Why 2 ?

[Anonymous]

We have two kids and are happy. We would like to have another but we are very high risk for a preemie and other complications. On top of that I would be 40 and introduce all the other high risk factors on top of our existing problems. I know it is more responsible to stop at two but it is disappointing for us.

I've noticed so many families who have two kids. It does seem to be the magic number. Can any of you who have stopped at two share your thoughts and the benefits of having two? We really can't go for three and I guess I'm looking for more reasons to feel better about it.

[Anonymous]

It is hard to think that anyone of us would have the right answer to such a personal question. I share your thoughts that I would like to have more than 2 children, although two is very practical. (today's homes are designed for two kids, and so are the cars, the strollers and most stuff around us.)

I really believe you ought to follow your heart in this one. If having a child of your own seems hard, or very hard given your circumstances, have you considered adoption? or being a foster parent? I struggle with this too, and by this I mean :YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Although we are not ready yet, we have decided to adopt our third child. I am sure that will have its own challenges, adopting is neither easy, nor cheap, particularly if the child is foreign born, as it will be our case. But the way I look at it is that I have plenty of love to give, I can make time and financiallyfit another child into my life. More importantly, if would feel "incomplete" if I stopped at 2, even if I am gettign great love in return.

If you really want another child, pay attention, your soudl is telling your something, and to rationalize it may not fulfill you, nor make you change your mind.

[Anonymous]

We currently only have one baby, and we plan to have more than one so I'm not a very good measure to go by, but I can tell you why some people stop at two....

1) They are "older" Parents. They started when they were in their mid-late 30's and they just didn't think they should go for more....the same reasons you're stating, sort of, and I also know people who stopped at 1 for this reason.

2) They came from families of 2 children. I do think that you are more likely to go for more if your family had more and you grew up in a happy home.

3) Money. I don't think I need to elaborate on that.

4) Time. I never understood how people would have just 1 child until I had a child. Now I completely could understand the desire to do so. It's kind of the idea of "Okay. I feel like I'm handling this one.....maybe if I have another I'll screw it up. Let's just keep it this way." That said, I know I'll have at least one more.

I always assumed we'd have 3 children because my husband and I are both the third child. Now we have one and I just always think of us with 2 kids somehow. It's the oddest thing. We bought a 4-bedroom house thinking the rooms would all be for children and now I see the fourth room as a guest room and imagine only 2 kids here. I think part of it (the stupidest part of course) is the "Middle Child" Syndrome. I know a lot of children who have had it and I worry about it un-necessarily. I don't buy much into birth order in general and I know that it's irrational, but for some reason it's an issue that plagues my mind! It doesn't mean we won't have more than 2, but for now I can't really think beyond the next one. Now I know how hard it is!

I read an article that people are more often having 3 children now. They named a bunch of reasons why it's a new trend but it does seem more common.

There is no magic number of children so make the decision that best suits you. Would you ever consider adoption?

[Anonymous]

Hmm, interesting, I agree w/PP that this is such a personal question. But since you asked -- maybe will be helpful to hear from someone who almost had one then went for 2? Keep in mind I am obviously someone who has different views on this, but trying to be helpful. We really almost had 1 kid and then only reluctantly had 2. for us it was a little of the enviro angle, that our footprint was so enormous already living in this country. also that there's limited time and energy, limited resources, emotional and financial (and we are not struggling, btw, it's not like we are going to have trouble supporting our 2 we just don't want hamster wheel lives where we end up working constantly to support a lifestyle rather than having financial freedom of the sort where you can choose meaningful work -- also we both grew up in families under financial strain and didn't want that for our child(ren).) Hmm, what else? Well, we for sure wanted our kids to have a sibling, that was a huge driver for us when it came for 2. I dunno gender on your kids but we ended up with one of each. That might be a motivator one way or another (you could choose if you adopt, that'd be a benefit of that route). But we didn't feel like 3 was necessarily a huge benefit for the kids, I mean sibling relationships can be tough and middle child-dom is not necessarily a picnic depending on family dynamics. We are pleased that our kids will have a sibling in theory, but realize that they may not have a perfect relationship with each other in particular. Also, my friend w/more kids put it this way -- how busy you are now with 2? The time, any of it, that you have to read the paper or exercise or have a hobby? That's going to go to kid 3 -- kiss it goodbye. That said, all my personal preferences aside, I agree with PP. You sound like you may have unresolved feelings about this. Adoption is a valid suggestion. If you want 3, don't sell your options short. You don't want to have regrets about something this important.

