I am a spuse that cheats, Ask me anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with pp who thought it was a copy of Up in the Air.

I haven't seen that movie but surely you get that this is probably the most common cheating story out there?

[Anonymous]

YHL wrote:So your father who was a good man had an affair, and you now have no relationship with him??

I have no relationship with him.

He was considered "a good man," in the sense that he paid the bills, sent us to private school, committed no crime, kept the house looking nice, etc. But he had an affair that *destroyed* our family. It is simply too painful to communicate with him, especially because he expresses little remorse for what he did. He justified, and I believe that he still continues to justify, the affair as something that was between him and our mother and that it was an adult issue. My sister and I were not/are not gullible kids. We knew it was total BS. Anything that family member does that is this significant affects the whole family. After we left the house for college, we stopped talking to him. We communicate by phone maybe twice a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you so sure you will not get caught? As someone who was cheated on I can tell you that I knew in my gut something was wrong, without any proof. It is a crazy feeling, knowing something is wrong and trying to convince yourself you are making it up. How do you rectify potentially causing your husband to feel this way? your kids to feel this way?

He shouldn't decide that his electronics, his TV and his friends are all more important than I am. That I can't possibly ask for something in the bedroom that I showed no interest in before. That it's totally okay to limit my sex life to his own. Tremendous resentment on my part. I don't like being controlled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

YHL wrote:So your father who was a good man had an affair, and you now have no relationship with him??

I have no relationship with him.

He was considered "a good man," in the sense that he paid the bills, sent us to private school, committed no crime, kept the house looking nice, etc. But he had an affair that *destroyed* our family. It is simply too painful to communicate with him, especially because he expresses little remorse for what he did. He justified, and I believe that he still continues to justify, the affair as something that was between him and our mother and that it was an adult issue. My sister and I were not/are not gullible kids. We knew it was total BS. Anything that family member does that is this significant affects the whole family. After we left the house for college, we stopped talking to him. We communicate by phone maybe twice a year.

Then please make sure you are a totally fulfilling spouse and sexual partner. Don't ever say no to your spouse and indulge him or her always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

YHL wrote:So your father who was a good man had an affair, and you now have no relationship with him??

I have no relationship with him.

He was considered "a good man," in the sense that he paid the bills, sent us to private school, committed no crime, kept the house looking nice, etc. But he had an affair that *destroyed* our family. It is simply too painful to communicate with him, especially because he expresses little remorse for what he did. He justified, and I believe that he still continues to justify, the affair as something that was between him and our mother and that it was an adult issue. My sister and I were not/are not gullible kids. We knew it was total BS. Anything that family member does that is this significant affects the whole family. After we left the house for college, we stopped talking to him. We communicate by phone maybe twice a year.

Then please make sure you are a totally fulfilling spouse and sexual partner. Don't ever say no to your spouse and indulge him or her always.

Are you, in essence, blaming my mother for my father's irresponsible choices? It was his decision to cheat. There are more honorable ways of dealing with an unsatisfying sex life.

[Anonymous]

PP with the father who had an affair - would you mind sharing what was so explosive about it that you won't speak to him years later? No judgement, just curious. My husband cheated on me and I can guarantee you my kids have no idea and we did stay together. Of course it wasn't my fault in the least but we were both pretty unhappy with the relationship by that point. There are things I could have done better and we have both improved our relationship skills significantly since. That said, I was trying to improve our relationship in every way I knew how at that time while he chose to shut down and have an affair. So I 100% agree that it was not at all your mother's fault. Anyway, just curious what the story was if you're up for sharing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you so sure you will not get caught? As someone who was cheated on I can tell you that I knew in my gut something was wrong, without any proof. It is a crazy feeling, knowing something is wrong and trying to convince yourself you are making it up. How do you rectify potentially causing your husband to feel this way? your kids to feel this way?

He shouldn't decide that his electronics, his TV and his friends are all more important than I am. That I can't possibly ask for something in the bedroom that I showed no interest in before. That it's totally okay to limit my sex life to his own. Tremendous resentment on my part. I don't like being controlled.

it is your decision to cheat instead of confront these issues. You didn't even answer the questions I asked, just made excuses for your bad behavior. It takes two people to kill a relationship or make it work- but only one to cheat and disrespect it. Stop avoiding the question and explain how you still respect your husband and cheat. if you don't that you are just being selfish.

[Anonymous]

PP with the cheating dad, I honestly agree with your dad that his and your mom's relationship is between them. It's business for adults, and at least in my opinion, it's irresponsible parenting to bring the kids into that particular war. Fine, it destroyed your family because your mom was angry/hurt/betrayed (all of which is totally legitimate), but unless your dad was abandoning the family in other ways, I don't think that his treatment of your mom says all that much about his relationship with you.

