend who is a SAHM with a big law DH. When talking to her I 100% understand why it would be logistically a nightmare for her to try to be the primary parent for 3 kids and work since he is gone long hours. Whereas I work FT but my DH also has a super flexible remote job and can help with a lot of the morning routine, shuttling kids around, etc. We can both discuss our lives and the situational decisions we’ve made without making generalized conclusions that our choice is better than the other.

I feel sorry for those who lack the ability to understand their life choices are not necessarily the best choices for others and that we do not need validate ourselves at the expense of putting down others.

This is how most well adjusted people function. The rest don't see how classless they come off putting others down and getting snippy about the decisions of others. I do think there are also genuinely unaware people who are hyper focused on their own reasons (use my brain, raise my kids) that they say it out loud without meaning to imply insult or even that someone else isn't doing that. Honestly, most of us aren't so blatant but likely don't realize all the ways we've insulted others day to day. Still, some people do mean offense and it usually doesn't sting unless you are hearing a chorus of it. Funny enough, I've been hearing one resounding sentiment but from experience on this site, other women get the flip side advised to them by their family so I can understand their defensiveness.

You're almost there. When people talk about their own decisions, they are not putting others down. Others are interpreting other people's statements as if they are reflections upon themselves when other people are just talking about themselves. It is people's insecurity and self-absorption that causes people to be offended by other people's statements about their own situations. People are not classless when they talk about their own situation. People are insecure when they are offended when other people talk about their situation.

It isn't about you.

Huh? That is absolutely not true.

My kids go to private school. I can either state that as a fact, or I can say that we sent them to private school because we wouldn't have sent them to the public schools for which we are zoned. Do you really think both statements are the same? In one I am simply stating what we chose. In another I am not only stating what we chose but also denigrating those who made a different choice.

Saying you don't work because you don't want someone else to raise your kids is clearly saying that you think people who use nannies or daycares don't raise their children.

So the problem isn’t thinking it, it’s just saying it, right? Because the truth is you sent your kids to private for a reason, it’s not like you and your husband did rock paper scissors to decide.

So you won’t SAY that the public schools aren’t good enough for your kids and you feel they’d get a subpar education there (because of course it’s rude to say to the public school parents) but that doesn’t change the fact that you believe it to be true.

Long story short, either one is mature enough and secure enough to discuss things like private school and childcare honestly, or not. There is far too much thought policing and putting words in others’ mouths going on in this thread, though.

I sent my kids to private because it's what my family does and truthfully i never even thought about the public school.

My SIL on the other hand spent so much time researching neighborhoods for the perfect public school.

So really I could say, well you send your kids to that specific public school because you think you are too good for the school 3 miles east of you.

Oh, so you’re just rubbing my face in the fact that I have to work for a living and am barely making ends meet and my kids wear hand me downs? Meanwhile you’re so fabulously wealthy it didn’t even occur to you that public schools exist and you don’t have to pay for your child’s K-12 education? I’M OFFENDED.

(Seriously, though, this is how most of the women responding in this thread sound to me…)

So you did think most of the public schools were not good enough for your child.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:As a reason for why one spouse chose not to work or works from home/at a flexible part time job? Or is this an acceptable turn of phrase?

It's an absolutely valid statement. Many of my friends didn't want their children to be raised by strangers, some had the privilege to do it themselves or get family to support while others had to send them to daycare or leave them with nannies.

It might be shocking to the SAHP crew, but have you ever considered it’s actually developmentally superior for a few hours of the day for the child not to be attached to the parent at the hip?

SAH doesn't mean the kid is attached at the hip, just like going to child care doesn't mean neglect.

I agree, which is why I don't think SAHP spend that much 1-1 time with kids, definitely not more than working parents.

I'mthe pp you quoted. I've done both, and disagree. I definitely spent more time with ds as a SAHP. Just the every day stuff like having lunch together, even running errands. We were still together and interacting. Those things couldn't happen when I was working. Although there was my SIL. A SAHP who had little to do with her kids. At 3 & 4, they generally got up on their own. Dry cereal and a sippy cup of milk was breakfast while they watched TV and SIL slept. The whole day was them entertaining themselves.

Not really … your kids went to preschool right?