[Anonymous]

I should add a few things--please don't think 40 is such a bad age to have a child since it isn't unless..and this is a big unless..you our not in good health since that poses problems but it poses problems at any age, it's just some people by 40 are not taking care of themselves. The chromosonal issue is there but as my doctor told me..at 40 you have a 95% chance of having a healthy baby and not to focus on scary stats because it's all in how your read them. Now I am not sure why you think you will have another preemie--if it is something that monitoring can't control, yes it's a factor--but you should discuss this with your doctor before you rule anything out. Adoption would be wonderful and is becoming so commen including international adoptions that I really think family dynamics with an adopted child would be fine. Speaking of family dynamics--I am a middle child of three and I loved it--I loved having an older bro and I loved having a younger bro--it was the best of both worlds. Family strife will happen in any arrangement--the big question you have to ask yourself is what several posters have already said---what is in your heart? If your heart yearns for one more, don't let anything stop you. I think when all is said and done you would never say--Gee I wish I didn't have so and so but you might say later--Gee I wish I had one more. For me, I am about to try for number two and I have all the fears you have but in my heart I know there is room for another and I want my child to have a sibling since I saw how wonderful it was to have siblings in my family.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I am going through similar struggles and thoughts as well. Although we could have a 3rd, we are so lucky to have 2 healthy children and we don't want to push our luck. Each pregnancy is a risk, and it sounds like for you it's even more so.

Although we could afford a 3rd, the money spent on #3 through college could be used for other things. But, if we had a 3rd, we would obviously never begrudge him/her anything and wouldn't miss the extra vacations, new clothes, etc.

I echo the thoughts of one of the PPs. I do worry about my impact on the world, which is overpopulated as it is. However, there is so much room in a parents heart for love that I can imagine going for a 3rd despite my rational eco-self.

However, on the weekends when my DH is working, the kids are sick and I"m all alone (like yesterday, when the whole country shuts down), I really do wonder how I could handle 3. One for each hand seems like the most I can do. As a child with only 1 sibling, I also wonder about the dynamics with 3 kids and how my current baby will be impacted by being a middle child.

Sorry for my rambles here - but I think there are many people in the same boat as you. If you have 2 healthy kids, you're a lucky woman!

[Anonymous]

I agree that this is such a personal decision and everyone has their own experiences. I thought I would give you my perspective--I am a middle child of three girls. I can tell you for me it was rough. I think the fact that we were all the same sex and that we were close in age made it difficult for us--we fought like cats and dogs! We are fairly friendly now, as adults, but it took a long time to get there, and I still don't think we are as close as my friends are with their siblings.

I am currently pregnant with #2 and I plan to stop there. A couple of major differences, though--I will have a boy and a girl, and my husband and I are about 10 older than my parents were when they had me and my siblings.

Other factors for us have already been mention--maternal age, cost, time, energy, environmental concerns.

Good luck with your decision. I don't think you can go wrong either way .

[Anonymous]

I'm the poster from 21:21, and the PP brings up a good point.


I am the youngest of three girls and I think my husband and I would be far more likely to have a third child if our next is a boy. I think that most of the boys I know who are middle children take it easier than the girls do. I'm sure there are a thousand contradictions to that though, so take it with a tiny grain of salt! Girls are very competitive and there are more issues involved. I think it's harder for the Parents too. My Parents were careful with how they treated it and were very honest when they didn't know what to do and I greatly appreciated that as a child and now as an adult. All in all though, I felt very special having two sisters and I do have a good relationship with them so some of this is just hooey!

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP - I would love to have three or more children but b/c of If issues, it is not easy for us to do. We will try though and see if we are lucky to succeed. If we do not, and we will remain a family of 4, I will still be happy I think (though deep in my heart I long for 3 kids). My kids have each other, they have somebody to play with, they will still learn to share, not to be center of attention, and when we are old, they can hopefully rely on each other to take care of us (I am the only child and the burden of caring for my parents is starting to weigh in heavily).

