House in the suburbs but no kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I bought a house last year in the suburbs. We don't have kids yet, and are not planning to for awhile. My husband has gotten a lot of "flack" about this at work from nosy colleagues. They imply to him that they think it's ridiculous for a married couple without kids to move out to the 'burbs in a house of this size (it's a small office so everyone knows everyone else's business). Most of his colleagues in our age range live in condos or townhouses in Capitol Hill, Old Town, or Arlington.

As for me, I wait a long time after getting to know a new female friend before inviting her over (like at least 9 months) for fear of her reaction about the house and our living situation. Our new neighbors have been very cold and aloof towards us (no one even bothered to introduce themselves when we moved in; I still have barely met anyone in the neighborhood after a whole year), and we think it's because we're pretty much the only ones in the neighborhood without kids. And most people in the neighborhood have kids in middle and high school. We love the choice we've made but we sense others' strong disapproval. I'm interested to hear how others would perceive this situation.

Can't you meet people at Applebees?

(Sorry, couldn't resist. Carry on.)

[Anonymous]

your husband is a puss. Why would he possibly care what his coworkers think about his housing choices? people can live wherever they want. we have a nice young couple on our street with no kids (suburban vienna), so I assume they plan to have kids but its certainly none of my beezwax.

as for the neighbors - people don't have a lot of parties or whatever you were expecting. maybe you will chat with someone while out walking your dog or when getting the mail, but we might have neighbors over to grill out once every summer. certainly not a common thing. you move to the suburbs to get some peace and quiet, not to have swinger orgies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok. So why are you posting it here? Live your life.

Because DH is very bothered by the disapproval he gets from co-workers, and I'm interested to hear what others' perception of this situation would be because I'm self-conscious of it when meeting potential new friends--i.e. I don't feel comfortable inviting people over until I know them really, really well, though I love to entertain and would like to invite people over all the time. Just wondering what they might be thinking when they hear this. People are very quick to judge others and we've both been having a hard time making friends in the area since we moved here so I wonder if this is a part of it.

Well, since you ask . . . I think it's kinda ridiculous myself, and would never, never do it (and never did, despite having the means and opportunity). And if I was in your husband's office, I'd likely tease him about it. But it'd just be teasing - despite frequent snarky comments, I do recognize that not everyone values the same things I do. And I certainly wouldn't not be your friend because of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok. So why are you posting it here? Live your life.

Because DH is very bothered by the disapproval he gets from co-workers, and I'm interested to hear what others' perception of this situation would be because I'm self-conscious of it when meeting potential new friends--i.e. I don't feel comfortable inviting people over until I know them really, really well, though I love to entertain and would like to invite people over all the time. Just wondering what they might be thinking when they hear this. People are very quick to judge others and we've both been having a hard time making friends in the area since we moved here so I wonder if this is a part of it.

Well, since you ask . . . I think it's kinda ridiculous myself, and would never, never do it (and never did, despite having the means and opportunity). And if I was in your husband's office, I'd likely tease him about it. But it'd just be teasing - despite frequent snarky comments, I do recognize that not everyone values the same things I do. And I certainly wouldn't not be your friend because of it.

Thanks for your honesty, I appreciate it. Would you decide not to be friends with me if when you came over you saw that it was a McMansion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok. So why are you posting it here? Live your life.

Because DH is very bothered by the disapproval he gets from co-workers, and I'm interested to hear what others' perception of this situation would be because I'm self-conscious of it when meeting potential new friends--i.e. I don't feel comfortable inviting people over until I know them really, really well, though I love to entertain and would like to invite people over all the time. Just wondering what they might be thinking when they hear this. People are very quick to judge others and we've both been having a hard time making friends in the area since we moved here so I wonder if this is a part of it.

Well, since you ask . . . I think it's kinda ridiculous myself, and would never, never do it (and never did, despite having the means and opportunity). And if I was in your husband's office, I'd likely tease him about it. But it'd just be teasing - despite frequent snarky comments, I do recognize that not everyone values the same things I do. And I certainly wouldn't not be your friend because of it.

Thanks for your honesty, I appreciate it. Would you decide not to be friends with me if when you came over you saw that it was a McMansion?

NOBODY CARES!

[Anonymous]

OP, NEVER hand out with someone who uses the word McMansion. Rule number one.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your honesty, I appreciate it. Would you decide not to be friends with me if when you came over you saw that it was a McMansion?

Of course I still would be friends with you. I have never once decided not to be friends with someone because of the type of house they live in. I suspect that's true for most people. (To be honest, I have some dark moments where I secretly desire the 6 BR, 4.5 bath house with a living room, family room, finished basement, 2 car garage, and pretty yard with a swing-set house on a cul-de-sac. It passes - quickly - but I do get it.) If everyone agreed with me, the world would be a better place, but pretty boring. And my house would have been a lot more expensive.

