I am an adult adoptee and an adoptive parent- ask me anything

[Anonymous]

My twin sister and I were adopted and I in turn adopted my first child. Ask me anything.

[Anonymous]

Were you adopted transracially? Did you adopt transracially? Do you think adoptive parents today are learning from the experience of earlier generations or repeating some of their mistakes?

[Anonymous]

I hear a lot of stories of adult adoptees that are not well-adjusted because of being adopted - they feel abandonded, unloved (or loved less) and angry.

Do you (or did you ever) feel this way?

If not, what did your parents do that made you well-adjusted as an adopted child?

If you did, what did your parents do that made you feel "different" or upset about being adopted?


How did you learn about being adopted? Would you have wanted to find out a different way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Were you adopted transracially? Did you adopt transracially? Do you think adoptive parents today are learning from the experience of earlier generations or repeating some of their mistakes?

OP here. Yes, I was adopted transracially and internationally. My own daughter's adoption is half-transracial, as she was adopted from the same country I came from, so she and I are the same race and ethnicity. My husband is Causcian though, hence the half-transracial.

It seems a lot of parents are learning from previous mistakes- thinking that love is enough and not being as culturally sensitive. On the other hand, some parents, in my opinion, can go overboard and make adoption the Big Thing hanging over their child, as if being adopted is the most interesting thing about a kid.

[Anonymous]

Did you adopt bc you are an adoptee or bc you cant/do want to have children. Were you raised with your twin sister?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear a lot of stories of adult adoptees that are not well-adjusted because of being adopted - they feel abandonded, unloved (or loved less) and angry.

Do you (or did you ever) feel this way?

If not, what did your parents do that made you well-adjusted as an adopted child?

If you did, what did your parents do that made you feel "different" or upset about being adopted?


How did you learn about being adopted? Would you have wanted to find out a different way?

No, I felt loved and very wanted. My parents weren't told some of our background so we didn't know why we were placed until I returned to my birth country to adopt my daughter and was able to view my files. My mom would always tell us that we must've been very loved for our birth mom to have done the hardest thing ever. I felt special for being loved that much, by both my birth parents and my adoptive parents.

I don't remember the moment I was told I was adopted...my parents always discussed it and much before their time, they had made us what are now known as adoption books, with pictures and stories about our adoption and arrival. My sister and I are a different race from our parents, so even if they had never told us, the secret would've come out sometime.

My parents didn't have any other children, so we were never in competition with biological children.

[Anonymous]

OP, DH and I are thinking of adopting internationally but are daunted by the wait times. It seems like by the time the child is able to come home with you, they are in school! Do you know anything about this?
Aslo can you recommend some good adoption agencies for international?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you adopt bc you are an adoptee or bc you cant/do want to have children. Were you raised with your twin sister?

I adopted because for all the issues with adoption, I'm a strong supporter of adoption. I have a child through birth, so I am able to have kids.

Yes, I was raised with my twin. My parents were so not expecting twins at all, and my mom says that when the adoption agency called and asked if they would take twins, my dad nearly passed out and all he could say for the longest time was "Two of everything!" with a glazed look on his face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, DH and I are thinking of adopting internationally but are daunted by the wait times. It seems like by the time the child is able to come home with you, they are in school! Do you know anything about this?
Aslo can you recommend some good adoption agencies for international?

OP here. I only know about Korean adoptions, but I can answer as if you were adopting from there. Unfortunately, the wait time for adoptions has just increased I just heard that in an effort to encourage Koreans to adopt, the Korean govt is now mandating that children there be "held" for 12 months so that its citizens can have first shot at the kids ( I know that was put indelicately). It used to be 4 or 6 months. Now it seems that the earliest a child could come home is 18 months old, after you factor in time for emigration processing, etc.

We used the Barker Foundation here in town for the homestudy and post-placement, and Dillon International in Tulsa for the referral b/c it was the agency my sister and I were adopted through. Check the different countries' policies for adoption eligibility. You don't have to work with an agency in DC, but you probably will need one locally to do the homestudy and post-placement stuff.