You weren't interacting 7 hours a day.

I’m not the pp but I absolutely interacted with my child 7 hours per day. I have 3 kids. My older two went to daycare/extended care when I worked. I stopped working when I had my third child. You spend more time with your child when you don’t work. I’m not sure what you are arguing. Not every hour is quality time but you spend more time. You are embarrassing yourself.

I spend 6 hours with my children and work so I'm not sure why you need to prove you spend more time with your kids to justify staying home. You stay home, own it, don't make up some crazy justification and my H spends just as much time so that is 12 hours of parental time with our kids.

How about your H how much time does he spend with the kids a day?

DH probably spends one hour per day and has zero guilt. He earns a seven figure income. I’m the pp who has 3 kids. Older 2 have sports 6x per week. DH usually picks up a kid or drives them to sports during evenings. He goes to all their games on the weekends.

That's a really sad life for your children I am so sorry for them. I'm super sorry he doesn't prioritize you or care to raise his children.

You don’t need to feel sorry for them. We get to live an amazing life. Yes, DH doesn’t spend tons of time with them Mon-Thurs but I do. He checks in on everyone and eats with us most nights.

DH gets home at 6-7 and picks up a kid on the way home.

Single parent by choice I support that... Disney dad and single mom... sound like an "amazing life"

and... he eats with you ... wow. lol such a high bar.

OMG the justifications just get crazier and crazier.

You do realize you are the one that sounds crazy. I do not think coming home at 6 is that crazy. He is a surgeon.

You are changing your story... you wrote "DH probably spends one hour per day and has zero guilt. "... now he is home at 6 every day.

Regroup, get a better story and come back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was a SAHM and strongly believes that kids should be home with their mom.

I'm a working mom and have never SAH.

We all hope that the end justifies the means, don't we?

I'm a SAHM and my sister works full time in a very busy job with commute, both of us feel need for a set up where SAHM need to spend few hours on things for their personal and professional enrichment and working moms need less work days and hours and short/no work commute ti spend more waking hours with babies and self. Neither set up is perfect, we need a better system benefiting all involved.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Children who spent a lot of time in daycare as babies and toddlers have more behavior problems in school than children who were cared for by a family member or a nanny. It's important for babies to form attachments to their caregivers, which doesn't happen in daycares because of all the other kids around and the staff turnover. I feel bad for people who can't afford to stay home or hire a nanny or have grandma babysit all day, but I keep it to myself.

Our K-1 grade teacher said the kids who never went to daycare or preschool were such a nightmare to adjust to going to school.

They are clingy and insecure and unable to get along with others.

This isn't true at all. Just one of those old wives tales that circulates regulalry. Kind of like everyone knowing twins named Orangello and Lemongello

DP, a current third grade teacher told me this personally. It used to be irrelevant when Kindergarten was more like pre-K, but now the differences are stark especially in more affluent areas where kids who were in school had a ton of enrichment.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It's an insensitive thing to say because as women we are all supposed to be empathetic to the fact that no matter what women do regarding work and motherhood someone is going to judge us and we're going to feel guilty.

But also I think people say this sometimes because they are just being honest and it's how they feel. Just like I think women who go back to work actually sometimes do it because they are bored out of their minds at home with babies and want to "use their brains." I also know women who have said that they went back to work because they believe their kids are better off being raised by nannies or caregivers who are "experts" as opposed to a sahm.

All of these things will be hurtful to hear to someone who made a different choice and they are also things people actually think and feel. Women are presented with this impossible choice (if they are fortunate to even have a choice at all which most are not) and there is no answer that will ever be right for everyone so we all do this dance with each other about our choices and we offend each other constantly because there's no way for us to all validate each other and ourselves at the same time unless we all make the same choice.

But we cannot all make the same choice because we are different people with different kids and different professions and different finances and different partners and different resources.

I just try to remember all that whenever I talk to other women about this stuff and when they say things that can be viewed as an insult to my choices. They aren't really talking about me. It's just about them. And that's fine.

But why do we need to be validating our own choices to other people? DH and I made the decisions right for our family (career choices, number of kids, where to live, what schools to send them to, etc.) based on our own personal life circumstances and priorities. I am under no illusion that our choices are the “best ever” or even “better” than what other families have chosen. But I am secure we’ve made decisions that make our family happy.

