Feeling like a leper in Vienna- working mom-

[Anonymous]

I have an MBA and have an impressive resume before deciding to go more mommy track- but was working for a dot bomb and then had my first baby- went to SAHM for two years (then had my second) - and met people through moms clubs but it just seems like we didn't have that much in common- we had our kids and developmental age issues- but in general- the only ones I became closer to were ones that had once a career and truly thought they would pursue this later. So- after two years, I get a consulting gig p/t for a former employer (and WFH)- and this works great- until the economy crumbles and DH loses his job and severance dries up - I am offered a great paying family friendly job.. So- fast forward.. I have a kindergartner starting and I feel like there are less opportunities to participate and help out. I have been to pre-K playdates by our PTA where i am friends with SAHMs and once a new person meets me as a WM they just ignore me. I am not in grade school so I don't care- but I do care about being involved in my child's school and IF there is a social impact to her ( I would think more playdates) . Before anyone makes a judgmental statement about me and how maybe I'm not that accepted- I have really met those from former Preschools and misc- and we all get along well. And my K is well liked- I've seen it at lunch times (I go in to help with purchasing since it's a new thing in a big school but she's got a group of sweet girls that are all really nice to each other and help each other). So- are other moms in Vienna experiencing this (as WM or SAHM)?

[Anonymous]

My son is in first grade at an es in Vienna. I'm as SAHM and I've met lots of SAHMs and WMs at his school and I think I'm equally friendly to both groups. I will say that, in general, I only do after-school playdates with my son's friend that he's known since preschool. I have a great relationship with that family and it's just easier to do playdates with them because we know them. Other than that little boy, my son just plays with the kids on our street after school.

[Anonymous]

I'm a working mom in Vienna & I don't feel this way at all. My friends are a mix of SAHMs and PT & FT working moms. I find people to be really friendly & I don't feel like SAHMs have ever blown me off after finding out that I work. Re playdates, I really don't do them. I don't know if people perceive that as unfriendly, but I just don't have time for it and don't feel we need to do them on a regular basis. My kids play with each other or with neighbors, but we have enough other activities/sports that it's pretty rare for me to schedule a playdate.

[Anonymous]

For some reason, I get the feeling that in-town Vienna skews heavily SAHM, while FFX Vienna skews WM. You might want to try groups in non-town Vienna (otherwise known as Tysons Corner, etc.)

[Anonymous]

I'm a WOHM, used to live near Vienna. I think it's hard to do playdates with SAHM's because of the schedules. They're with their kids all day, their kids seem to go to bed earlier and they are free to do playdates during the day, and spend time with their husbands on weekends. I feel like working moms might put their kids to bed later because they haven't seen as much of them during the day, and weekends are fair game for playdates. It may not be a snub thing so much as a logistical thing. Try not to take it personally.

[Anonymous]

I am in FX and not anywhere near Vienna and have felt like this my kid's whole life. Welcome to the club. It really has not impacted my child's life. We began organized activities last year and she has loads of friends in school and out.

[Anonymous]

OP, you stayed at home for a few years, went back to work part time for a few years, then your husband lost his job, and you were able to relatively quickly find a well paying, family friendly job to support the family while your husband was unemployed/no severence?

I'd say thank your lucky stars, and don't worry about your child's playdate making opportunities because you can't help out at school.

Is your husband working yet? if not, let him do PTA duty and set up playdates.

[Anonymous]

Move to NW DC. I am a SAHM and feel freakish. Often times it is me and a bunch of nannies at play dates and the park.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a WOHM, used to live near Vienna. I think it's hard to do playdates with SAHM's because of the schedules. They're with their kids all day, their kids seem to go to bed earlier and they are free to do playdates during the day, and spend time with their husbands on weekends. I feel like working moms might put their kids to bed later because they haven't seen as much of them during the day, and weekends are fair game for playdates. It may not be a snub thing so much as a logistical thing. Try not to take it personally.

ki

I agree with this. I SAHM and my kids do playdates afterschool if they don't have an activity and rarely on weekends unless we are doing a get together as families-bbq type of thing. Weekends are generally for family time since my husband rarely sees the kids on the weekdays. I do have friends that work and those are often the ones we do family dinners with. I enjoy both groups of women and make an effort to be friendly with everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For some reason, I get the feeling that in-town Vienna skews heavily SAHM, while FFX Vienna skews WM. You might want to try groups in non-town Vienna (otherwise known as Tysons Corner, etc.)

