Modern Brides and Grooms
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Anonymous
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So, DH and I are now at the age -- 55 and 52, respectively -- where we are beginning to receive invitations to the weddings of our friends' children. Our oldest is 23, so in a few years we expect that we will also have the privilege of attending the weddings of some of his friends, and, if we are fortunate, some lovely young woman will even take him off our hands.
DH and I were married in the early '80s and had what my sisters and cousins still refer to as a "hippie-ish, wear-wildflowers-in-your-hair and have your college roommate sing 'Songbird' wedding." We've kept up with the times enough, however, to know that weddings have generally become more formal and elaborate. What we do find surprising, though, is how much loot these young kids register for. Even couples who have both had the good fortune to attend Ivy League colleges and professional schools, and who, consequently are in pretty lucrative jobs, which have, consequently, allowed them to purchase rather expensive first nests, seem to want to bring in a haul. Again, DH and I might have been at the extreme, but my mom and my MIL had to prevail upon us to register for anything at all. Our favorite wedding gifts were actually things we never registered for -- a deluxe Scrabble game set and a picnic basket. Honestly, I'm delighted to be a part of the celebrations for these young people -- many of whom I've seen grow up and feel quite fondly toward -- and I'm happy to purchase gifts for them. But something here just seems a little out of whack with the times, doesn't it? Or am I just being a cranky old lady? |
Anonymous
| You are being a cranky old lady. Your style of wedding and thoughts on your wedding gifts are yours. If you don't want to buy gifts that are expensive from the registry, don't. That doesn't mean that the couple shouldn't register for them. If you don't want to buy expensive gifts, buy them a scrabble game and write them a note about how it was a favorite wedding gift for you. |
Anonymous
| Send Yogi with the picnic basket. |
Anonymous
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OP, I'm with you. The wedding excess has become absurd, and registries in general have become useless. A friend of mine's baby registry listed nothing under $80. And there wasn't a single useful/essential thing on it!
I think anyone who registers for $500 coffee makers is basically just asking for cash. |
Anonymous
| Gifts are usually proportional to how much you spend on your guest |
Anonymous
Meaning you get to pay for the privilege of watching some spoiled brat and his precious snowflake have her special day as a princess. Yikes. |
Anonymous
Only in the minds of hosts and hostesses looking for payback. OP, I agree with you. I think there is a sense of entitlement among today's 20-something generation that I find very offputting. It may be reflective of a generation raised on credit card debt and inflated expectations regarding material goods. |
Anonymous
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They also have no patience or desire to start small and make do.
Whatever happened to living with the ancient TV on crates-and-boards and the futon on the floor until you could afford the real stuff? |
Anonymous
This. And in the same light, whatever happened to group houses of young people who couldn't afford to live on their own, but teamed up in cheap row houses rather than live at home with mommy and daddy? |
Anonymous
| I think you should do whatever you feel comfortable doing. I see 20something year olds as very socially conscience. They are very aware of what they have and posses a sense of giving back to the world they live in. I think they will enjoy your presence on their special day and appreciate whatever you give them. From another 50 year old....lighten up! |
Anonymous
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I don't think it's fair to criticize the mere fact of having a large registry unless there is nothing on it that is reasonable (i.e., everything is $100 or over). There is a school of thought that you should register for a lot of things to give people many options on what to buy. Many, probably most people are more comfortable buying gifts off of the registry than buying random things that the couple might not want. I think registries are a little bit generational and have obviously become more prevalent in the online era but they are fundamentally about making things easier on the guest who wants to buy a gift that the bride and groom will actually use/want. I think most reasonable brides and grooms understand that you're not going to get everything you register for and that many people will give you off-registry gifts and are totally fine with that.
Now, I'm with you though, that I always think people are nuts who put $500 items on a wedding registry because who is really going to buy that? |
Anonymous
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OP here. First off, I want to be clear that I'm not just being cheap. Really, we've beeh happy to buy nice Bar/Bat Mitzvah and graduation gifts for the children of our friends and friends of our kids. Nor am I averse to registries in general. The line my mom and MIL used when they got us to register is "Your friends know your tastes, but there will be older relatives and friends of ours who would like to give you something, but won't know what to get." OK, fair enough; the registry makes sense in those cases.
So, now that we're the older generation giving, not getting, I have no problem going to Crate&Barrel, Pottery Barn, etc. and ponying up. I'm just surprised when I see 3 sets of dishes and multiple kinds of glasses, etc. And, in part, what makes me surprised is that this generation -- the Millenials, if you will -- have been touted as being the give-back generation. Many of them have raised money for all kinds of causes, and we have happily supported them. In fact, now, when the need is so great, I thought some of them might ask for gifts to be made to a charity in celebration of their marriage. Instead, I just see acquisitiveness and consumerism raised to a very high level. And, no, I don't live in a shack and eat off paper plates, but as several PPs have noted, our expectations as newlyweds were more modest. Particularly in light of the fact that these couples are out of college and grad school, working in high-paying jobs, and, in several cases, own houses, I'm just flabbergasted. I'll be very embarrassed if my kids follow this course. And, no, I don't think that wedding gifts are a way of recouping your expenses in putting on a reception. |
Anonymous
ITA. Though, I wonder if it's also got something to do with the fact that this is the first generation raised entirely without the influence of a family member (parent or grandparent) who lived through the Great Depression??? |
Anonymous
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I oppose registries of all kinds and directed donations. If you like that church or charity so much why don't you give them your money? I'm giving a gift to my friend to celebrate her marriage, not an organization I've never heard of. Many people exchange things they put on their registries for the money. Often the reasonably-prices items are the first to go and only the expensive ones are left.
Registries are the height of presumption. How can the bride or groom have any idea how much Aunt Lily, who lives on a fixed income, can budget for their wedding gift? We, as a society, should just be more honest and give cash. We had no wedding registry and I loved and kept every gift we received because they were from the heart. |
Anonymous
| You don't have to do any you don't want to do. Who care what you think? It's not your day. Live and let live. |