House in the suburbs but no kids?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I bought a house last year in the suburbs. We don't have kids yet, and are not planning to for awhile. My husband has gotten a lot of "flack" about this at work from nosy colleagues. They imply to him that they think it's ridiculous for a married couple without kids to move out to the 'burbs in a house of this size (it's a small office so everyone knows everyone else's business). Most of his colleagues in our age range live in condos or townhouses in Capitol Hill, Old Town, or Arlington.

As for me, I wait a long time after getting to know a new female friend before inviting her over (like at least 9 months) for fear of her reaction about the house and our living situation. Our new neighbors have been very cold and aloof towards us (no one even bothered to introduce themselves when we moved in; I still have barely met anyone in the neighborhood after a whole year), and we think it's because we're pretty much the only ones in the neighborhood without kids. And most people in the neighborhood have kids in middle and high school. We love the choice we've made but we sense others' strong disapproval. I'm interested to hear how others would perceive this situation.

[Anonymous]

Ok. So why are you posting it here? Live your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok. So why are you posting it here? Live your life.

Because DH is very bothered by the disapproval he gets from co-workers, and I'm interested to hear what others' perception of this situation would be because I'm self-conscious of it when meeting potential new friends--i.e. I don't feel comfortable inviting people over until I know them really, really well, though I love to entertain and would like to invite people over all the time. Just wondering what they might be thinking when they hear this. People are very quick to judge others and we've both been having a hard time making friends in the area since we moved here so I wonder if this is a part of it.

[Anonymous]

We bought a house in the 'burbs before we had our DS. People are/were very friendly to us. How often do you get outside to walk around the neighborhood? We have a dog and met a bunch of our neighbors during dog walks. Just get outside and say "hi" to everyone. No one cares whether you have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I bought a house last year in the suburbs. We don't have kids yet, and are not planning to for awhile. My husband has gotten a lot of "flack" about this at work from nosy colleagues. They imply to him that they think it's ridiculous for a married couple without kids to move out to the 'burbs in a house of this size (it's a small office so everyone knows everyone else's business). Most of his colleagues in our age range live in condos or townhouses in Capitol Hill, Old Town, or Arlington.

As for me, I wait a long time after getting to know a new female friend before inviting her over (like at least 9 months) for fear of her reaction about the house and our living situation. Our new neighbors have been very cold and aloof towards us (no one even bothered to introduce themselves when we moved in; I still have barely met anyone in the neighborhood after a whole year), and we think it's because we're pretty much the only ones in the neighborhood without kids. And most people in the neighborhood have kids in middle and high school. We love the choice we've made but we sense others' strong disapproval. I'm interested to hear how others would perceive this situation.

I live in a neighborhood with the houses practically on top of each other. I would have thought that when we were moving in, someone would come to say hi or when they saw us outside. Nope. Nada. I do have a child and I still have not made friends in my "the best place to live with kids" neighborhood. I don't relate to many of the people here. I mean, I do try, but my likes and many of their likes are vastly different. Perhaps that is what you are sensing?

[Anonymous]

16:41 here. I also meant to add:

Are you going out and getting involved in community activities or going to community rec centers? Before DS (when we actually had time to do these things... ) we played rec volleyball once a week and met a few folks there. Now that we have a baby, my husband invites them over to play volleyball at our house. We also met people at the pool when we were swimming regularly.

[Anonymous]

OP, we've been in your situation. It is really no one's business. People are REALLY REALLY REALLY (get the point) noisy and generally, not so happy in this area. You really have to get to a point within yourself that you say "what others think does not matter" and surround yourself with positive. If I believed half the sh*t that came out of jealous people's mouths.....welll, I just don't.

You sound like a young, vibrant, successful couple. Do not let anything get in between you. People will try because of their own unhappiness. They will not admit it. Do your best to find people more like you in smarts, ambition, achievements and accomplishments. I hate to sound cynical, but it only gets worse as some don't live up to their (AHEM their spouses!) expectations. This doesn't have anything to do with you. You are not responsible for other people shutting their mouths or deciding to be happy. They will never be happy, don't wait for it.

Keep living your life and try to find those most like you, those who have the ability to be happy for you (and you for them). Invite the happy people over, not the persnickity, up your business ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We bought a house in the 'burbs before we had our DS. People are/were very friendly to us. How often do you get outside to walk around the neighborhood? We have a dog and met a bunch of our neighbors during dog walks. Just get outside and say "hi" to everyone. No one cares whether you have kids.

This is just a very unfriendly neighborhood, the kind of neighborhood where when you are walking and you wave to someone they turn away and pretend like they didn't see you. I agree, having a dog would help but we're cat people. We are friendly to everyone but people ignore us when we're out. It would have been nice for our next door neighbors to show some interest in at least meeting their new neighbor once.

I guess the issue isn't just our neighbors--it's also people we're trying to become friends with.

[Anonymous]

OOPs nosy!

[Anonymous]

First - DH supported the decision when you guys made it so he just needs to man up. You're planning ahead and when you had the resources, you made a decision.

Second - I lived in my current place and while I saw neighbors in passing, nobody actually introduced themselves to me, I had to make the effort to say Hi to them while getting the mail or coming in from work. I live in a townhome on a private court. When I had kids, I was "in the club" and the Hey, we're having a picnic with the kids, or someone is having a bday party or do you want to go to the pool - it all started after the kids came. Don't take it personally, I suspect some of them think they don't know how to relate to you.

[Anonymous]

16:46 here. OP, it is not you! It is absolutely the area. More often than not, the neighbors are what you mention. We have been lucky a couple times in a couple neighborhoods, but mostly they are either nosy or pretend they don't see you, no in between.

Again, it is NOT you! Don't let the flamers tell you otherwise.

People here think that everyone wants something. I hate to say it, they are mostly right.

[TheManWithAUsername]

Anonymous wrote:Our new neighbors have been very cold and aloof towards us (no one even bothered to introduce themselves when we moved in; I still have barely met anyone in the neighborhood after a whole year), and we think it's because we're pretty much the only ones in the neighborhood without kids.

I think you're reading too much into this. I think that kind of thing is luck of the draw. Also, in my experience that kind of welcome, while very nice, is kind of like writing thank-you notes - it doesn't do much to advance real friendship.

Re the other people, screw 'em. If they have some problem with your house when you have them over, then hopefully they won't come back again and you won't have to know them. If you're feeling shame about your living situation, then get over it or change it - hiding it and avoiding it won't help.

[Anonymous]

We lived in our house two years exactly before trying for kids (and got pregnant quickly) so lived in the house almost 3 years before having one. A lot of people in the neighborhood were young families but we were 29 and 30 and not ready to have kids yet so we didn't feel like trying just because we had the house.

I never gave it a thought. I think you guys need to stop caring so much what other people think. If your husband is worried about this co-workers now, trust me when I say having kids will open up a whole new set of things for them to judge you on.

[Anonymous]

Would it change things if the house was huge? There's the chance that potential new friends could be intimidated and not want to be friends anymore. People in this area are quick to drop friends at the slightest thing. It's happened to me so many times.

[Anonymous]

I live in a neighborhood with the houses practically on top of each other. I would have thought that when we were moving in, someone would come to say hi or when they saw us outside. Nope. Nada. I do have a child and I still have not made friends in my "the best place to live with kids" neighborhood. I don't relate to many of the people here. I mean, I do try, but my likes and many of their likes are vastly different. Perhaps that is what you are sensing?

Really? You mean the suburbs aren't the bucolic, Mayberry-esque paradises everyone claims? Who knew?