Wife is not a good sham

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re fixated on the cooking vs. ordering food but what if she’s just kind of a bad cook? Not saying you can’t get better, it’s a learned skill like anything else. It’s just hard to learn when you have a baby and a toddler around a lot of the time. And from her perspective she’s probably fine with takeout and what not. There are a lot of good meal shortcuts around today if you’re willing to throw $$ at the problem. But she may not even be aware of all of them.

OP here. She’s a good cook. She cooked throughout our marriage before kids and with our first. She taught herself to cook and took lessons because she wanted to learn how to be a good cook. She used to cook from scratch and make most meals at home until we had our second.

Okay so is this really what it's all about? She used to cook for you, and now she doesn't? If she went back to work full time, who would you want to cook? 50/50? Just do that for now.

OP shouldn’t have to cook when his wife is home and barely does anything with almost FT help. If roles were reversed, everyone would be calling OP lazy and saying he’s not pulling his weight.

I don’t think so. My husband stayed at home when our kids were 1, 3, and 4. We had a babysitter about 15 hours a week, housekeeper 20 hours/wk who cooked and did laundry, and weekly cleaners.
I like my job, so I wasn’t resentful about doing it. I was mostly just really happy that my kids were happy and well cared for and that he enrolled them in classes, set up play dates with friends, and helped out at preschool.
I don’t remember ever thinking that he should be doing more dishes.

[Anonymous]

I’m a sahm with a 9 and 11 year old. What I can tell you of this life over the past decade is that each phase brings something new and the role is always evolving. In the baby and toddler years, it was straight up survival for me, and my husband did more to support my mental and physical breaks bc the child-rearing was relentless. He did more dishes, cooked more, did more laundry. Yes, the house was a bit of a wreck, but we both knew it was a moment in time. On the days, weeks, months, years.. when I could do more, I did. So much more. It wasn’t some grand plan or the result of his demanding more of me, it just happened organically, bc childcare needs lessened and it was easier to do so. I wanted to do more. My DH never shamed me, never analyzed my daily schedule and tallied up my household contributions, and he certainly never demanded I deliver more simply bc he felt I should. 

Our contributions to the daily running of the household has ebbed and flowed with the tide of the kids’ needs, our own personal needs, and DH's work and travel responsibilities. Now we’ve added eldercare responsibilities to our plate and are navigating a similar dance from our earlier child-rearing years. At the core of all of this is that DH trusts I’m doing the best I can at each phase and I extend the same respect and understanding to him. We each pick up where the other leaves off sometimes doing more and other times less. This is what partnership, love and respect looks like in our family. 

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re fixated on the cooking vs. ordering food but what if she’s just kind of a bad cook? Not saying you can’t get better, it’s a learned skill like anything else. It’s just hard to learn when you have a baby and a toddler around a lot of the time. And from her perspective she’s probably fine with takeout and what not. There are a lot of good meal shortcuts around today if you’re willing to throw $$ at the problem. But she may not even be aware of all of them.

OP here. She’s a good cook. She cooked throughout our marriage before kids and with our first. She taught herself to cook and took lessons because she wanted to learn how to be a good cook. She used to cook from scratch and make most meals at home until we had our second.

omfg. how can you be so freakin oblivious. you realize the baby, which she stopped nursing weeks ago, is the reason she is not cooking from scratch now? do you honestly not understand that *it is the baby*?

[Anonymous]

She’s probably nursing which affects everyone differently but can certainly do a number on your energy and motivation. Furthermore, I’m a bit skeptical of your blase denial that there could possibly be ppd or ppa. I’ve known people who legit didn’t realized they’d had it till later, including an actual expert in ppd! Slow your roll and count your blessings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re fixated on the cooking vs. ordering food but what if she’s just kind of a bad cook? Not saying you can’t get better, it’s a learned skill like anything else. It’s just hard to learn when you have a baby and a toddler around a lot of the time. And from her perspective she’s probably fine with takeout and what not. There are a lot of good meal shortcuts around today if you’re willing to throw $$ at the problem. But she may not even be aware of all of them.

OP here. She’s a good cook. She cooked throughout our marriage before kids and with our first. She taught herself to cook and took lessons because she wanted to learn how to be a good cook. She used to cook from scratch and make most meals at home until we had our second.

omfg. how can you be so freakin oblivious. you realize the baby, which she stopped nursing weeks ago, is the reason she is not cooking from scratch now? do you honestly not understand that *it is the baby*?