Your family will be complete even with two kids

[Anonymous]

We have 3 and my middle child (daughter) thinks it is tragic

For me, when we had 2 I wasn't ready to stop building a family. My DH was ambivalent - and was willing to go along. Oddly, both of my siblings have 3 children each, and my DH's siblings are childless. So go figure - everyone's idea of 'family' is different and there are no right and wrong.

Big motivators were wanting my children to have sibs as children and adults - with all of the give and take that entails. As adults my sibs and I are close, my DH's not so much. My DH in fact hangs with my family much more than his own and is an adored 'uncle' to my nieces and nephews. I personally believe there are lots of life lessons learned from growing up with sibs - tolerance, wrestling, coaching, bickering, and best of all got-your-back. I also was just not ready to be done having a baby in the home - frankly I would have gone on if $$ wasn't a factor. We did make some sacrifices, but it didn't seem burdensome, perhaps because it was something I really wanted ???

[Anonymous]

We have two kids and I really feel our family is complete. My husband and I are both from bigger families and alway thought we'd have a soccer team of children. I had my second child in my early 30s. A few things informed our decision to stop at two:

1. we had a hard time getting pregnant, with miscarriages in between, and some scary test results during pregnancy which turned out to be nothing at all...so the process of pregnancy was extremely stressful for us.
2. we had a more challenging second child (temperment and development wise) and we knew a third baby would take away from this child when he really needed our emotional resources in his toddlerhood especially (while still able to give our first all we had too...)
3. we were moving across the country in the window when we would likely have another child
4. we have a girl and a boy

Now the kids play really well together, we travel -- I feel we are a great "unit".

The question we asked ourselves a few years ago when we were considering another child -- how is this decision different from when we decided on having number two, and what does this mean? We desperatly wanted our first and second, we tried so hard to have them both, now were were luke warm on trying for a third, which said to us, we are lucky to have the two and since we aren't frantic for a third, perhaps we shouldn't have one.

[Anonymous]

I really admire all of you who want three children. I have a nearly 3 year old and a four month old. Man, it is hard for me to take care of both of them! Sometimes I dream about what it would be like to not have any children at all. I am a horrible mom or what? So I really admire those who want to give so much of themselves that they would have more than two children. Right on.

[Anonymous]

1 is so so
2 is good
3 is better

that is what someone wise told me one time and I am stopping at good enough so I won't know the better part but I am okay with it...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really admire all of you who want three children. I have a nearly 3 year old and a four month old. Man, it is hard for me to take care of both of them! Sometimes I dream about what it would be like to not have any children at all. I am a horrible mom or what? So I really admire those who want to give so much of themselves that they would have more than two children. Right on.

In a lot of ways, it gets easier. My youngest is one, and now that the kids can play together and I'm getting more sleep, it is much better. That said, I'm really on the fence about whether to go for a third. My husband is from a family of three boys, and both of his brother have three. I'm one of two (I have a younger brother), but my cousins are all over the map--anywhere from two to four, with boys and girls in each family (all families have at least one of each sex).

I can think of lots of reasons to have a third. I'm young enough; we're financially stable; it's another little person to love and watch go through all of those amazing stages. But, that isn't what OP asked.

Some of the reasons I'm very hesitant are: I have two healthy, happy kids (a girl and a boy)--would I be lucky enough to get that again? I am finally starting to get some sleep--do I want to go through that again? They are finally on the same nap schedule--do I want another year + where I'm struggling to get errands done between each of their nap times? Even though I can afford another child without depriving the rest of us, having another will certaintly take away from what we have/can do as a family (thinking anything from college funds to vacations to weddings, eventually). I'm not worried about middle-child syndrome per se...but three is a tough number. Odds are, two of the three will be closer, leaving one out (whether that is oldest, middle, or youngest), and that would make me sad to see. Scariest of all...what if the third pregnancy ended up in TWINS????

So, although I remain on the fence, my list of cons is obviously longer than the pros for having a third. I am very happy with the two I have, and if I don't choose or am not able to have a third, I will still feel that my family is complete. Just think of all the families who are never able to have children of their own, take the two your have, and give them an extra hug.

[Anonymous]

15:35 - you're not a horrible mom! You're a tired mom with an infant and a toddler! Of course you want time to yourself. I'm a pp who thinks about 3 kids sometimes, but I also have an infant and toddler. And yeah, I dream about the days of sleeping in, lounging around and doing whatever I want as well. I think that makes you normal.