I can have a conversation with another parent who made different choices than me without needing to justify/explain things in a way that belittle their choices. For instance I have a friend who is a SAHM with a big law DH. When talking to her I 100% understand why it would be logistically a nightmare for her to try to be the primary parent for 3 kids and work since he is gone long hours. Whereas I work FT but my DH also has a super flexible remote job and can help with a lot of the morning routine, shuttling kids around, etc. We can both discuss our lives and the situational decisions we’ve made without making generalized conclusions that our choice is better than the other.

I feel sorry for those who lack the ability to understand their life choices are not necessarily the best choices for others and that we do not need validate ourselves at the expense of putting down others.

This is how most well adjusted people function. The rest don't see how classless they come off putting others down and getting snippy about the decisions of others. I do think there are also genuinely unaware people who are hyper focused on their own reasons (use my brain, raise my kids) that they say it out loud without meaning to imply insult or even that someone else isn't doing that. Honestly, most of us aren't so blatant but likely don't realize all the ways we've insulted others day to day. Still, some people do mean offense and it usually doesn't sting unless you are hearing a chorus of it. Funny enough, I've been hearing one resounding sentiment but from experience on this site, other women get the flip side advised to them by their family so I can understand their defensiveness.

You're almost there. When people talk about their own decisions, they are not putting others down. Others are interpreting other people's statements as if they are reflections upon themselves when other people are just talking about themselves. It is people's insecurity and self-absorption that causes people to be offended by other people's statements about their own situations. People are not classless when they talk about their own situation. People are insecure when they are offended when other people talk about their situation.

It isn't about you.

People’s choices are about them but sometimes the language encompasses other people’s behavior. Do you really not see the difference between “I wanted to spend time with my kids when they are little” and “ I didn’t want someone else raising my kids”?

By your logic doesn’t the bolded imply that the working parent doesn’t want to spend time with their kids when they’re little?

There is literally no way to have a conversation without offending people these days. I’d say most of you should stick to discussing the weather, but I’m sure it would take less than two minutes before someone makes it political and then everyone is taking it personally.

Your logic is wrong. I have made no statements about what other people do or don't want to do. Maybe that's the issue -- some people really cannot see the difference.

There is no difference. You’re just incorrect and too defensive/sensitive to admit it. Which tracks with you being offended about someone saying they want to raise their own kids (or don’t want someone else to raise their kids) in the first place.

I'm not defensive. You have poor logic. Under your logic, I can say absolutely nothing about what I like something and why I did something because it would suggest something about the other person?

[Anonymous]

Also fathers too deserve more opportunities to spend time with babies and self.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:As a reason for why one spouse chose not to work or works from home/at a flexible part time job? Or is this an acceptable turn of phrase?

It's an absolutely valid statement. Many of my friends didn't want their children to be raised by strangers, some had the privilege to do it themselves or get family to support while others had to send them to daycare or leave them with nannies.

It might be shocking to the SAHP crew, but have you ever considered it’s actually developmentally superior for a few hours of the day for the child not to be attached to the parent at the hip?

SAH doesn't mean the kid is attached at the hip, just like going to child care doesn't mean neglect.

I agree, which is why I don't think SAHP spend that much 1-1 time with kids, definitely not more than working parents.

I'mthe pp you quoted. I've done both, and disagree. I definitely spent more time with ds as a SAHP. Just the every day stuff like having lunch together, even running errands. We were still together and interacting. Those things couldn't happen when I was working. Although there was my SIL. A SAHP who had little to do with her kids. At 3 & 4, they generally got up on their own. Dry cereal and a sippy cup of milk was breakfast while they watched TV and SIL slept. The whole day was them entertaining themselves.

Not really … your kids went to preschool right?

You weren't interacting 7 hours a day.

I’m not the pp but I absolutely interacted with my child 7 hours per day. I have 3 kids. My older two went to daycare/extended care when I worked. I stopped working when I had my third child. You spend more time with your child when you don’t work. I’m not sure what you are arguing. Not every hour is quality time but you spend more time. You are embarrassing yourself.

