If you grew up poor...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like a small thing but some of you really make me want to setup a fund when my kid gets to HS to help classmates pay for events.

Yes. But where/which one? Kids are zoned for Langley and go to a private. That hardly seems like an obvious choice. Anyone have a better suggestion for me?


PP with the swimming background: both kids heavily involved in expensive sports. This seems like a good place to put money that can help. Sounds like it helped you. Any thoughts?

Former swimmer here. Athletics was just something I happened to excel at, but not everyone will. The key thing there was that someone reached in for me. I mean, I did not know how to swim, and a coach saw something in me, some need, and taught me, brought me into the game. So, I think that was the thing that saved me. The action of the coach, caring for that kid. So I don't mean to dismiss your idea AT ALL, I think if that is the way you want to do it, that is a wonderful way (though I'm an oldie and my kids are too young for organized sports, so I really don't know enough about how they're organized now to know how to advise you. I just think that the fact that you want to make an impact is important. Some people can give with their money, and others, with their time, and others, just with kindness. People talk about pulling themselves up by their bootstraps and all, and I respect that. At the same time, I did not pull myself up by my bootstrap. I mean, make no mistake, I hung on tight to the life raft that was offered, but someone - multiple people - pulled me up.

I think poor kids, particularly those kids who see nothing but the same poverty, neglect, and abuse for miles and miles, need someone willing to reach in for them.

PP that asked about sports here. I can't be the person who reaches in and helps, and I know that. I have to be there for my kids first and foremost--but it is something both DH and I are interested in doing later in life. (He's a coach at heart but not by profession). We can help with money though, and do. Just hadn't occurred to me until your post about the sports aspect, and how unreachable some sports are for those with limited resources.

Found one, by the way: http://fdihc.org/history.htm

There are more for other sports, of course. This one is great, not sure if anyone posted it yet:

www.some.org

[Anonymous]

"I think poor kids, particularly those kids who see nothing but the same poverty, neglect, and abuse for miles and miles, need someone willing to reach in for them. "

Yes, but it should be sincere and consistent. Otherwise, it's just another time of hopes being raised and dashed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:putting things back at the grocery store b/c we did not have enough money for the bill

Reading this made my cheeks burn. It was bad enough paying with food stamps...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you grew up in poverty, do you resent your parents for it? Why or why not?

I try hard not to let these feelings bubble to the surface, but yes, I do resent them. There was always money for cigarettes and beer. They were callous about taking small amounts of money from me (like birthday gifts) and never returning it, even though they knew they were just going to fritter it away and it could have brought me some happiness. They were absolutely incapable of budgeting so that things could have been just a little bit more bearable. I begged them to let me handle things like grocery shopping and they refused.

What I really resent today, though, is that they let me believe our suffering was all because of a lack of money. I worked like crazy to get out of there, to make a life for myself, and to earn a lot. And I've done that. But now as I grow older and parent my own children, I realize we were missing so much more. The damage inflicted through causing us to grow up in poverty pales in comparison to the damage inflicted through abuse and neglect.

This exactly happened to me and my siblings as well. I got a part time job in high school so I could have lunch every day, buy clothes and hygiene products. My mom got SO ANGRY with me when I wouldn't give my money to her. At first I did then I just refused. I wasn't going back to starving for anyone. My brother let her take all his money though. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you grew up in poverty, do you resent your parents for it? Why or why not?

I try hard not to let these feelings bubble to the surface, but yes, I do resent them. There was always money for cigarettes and beer. They were callous about taking small amounts of money from me (like birthday gifts) and never returning it, even though they knew they were just going to fritter it away and it could have brought me some happiness. They were absolutely incapable of budgeting so that things could have been just a little bit more bearable. I begged them to let me handle things like grocery shopping and they refused.

What I really resent today, though, is that they let me believe our suffering was all because of a lack of money. I worked like crazy to get out of there, to make a life for myself, and to earn a lot. And I've done that. But now as I grow older and parent my own children, I realize we were missing so much more. The damage inflicted through causing us to grow up in poverty pales in comparison to the damage inflicted through abuse and neglect.

This exactly happened to me and my siblings as well. I got a part time job in high school so I could have lunch every day, buy clothes and hygiene products. My mom got SO ANGRY with me when I wouldn't give my money to her. At first I did then I just refused. I wasn't going back to starving for anyone. My brother let her take all his money though. Sad.

Debunks the "Parents Do the Best They Can" myth.

[Anonymous]

11:26 - thank you. I am glad I am not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you grew up in poverty, do you resent your parents for it? Why or why not?

