Problems with 12 YO Friend

[Anonymous]

Hey

Both me and my DH come from familes with histories of being overweight/Obese. Actually, both of us were obese as kids, and young adults. I was nearly 270 pounds at my largest, if that gives you any idea. Luckily, we both managed to slim done (in fact we met at an exorcise class!), and because of our family history we try to keep all unhealthy food out of the house. We now have 3 lovely children, ages 16, 12, and 8, and we instill our rules on them. We don't allow them to have junk food (non-homemade pizzas, fast food, overly sugary foods, you probably get the picture), and while we understand that we can't watch everything they eat, we try to regulate their habits so they can grow up to be as healthy as possible. Once they leave the house, its their choice, but I am definitly not going to have them become fat because me and my husband didn't provide them with a healthy environment like our parents did to us.

My 12 year old D.S. is becoming a bit chunky-not really "fat", but he has a bit of a belly developing and some mini-manboobs-over the past few months. 4 months ago, he was around 5-1 and 100 pounds, and now he is around 118 pounds, just for you information. Over these months he's been spending much of his time over at the house of a friend, "T", who he met over the summer (he move a couple of doors down from us, goes to the same school, etc). "T" is obviously overweight, and every time my son comes home from his friend's house he is talking about the brownies, or that giant bowl of chips, or that bag of gummy worms he and "T" had as a snack. Now, I wouldn't mind if this was a rare thing, but literally every time he comes back (and during the summer this was nearly every day) he seems to have had some unhealthy snack. When we invite "T" over, he seems to be always looking for food, particularly junk food, and will often leave early because he is hungry (nevermind I offered him yogurt, vegies, fruit, and so on).

We've talked to his parents (one of which is a doctor and the other stays home) and explains that we don't want our son eating all that junk every playdate he has with his friend, and they essentially laughed at our diet and told us to go screw ourselves. I feel really bad, because I like "T", and he and my son have a really good friendship, but I really don't know what to do. We've tried taking them out to the zoo and museums, and other places, but it always seems to end when I don't have some unhealthy snack for "T". Its gotten to the point where "T" refuses to do anything but have a playdate at his house.

In some ways I feel like I should just tell my son that he can't go over to "T"'s house, but that seems mean. My son doesn't make friends easily, and I would hate to see him lose one of his best because I don't approve of the family's eating habits.

Before all of the 'You should talk to your son about it people': I have talked with my son about it, he says he doesn't care. I remember being a fat kid, and while he isn't being teased yet, I know that he probably will be if he continues this cycle. We've also invite "T's" whole family over for dinner, and they schoffed, in front of my kids, that I wouldn't give out seconds to their kids (we were having sandwiches as a picnic, even if I wanted to give out seconds I couldn't, we made just enough).

Please, if anyone has any advice, give it. I'm really in a bit of a situation of being between a rock and a hard place!

-Janet

[Anonymous]

12 is such a tough age. I was miserable then. We had just moved to a new neighborhood, I knew no one, and everyone my class was already deeply bonded with their clique -- no room for the newbie.

So I discovered the candy counter at the grocery store. It was on the way home from school, and I had a nice little allowance that I learned to budget by purchasing the absolutely biggest candy item I could get for the price. Remember Marathon bars? Charleston chews? Rolo? I probably gained 30 lbs. that year.

Course, I'm a girl. And this was California post-Prop 13, so there were absolutely no after school activities to get my butt moving.

Seems like physical activity would be the best antidote for your son. You really can't control what he eats when he's not at home, so try to get him moving. Can he join a team of some sort? Maybe "T" will participate, too? If not, maybe your DS will meet some new friends who will be a better influence.

I think it's great that you're trying to spare him the pain of being the fat kid. But don't get too hung up on it -- he'll probably lose the extra lbs. when he hits puberty.

[Anonymous]

Maybe at your next pediatrician appt you can have the doctor speak to your son since you're about to give up on that tactic. Some of the weight gain might be due to puberty. You haven't mentioned much of anything about maintaining an active lifestyle. I would increase your family outings and include hiking, cycling, etc., to help you get the focus off the food.

[Anonymous]

Get your son into sports. That solves two problems. 1. Weight and 2. T.

[Anonymous]

I would redirect his time so that he didn't really have enough time to spend at T's house. Sign him up for a sport or take him to the rec center to play basketball or swim. My daughter swims and it is a minimum of 2 practices per week plus meets. They are intense practices. Between all that activity, homework, musical instrument practice, there isn't time to indulge in negative relationships.

[Anonymous]

I don't really think T is the problem, OP. I'm sorry there is no real gentle way to say this, but I think the problem is your wanting to control your child's eating outside of the house. You say you do everything you can to provide him a healthy eating life at home. Really, that is about all you can do. He is old enough, now, to make choices about what he eats when he's elsewhere...and he does. He's 12. He can turn down the snacks at T's house. He can even pack his own snack from home when he goes to T's if he wants. He eats what is at T's because he can and he wants to.

I also think it is pretty normal at this age to want what you usually can't get at home. So, I would step away from the battle of what he is choosing to eat and try to engage him in activities that can help get active and maintain a healthy lifestyle. The PP's idea of sports is good. Discouraging his friendship with T because of snacks seems kind of extreme to me, though.

[Anonymous]

Some kids get pudgy before they grow. If his eating habits are good, please don't bug him about the weight. Wouldn't it be terrible if you were nagging him about puberty? I know being thin is important to you, but don't let it be too important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't really think T is the problem, OP. I'm sorry there is no real gentle way to say this, but I think the problem is your wanting to control your child's eating outside of the house. You say you do everything you can to provide him a healthy eating life at home. Really, that is about all you can do. He is old enough, now, to make choices about what he eats when he's elsewhere...and he does. He's 12. He can turn down the snacks at T's house. He can even pack his own snack from home when he goes to T's if he wants. He eats what is at T's because he can and he wants to.

I also think it is pretty normal at this age to want what you usually can't get at home. So, I would step away from the battle of what he is choosing to eat and try to engage him in activities that can help get active and maintain a healthy lifestyle. The PP's idea of sports is good. Discouraging his friendship with T because of snacks seems kind of extreme to me, though.

Really? Yes, some kids get chunky before puberty, but ... 18 lbs in four months for a 12 year old, and a friend's family that openly disparages your parenting choices? It's ok for OP to be concerned about this and to find other things for her kid to do. We have friends that have only non-gluten, non-dairy, weird, packaged 'natuaral' foods at their house. Or kid doesn't like their food choices as well as ours (we tend to have lots of good fresh fruit, bread, cheese and meat around), but he would never, ever end a playdate or outing because of it. The friend's family seems to have clear food issues, and it's OK to protect your kid from them.

[Anonymous]

My parents did not have any junk food or sweets in the house (chips, coke, candy, etc.) and as a result when my sister and I where in a home that had junk food, we devoured the food (and probably embarrassed ourselves). I’ve seen this with my DC’s guests. Kids who are denied junk food just devour it at our home. Based on my upbringing, I’m teaching my DCs moderation with junk food and sweets. We buy chips, etc. for guests and holidays but it’s not an everyday event. We bake desserts for holidays, but do not have them everyday. It seems to be working as when DCs are with us at a party, they do not devour the junk food like I did because I never had any and if there are leftovers, they do not even finish them. Consider teaching them moderation.