Good-natured ribbing aside, if someone really doesn't want to be your friend because of the size, location or finishes of your house, you're better off without them. (You would HAVE to be able to take a joke about it, though. Feel free to respond that I live in the burglary capital of the DC metro area, that I've already had my car stolen once, and that I'm a complete poser because I'll likely be in the burbs myself once my kid gets into middle school. I can take it.)

Re your neighbors with kids - it's tough finding time to meet and get to know new people, and it's hard enough getting together with long-time childless friends, much less making new ones. I'm horrified to realize the last three dinners out have been with the parents of my daughter's friends (sometimes with the with kids, sometimes without). They're all really great people, and I envision being good friend with them for years to come, but I haven't seen my college roomate, who lives 10 minutes away, in 3 months. Aargh. So it may be just busy-ness, or they may assume you have different priorities. I like the 2 single women who live next to me very much, but it would never occur to me to try to do something with them.

If your neighbors pointedly ignore you, or have a block party/BBQ and don't invite you, then they just suck. Some people do. I hope you don't live next to them.

[Anonymous]

I may be the lone dissenting voice here but I think it's a little weird. Of course I wouldn't refuse to be friends with you or anything ridiculous, and people have their own financial situations and living situations and whatever, but I think a young couple in a big suburban house with no kids is a little strange. It does IMO depend on the size of the house. If it's a townhouse or one of those small-ish Bethesda Cape Cods, for example, I wouldn't think it was that weird. But if it's a big house in a neighborhood with mostly older people, I might think it seemed a little off. I wouldn't really care, though.

I do have friends who did this and didn't think much of it, as they wanted and could afford their "forever" house a bit early, so they bought it. But they then had trouble conceiving (eventually did) and I think it made the giant house seem even emptier. And mutual friends did comment, before they had kids, that they didn't quite get why they lived there.

[Anonymous]

Oops. "hang".

[Anonymous]

OP, it is tough for many people to take that you are doing better than them, or that they even THINK you might be. People are rude. It's not you.

[Anonymous]

I don't get it because it's not what I would want, but I couldn't care less if this was what you decided was best for you and your hubby and would not judge you. I also probably wouldn't go to your house because I would hate driving too far, but that's just me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I may be the lone dissenting voice here but I think it's a little weird. Of course I wouldn't refuse to be friends with you or anything ridiculous, and people have their own financial situations and living situations and whatever, but I think a young couple in a big suburban house with no kids is a little strange. It does IMO depend on the size of the house. If it's a townhouse or one of those small-ish Bethesda Cape Cods, for example, I wouldn't think it was that weird. But if it's a big house in a neighborhood with mostly older people, I might think it seemed a little off. I wouldn't really care, though.

I do have friends who did this and didn't think much of it, as they wanted and could afford their "forever" house a bit early, so they bought it. But they then had trouble conceiving (eventually did) and I think it made the giant house seem even emptier. And mutual friends did comment, before they had kids, that they didn't quite get why they lived there.

Thank you for your honesty. I guess I'm concerned about this because we're newbies to the area and we're trying to make new friends (been here for 4 years). It's a big house. It's not something I would worry about with established friends, but when you're trying to make new friends, you start to wonder if something like this is going to turn them off. That's why I have been waiting so long to invite people over, until I feel really, really comfortable with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I live in a neighborhood with the houses practically on top of each other. I would have thought that when we were moving in, someone would come to say hi or when they saw us outside. Nope. Nada. I do have a child and I still have not made friends in my "the best place to live with kids" neighborhood. I don't relate to many of the people here. I mean, I do try, but my likes and many of their likes are vastly different. Perhaps that is what you are sensing?

Really? You mean the suburbs aren't the bucolic, Mayberry-esque paradises everyone claims? Who knew?

Oh, I fully expected people to be like this when I moved in here. I like how easy it is to walk to restaurants and shopping. Of course I could get that in the city, but I am not a city person. Actually, after being here for almost 3 years, we are now looking to buy a house with an acre or two of land and no HOA. This place is Pleasantville meets the Stepford wives....I am the "trashy" oddball with tattoos and curly hair who is actually nice to people.

[Anonymous]

Just depends on the neighborhood, I guess. I live in a very small development where there are social gatherings regularly....wine club, bunco, etc. But, I've also lived in a neighborhood for 10 years where our neighbors were just plain cold.

These days, you have to scope out your neighborhoods real good...not just schools, but socially. People are just not as neighborly as they used to be....it's just too transient of an area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Thank you for your honesty. I guess I'm concerned about this because we're newbies to the area and we're trying to make new friends (been here for 4 years). It's a big house. It's not something I would worry about with established friends, but when you're trying to make new friends, you start to wonder if something like this is going to turn them off. That's why I have been waiting so long to invite people over, until I feel really, really comfortable with them.

OP, this shouldn't matter, ideally, you would want to make friends with people who accept you for who are, right? not people who are going to judge you for your choices.

Sharing a common view of life and having common interests is what gets a frienship off the ground and allows it to thrive. So if your big house in the 'burbs is going to turn somebody off, then I'd imagine you wouldn't want to be friends with that person.