I try hard not to let these feelings bubble to the surface, but yes, I do resent them. There was always money for cigarettes and beer. They were callous about taking small amounts of money from me (like birthday gifts) and never returning it, even though they knew they were just going to fritter it away and it could have brought me some happiness. They were absolutely incapable of budgeting so that things could have been just a little bit more bearable. I begged them to let me handle things like grocery shopping and they refused.

What I really resent today, though, is that they let me believe our suffering was all because of a lack of money. I worked like crazy to get out of there, to make a life for myself, and to earn a lot. And I've done that. But now as I grow older and parent my own children, I realize we were missing so much more. The damage inflicted through causing us to grow up in poverty pales in comparison to the damage inflicted through abuse and neglect.

This exactly happened to me and my siblings as well. I got a part time job in high school so I could have lunch every day, buy clothes and hygiene products. My mom got SO ANGRY with me when I wouldn't give my money to her. At first I did then I just refused. I wasn't going back to starving for anyone. My brother let her take all his money though. Sad.

Debunks the "Parents Do the Best They Can" myth.

Earlier PP with similar comments, and I think it debunks the related but different "doing the best you can is good enough" myth. I have no doubt my parents did the best they could. Their best was far from good enough, though: it was abusive. There are things in life that go beyond effort; if you are making an effort and not meeting the baseline, your effort may be your best but you are still failing. Sometimes circumstances are outside of your control and sometimes your own actions are the larger problem, but either way I am fine to say you did your best. I am not fine to say that automatically means I am fine, the situation was fine, or you have no responsibility for the consequences of your actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an expensive crib and lots of baby stuff that I was going to put on freecycle.

But after reading this, I have reconsidered. I know the people who pick up things, and they could easily buy a crib. Suggestions for where to donate things? I got burned once on Craigslist. . .tried to donate a lot of maternity clothes and had a scam artist threaten me.

I grew up poor.

We are debt free, live within our means, but my children make comments about how we live in an apt., and don't have an upstairs like their friends. They are healthy and happy, which is more than I was.

Call your local Catholic church and see if they have a charity for unwed or poor mothers that they collect for.

Most of the Catholic churches I have attended around the country help unwed moms as part of their pro life outreach.

Just be aware that many religious-affiliated centers aggressively counsel young girls away from abortion and pressure other girls to surrender babies for adoption. Not saying all, just many, so do your research if this is something you care about.

Non-affiliated women's shelters, homeless or for domestic violence, would also be an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:High school - I had two pair of second hand jeans and two second hand sweaters to start the year. It was hot and I wore those ugly sweaters anyways. I was so mortified.

No toilet paper - we would use an old towel. No feminine pads - I would roll up toilet paper at school.

Wouldn't eat all day or eat a hot dog for breakfast and come home and find NOTHING.

Junior high - My first bra was from Goodwill. I was mortified and cried and refused to wear it. I got a new one eventually.

If you lost a jacket, which I once did it was gone. I got a garage sale replacement - a handsewn jacket that people teased me for. To this day I can't bear to buy second hand things for my daughter. Kind of irrational, as I accept hand me downs. But I just can't.

Elementary - I would panic when we had to bring a lunch for a field trip. We did not have extra money to buy extra food.

I would panic when I needed a book cover. I would have to beg for DAYS to get it.

Having to bring soda for a schoolmate's party and CRYING at the register because I only had $2, not enough for the tax. I had already begged desperately for that money. The cashier took a quarter out of his pocket and paid it. It was $2.13.

Living on liver, oatmeal, government cheese, peanut butter, "yellow brand" bread, and ramen. People would put things I hated in the free boxes like lima beans and creamed corn.

So many things....

After seeing and having to eat what is donated for canned food drives, I buy the best/high quality canned food I can for food drives.

Ditto. I donate the best I can afford and always include canned food meat items. That's what I was always hoping for.

Refusing things and crying would get me a beatdown.

For some reason, the bra was one thing my mother had sympathy for. That thing had to be from the 70s and this was the late 80s. It was gross. Believe me, other things I got screamed at for wanting or needing. They stopped hitting us once we got kind of big, I guess.

After writing this I realize a lot of the most humiliating moments were related to clothes. I don't have a ton now, but I am always wearing something that I feel good about.

I haven't really donated canned goods, I never really keep that much food in the house. But I donated all the very best and cutest clothing my newborn had to a pregnant mother through an organization for Latino immigrants. Nothing bad or stained or broken goes to donations. I can't believe a lot of people don't know that.

There are other threads on this (what to donate) but I wanted to say that the organizations that accept clothing donations employ a lot of people who are poor and they also sell stained or torn clothing for scrap cloth to groups in other countries that employ women to make them into rag rugs. Not to say that you should donate a bunch of trash to a clothing group, but there are a lot of people employed for the work of sorting that clothing out, both here and abroad.

