Troubled by the Privilege: Advice?

[Anonymous]

We've signed the contract to re-enroll DC in their private school for next year, which always gives us pause as to whether we should at some point, pull them out and send them to public school. This isn't to say that we aren't happy with their school, or that DC aren't happy--they are. And, we do believe that the school has plenty of positives. I am, however, afraid that DC grow up with very unrealistic grasp of their own privilege, if they don't already have a skewed perception of such. DCs are in 2nd and 4th grades, so we are at the cusp of real awareness of wealth.

As I was sitting in the carpool line this morning, looking at all the luxury vehicles, the kids dressed in Hanna Andersson and Patagonia, the fathers in their fancy suits, and the moms in their LuluLemon yoga clothes, luxury purses, and designer sunglasses, I felt particularly shaken by reality that these children are constantly, constantly surrounded by symbols of material privilege. This despite the claims of the school--and parents--regarding their to social justice. I'm sure that many, if not most, of these children return home at the end of the day to expensive, economically exclusive neighborhoods and nice SFHs. If we sent DC to our local public schools, they would certainly be exposed to more economic diversity, especially by the time they were in high school. Right now, fewer than 20% of DC's classmates are on financial aid, according to school documents; and I'm guessing that a lot of these FA recipients are the children of teachers and staff.

If you feel this way--and let's assume that DC don't have special needs that can only be met by being in private school--what do you do? Do your schools do anything more than token volunteering for Martha's Table or tutoring at under-performing schools? If you think that your children do have a really good understanding of how privileged they are, what did you do to ensure this? Did you make changes in your lifestyle (school, home, car, vacation, clothes, etc.?) to accurately reflect the values you want your children to embrace?

[Anonymous]

What are the values that you want your children to embrace? Are you reflecting those values in how you live?

That will mean more to your kids than what brands their friends wear to school.

[Anonymous]

10:45 has it. Don't rely on the school to teach social justice values if that's important to you, make it a part of your lifestyle. Volunteer as a family. Live simply and deemphasize things like brand names and luxury cars. Your kids will learn from the model you set. Talk to your kids about materialism. They are old enough to have good discussions with you about these things. Depending on where you live right now, your local public may be every bit as uniform as far as SES goes.

[Anonymous]

I love limo liberals... lmao

[Anonymous]

This is America. Our financial system is based on capitalism. That means some folks will always have more than others. If you can't handle that -- move and send your kids to a public school in a bad neighborhood so they can experience first-hand what that means.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you are even concerned about this (and your well articulated post seems genuine) tells me your kids will be just fine. Also, I don't know what public school district you are in, but if it's MoCo you won't find much difference. As a parent, YOU educate your kids. You might not teach them algebra, but you reach them about the world. I have a feeling you do and will continue to do a great job with this.

[Anonymous]

I have a lot of friends of privlidge that I met at a private hs. Most of them really have no clue how the rest of the world live and how lucky they are. I met a girl in law school, so down to earth and thrifty.. turns out her family has bazillions. Dad still drove old car and they a.ways had to work to buy the things they wanted. Live the values you want your kids to have. Asking the question means you are a sincere thoughtful person so I am sure that you will instill good values in your kids just by being you. Talk to them about what you posted.

[Anonymous]

Fact of the matter is, and this is not meant to be a slam, but most people who send their kids to these private schools live in public school districts that are equally exclusive. Sure, there may be a fee apartment buildings or some such to even out the economic diversity, but for the most part, you are looking at school districts in lower Montgomery County or upper NW DC.

Agree with 10:50, you have to imprint values of social justice at home. I have found many families at our private school share similar values, and don't go on fancy vacations or drive expensive cars. It is a hard struggle, but anywhere you are in the United States, you deal with materialism. It is one of the benchmarks of a capitalist society.