[Anonymous]

My SIL adopted and is planning to tell her child at some point (she's 2.5 now). My daughter is a year older and is getting very interested in family relationships (dad is not just dad but also Grandpa's son, etc), pregnancy and where babies come from, and her own birth story. So far if she asks about her cousin's birth or my SIL's pregnancy, I just parry the question and change the subject to something slightly different. But, down the road, if my SIL hasn't yet told her daughter about being adopted, am I obligated to lie to my daughter, since my niece shouldn't hear about it first from her cousin instead of her parents? I really try not to lie to my daughter, but here I'm thinking the bigger picture trumps that? Any suggestions about this? Any suggestions for how to be supportive of my SIL, who says she's going to tell her daughter but who strikes me and my husband as reluctant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL adopted and is planning to tell her child at some point (she's 2.5 now). My daughter is a year older and is getting very interested in family relationships (dad is not just dad but also Grandpa's son, etc), pregnancy and where babies come from, and her own birth story. So far if she asks about her cousin's birth or my SIL's pregnancy, I just parry the question and change the subject to something slightly different. But, down the road, if my SIL hasn't yet told her daughter about being adopted, am I obligated to lie to my daughter, since my niece shouldn't hear about it first from her cousin instead of her parents? I really try not to lie to my daughter, but here I'm thinking the bigger picture trumps that? Any suggestions about this? Any suggestions for how to be supportive of my SIL, who says she's going to tell her daughter but who strikes me and my husband as reluctant?

OP here. Ooh...that's a tough one! Really, it would've been best (imo) that your SIL would've been talking to her daughter all along about being adopted, but since that clearly hasn't happened...I'm not sure how you should handle it! I guess my first thought would be to ask your SIL what she would like you to tell your daughter and see where that goes. But I do agree, your neice shouldn't hear it first from your daughter, even though I respect that you don't want to lie to your kid (and I agree).

No good answers from me...sorry.

[Anonymous]

adult adoptee here so my questions aren't totally random, not trying to rude or insensitive (I am Caucasian as were my parents)

did you ever meet your bm?

do you have any desire?

are your parents financially well off?

Did you ever wonder what your bm or bf looked like or what qualities you share with them?

You have a different situation since it's international but what is your opinion of close vs open adoption?


I am very well adjusted, never, felt unloved (just the opposite)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:adult adoptee here so my questions aren't totally random, not trying to rude or insensitive (I am Caucasian as were my parents)

did you ever meet your bm? No, I have never met her. My bparents were married and had three sons already.

do you have any desire? For a long time growing up, we never thought we *could* meet her as we thought there was no info to go off of. Once we realized there was, I did start a search for my bfamily, but the trail is kind of cold. We know our bdad died many years ago. We don't know where our bmom is, or two brothers. If I could meet them, I would love to, but I understand if they wouldn't want to. It doesn't consume me in any way- if it happens, great, if not, it's ok.

are your parents financially well off? My parents were not financially well-off when they adopted us, but they are comfortable now.

Did you ever wonder what your bm or bf looked like or what qualities you share with them? You know, I sometimes wonder what they look like, but then I realized that all I have to do is look in the mirror and then at my sister and I have a pretty good idea! I think my situation is unique in that I was adopted with a bio sibling, so I've never had to go through life wishing I was genetically related to someone...I always had at least one person in my life.

You have a different situation since it's international but what is your opinion of close vs open adoption? Well, I do know some Korean adoptive families who have as close an open adoption as you can get in, so it IS possible! I know that the research says that open is the way to go and that it's more beneficial to the child (who of course is the one person you're supposed to be put above all else). However, I'm involved in some adoption groups that are mostly domestic open adoptions, and boy, are there some complicated feelings all around. I guess an open adoption is wonderful when everyone in the adoption triad is at peace with their situations and that there is no immediate "danger" to a relationship btwn the child and the bparents, but life isn't always clean like that, and there are some tricky circumstances.


I am very well adjusted, never, felt unloved (just the opposite)

Hi to a fellow adoptee! I've answered your questions above. Would be interested to hear your own take on things.

[Anonymous]

Did you have any difficulty bonding with your adopted DC? I have had some problems bonding with my DD. She's mine biologically, but I am an adult adoptee who had (undiagnosed) RAD issues as a child. TIA

[Anonymous]

17:40 poster here again, thanks for your candid responses.

I guess I don't mean the closed adoption the way it is today, more like in the 80s and before when lies were told, records were burned and that sort of thing.

I also agree you had a very unique experience being adopted with a twin. I think most people wonder about how bf looks, I know my friends and I all do.