My dad is in denial about his diabetes

[Anonymous]

Okay, before the "MYOB" brigade rushes in, let me say that I know that my dad is a grown man and can choose to eat himself into the grave if he wants to. But for obvious reasons, I wish that he would wake up. He was diagnosed (type 2) in his mid-30s, over 25 years ago. He has never taken good care of himself. He takes whatever pills the doctor prescribes and eats what he pleases. He never, ever, ever checks his blood sugar because he is in complete denial and doesn't want to know (because if he knew in a concrete way how bad it was he wouldn't be able to so blithely pretend that nothing was wrong). Fortunately he does not drink or smoke, but he eats all kinds of junk food, particularly candy and cookies, all the time. His blood sugar is so out of control that it spikes high after meals and then drops low (or what he thinks/experiences as low) and he then uses that as an excuse to eat more candy. He is hungry all the time because of his blood sugar -- e.g. less than 2 hours after a normal meal, when my DH and I are still full, he will be snacking already. He is not particularly overweight, just has the watermelon gut on an otherwise normal-size to slender body.

What I really don't understand is why he doesn't get more s**t from his doctor. She gives him his prescription meds, does an A1c quarterly, and never (according to him) asks him anything about what he is eating or how his blood sugar is doing on a day to day basis. I mean, WTF? Is this common? Are doctors so tired of noncompliant patients that they don't even try anymore?

And my mom has her own struggles with food and weight. She doesn't want to change her own eating habits, so she enables him by keeping junk food in the house. When they come to see us they bring a suitcase full of the prescription meds they both take for high blood pressure, etc.

I have tried to talk to both of them about this separately and together, in the context of my having gestational diabetes during my pregnancies. I have talked to them about good nutrition in an educational way ("did you know that eating white rice is virtually equivalent to eating table sugar? I had no idea!"). I have told them about the changes I have made in my family's diet in order to prevent diabetes in myself and my children. I have broken out the glucose meter numerous times right in front of my dad, trying to show a good example. I have made references to diabetic complications, some of which my dad DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT despite having had this disease for almost 30 years. No discernible impact.

I really want to have a come to Jesus talk with him and her (her position is, "I tried and he just went to the grocery store and bought cookies, so I'm not going to try anymore, I'm just going to not think about it", though honestly it wouldnt surprise me at all if she is developing it too and doesn't know it). But I don't think it would do any good. They don't live near me and we see them 4x a year. I don't know what I'm asking for here, I just thought that maybe there were others going through this same thing who could commiserate. My kids love them and I wish they would wake up and see what they are doing to themselves. It makes me so angry and sad to watch him slowly killing himself in an entirely preventable way. He knows what he needs to do -- he's just too immature and selfish and IN DENIAL to do it. Can anything wake up someone like this? Is there anything I can say or do to help him?

[Anonymous]

There's nothing you can do, but make the decision now that you aren't going to blow your savings and your own retirement on heroic amounts of medical care to solve the problems that he is creating.

Yes, he is killing himself, but that is his right.

[Anonymous]

Take him to a dialysis unit and talk to all the nice men who blew out their kidneys and lost their toes to uncontrolled blood sugar.

[Anonymous]

I can totally relate--my father was diagnosed with Type II diabetes in his 50s (he is now 81). He never, ever took care of himself--ate whatever he wanted, drank sugary juices all the time, etc. My parents marriage was put under heavy stress for decades by my mother trying to manage the diabetes for him and constantly policing his eating. It never helped--in fact, I think it made him react against all the nagging and even more gorge on unhealthy foods and drinks.

