What We Can Learn From the Dutch About Teen Sex

[Anonymous]

http://healthland.time.com/2011/11/14/mind-reading-what-we-can-learn-from-the-dutch-about-teen-sex/

Teen pregnancy rates are eight times higher in the U.S. than in Holland. Abortion rates are 20% higher. The American AIDS rate is three times greater than that of the Dutch. What are they doing right that we're not?

For starters, two-thirds of Dutch parents report allowing their teenage children to have sleepovers with their boyfriend or girlfriend, a situation even the most liberal American parents would rarely permit. Is there something Americans should learn from the Dutch about relaxed attitudes toward sex (and drugs — indeed, the Netherlands has more lenient drug laws than the U.S., but three times lower rates of marijuana use)?

This makes a lot of sense to me, though it goes against a lot of the repressive instincts of this country. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Not happening in my household.

[Anonymous]

That's what my parents did. It worked pretty well but I still don't think I can do that with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you feel you can do it with your kids if it worked for your parents?

[Anonymous]

I would consider this for an -older- teen. Not a 13 year old.

I already let my 9 yr old drink a few swigs of beer or wine IF the rest of us are imbibing with a meal. He doesn't like the taste of either, but, I see zero reason to withhold these beverages as an accompaniment to a sit down dinner in our home.

re: the drug thing, I'm not so sure. The Pacific NW and Alaska (and Vancouver BC) take a verrry laid back attitude toward pot and also toward personal use amounts of other drugs. And you know what? Those states are overrun with heroin addicts, meth heads and potheads who couldn't handle the occasional joint and had to kick it to the next level. Literally, the streets and parks are full of addicts on the benches -- young, white addicts, FWIW -- in a way you just don't see in Charlotte NC or DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you feel you can do it with your kids if it worked for your parents?

Because I can't stand the thought of listening to my kids having sex. I will get them birth control. They can always talk to me about anything with no judgment. But they have to find someplace else to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you feel you can do it with your kids if it worked for your parents?

Because I can't stand the thought of listening to my kids having sex. I will get them birth control. They can always talk to me about anything with no judgment. But they have to find someplace else to do that.

But, isn't this the point. Kids are going to have sex if they are in a serious relationship. I would rather not have my kids having sex in cars or at parties or other places where it might not be safe and they could be arrested. Kids will take fewer risks, not more risks, if they have a safe place to be together.

[Anonymous]

Not all kids are going to have sex if they are in a relationship. Some kids do chose to wait for religious reasons. Perhaps not many anymore but there are a few moral kids still around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not happening in my household.

I agree. I don't care horrors my children experience so long as I'm not exposed to any potentially embarrassing behavior on their part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not all kids are going to have sex if they are in a relationship. Some kids do chose to wait for religious reasons. Perhaps not many anymore but there are a few moral kids still around.

Also plenty of moral kids who do have sex within a relationship. The ones who worry me are the ones casually hooking up at parties.

[Anonymous]

I think this is very interesting. Thanks for posting.

Maybe we'll just move to the Netherlands.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 friends whose parents were very permissive in this way. Ultimately, they did not respect their parents or their decisions. Sometimes kids need an excuse to say "no" and my mom would kill me give them a good out. When that out is taken away, they can feel pressured to do things they don't want from boyfriends or girlfriends or even the implied pressure from parents that they should be having sex and drinking. Not good parenting choices. Both or my friends resent their parents for putting them in this position.

[Anonymous]

I think the PP makes a good point about kids needing an excuse to say "no" -- to themselves or others.

On the other hand, I agree with the poster who points out the hypocrisy and ultimate selfishness of "not under my roof" ("I don't care horrors my children experience so long as I'm not exposed to any potentially embarrassing behavior on their part.")

Overhearing your parents (or your children) having sex is certainly cringe-inducing, but it is also a normal part of life. I heard my mother having sex many times and I'm pretty sure she inadvertently got to hear me once or twice (when I was an adult staying with her). And while I take precautions to the contrary, there is a good chance my daughter has heard me having sex. My mother was a single mother, as am I, so -- the horror -- none of this filthy, loud sex was between married people.

I am not saying that's great. It is good for kids to grow up with their mother and father. By no stretch of imagination is hearing your mother and her boyfriend (or your daughter and her boyfriend) go at it a positive or enriching experience (it's gross!). But it is not the end of the world either.

The best part of the article for me was when it talks about how the Dutch place relationships between teenagers in the context of love. They don't dismiss their kids' feelings as "raging hormones", and don't assume that teenagers who engage in sex are any less moral, responsible or loving than teenagers who don't.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the poster who points out the hypocrisy and ultimate selfishness of "not under my roof" ("I don't care horrors my children experience so long as I'm not exposed to any potentially embarrassing behavior on their part.")

Why is refusing to allow your children to have sex in your house hypocrisy? If you are opposed to your children screwing around and they know your beliefs, how it is it hypocritical not to allow them to have sex at home? You are sending a dual message if you say "don't do this" but if you do "do this at home."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I agree with the poster who points out the hypocrisy and ultimate selfishness of "not under my roof" ("I don't care horrors my children experience so long as I'm not exposed to any potentially embarrassing behavior on their part.")

Why is refusing to allow your children to have sex in your house hypocrisy? If you are opposed to your children screwing around and they know your beliefs, how it is it hypocritical not to allow them to have sex at home? You are sending a dual message if you say "don't do this" but if you do "do this at home."

I agree!