I spend 6 hours with my children and work so I'm not sure why you need to prove you spend more time with your kids to justify staying home. You stay home, own it, don't make up some crazy justification and my H spends just as much time so that is 12 hours of parental time with our kids.

How about your H how much time does he spend with the kids a day?

DH probably spends one hour per day and has zero guilt. He earns a seven figure income. I’m the pp who has 3 kids. Older 2 have sports 6x per week. DH usually picks up a kid or drives them to sports during evenings. He goes to all their games on the weekends.

That's a really sad life for your children I am so sorry for them. I'm super sorry he doesn't prioritize you or care to raise his children.

You don’t need to feel sorry for them. We get to live an amazing life. Yes, DH doesn’t spend tons of time with them Mon-Thurs but I do. He checks in on everyone and eats with us most nights.

DH gets home at 6-7 and picks up a kid on the way home.

What happened to the he spends 1 hour per day? I guess it wasn't a great story anymore?

[Anonymous]

Its just a shame babies are sent to daycare like chicks in poultry farms. Kids under 10 don't need whole day of structured activities.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Children who spent a lot of time in daycare as babies and toddlers have more behavior problems in school than children who were cared for by a family member or a nanny. It's important for babies to form attachments to their caregivers, which doesn't happen in daycares because of all the other kids around and the staff turnover. I feel bad for people who can't afford to stay home or hire a nanny or have grandma babysit all day, but I keep it to myself.

Our K-1 grade teacher said the kids who never went to daycare or preschool were such a nightmare to adjust to going to school.

They are clingy and insecure and unable to get along with others.

As a former K teacher I suspect this conversation never actually happened.

Yes it happened a lot. Here we go the kid who has to sit on my lap for the 1st month of school and one who has to sit on the floor next to me and the one who has to be picked up early a few times a month.

I suspect you are a K teacher to kids who went to preschool.

I was in a K class where none of hte kids had ever been to preschool or daycare - it was very rural and there were no preschools and daycares in the region and not a sigle child had difficulty adjusting to school. Their parents had still prepared them despite them not attending a preschool or daycare program. Making up nonsense doesn't really help your point of view.

Might there be occasionally a child who has a hard time adjusting - sure. But that is the exception. And if my kid is going to have a hard time adjusting, I would rather that happen when they are older and can talk about it and not then when they are non verbal and just feel fear and confusion and whatever emotion but can't express it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children who spent a lot of time in daycare as babies and toddlers have more behavior problems in school than children who were cared for by a family member or a nanny. It's important for babies to form attachments to their caregivers, which doesn't happen in daycares because of all the other kids around and the staff turnover. I feel bad for people who can't afford to stay home or hire a nanny or have grandma babysit all day, but I keep it to myself.

Our K-1 grade teacher said the kids who never went to daycare or preschool were such a nightmare to adjust to going to school.

They are clingy and insecure and unable to get along with others.

This isn't true at all. Just one of those old wives tales that circulates regulalry. Kind of like everyone knowing twins named Orangello and Lemongello

DP, a current third grade teacher told me this personally. It used to be irrelevant when Kindergarten was more like pre-K, but now the differences are stark especially in more affluent areas where kids who were in school had a ton of enrichment.

Not true. Kids with SAHMs aren't sitting in dark basements with no enrichment or social interaction. It isn't you go to school and have enrichment and social interaction or you are at home with a caregiver / parent and have no enrichment / social activity. That is the reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children who spent a lot of time in daycare as babies and toddlers have more behavior problems in school than children who were cared for by a family member or a nanny. It's important for babies to form attachments to their caregivers, which doesn't happen in daycares because of all the other kids around and the staff turnover. I feel bad for people who can't afford to stay home or hire a nanny or have grandma babysit all day, but I keep it to myself.

Our K-1 grade teacher said the kids who never went to daycare or preschool were such a nightmare to adjust to going to school.

They are clingy and insecure and unable to get along with others.

This isn't true at all. Just one of those old wives tales that circulates regulalry. Kind of like everyone knowing twins named Orangello and Lemongello

DP, a current third grade teacher told me this personally. It used to be irrelevant when Kindergarten was more like pre-K, but now the differences are stark especially in more affluent areas where kids who were in school had a ton of enrichment.

