DD wants to transfer out of top university but DH won't allow it

[Anonymous]

My DC attended an Ivy and was miserable. Started out as a math major and by beginning of junior year switched the minor to the major and math the minor. I initially wasn’t thrilled with the decision but turned out to be a smart move. DC stayed at the Ivy but absolutely refused to attend an Ivy law school. Presently at a good public law school making great grades, good friends, social life when possible, and outside activities. DC says the law study group is great and not brutally competitive as the Ivy where DC graduated from.

This is just my DC’s experience, and though hindsight is 20/20, I would have encouraged a transfer where DC would have had a good academic and a better personal match. DC told us over the holiday really is enjoying school much more than undergrad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she surrounded by competitive Asian math nerds who grind and have no fun?

Thanks for chiming in with your racism.

Math isn't about grinding actually. That's not who it attracts. It's not the same mindset as premeds have.

NP. Can you say more about this? Who does math attract? My DC is in hs and really likes math and is thinking about majoring in it, and this thread is making me a bit nervous. DC is very focused on going to an Ivy and I worry about the best college fit, not the best college per USNWR rankings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is being unreasonable and controlling. And it could affect their relationship, as well as her mental health.

DH and I would be having it out BIGLY over this.

Honestly your DH sounds psycho. Where did he go and what's he doing? Does he know almost all of these colleges are a racket. Why not pay in state? I would be livid.

[Anonymous]

Unless she transfers to another ivy AND changes her major, she should stay put. It’s a couple years and decades explaining the transfer on her resume.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd push DD to keep trying to make it work this spring. She should try some applied math classes (e.g., physics or engineering) to see if she can find a crowd that fits her better. Perhaps try an on campus job and join different clubs. She could also try to get a research gig with a professor or look at off campus activities. She doesn't need hundreds of friends--just a few who get her.

She should also consider housing options for next year that would better fit her needs. Are there options that would make her less stressed? Often freshman housing is pretty bad, but it builds resilience and appreciation for better housing.

She's at a great school with lots of people and options. She needs to try harder to make it work. Being a transfer student isn't all roses--it can be hard to find your place when everyone else already has established friends. She needs to toughen up and make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she surrounded by competitive Asian math nerds who grind and have no fun?

Thanks for chiming in with your racism.

Math isn't about grinding actually. That's not who it attracts. It's not the same mindset as premeds have.

NP. Can you say more about this? Who does math attract? My DC is in hs and really likes math and is thinking about majoring in it, and this thread is making me a bit nervous. DC is very focused on going to an Ivy and I worry about the best college fit, not the best college per USNWR rankings.

I'm that PP. Math attracted people who were... really into math! It was collaborative because they were not all about grades and outcompeting each other. They generally took math classes that were just for math/physics/etc. concentrators and not people who just needed to check the box for their major.

I majored in a science that attracted a lot of premeds and that was brutal both for grades and because a lot of people weren't actually that excited about the classes/subjects, they were just taking them to fulfill the requirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a transfer student in college, I would encourage her to stay. The first semester sucks. I would encourage her to join clubs and get involved with other kids who are more fun. Also look at changing her major to something more enjoyable. As her mom, don’t feel bad for her. It is in these situations kids learn resiliency and grit. Life sucks sometimes! She can get through it.

This is terrible advice.

Changing one's major and toughing it out is not going to help the individual student. She needs & wants a different environment. Both Columbia University and New York City are extreme environments and neither offers a typical college experience.

Parents listen to your child and guide her to a better option; don't force her to remain in a bad relationship.

As I posted, I transferred colleges. Often times it isn’t the school that is the problem. Sometimes it is the person who is the problem and she will likely have similar problems at the new school because the environment changed but the person did not. She absolutely cannot make a good assessment after one semester!

[Anonymous]

Is there an update from OP? I want to know about conversations with DD and the purse-strings papa.

Please report back, OP! Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a transfer student in college, I would encourage her to stay. The first semester sucks. I would encourage her to join clubs and get involved with other kids who are more fun. Also look at changing her major to something more enjoyable. As her mom, don’t feel bad for her. It is in these situations kids learn resiliency and grit. Life sucks sometimes! She can get through it.

This is terrible advice.

