What's better, fitting into your neighborhood socially, or loving the location?

[Anonymous]

I love our neighborhood's quiet streets and convenient physical location (we're renting). But I know there are further-out, less convenient locations where I'd fit in better socially (more alternative, more international, more diverse). I think if my husband and I didn't have kids we would definitely look to buy where we are now, since our social life doesn't have to revolve around our neighborhood. However, I think about my kids and the friends they will make through school.

Is it better to be in a great location and be clinging to the bottom of the social ladder (here we'd be lucky to find something we could afford, and then it'd be a stretch for us), or to be in a neighborhood we can afford without such a stretch and where we might find more like-minded families. I do want my children to "fit in" and not feel like outcasts. I also am not very patient with them having playdates when I find the other kids spoiled and rude, and I'm finding that here. I know I'll get in trouble for saying that... I guess I'm just not good with kids. But I am sure there must be lower-key families like ours in this neighborhood too, and it could just take time to fit in.

If we stay in the great-location neighborhood, the investment in our home will be more secure.

[Anonymous]

Excluding extreme situations, location has the potential to make me FAR more miserable than social atmosphere. I might be willing to commute 5-10 min longer for a neighborhood I were *certain* would be *much* more enjoyable, but in general, I would rather spend time with my family than my neighbors, so I am not going to lose family time via a long commute just for the prospect of slightly nicer neighbors.

[Anonymous]

The higher the price, the closer towards DC the better. The more further out and cheaper the more chance of illegals, welfare, etc... this will be your children's peers. Children of lower economic backgrounds will have families that are more concerned with the basic necessities where as more well off will be concerned with children's learning, extracaricular activies etc...

By staying with the spoiled children it will get your kid ready to do with these attitudes when he eventually leaves home, college etc... eventually he will have to deal w/ this attitude whether its now or later.

[Anonymous]

We made the choice for a neighborhood where we were more average in wealth rather than being the poorest. Like you, it didn't seem appealing or beneficial for our kids to be "clinging to the bottom of the social ladder." So far, we've been extremely happy with our choice.

While being close-in has its benefits, other locations can have alternative benefits--possibly access to nature, or bigger yards. And you are not just limited to a choice between a wealthy neighborhood and a poor neighborhood with each of their attendant social issues. They are definitely middle-class or upper-middle-class neighborhoods with great schools and more of the sorts of lower-key families that you'd like to meet.

[Anonymous]

Some posters seem to have confused fitting in socially with fitting in socio-economically. Or is this what you were asking, OP?

[Anonymous]

Not sure I understand either. Location is everything to me, and there are probably hundreds of families in your neighborhood, I'm sure there is someone you can connect with, no?

I'm a WOHM so maybe it's different but I just don't feel like I have to be besties with all my neighbors. It's important to be neighborly and get to know folks, but beyond that I'm not sure I'm getting where you are coming from. Like a PP said, is everyone wealthier than you? Are you talking about ethnic diversity?

[Anonymous]

We bought our house 12 years ago based on location only- close to both our jobs and downtown DC so we wouldn't have a bad commute. We didn't plan to have kids so schools and social aspects weren't important. We had friends from other aspects of our lives. Well life had other plans for us and now we have kids in school. I can't say we knew it at the time but we have been extremely lucky. A great set of schools, a great community and a great location. Its a diverse neighborhood that is very down to earth. Now that our social activities are more focused on school I am so glad I live some place that I generally have a lot in common with other parents, glad to have kids for our kids to play. As I said I think we were lucky. 12 years ago we didn't think about anything except location, I feel like we won the lottery on everything else.

[Anonymous]

I -think- I understand what you're saying. I would fit in much better in Takoma Park, MD, and Mt. Rainier and Hyattsville I think, based on all the people I like who live there.

However, I happen to live in a much-more-convenient-to-downtown neighborhood along the Red Line. It's also scads wealthier according to the 2010 Census and getting moreso.

I don't "connect" right away with my go-gettum' immediate neighbors who earn hundreds of thousands a year (yes, they do) as an equity partner of BL Swiper. I do connect right away with everyone I meet in TP, Mt. Rainier, etc.

Still, I stay put for reasons PP have mentioned: convenience, property values, in my case, supreme walkability / Metro access ... lower crime stats ....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure I understand either. Location is everything to me, and there are probably hundreds of families in your neighborhood, I'm sure there is someone you can connect with, no?

I'm a WOHM so maybe it's different but I just don't feel like I have to be besties with all my neighbors. It's important to be neighborly and get to know folks, but beyond that I'm not sure I'm getting where you are coming from. Like a PP said, is everyone wealthier than you? Are you talking about ethnic diversity?