[Anonymous]

10:53 - a conservative can't be concerned about their child growing up with a skewed perspective? I have no idea about OP's political affiliation, but please don't presume to speak for all conservatives by calling out OP as a liberal for what seems (to this conservative) to be a really reasonable question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is America. Our financial system is based on capitalism. That means some folks will always have more than others. If you can't handle that -- move and send your kids to a public school in a bad neighborhood so they can experience first-hand what that means.

Capitalism--not totalitariansm. This country is steaming steadily toward the latter. You sound like you are part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

I had the same concern and it's about 90% of the reason we chose Gonzaga for HS.

[Anonymous]

NP here. In a way, sending our DC to a private school has been educational for her in terms of her sense of her own privilege. We are not as weathy as most of families she comes into contact with. At our public, we are probably standard. The houses in our neighborhood are similar, and she "expected" certain things about the homes, what they looked like, what the kids had for entertainment, etc. At private, she has noticed that she has somewhat less than her friends, and that her house is smaller. In some cases, MUCH smaller. This has given her some perspective, and given her an awareness about the larger world, and where she exists in it -- in the DC area, the US, and the globe. She's started asking about her standard of living versus the friends, versus others in the area, versus others in other places, etc. Her curiosity in this respect has been piqued. I think this is a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is America. Our financial system is based on capitalism. That means some folks will always have more than others. If you can't handle that -- move and send your kids to a public school in a bad neighborhood so they can experience first-hand what that means.

This is an absurdly simple view of the economics of the United States. Yes, we are capitalist, but we also depend heavily on social programs and collective financing to build infrastructure. Schooling (from elementary up to university), corporations, hospitals and clinics (including major research organizations like NIH), public safety (fire, police, national security) are all funded by society as a whole. Social welfare programs, Medicare, and Medicaid are all funded as a society. Capitalism could not function unless there were also social programs in place to support corporations. The question here is not about mere acquisition of wealth, but the responsible use of it.

[Anonymous]

Living it will be a huge part of their perception. Volunteer with them, donate your time and money and show them the way. Show them the other side of things and be respectful to others.

[Anonymous]

Definitely a family values issue. We emphasize to our kids that there will always be someone wealthier than us, and always someone who has less. Just like intelligence, luck, status, looks, athletic ability, etc. With the hope that our kids develop a sense of internal competition, to always do their best and not necessarily try to compete with others.

We also try to teach them to be grateful for what we have, and emphasize that most people work very hard in life, but some get a bit of luck behind them and some don't. In fact, coming from poverty myself, I feel lower-income people work much harder in general than those who earn more. Simply because middle-to-higher income people know how to work more efficiently and/or have resources available that allow them to outsource a lot of the "pain."

As far as material goods: I seriously doubt we are in the same income bracket as OP. I feel my kids are privileged wearing LL Bean and Children's Place, vs. Hanna Anderson and Patagonia. But the lesson is the same. I tell my kids I pay for quality and durability, and that there is a point of diminishing returns. LL Bean generally takes abuse much better than Walmart stuff. So there is some logic in purchasing it. We apply this to our own lives (not just the kids' stuff). For example, I could afford an Audi (my personal dream car), but I don't see the need when my Honda is almost as good (perhaps better in safety/reliability. Just nowhere near as fun to drive). If they want "better" (generally it's more like they want "cooler"), then they have to work to get it.

We have always done charity work. And from about the age of five on, any money they get is divided into (1) 60% fun money, (2) 30% savings, and (3) 10% charity. They get to pick the charity.

And finally, the choice of school. This was probably much easier for me because we are not as high income as everyone on DCUM seems to be. But I wanted a school that was solidly middle class (in this area that still means pretty high income). I wanted my kids to be in the middle of that pack, not the poorest and not the wealthiest. And I wanted a school with uniforms, so that brand names were reduced (albeit not eliminated). This makes it easier for us, overall. But I'm sure you can still instill a sense of social justice in your children, even if they are insanely wealthy. Truly. It's an attitude and lifestyle, regardless of the car you drive, your zip code, or the clothes you wear. It's not a sin to be wealthy. The sin is the sense of entitlement. You might have to work harder at it than most, but it's worth the effort. And very doable.