Question for People Who have Friends w/ Different Income Levels

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have tended to gravitate to people in our income bracket. It just made more sense for us to hang out with people who made the same amount of money as we did and could do the same types of things we can.

Recently, my daughter has begun to hang out on the playground with a new girl who is of a different income level and has very much enjoyed playing with her. Her mother and I have hit it off and also begun hanging out. I've noticed, we are VERY different. We approach things differently and handle just about every aspect of life differently. I've enjoyed the friendship that I've begun to form with this woman, because I find her sense of humor, her love of her child, and our easy way with each other to be very comfortable.

I've had her over to my house last week for a playdate and next week I'm going to hers.

I'm a little uncomfortable about this next step and was thinking of cancelling and making up an excuse. I know that she and I get along so well - as do our daughters, but somehow the difference in our financial status just seems so large.

Has anyone else had this issue in a friendship?

[Anonymous]

I think it is beyond strange that you avoid friendships with people in other income brackets. Time to branch out, lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is beyond strange that you avoid friendships with people in other income brackets. Time to branch out, lady.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Seriously OP? Let me guess, you are of the higher income bracket and she the lower. You are a snob.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is beyond strange that you avoid friendships with people in other income brackets. Time to branch out, lady.

+1.

+2. Unreal!

[Anonymous]

It depends on what you mean. When I was a kid, I spent my whole life with friends in different income brackets. My dad was/is very wealthy for this area in the 80s. After the tech boom, there are MANY more people here who make high incomes. But in the late 70s and 80s there weren't a lot of people who made high 6 figure incomes in the (then) far flung suburbs. No one in my school had a family with even half of my father's income. No one in our neighborhood. No one but the people he worked with made his kind of income. I don't think either of my parents thought about it. They both came from more reduced circumstances. So they were friends with neighbors who were teachers, home makers, doctors, retirees, world bank managers, military, government employees. They were friends with my friends parents who were paralegals, police officers, government employees, military, etc. My parents didn't think anything of it. And I don't think our family friends thought much about it either.

I think if one family is wealthy and the other family is solidly middle class/middle income the divide is less noticeable than if one family is literally living in poverty.

[Anonymous]

OP, how do you know how much they (or other parents) make? Also, if you have "hit it off" with that woman, and your daughters get along well, why would you search for reasons to severe the relationship? Do you fear something will come up that will embarrass you?

[Anonymous]

OP here, I'm not living in poverty, but we are living in a small 1B condo in the city (in an "up and coming neighborhood") and both DH and I work at non-profits. Compared to some, we do ok - but we are lower middle class for DC.

My friend is upper, upper class. I don't believe she or her husband work. Or he runs his trust fund. I don't know...

She seems very down to earth, but it's little things that make me uncomfortable. For example, my husband and I have been saving for a vacation and we managed to get a very good deal on plane tickets. I was excited. I told her about how I got the deal on expedia. She didn't know what that was. When I told her - she told me they normally "fly private" - I didn't know what that was (it means they have their own plane)...duh.

Our kids get a long, but they are young enough to not know the difference yet. I don't want my child to feel bad about where she comes from.

[Anonymous]

OP, this about you and your fear of not being good enough. If you like this women be her friend. Try not to pass your insecurities on to your daughter. Signed a duaghter who has struggled with issues with people with money because my mom grew up super poor and taught me that we were inferior. You are both human beings. If you have enough in common to be friends- friendships seem to be few and far between with women in this area- face your fears and be open to what could be a life long friend or maybe just a short term friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how do you know how much they (or other parents) make? Also, if you have "hit it off" with that woman, and your daughters get along well, why would you search for reasons to severe the relationship? Do you fear something will come up that will embarrass you?

I am somewhat afraid that I'll break something super expensive in her house. Some million dollar vase.

Seriously, I'm more worried that my daughter will think, why don't we have all this stuff. Why aren't my parents this.....rich. I haven't been to her house, so maybe she doesn't have a huge one, but I am assuming (yes, yes) she does. And I don't want my daughter to think suddenly that we are poor.

I know. It's wrong....and it's bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have tended to gravitate to people in our income bracket. It just made more sense for us to hang out with people who made the same amount of money as we did and could do the same types of things we can.

Recently, my daughter has begun to hang out on the playground with a new girl who is of a different income level and has very much enjoyed playing with her. Her mother and I have hit it off and also begun hanging out. I've noticed, we are VERY different. We approach things differently and handle just about every aspect of life differently. I've enjoyed the friendship that I've begun to form with this woman, because I find her sense of humor, her love of her child, and our easy way with each other to be very comfortable.

I've had her over to my house last week for a playdate and next week I'm going to hers.

I'm a little uncomfortable about this next step and was thinking of cancelling and making up an excuse. I know that she and I get along so well - as do our daughters, but somehow the difference in our financial status just seems so large.

Has anyone else had this issue in a friendship?

I am not clear on what your real fear is exactly, perhaps you could explain a little better. So far, she seems like a lovely person and I don't get what makes you so "uncomfortable".

[Anonymous]

We have more money than many of our friends, both because my husband's career skyrocketed a few years ago, but also because we have always lived well below our means, save aggressively and do not carry a large amount of debt. As a result, we are not concerned about going out to eat a lot or buying big things or taking vacations. There have been times when I have felt a little bit embarrassed by the fact that I simply do not have to think about how much money I am spending. Usually, I am embarrassed because I worry it embarrasses my friends that they do have to think about these things.

OP, I think that it is good that you are considering this and I think it would be a mistake to cancel this playdate. I am not really clear on why you WOULD cancel this playdate? Are you uncomfortable going to this family's house? Are you concerned about the safety of the neighborhood or the feelings of your mom having been at your (presumably larger and fancier) house? I think that if you continue to make up excuses about why you cannot come over to this family's house and why the playdates always have to happen on your turf, the mom will take the hint and the friendship will end, whether you want it to or not.

I think that it is good to be conscientious of the costs of your activities. Stick to things that are free when you can (a good general rule, frankly, since there are so many fun free things in this area). Make sure that you are not treating your friend like she is poor, offering to pay for things too often, etc. It's insulting and just draws attention to the income disparity.

[Anonymous]

12:57 here. OP, I think it is great that despite the income differences, you (both) appear to enjoy the friendship. That you already had your friend over to your place is nice, no? So, she's already seen where you live, and I take it you guys had a nice time. I suppose if you go over, and the friend shows you a different side (e.g., flaunting her belongings, etc etc), then you will quickly realize more about her character, and how you think that might affect your friendship with her. Why not just go over, see how it works out. As you said, the kids are young just now, if you fear any reactions (either way). Platitudes/cliches aside, the true friends will see past an layers.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm 13:04 and I posted before I saw what your issue was.

I stand by a lot of my advice, honestly. Do things that do not draw attention to how much money both families have. I was the kid at private school on financial aid, and I often went over to play with my friends in their $1M+ houses (in the 80s, when that meant more than it does now). It WAS hard to see the things that they had that I did not also have, but also it was kind of like going to the toy store and playing with stuff there.

In any case, make sure that you do things equally. Switch off playdates. Go to things that are free. Trade off who treats who for lunch. It will take the focus off that issue and you guys can get to be friends.

[Anonymous]

... 13:08 here, sorry, see past "any" layers (i.e., money differences, etc).