How does the divorce work when a spouse is not cooperative

[Anonymous]

My DH of course wants to work things out, but is not trying - and I am done. I think he mostly wants to stay for financial reasons, as I make a decent salary. Young kids are involved, but he does not take any responsibility for them. It is all on me, and it is very tiresome after working full days. I am ready to throw in the towel, but want EVERYTHING split 50/50. We have a lot of assets. I know he is going to fight to keep the house (which I believe it not fair since I put just as much money into it). What do I do? I know people say to stay in the house until separation agreement is signed. He is going to flip at me when he gets letter from Attorney. He is somewhat greedy. Should I be concerned with him moving/hiding our money?

[Anonymous]

You should really consult a lawyer. If he fights you on the divorce, you could rack up huge legal fees. If the assets are mostly yours, guess who pays them. No one wins but the lawyers. Can you offer him a lump sum and no alimony?

[Anonymous]

You really should consult several attorneys. I liked Jonathan Dana, though he is a bit pricy.

[Anonymous]

Which state are you in? VA is usually 50/50 on assets obtained during the marriage. Get to a lawyer ASAP. Some can even give you a consultation for free. But even if you need to pay, it's well worth knowing where you stand.

Did you officially separate? Are your accounts joint? If they are joint, open up an individual account and transfer half from the joint right away. Make copies of your accounts and any financial documents now and store them in a safe place. You'll at least have a financial view of where things stand today.

As the PP mentioned, divorces can be pricey when one doesn't agree. You'll really have to think about what you really want to fight for versus what you can live with. Me and my X agreed on most things and it still cost $5500 to divorce. I was the bread winner too and got the shorter end of the stick ( and we divorced because he was cheating and left to be with OW). He left when my kid's were 7 mths and 2.5 yrs. So believe me, I wanted him to pay big time. But the courts don't care about adultery and I didn't want to spend $$ on things that may not go my way in the long wrong.

Best of luck. It is stressful and emotional. You'll need to think of it as a business transaction and you cam end up doing things based on emotions.

[Anonymous]

Ugh oh. I smell major problems for you, because a non-cooperative STBX can be the one who really tries to stick it to you.

If I were you, I'd think about this problem very strategically. How much money (liquid money) does he have for attorney fees? Can you do anything now before you drop any ultimatums that would limit the amount of liquid money he has available? For instance, one PP suggesting withdrawing your 50% from all joint accounts and setting up an individual account for your paycheck. Yes, I would do that. If you can free up cash on your side of the equation, I would do that too (stop retirement withholdings until you are done paying your attorney, for instance, and reduce subscriptions and bills on your side of the equation). You say he's "somewhat greedy." Think about the things you think he's going to "grab" and think about what can be done now to restrict these are problems (can you move your jewlery to a safe deposit box?).

I would also think along the lines of using a couples counselor and mutual friends to help him see that things are over. The more you can get a light to go off for him, the more likely you are to avoid him really sinking into that petty vindictive state that is very taxing.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Don't do anything until you consult an attorney.

Why would he get more than 50-50 of the assets?

[Anonymous]

(which I believe it not fair since I put just as much money into it)

I doesn't make any difference who put most of money in a joint asset. This was the arrangement in good times. You don't get to change the arrangement in bad times. If you don't act like a jackass perhaps your stbx won't act like a jackass. You talk about him being greedy. Well, hello pot, meet kettle.

[Anonymous]

First of all, if OP's STBX wants the house, and they've paid for it equally, he's going to have to buy her out of the house or they'll just have to sell it.

Secondly, if OP never had an agreement with STBX that she would be the primary earner, and he has chosen to be underemployed, then she has a good argument that she should get more than 50% of the assets - it is not automatically 50/50.

Third, OP, I don't know where you got the idea that you will present STBX with a letter from your attorney telling him about the divorce, but I think you need to rethink that approach - this is not the time to piss him off or cease communicating in a civil manner.

[Anonymous]

10:37 It's pretty much automatically 50/50 without a written agreement, a post-nup or pre-nup, because having one parent with fewer work commitments benefits the family. Unless you've got a nanny and help and he's off playing golf. But still, the point holds. OP seems open to 50-50, she doesn't want him getting more than half.

I agree with 10:37 here. OP do not hit your husband with a letter from a lawyer. That is colder than cold and very provocative. You've got young children, you are going to be co-parenting for years. Also, perhaps he still loves you. You can't know what's in another person's heart, even your husband's. Anyway, if he's been dismissing your declarations, have a talk and then send the letter a few days letter. At least give him fair warning.

And be careful not to drop a fortune on legal fees. Lawyers love folks like you with disposable incomes. Ideally, when the dust has settled make a list of your disputes and negotiate as much as possible with your husband. $425 an hour goes fast.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, you realize that you still keep the kids right even after a divorce? Can you explain how everything being on you wouldn't be the case after a divorce?

[Anonymous]

your attitude MONEY MONEY MONEY ME ME ME, have mercy on your poor husband

[Anonymous]

^^^jackass! Can't you read? She works harder than he does and also takes care of the kids. Her dh is milking her. She has a right to protect herself from jerks like you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh oh. I smell major problems for you, because a non-cooperative STBX can be the one who really tries to stick it to you.

If I were you, I'd think about this problem very strategically. How much money (liquid money) does he have for attorney fees? Can you do anything now before you drop any ultimatums that would limit the amount of liquid money he has available? For instance, one PP suggesting withdrawing your 50% from all joint accounts and setting up an individual account for your paycheck. Yes, I would do that. If you can free up cash on your side of the equation, I would do that too (stop retirement withholdings until you are done paying your attorney, for instance, and reduce subscriptions and bills on your side of the equation). You say he's "somewhat greedy." Think about the things you think he's going to "grab" and think about what can be done now to restrict these are problems (can you move your jewlery to a safe deposit box?).

I would also think along the lines of using a couples counselor and mutual friends to help him see that things are over. The more you can get a light to go off for him, the more likely you are to avoid him really sinking into that petty vindictive state that is very taxing.

New poster. I'm going through a similar situation, and I completely agree with this advice.

And I believe that you need to get a GOOD, aggressive attorney. One of the biggest mistakes women make is not wanting to spend money on an attorney. Just think, you can spend an extra $5k on an attorney, and that attorney can save you tens of thousands of dollars in the next ten years. If you have a greedy husband that you don't trust, you need to protect yourself asap with a good L.

GOOD LUCK.

[Anonymous]

23:10 Uh many women do not HAVE the money.

What is a shame is that lawyers are not financial planners. Every divorcing women should have a financial planner in the picture. These lawyers are clueless on a number of financial matters, including what remarriage does to college financial aid and all sorts of things.