The end result? My father is blind due to diabetic retinopathy. You can try tough love (I used to say to my father "Why don't you just take that brownie and shove it directly in your eye?"), but in my experience it won't help. You can try saying " I love you and I am afraid of losing you or watching you lose your vision or a limb to amputation." That may or may not help, depending on your dad's personality. You can try telling him how much it scares you to contemplate his becoming blind or wheelchair bound. But, at the end of the day, you cannot control his behavior and trying to do so will likely be corrosive to your relationship. It's not about MYOB--your parents' health IS your business, both because you love them and because eldercare usually falls to adult children. But you can free yourself of trying to do it for him--that is all that is within your control. Good luck to you, I know just how scary and stressful your situation is. I hope your father snaps out of his denial before his body is permanently damaged. My father never has.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to dealing with a-hole baby boomer parents. There seems to a mindset in that generation that you don't need to do jackshit to maintain your health because pills can fix it all. This attitude seems to hand in hand with the belief that you can drink diet coke all day long because it's healty (because it says diet).

You can't fix it OP, you will just drive yourself insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can totally relate--my father was diagnosed with Type II diabetes in his 50s (he is now 81). He never, ever took care of himself--ate whatever he wanted, drank sugary juices all the time, etc. My parents marriage was put under heavy stress for decades by my mother trying to manage the diabetes for him and constantly policing his eating. It never helped--in fact, I think it made him react against all the nagging and even more gorge on unhealthy foods and drinks.

The end result? My father is blind due to diabetic retinopathy. You can try tough love (I used to say to my father "Why don't you just take that brownie and shove it directly in your eye?"), but in my experience it won't help. You can try saying " I love you and I am afraid of losing you or watching you lose your vision or a limb to amputation." That may or may not help, depending on your dad's personality. You can try telling him how much it scares you to contemplate his becoming blind or wheelchair bound. But, at the end of the day, you cannot control his behavior and trying to do so will likely be corrosive to your relationship. It's not about MYOB--your parents' health IS your business, both because you love them and because eldercare usually falls to adult children. But you can free yourself of trying to do it for him--that is all that is within your control. Good luck to you, I know just how scary and stressful your situation is. I hope your father snaps out of his denial before his body is permanently damaged. My father never has.

Oh, my, your first paragraph sounds just like my dad! He was just diagnosed in his late 50s, and not only has he not changed his diet at all, he almost never takes his medications and never, ever checks his sugars.

My dad is blessed with great genes--his parents are in their 80s, and only very recently had any health issues, and his siblings are healthy--something about the Cuban aristocracy and drinking a glass of wine with dinner, maybe. He abused his body with a brutal work schedule and a passionate love of food, and after 40 years of being an exercise nut and naturally skinny, he lost to age and bad habits. My mom, who has had a host of health problems despite being a crunchy granola hippie obsessed with nutrition and exercise, is absolutely beside herself with him. But the way she nags him, he just gets that much more determined to grab a handful of M&Ms, have a tall glass of orange juice for breakfast, take second helpings of simple carbs...I have no idea what to do.

Seriously, if anyone can come up with a novel approach, I'm all ears. I don't want my dad to suffer for his pig-headedness! I swear, I think he is secretly hoping to just keel over from a heart attack--I don't think he realizes that diabetes means slow, painful, limiting death!!!

[Anonymous]

Does your dad see an endocrinologist? If not, he needs to see one ASAP. If his A1C is out of control then the Dr. needs to have a real frank discussion with him. I agree with others, take him to a dialysis clinic, or show him pictures of those who have gone blind or lost limbs. My grandfather lost his toes, then his feet, then his legs from below the knees. It's very sad. He's in way over denial.

[Anonymous]

Take him to a dialysis unit and talk to all the nice men who blew out their kidneys and lost their toes to uncontrolled blood sugar.

This. Because that SUCKS. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

My dad is very similiar. He was diagnosed "pre-diabetic" in his 40s, and knew that he needed to take care of himself. He never did. He's now 76, full blown diabetic. When he had bypass surgery a few years ago, my oldest sister tried to get him to a nutritionist. His response was that he'd rather die young(er) and eat what he likes than to live to 100 and eat salads every day.

And you know what? I agree with him. Fighting him, nagging him, encouraging him... none of that will help. he's going to live the rest of his life on his terms - no one elses.

He's lost a lot of circulation in his feet, and the doctors have told him he will someday need his legs amputated. I think he figures he'll die before that day comes.