+1 Amen to this

[Anonymous]

Let her do what she wants while you do what you want. Reevaluate in a few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were in your position I’d be pretty annoyed too, OP. If she has a nanny and daycare, she should be able to keep on top of the house easily. Women who work with kids do this just fine. Maybe suggest she go back to a part time job?

Often when women work the kids are out of the house all day, thus, it is orderly when they get home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s probably nursing which affects everyone differently but can certainly do a number on your energy and motivation. Furthermore, I’m a bit skeptical of your blase denial that there could possibly be ppd or ppa. I’ve known people who legit didn’t realized they’d had it till later, including an actual expert in ppd! Slow your roll and count your blessings.

OP said she’s no longer nursing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a sahm with a 9 and 11 year old. What I can tell you of this life over the past decade is that each phase brings something new and the role is always evolving. In the baby and toddler years, it was straight up survival for me, and my husband did more to support my mental and physical breaks bc the child-rearing was relentless. He did more dishes, cooked more, did more laundry. Yes, the house was a bit of a wreck, but we both knew it was a moment in time. On the days, weeks, months, years.. when I could do more, I did. So much more. It wasn’t some grand plan or the result of his demanding more of me, it just happened organically, bc childcare needs lessened and it was easier to do so. I wanted to do more. My DH never shamed me, never analyzed my daily schedule and tallied up my household contributions, and he certainly never demanded I deliver more simply bc he felt I should. 

Our contributions to the daily running of the household has ebbed and flowed with the tide of the kids’ needs, our own personal needs, and DH's work and travel responsibilities. Now we’ve added eldercare responsibilities to our plate and are navigating a similar dance from our earlier child-rearing years. At the core of all of this is that DH trusts I’m doing the best I can at each phase and I extend the same respect and understanding to him. We each pick up where the other leaves off sometimes doing more and other times less. This is what partnership, love and respect looks like in our family. 

This is said so well.

[Anonymous]

What exactly would you like her to do more of? Cook dinner? Do laundry? I would just talk to her and ask her if she can take on those tasks bc you are feeling stretched. If you are presenting like everything is fine, then there is no reason she is going to rock the boat. My feeling is she is either depressed and needs more structure, and/or she is capable of doing more but feels like everything is already being taken care of and things are fine the way they are. I also think 6 months is too early to have too many expectations postpartum… it takes a while to recover from childbirth and transitioning from 1 to 2 children… and hormones can make anyone crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds trollish

SAHM with a PT nanny? Referring to the cleaners as a housekeeper? DH doing the laundry and all the cooking.

Who calls them cleaners? Housekeeper is a legit and professional way to sum it up. It’s much better than calling someone a maid. It’s a little odd that you’ve never heard that term.

Many SAHMs have help.

Many men do laundry and cook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re fixated on the cooking vs. ordering food but what if she’s just kind of a bad cook? Not saying you can’t get better, it’s a learned skill like anything else. It’s just hard to learn when you have a baby and a toddler around a lot of the time. And from her perspective she’s probably fine with takeout and what not. There are a lot of good meal shortcuts around today if you’re willing to throw $$ at the problem. But she may not even be aware of all of them.

OP here. She’s a good cook. She cooked throughout our marriage before kids and with our first. She taught herself to cook and took lessons because she wanted to learn how to be a good cook. She used to cook from scratch and make most meals at home until we had our second.

omfg. how can you be so freakin oblivious. you realize the baby, which she stopped nursing weeks ago, is the reason she is not cooking from scratch now? do you honestly not understand that *it is the baby*?

You don’t understand math. Baby stopped nursing at 4 months and is now 6 months old. That’s more than “ weeks ago”. That’s 2 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s probably nursing which affects everyone differently but can certainly do a number on your energy and motivation. Furthermore, I’m a bit skeptical of your blase denial that there could possibly be ppd or ppa. I’ve known people who legit didn’t realized they’d had it till later, including an actual expert in ppd! Slow your roll and count your blessings.

OP said she stopped breastfeeding 2 months ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But is she a good pillowcase

lol

[Anonymous]

Dude. She’s tired, physically and emotionally. Babies are a drain. And just being honest she is probably a bit hormonal. And maybe depressed. I was a mess for a REALLY long time -like 6-9 mos. after my baby. I found it hard to do most things in a daily basis other than keep her and me alive and clean and fed.