I lived in-town Vienna and my wife WOH. there's also a difference in the various parts of out of town Vienna -- you can't argue that the culture of Vienna Metro townhouse land is the same as Lawyers/Beulah subdivision land, the SFH area to the SE of town, etc.

[Anonymous]

What about starting a working moms lunchgroup? Our elementary PTA advertises one for moms who work downtown. Maybe you could start one and then ask the PTA to list it on their newsletter?

[Anonymous]

Chances are you (or your DH) are going to have to be the ones to do the inviting for a while. I'm lucky enough to work from home one day a week so I ask my DC who he'd like to have over to play after school on that day and then I offer to pick up both kids from school and have them hang out at my house for an hour (while I'm checking last minute emails from work and getting dinner started). I think SAHMs probably don't realize that I can do playdates during the week - but once I started inviting kids over, their parents often reciprocated. Just make the effort!

[Anonymous]

OP, are you feeling like SAHMs are snubbing you/not including you, or that your child doesn't get invited for playdates? It's hard to tell from your post exactly what is bothering you.

I posted earlier, but I really don't do playdates. It's nothing personal, but we are really busy, including on weekends, and unless there's a reason my kid is absolutely dying to play with a particular kid outside of school, we just don't build that into our calendar. My kids don't even get off the bus until 4:20 and we have activities most nights, so there is no room for weekday playdates - they play outside in the yard or ride bikes, and if there are neighbor kids out, they play with them. And on weekends, we have other things going on most of the time.

Your kindergartener must be in school full-day. So are you looking for after-school playdates or weekends? I think people do weekend playdates when the kids are very young. But once sports & activities start up and you have older kids, there's not much time for that on weekends unless you are getting together with another family (ie, the parents all want to hang out together too!). Honestly, unless your child is asking to play with certain kids or is feeling lonely, I don't think you're missing much by not having a full playdate calendar.

If you yourself are feeling left out or disconnected from other moms, that's a different issue. But I have not experienced that in Vienna. (I work PT and we live outside the Town limits but close; our ES is inside the Town, so our friends are a good mix of people both in Town and outside. I don't see anything magical about the Town line being the cutoff for SAHMs, as PPs have alluded to). As far as getting involved, at our school there's no shortage of volunteer opportunities. Check your PTA's website and just volunteer for something. Choose a committee that handles a big project and take on a small role and you'll meet lots of people.

How's your neighborhood? Are there kids you child's age at the bus stop that you could connect with? Sometimes it's easier to invite a neighbor over since they're right there anyway.

[Anonymous]

There's a Vienna Moms group (VMI) and you can try that. I'm a Vienna mom, working, always have. I hate to be the one to do this: you sound awfully self-centered. I set up play dates for my kids based on who they are friends w/ and who's convenient, not on the accomplishments of the parents. I don't check out someone's resume before I ask them for a playdate or for coffee. Why are you mentioning all of that, anyway?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a Vienna Moms group (VMI) and you can try that. I'm a Vienna mom, working, always have. I hate to be the one to do this: you sound awfully self-centered. I set up play dates for my kids based on who they are friends w/ and who's convenient, not on the accomplishments of the parents. I don't check out someone's resume before I ask them for a playdate or for coffee. Why are you mentioning all of that, anyway?

OP here- thanks for all the suggestions and inisghts- you're right with FDK it is harder to schedule playdates anyway (though we have one for this Friday - DD gets to take the bus and see her buddy who is not in her class (PS friend)- she is SO excited).. we are walkers (but really kiss and ride). For the last PP- my point was that I felt that my degrees and the fact that I didn't get married until later (though I look younger) turned off some people. And visibly. They never heard any background just that I worked- poof- gone. Luckily, I found some niche with a small PTA group- I was recruited ((and gladly accepted) a big event for the PTA. So far, I'm open labor but I'll be busy two days for sure.