[Anonymous]

Long time food pantry volunteer here. I've learned that the best, most valued "food package" doesn't just include food. Here's what I try to give to every family I help, of course, variation due to children's ages, family size:

- toilet paper
- laundry detergent
- diapers (mostly 3/4/5/6)
- sponges (several)
- liquid dish soap
- toothbrushes/toothpaste/floss
- shampoo/conditioner/baby head-to-toe wash
- body wash and hand soap/disposable razors
- asst cleaning supplies
FOOD:
- rice
- oil
- breakfast cereal
- pancake mix
- dried beans
- granola bars
- dried fruit
- canned meats, to include tuna



- tampons/pads/liners

[Anonymous]

"tampons/pads/liners"

Yesss! I considered suicide ever time I got my period for YEARS! How could my mother do that to me?

[Anonymous]

Pp here. My dad grew up poor and no, his parents didn't even attempt to do they best that they could.

I'd like to think that today, my father and his seven siblings would have been removed from their home and raised in foster care. It was that bad.

His mom and dad were fair-to-middling, barely-functioning alcoholics. When my dad and his close in age older brother reached about age 12, their parents told them that if they wanted new clothes, they had to buy them themselves. Wouldn't even take them shopping. So, both boys did odd jobs in the neighborhood and scrimped to get a few new things.

The boys (three) were given/offered admission at a private school far away from home (about an hour), but they had to provide own transportation. They walked and often hitchhiked.

[Anonymous]

I could not even get through the first page without tearing up and I'm at work on my lunch break.

I too am a hoarder (of clothes and necessities...not everything) who pushes food on my child (who is not overweight at all). I realize that I am scarred because my DH and I have saved over 1mil already (we are 40) and I still feel financially insecure probably once a week. I make 200K/ry; I"m a lobbyist with a doctorate. Why do I have a doctorate? Because I was sure that my mother's lack of education was the cause of my every misery and with education I would never be poor again and I hope it doesn't happen.

I am the fortunate one. I have one brother serving time for selling pot and another living with a roommate (not gay) and working at a gym.

Mother is out of my life, father wasn't ever in it. Hunger was part of my life as was fear. I wonder how this will impact my parenting. Pushing food on a thin 3 yr old is fine but I wonder how I will react when he wants something extravagant. I fear I will be angry at him for his frivolousness.

When I am not at work and free to cry, I'll read all 14 pages with hopes that there will be some good parenting kernels in the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"tampons/pads/liners"

Yesss! I considered suicide ever time I got my period for YEARS! How could my mother do that to me?

my mom would always get the cheapest kind or tell me to use tp. I leaked all the time. HORRIFYING! Now, I have the full complement of products. Tampons (pearl, the good kind) and a variety of pads for every occasion. I will never run out of food, hygiene products or socks and underwear. I must have 100 undies and about 50 pairs of socks.

[Anonymous]

Things I relate to in this thread -

- not feeling very poor as a young kid because my mom was like the supermom up thread who cooked to NPR
- later thinking it was normal to have to choose which bill to pay, or to have your power turned off every few months
- I thought food stamps were just a special kind of money that could only be used at the grocery store
- I was also too embarrassed to take advantage of the free lunch program

I am in my early 30s with a preschooler. I'm recently divorced from a man who makes about 3x as much money as I do. I find myself overcompensating with my daughter often. I don't think I will feel financially secure ever in my life.

I do not resent my parents because I know that they actually did do the best they could. My mother is loving and generous. She, like the PP's mom, has brought full bags of groceries to struggling families. She has taken in the abused teenage friends of her children, given them resources, helped as much as she could. She has gone from being a runaway teenage mom to a board certified doctor who provides medical care to poor people. Her patients often do not pay her. It does not stop her from seeing them and it certainly does not stop her from worrying about them. My father has seen all of his kids grow to adulthood and has, in his own way, been very supportive of our choices. He was not always emotionally present, but he is a good dad to me now, as an adult, and he loves my child and dotes on her. They had some hard years, and I know that taking help from their parents was hard on their egos, but they did it for as long as they had to.

When I think of my childhood, I remember the beautiful handmade sweaters my mom made for us. I remember learning how to cook healthy and delicious food that, while it was usually "different" from what my peers ate, is stuff I still cook to this day. I remember the theme song of "All Things Considered" and will forever associate it with helping one of my parents make dinner. I remember my father taking me to record stores and teaching me how to work a record player. I remember reading my way through the library of the small town where he got his first teaching job.

I am grateful every day that my parents were able to protect me from many of the things other PPs experienced.