Aging Parents/Losing Parents - Anyone else having trouble coping?

[Anonymous]

Let me start off by saying that I lost my mother at age 14, and so I think I have more than the average vulnerabilities about death and loss. That said, I wondering how many of you are having trouble coping with the aging and death of elderly parents? In the past few years it's been an issue for my husband and me. First his father had a debilitating stroke followed by dementia, my step-mother developed leukemia and other health problems requiring round-the-clock care, and most recently my mother-in-law passed away after a long illness. In many ways my MIL was a surrogate mother to me, so I'm taking the loss pretty hard i guess.

The things I've noticed at this season in our lives are:

~ With our parents dying my H and I are feeling like the "glue" to our family is gone. My in laws were so pivotal to family interactions. It truly seems like the end of an era.

~ My H and I feel like the "buffer" between us and mortality is no longer there. With parents passing on we're more conscious of our own aging process.

~ Like so many of our friends in similar situations, we still have kids at home even as we try to care for our aging parents. Sometimes we both just feel overwhelmed with all the caregiving and demands.

Anyone else feeling this way? Anyone old enough to have lived through these experiences and offer words of encouragement or advice? Does it get better?

[Anonymous]

In the same boat here. I hope some people with experience and wisdom will chime in.

[Anonymous]

I have lived through this as my mother spent 7 years in assisted living in a long, slow decline until she passed away last summer. Frankly, her passing was a relief in so many ways as I was beginning to feel that I could just not go on any longer (and neither could she). (I had the power of atty etc. and handled her affairs.) In the last year of her life she was hospitalized seven times and had such severe dementia that she no longer recognized extended family, and had no idea where she lived. She was extremely physically compromised as well - had absolutely no quality of life left.

My kids are in middle and elementary school and DH and I both work full-time and I was in and out of therapy and experienced on and off depression during those years. It was physically and emotionally depleting. I would not repeat it again for anything.

The one enormous plus of the whole situation was that my mother had prepared for her retirement and decline, financially and otherwise - she had plenty of financial resources and executed a will, power of attorney, healthcare proxy, etc. ahead of time, all of which made it much easier than it otherwise might have been. Still, it was very very hard.

DH's parents are still alive and at 85yo are declining - they are basically propping each other up. It is just a matter of time before a crisis forces some kind of a decision about where and how they will live, and in the meantime no one in the family is taking a proactive approach or planning in any way. From where I sit it is a train wreck waiting to happen - but I cannot tell them what to do.

My advice:

*Have all paperwork in place so that you can step in to take over as needed.
*Make sure you know what the financial situation is.
*Think ahead of time about the next step vis-a-vis a living situation/support.
*Develop a relationship with your parents' doctor.
*Consider engaging a social worker who can advise you on options.

I like the book, When the Time Comes by Paula Span. It is very helpful. I also like the New Old Age blog at the NYTimes.com website.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP here. PP's situation sounds very familiar. Moving DH's parents into assisted living took us 5 YEARS -- not the move, but convincing them it was time to do it! His parents fortunately have wills, powers of atty, healthcare proxy. What they didin't do was anything related to cleaning out their house of 60 years. We are dealing with this now and it's a herculean task; DH and his sibs have all sworn they will never allow this to happen when their time comes, as it's emotionally and physically exhausting to figure out what to do with all of the stuff. I'm sure we will all get past this one day, but it feels endless right now. Anyway, thanks for posting. It's comforting to hear from others going through similar situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me start off by saying that I lost my mother at age 14, and so I think I have more than the average vulnerabilities about death and loss. That said, I wondering how many of you are having trouble coping with the aging and death of elderly parents? In the past few years it's been an issue for my husband and me. First his father had a debilitating stroke followed by dementia, my step-mother developed leukemia and other health problems requiring round-the-clock care, and most recently my mother-in-law passed away after a long illness. In many ways my MIL was a surrogate mother to me, so I'm taking the loss pretty hard i guess.

The things I've noticed at this season in our lives are:

~ With our parents dying my H and I are feeling like the "glue" to our family is gone. My in laws were so pivotal to family interactions. It truly seems like the end of an era.

~ My H and I feel like the "buffer" between us and mortality is no longer there. With parents passing on we're more conscious of our own aging process.

~ Like so many of our friends in similar situations, we still have kids at home even as we try to care for our aging parents. Sometimes we both just feel overwhelmed with all the caregiving and demands.

Anyone else feeling this way? Anyone old enough to have lived through these experiences and offer words of encouragement or advice? Does it get better?

My parents are both gone - my father first and my mother second. What you wrote is true but as one "era" ends another begins. It may take a few years to work itself out but eventually your family comes together again on its own. Sometimes in truth the glue that you speak of wasn't really there and was more guilt, bad feelings, etc so you may find that some family just moves on and doesn't want to keep in touch and is simply happy for the era to end.