So, I have no advice or wisdom, except that this might just be one of those things that you have to accept. Not just on the surface, but really come to terms that your dad has made his choices for his reasons and nothing you can do will change it. Still love him.

[Anonymous]

I'm not going to tell you to MYOB, but denial is denial, and you can't make him take care of himself. You can't make someone else quit smoking, lose weight, take care of themself, or really do anything. You have to decide whether you want a relationship with him that involves more than just this issue.

[Anonymous]

OP I second, third, forth what PPs have said. Take him to a nursing home to talk to people who're blind and had limb amputations.

My uncle is 72 and just lost his leg. He's getting blind and just last week he told my mom that now, after suffering for DECADES he understands what stupid things he has done re his diabetes.

He just now realizes he's in the same boat their mom was 35 years ago when she passed due to diabetes complications and nooooow he's scared.

[Anonymous]

Hold on a second. What is his A1c? You need to find that out before you go into hysterics. It could be that the medication he is on is controlling it well.

[Anonymous]

OP-

This is not about MYOB but just the reality that is close to impossible to change someone who doesn't want to change. Other people can't *make* someone change, that person needs to decide they want to change.

But you could try the "shock" ideas people have had re losing extremities. But don't be disappointed if it has no affect. Or he has a million reasons and excuses as to why that won't be him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hold on a second. What is his A1c? You need to find that out before you go into hysterics. It could be that the medication he is on is controlling it well.

It's above 7. Which is waaaaaaay too high. It needs to be under 6, at a minimum, to be good control. Plus, the A1c, because it is an average, can conceal high spikes and low dips, which seems to be what he has from the way I observe his behavior when I am around him and the symptoms he reports. I actually got him to use my meter once while he was here, 2 hours after breakfast (where he ate some okay stuff and some stuff he shouldn't have), and he was at 158, which isn't as bad as it could be, but after 2 hours he really should be under 120. The evidence shows that anytime you go above 140, you are doing damage to your organs, and if he was at 158 at 2 hours, at 1 hour he was probably above 200. And that's *with* medication (he does take the meds faithfully because my mom reminds him).

Thanks for the responses, all. I know it is a lot like smoking in that if you don't want to change, you won't. And I have no doubt that he thinks that because he's been doing this for 30 years and hasn't suffered any consequences yet, that it won't happen to him. My best friend lost her mother at 60 (the mom was 60, my friend was 32) to lung cancer. My friend had been arguing with her mother about the cigarettes for 25 years and her mother had every excuse in the book and clung to her addiction and when they diagnosed her there was nothing to say. It was just unbelievably tragic that she preferred her cigarettes to ever seeing her grandchildren. I compare the two because I think that my dad has an addiction just as strong as my friend's mom's, to a substance just as harmful to him as cigarettes were to her. At least he is here to see his grandchildren while they are young, but I don't know that he will be here to see them graduate from high school. It is hard for me to accept that someone could have a chronic condition like this and not care that they are damaging their body.

Also, ITA with the PP who made the comment about baby boomers thinking that a pill will fix everything. Not all, of course, but I do see this attitude a lot and my parents definitely have it. It's somehow related to an out of control sense of entitlement to pleasure and enjoyment that that generation has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not going to tell you to MYOB, but denial is denial, and you can't make him take care of himself. You can't make someone else quit smoking, lose weight, take care of themself, or really do anything. You have to decide whether you want a relationship with him that involves more than just this issue.

I agree with this. If taking good care of yourself were that simple would anyone be overweight? Would anyone smoke? I know of two people who have parents with very VERY serious diabetes conditions--one is my employee whose mom has had a foot amputated and chronically in and out of the hospital (she is also morbidly obese) and the other one is my sister's BFF's father who drinks like a fish even though he has type 2 diabetes. You're driving yourself nuts and it's probably not good for you, and not going to change him to boot. Seriously read some books about CBT--FOR YOU. One that's pretty good is called POSITIVE THINKING. I'd focus inward and stop focusing on your dear old dad.