Changing one's major and toughing it out is not going to help the individual student. She needs & wants a different environment. Both Columbia University and New York City are extreme environments and neither offers a typical college experience.

Parents listen to your child and guide her to a better option; don't force her to remain in a bad relationship.

As I posted, I transferred colleges. Often times it isn’t the school that is the problem. Sometimes it is the person who is the problem and she will likely have similar problems at the new school because the environment changed but the person did not. She absolutely cannot make a good assessment after one semester!

Wow ! Even more terrible advice. The OP's child is not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless she transfers to another ivy AND changes her major, she should stay put. It’s a couple years and decades explaining the transfer on her resume.

I'm confused why she will need to spend decades explaining the transfer.
Most resumes just say where you received your degree.....no need to state where you started out (unless you are really into the Ivy name-dropping, although that would probably mean you would not be considering transferring)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she surrounded by competitive Asian math nerds who grind and have no fun?

Thanks for chiming in with your racism.

Math isn't about grinding actually. That's not who it attracts. It's not the same mindset as premeds have.

NP. Can you say more about this? Who does math attract? My DC is in hs and really likes math and is thinking about majoring in it, and this thread is making me a bit nervous. DC is very focused on going to an Ivy and I worry about the best college fit, not the best college per USNWR rankings.

I'm that PP. Math attracted people who were... really into math! It was collaborative because they were not all about grades and outcompeting each other. They generally took math classes that were just for math/physics/etc. concentrators and not people who just needed to check the box for their major.

I majored in a science that attracted a lot of premeds and that was brutal both for grades and because a lot of people weren't actually that excited about the classes/subjects, they were just taking them to fulfill the requirement.

Math requires lots of hard work. The unflattering term for this is “grindy”. People won’t do that much work unless they’re really into it, but the fact remains you have to grind at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she surrounded by competitive Asian math nerds who grind and have no fun?

Thanks for chiming in with your racism.

Math isn't about grinding actually. That's not who it attracts. It's not the same mindset as premeds have.

NP. Can you say more about this? Who does math attract? My DC is in hs and really likes math and is thinking about majoring in it, and this thread is making me a bit nervous. DC is very focused on going to an Ivy and I worry about the best college fit, not the best college per USNWR rankings.

I'm that PP. Math attracted people who were... really into math! It was collaborative because they were not all about grades and outcompeting each other. They generally took math classes that were just for math/physics/etc. concentrators and not people who just needed to check the box for their major.

I majored in a science that attracted a lot of premeds and that was brutal both for grades and because a lot of people weren't actually that excited about the classes/subjects, they were just taking them to fulfill the requirement.

Math requires lots of hard work. The unflattering term for this is “grindy”. People won’t do that much work unless they’re really into it, but the fact remains you have to grind at it.

This is true for many majors in the sciences & in writing majors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she surrounded by competitive Asian math nerds who grind and have no fun?

Thanks for chiming in with your racism.

Math isn't about grinding actually. That's not who it attracts. It's not the same mindset as premeds have.

NP. Can you say more about this? Who does math attract? My DC is in hs and really likes math and is thinking about majoring in it, and this thread is making me a bit nervous. DC is very focused on going to an Ivy and I worry about the best college fit, not the best college per USNWR rankings.

I’d worry more about this part. Fine goal to aim for, but odds are even with perfect grades and scores that this won’t happen for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DC attended an Ivy and was miserable. Started out as a math major and by beginning of junior year switched the minor to the major and math the minor. I initially wasn’t thrilled with the decision but turned out to be a smart move. DC stayed at the Ivy but absolutely refused to attend an Ivy law school. Presently at a good public law school making great grades, good friends, social life when possible, and outside activities. DC says the law study group is great and not brutally competitive as the Ivy where DC graduated from.

This is just my DC’s experience, and though hindsight is 20/20, I would have encouraged a transfer where DC would have had a good academic and a better personal match. DC told us over the holiday really is enjoying school much more than undergrad.

It's a life lesson to make it work. Choosing a college is a big commitment and it has consequences, mainly that you have to attend that school. It's probably the biggest choice most 18 yos have ever made. Kudos to your daughter for sticking it out.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read every post but saw he would be okay with Michigan. Have her apply to transfer there. For sure less pressure and more typical college experience.