[Anonymous]

No words of encouragement since I am still going through some of this myself. But I totally empathize, OP - it is really hard. I am an older mom with toddlers and my elderly father passed away from Alzheimers one month before my twins were born. My mom is still living on her own, but barely hanging on and recently has started to decline mentally and it is so hard to wath. My sister and I are doing what we can, but neither of us have much time to spare -we have a home health caretaker for my mom. The past 3 years have been really tough.

My most overwhelming emotion with my mom's declining health is that I feel sooo alone. I'm struggling as a first time mom and my own mother is really not "present" to help or offer me any advice.

I think you might have acknowledge that you are to be the "glue" for your own kids and their generation in your larger family. Kind of like passing on the torch and think of what you can do to create the best family (extended also) memmories for your own kids that you can.

[Anonymous]

To 22:42, thanks for posting. It sounds like you are in a similar stage of life to me. I understand the loneliness of not having your mom available as you begin your own journey into parenthood. My mother died when I was still a teen, so I felt that acutely when I had each of my three kids. It was worst with the first child...I had a mild postpartum depression. It was easier the next two times around. In a way I thought because of those experiences I wouldn't feel the loss of my husband's parents or my stepmother. But I do. It is hard,but I agree that I need to shift my mindset to thinking of myself as "the glue" now that the older generation is fading. In a way it's not all bad.Once the strain of caregiving eases up I actually look forward to a new chapter. My oldest child is 19 -- it might only be 10 years or so before I'm someone's grandmother. What a concept! I think that will be a fun time in our family as we build new memories and traditions.

[Anonymous]

15:40 here, back to post this link to a piece from yesterday's Washington Post. It really resonated with me.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/our-unrealistic-views-of-death-through-a-doctors-eyes/2012/01/31/gIQAeaHpJR_story.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:40 here, back to post this link to a piece from yesterday's Washington Post. It really resonated with me.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/our-unrealistic-views-of-death-through-a-doctors-eyes/2012/01/31/gIQAeaHpJR_story.html

Thanks for posting this; the article is very interesting, and it resonates with me too. Dealing with death is difficult, but it is unrealistic to expect aging parents to go on forever. I take some comfort in knowing that my mother in law is no longer suffering with the pain she was experiencing in the last year of her life.

[Anonymous]

all resonates with me. i'm a single mom of an elementary age child, work full time. my dad died about 6 years ago, right after my child was born. my sister died unexpectantly and tragically one year later. i'm the only one left now to take care of my mom, who is pretty independent but lives out of state and was diagnosed with cancer last summer. spent the entire summer at the hospital with her, now she's ok again amazingly but very likely to have a recurrence which is probably not going to be treatable so i'm not sure what the next few years will bring. very hard to manage all of this.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me start off by saying that I lost my mother at age 14, and so I think I have more than the average vulnerabilities about death and loss. That said, I wondering how many of you are having trouble coping with the aging and death of elderly parents? In the past few years it's been an issue for my husband and me. First his father had a debilitating stroke followed by dementia, my step-mother developed leukemia and other health problems requiring round-the-clock care, and most recently my mother-in-law passed away after a long illness. In many ways my MIL was a surrogate mother to me, so I'm taking the loss pretty hard i guess.

The things I've noticed at this season in our lives are:

~ With our parents dying my H and I are feeling like the "glue" to our family is gone. My in laws were so pivotal to family interactions. It truly seems like the end of an era.

~ My H and I feel like the "buffer" between us and mortality is no longer there. With parents passing on we're more conscious of our own aging process.

~ Like so many of our friends in similar situations, we still have kids at home even as we try to care for our aging parents. Sometimes we both just feel overwhelmed with all the caregiving and demands.

Anyone else feeling this way? Anyone old enough to have lived through these experiences and offer words of encouragement or advice? Does it get better?

My parents are both gone - my father first and my mother second. What you wrote is true but as one "era" ends another begins. It may take a few years to work itself out but eventually your family comes together again on its own. Sometimes in truth the glue that you speak of wasn't really there and was more guilt, bad feelings, etc so you may find that some family just moves on and doesn't want to keep in touch and is simply happy for the era to end.

The hard thing I find about this is that I relied on my parents to keep me in touch with all my aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, and the larger extended family. When my folks passed away I was able to attend events organized by by other relatives in that generation. But that generation is passing away and the people my age have spread far and wide. Fortunately Facebook is making it easy to keep in touch with a few of them but it feels weird to not have a reason to go back to my home state anymore.

[Anonymous]

Just found this. I am not in my 50s, but I can relate to all of this and I really appreciate this thread. I am finding it very stressful dealing in particular with a special needs child while the health of both my parents has gone down hill. We have the added issue that DH's mother was really emotionally abusive and she doesn't plan for the future. It is hard to think of looking out for such a cruel woman who brought and still brings so much stress to our lives.

Have any of you tried a support group for caregivers? If so , which one and how was it?

[Anonymous]

I think I read somewhere that we never truly grow up until our parents are gone. I would amend this and say that caring for our parents is often a turning point. We become the "grown ups" in some ways for them; the reversal of roles can be striking.