Not true. Kids with SAHMs aren't sitting in dark basements with no enrichment or social interaction. It isn't you go to school and have enrichment and social interaction or you are at home with a caregiver / parent and have no enrichment / social activity. That is the reality.

I have no particular dog in this fight but most SAHPs don’t have the resources the elite pre-ks do for enrichment. If you hire a mandarin speaker for immersion and your kids ride your horses and swim at your Olympic aquatic facility then this comment doesn’t apply to you.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a reason for why one spouse chose not to work or works from home/at a flexible part time job? Or is this an acceptable turn of phrase?

It's an absolutely valid statement. Many of my friends didn't want their children to be raised by strangers, some had the privilege to do it themselves or get family to support while others had to send them to daycare or leave them with nannies.

It might be shocking to the SAHP crew, but have you ever considered it’s actually developmentally superior for a few hours of the day for the child not to be attached to the parent at the hip?

SAH doesn't mean the kid is attached at the hip, just like going to child care doesn't mean neglect.

I agree, which is why I don't think SAHP spend that much 1-1 time with kids, definitely not more than working parents.

I'mthe pp you quoted. I've done both, and disagree. I definitely spent more time with ds as a SAHP. Just the every day stuff like having lunch together, even running errands. We were still together and interacting. Those things couldn't happen when I was working. Although there was my SIL. A SAHP who had little to do with her kids. At 3 & 4, they generally got up on their own. Dry cereal and a sippy cup of milk was breakfast while they watched TV and SIL slept. The whole day was them entertaining themselves.

Not really … your kids went to preschool right?

You weren't interacting 7 hours a day.

I’m not the pp but I absolutely interacted with my child 7 hours per day. I have 3 kids. My older two went to daycare/extended care when I worked. I stopped working when I had my third child. You spend more time with your child when you don’t work. I’m not sure what you are arguing. Not every hour is quality time but you spend more time. You are embarrassing yourself.

I spend 6 hours with my children and work so I'm not sure why you need to prove you spend more time with your kids to justify staying home. You stay home, own it, don't make up some crazy justification and my H spends just as much time so that is 12 hours of parental time with our kids.

How about your H how much time does he spend with the kids a day?

DH probably spends one hour per day and has zero guilt. He earns a seven figure income. I’m the pp who has 3 kids. Older 2 have sports 6x per week. DH usually picks up a kid or drives them to sports during evenings. He goes to all their games on the weekends.

That's a really sad life for your children I am so sorry for them. I'm super sorry he doesn't prioritize you or care to raise his children.

You don’t need to feel sorry for them. We get to live an amazing life. Yes, DH doesn’t spend tons of time with them Mon-Thurs but I do. He checks in on everyone and eats with us most nights.

DH gets home at 6-7 and picks up a kid on the way home.

Single parent by choice I support that... Disney dad and single mom... sound like an "amazing life"

and... he eats with you ... wow. lol such a high bar.

OMG the justifications just get crazier and crazier.

You do realize you are the one that sounds crazy. I do not think coming home at 6 is that crazy. He is a surgeon.

You are changing your story... you wrote "DH probably spends one hour per day and has zero guilt. "... now he is home at 6 every day.

Regroup, get a better story and come back.

That is a true statement. He spends about one hour with them per night. I don’t consider his showering and sleeping spending time with the kids.

I’m not sure what your problem is. I’m a SAHM and my husband works a demanding job. I’m the default parent and do the bulk of the kid related functions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a reason for why one spouse chose not to work or works from home/at a flexible part time job? Or is this an acceptable turn of phrase?

It's an absolutely valid statement. Many of my friends didn't want their children to be raised by strangers, some had the privilege to do it themselves or get family to support while others had to send them to daycare or leave them with nannies.

It might be shocking to the SAHP crew, but have you ever considered it’s actually developmentally superior for a few hours of the day for the child not to be attached to the parent at the hip?

SAH doesn't mean the kid is attached at the hip, just like going to child care doesn't mean neglect.

I agree, which is why I don't think SAHP spend that much 1-1 time with kids, definitely not more than working parents.