I agree - a good location has the potential to make life so much easier, and we chose our home in large part based on location. I like our neighbors and we've gotten to know a few in the last four years, but like this PP I don't have a strong desire to be best friends with the neighbors or to participate in a bunch of neighborhood social functions. I'm not anti-social, just tired after work and not really looking for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We bought our house 12 years ago based on location only- close to both our jobs and downtown DC so we wouldn't have a bad commute. We didn't plan to have kids so schools and social aspects weren't important. We had friends from other aspects of our lives. Well life had other plans for us and now we have kids in school. I can't say we knew it at the time but we have been extremely lucky. A great set of schools, a great community and a great location. Its a diverse neighborhood that is very down to earth. Now that our social activities are more focused on school I am so glad I live some place that I generally have a lot in common with other parents, glad to have kids for our kids to play. As I said I think we were lucky. 12 years ago we didn't think about anything except location, I feel like we won the lottery on everything else.

I think it might also be you. I think there are just some people who tend to see the best in many things, and that makes it so. I think you'd make a great neighbor!

[Anonymous]

I agree with those who say pick the best location for you in regards to commute but also with an eye on school districts. But remember that once your kid gets out of elementary schools, that they are in school with kids from outside your boundaries. My HS in Bethesda included kids from Bethesda, Kensington, Rockville, Wheaton, Garrett Park and of all socio-economic backgrounds. Neighborhoods with $2M homes to low-income housing. You can't assume that your kids will only stay friends with kids that live close to you so odds are that whatever discrepancies you may notice in elementary school will go away once they hit MS and HS.

[Anonymous]

I think the most important factor for me would be whether we could afford it AND be able to save something for college & retirement, which would be something in favor of you moving (assuming your commuting costs don't become really high). Good public schools are also very important. It sounds like there are probably neighborhoods that would be a better fit for your budget with the bonus of having neighbors and neighborhood kids that you like better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I -think- I understand what you're saying. I would fit in much better in Takoma Park, MD, and Mt. Rainier and Hyattsville I think, based on all the people I like who live there.

However, I happen to live in a much-more-convenient-to-downtown neighborhood along the Red Line. It's also scads wealthier according to the 2010 Census and getting moreso.

I don't "connect" right away with my go-gettum' immediate neighbors who earn hundreds of thousands a year (yes, they do) as an equity partner of BL Swiper. I do connect right away with everyone I meet in TP, Mt. Rainier, etc.

Still, I stay put for reasons PP have mentioned: convenience, property values, in my case, supreme walkability / Metro access ... lower crime stats ....

I'm the OP, and yes, you understand. I'm leaning towards staying here. Really, every time I walk out the door, I'm thinking "man, I love it here." But I don't really relate to my neighbors, and the little houses are being replaced by McMansions at an incredible rate. (I don't get those things at all. I want to say who wants that much house to clean, but I guess the homeowners aren't doing the cleaning. As the neighborhood switches to those things, people lose their privacy and you feel like you're in a townhouse community. (because the houses are built almost to the edges of the lot, so they look into each other's windows, decks and yards.)

To answer another PP, I guess I'm thinking about fitting in more both economically and socially. I guess my ideal place would have the spectrum of economic classes and racial groups equivalent to the demographics of the country (and to that other PP, yes, that would include some "illegals"). But I'd want it to be a place that still had good schools and be walkable and close to the metro. Since it's not possible to have everything, I'm asking which of my main two desires I should give more weight to. (I should add, where we are now, DH has a 15 minute walk to work)

[Anonymous]

Location, location, location. You can make your own social circles, near or far, and might be surprised to find a few like-minded people in unexpected places. A long, ugly commute won't change, and there's no guarantee that you'll click with your neighbors even if the vibe seems nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with those who say pick the best location for you in regards to commute but also with an eye on school districts. But remember that once your kid gets out of elementary schools, that they are in school with kids from outside your boundaries. My HS in Bethesda included kids from Bethesda, Kensington, Rockville, Wheaton, Garrett Park and of all socio-economic backgrounds. Neighborhoods with $2M homes to low-income housing. You can't assume that your kids will only stay friends with kids that live close to you so odds are that whatever discrepancies you may notice in elementary school will go away once they hit MS and HS.

D'oh! Why didn't I think of that? Seriously, I guess that had occurred to me earlier, but hadn't been factoring into my thoughts recently. I guess because I kept the same friends from kindergarten through high school, and they all lived within a few blocks of me. But that's because I was in a neighborhood I fit into. Maybe if my kids don't really fit in here, they can branch out later on. (I'd hope.) My mom reminds me to "trust my kids". Just believe that they can figure it out and will know how to choose their friends and won't turn into brats just because some of their friends for a while are. (i'm op)