For what it's worth, my mom cheated when I was a kid (maybe 7 or 8). I found out about it when I was 20. She and my dad divorced when I was 10, and I believe that my mom's affair did have plenty to do with why they split. Her reasons for cheating also had a lot to do with the divorce - 10 years later, she told me that she just was not in love with my dad, that it was a stay together for the kids arrangement, and when it became unsustainable and they didn't even like each other anymore, they felt it was better to split up than to stay together. What she told me was that she had felt that way for a long time and that those feelings (or lack of feelings) were pretty much why she cheated. She met someone who she really did love. They did not stay together, because ultimately, she chose her kids. I'm sure that my dad was hurt and angry and felt betrayed. I know from the divorce proceedings that he thought she was an unfit mother who made terrible decisions (we disagreed on that at the time and continue to disagree 20 years later). What he did not do was tell us, as children (I have two younger siblings) all the details about why they were separating. They both made efforts not to demonize each other to us.

I understand why you think that "anything significant a family member does affects the whole family" and I agree that it does affect "the whole family". I also believe that there is a relationship between a husband and wife that is entirely separate from their children - they have to be able to relate to each other as lovers, as friends, in addition to co-parents. There is also a relationship between individual parents and children that is separate from the family unit, or at least there should be, in my opinion. What your father did violated the family relationship. It violated his relationship with your mom. It didn't have to destroy your and your sister's individual relationships with him forever, and I'm sorry that it did.

Disclaimer: I am not a cheater, do not plan to be a cheater, and do not support cheating. I also think that there are reasons that people engage in affairs that point to legitimate reasons. It's not all just slutting about for the hell of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you give your spouse a chance to try to fulfill your needs? Have you lied to your spouse (not omitted the truth but flat-out lied)? How long were you together before you started cheating? What do you think your spouse woud do if he/she found out (assuming proof and you weren't able to deny)? Is your spouse happy with the marriage? Is there anything your spouse could have done differently to have you be faithful?

Yes, my spouse fulfill the needs and those of his role. I have not said I am going to xyz and actually go to see lover. Together a few years before I started cheating. I would deny it, with any proof provided I would deny it. Yes spouse is happy and so am I. I don't think so, I think this is my vice, like a drug user, drinker, hoarder etc

I just felt the need to point out that you slipped up on page 9 of this thread. So the big reveal to me was pretty pointless...

If you reread it, I was referring to my husband role, he fulfills the need of a husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you give your spouse a chance to try to fulfill your needs? Have you lied to your spouse (not omitted the truth but flat-out lied)? How long were you together before you started cheating? What do you think your spouse woud do if he/she found out (assuming proof and you weren't able to deny)? Is your spouse happy with the marriage? Is there anything your spouse could have done differently to have you be faithful?

Yes, my spouse fulfill the needs and those of his role. I have not said I am going to xyz and actually go to see lover. Together a few years before I started cheating. I would deny it, with any proof provided I would deny it. Yes spouse is happy and so am I. I don't think so, I think this is my vice, like a drug user, drinker, hoarder etc

I just felt the need to point out that you slipped up on page 9 of this thread. So the big reveal to me was pretty pointless...

If you reread it, I was referring to my husband role, he fulfills the need of a husband.

I am aware of what you were referring to, but you gave away that you have a husband or that you spouse was man was my point - 2 or 3 pages before your big reveal... you really do have communication issues OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I doubt OP is in sales... She's such a terrible communicator!!!!

I guess that's why DH won't fulfill her. She can barely express herself.

why? because I type fast answers and you don't apporve of what i do?

No.

You don't capitalize, your punctuation is messed up and you can't organize your thoughts very well. I couldn't care less about your character, though. I'm (all of us, actually) just struggling to understand what you're saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you give your spouse a chance to try to fulfill your needs? Have you lied to your spouse (not omitted the truth but flat-out lied)? How long were you together before you started cheating? What do you think your spouse woud do if he/she found out (assuming proof and you weren't able to deny)? Is your spouse happy with the marriage? Is there anything your spouse could have done differently to have you be faithful?

Yes, my spouse fulfill the needs and those of his role. I have not said I am going to xyz and actually go to see lover. Together a few years before I started cheating. I would deny it, with any proof provided I would deny it. Yes spouse is happy and so am I. I don't think so, I think this is my vice, like a drug user, drinker, hoarder etc

I just felt the need to point out that you slipped up on page 9 of this thread. So the big reveal to me was pretty pointless...

If you reread it, I was referring to my husband role, he fulfills the need of a husband.

I am aware of what you were referring to, but you gave away that you have a husband or that you spouse was man was my point - 2 or 3 pages before your big reveal... you really do have communication issues OP

THIS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you think your children will react if/when they learn about your cheating on their mother?

Did I say I was the husband?

They will react hwo they want. I can't control their emotions.

Not the PP but, when they find out (because they will) what do you expect from them?

I'm the daughter of a cheating parent and I was very very surprised with my parent's expectations... Just wondering about you.

how will they find out?

PP who asked this question here.

I don't know how old your children are but a spouse that cheats usually thinks they're smart than anybody else and soon enough they start "relaxing" the rules of the relationship. One ATM withdraw here, a lost receipt there... You guys get overconfident and you think everybody else around you is dumb and that's when you fall.

I was 15 when I found out about my parent. And still you didn't answer my question. What behavior do you expect from your children once they find out you're a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Has anything anyone said on this thread about the harm you are doing to your loved ones resonated with you at all OP?

[Anonymous]

How old are you and your lover?