I'mthe pp you quoted. I've done both, and disagree. I definitely spent more time with ds as a SAHP. Just the every day stuff like having lunch together, even running errands. We were still together and interacting. Those things couldn't happen when I was working. Although there was my SIL. A SAHP who had little to do with her kids. At 3 & 4, they generally got up on their own. Dry cereal and a sippy cup of milk was breakfast while they watched TV and SIL slept. The whole day was them entertaining themselves.

Not really … your kids went to preschool right?

You weren't interacting 7 hours a day.

I’m not the pp but I absolutely interacted with my child 7 hours per day. I have 3 kids. My older two went to daycare/extended care when I worked. I stopped working when I had my third child. You spend more time with your child when you don’t work. I’m not sure what you are arguing. Not every hour is quality time but you spend more time. You are embarrassing yourself.

I spend 6 hours with my children and work so I'm not sure why you need to prove you spend more time with your kids to justify staying home. You stay home, own it, don't make up some crazy justification and my H spends just as much time so that is 12 hours of parental time with our kids.

How about your H how much time does he spend with the kids a day?

DH probably spends one hour per day and has zero guilt. He earns a seven figure income. I’m the pp who has 3 kids. Older 2 have sports 6x per week. DH usually picks up a kid or drives them to sports during evenings. He goes to all their games on the weekends.

That's a really sad life for your children I am so sorry for them. I'm super sorry he doesn't prioritize you or care to raise his children.

You don’t need to feel sorry for them. We get to live an amazing life. Yes, DH doesn’t spend tons of time with them Mon-Thurs but I do. He checks in on everyone and eats with us most nights.

DH gets home at 6-7 and picks up a kid on the way home.

Single parent by choice I support that... Disney dad and single mom... sound like an "amazing life"

and... he eats with you ... wow. lol such a high bar.

OMG the justifications just get crazier and crazier.

You do realize you are the one that sounds crazy. I do not think coming home at 6 is that crazy. He is a surgeon.

You are changing your story... you wrote "DH probably spends one hour per day and has zero guilt. "... now he is home at 6 every day.

Regroup, get a better story and come back.

That is a true statement. He spends about one hour with them per night. I don’t consider his showering and sleeping spending time with the kids.

I’m not sure what your problem is. I’m a SAHM and my husband works a demanding job. I’m the default parent and do the bulk of the kid related functions.

So is it 1 hr a day or a ton of time… you said both.

Or do you think 1 hour a day is a ton of time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children who spent a lot of time in daycare as babies and toddlers have more behavior problems in school than children who were cared for by a family member or a nanny. It's important for babies to form attachments to their caregivers, which doesn't happen in daycares because of all the other kids around and the staff turnover. I feel bad for people who can't afford to stay home or hire a nanny or have grandma babysit all day, but I keep it to myself.

Our K-1 grade teacher said the kids who never went to daycare or preschool were such a nightmare to adjust to going to school.

They are clingy and insecure and unable to get along with others.

This isn't true at all. Just one of those old wives tales that circulates regulalry. Kind of like everyone knowing twins named Orangello and Lemongello

DP, a current third grade teacher told me this personally. It used to be irrelevant when Kindergarten was more like pre-K, but now the differences are stark especially in more affluent areas where kids who were in school had a ton of enrichment.

Not true. Kids with SAHMs aren't sitting in dark basements with no enrichment or social interaction. It isn't you go to school and have enrichment and social interaction or you are at home with a caregiver / parent and have no enrichment / social activity. That is the reality.

I have no particular dog in this fight but most SAHPs don’t have the resources the elite pre-ks do for enrichment. If you hire a mandarin speaker for immersion and your kids ride your horses and swim at your Olympic aquatic facility then this comment doesn’t apply to you.

I wouldn't want any of that for my preschool kids nor do they need that to adapt to K.

[Anonymous]

If anyone ever said that to me, I would probably say that I’ve sacrificed many parts of my career to be the parent I want, but I want to maintain a professional career to ensure I can support my family’s financial future. That is the truth, I’m not killing it per say in either category. I’m striking a careful balance between downgrading at work so I can be present for my kids on a daily basis, while also utilizing quality childcare as needed so I can help provide for them today and in the future.