Anyone with a mom who had you over 40?

[Anonymous]

I just had a child at 41 and am curious as to what our relationship will be like because of my age. If your mother had you over 40, could you describe how it affected your relationship and her parenting?

[Anonymous]

It's no fun having an old hag for a mother.

[Anonymous]

She was older than all my friends' moms so her friends were from our church.

I still remember how far apart we were because of the huge gap between generations - my friends with young moms all had fashionable clothing, cool hair styles and accessories, the latest videogames, the newest cool toys while I had "just the necessary". I went to private school while all the neighborhood and church kids went public so I was feelin out everywhere, including in school.

Now, 30 years later I know exactly what she had in mind. It sucked back then but now I understand. Our relationship started improving when I graduated from college and saw where I was compared to the "cool kids". And it's even better now that I'm mom myself.

[Anonymous]

My mom was 38 and the one thing that made a difference is that she wasn't really friends with my friends' moms (who were friends with each other). She also looked older, which I remember being self-conscious about when I was younger. But now she is just amazing with me, my kids, my siblings' kids, etc. Her wisdom made me wiser, and she is a huge part of my life.

Now, however, the "issues" i had with an "older" mom aren't really going to affect your kids, because nearly everyone I know started having kids at an older age....plus, 40 is the new 30, etc. etc. Honestly, I don't see it as being an issue at all.

[Anonymous]

My mom was tired. I was number 5, though and she was from a different generation of parenting. Very hands-off. I'm okay with it and I am an older mom, too but not tired and not hands-off.

[Anonymous]

I'm a new mom in my 40's. My strongest encouragement came from my dad; his mom (my grandma) was 42 when she had him. They had a close relationship; he was younger than his sibs and very close to both parents. Out of her 6 grandkids, I'm the one who went solo in the summer to visit her. He never thought of her as old but as a wonderful mom.
PS: why aren't you asking about dad ages?

[Anonymous]

My mom was 39 when she had me. As a kid, I mostly respected the ways that being older made her different. For example, she remembered when the small town she had lived in was electrified. She studied airplane shapes so they could look out for enemy aircraft during WW2. She remembered when margarine was sold as a white substance with a packet of yellow dye to mix into it. She had some wartime frugality that was totally missing from my friends' parents, who seemed comparatively flaky to me (for focusing on things like hair, makeup, and status stuff like cars). She came from another era.

For those of us who are 40ish and now having kids: We grew up in a world without cellphones, internet, or email. But a peer of my kids' who has 27 year old parents, well, those parents pretty much did grow up with all those things. They'll just have a different perspective to share.

The things I didn't like at the time about my parents being older were: They were very old-school about saving money and not buying extra stuff. We did not get to eat the latest junk food sensations very often. TV was very limited. Of course, looking back, I appreciate those things.

Luckily, my mom is a healthy 80 year old. She's a huge help to me in raising my kids. We're very close, although we do bicker about stupid stuff.

My dad, on the other hand, is a not-so-healthy 80 year old and its hard to deal with figuring out his elderly life transitions (nursing home?) while having 2 very young kids.

[Anonymous]

My Mom was 41 when she had me. My parents had thought they couldn't have children (had tried for over 10 years without success) and had given up, so I was their "blessing". Mom was fit and looked good for her age, so I never really cared that she seemed a bit older than my peers' parents. I was the only one I knew whose mom was over 35 or so who wasn't the last of a bunch of kids, that was one difference but I didn't care.

However, she died unexpectedly and suddenly when I was 13.

[Anonymous]

Interesting post OP. I had mine at 41 and 44 and my mother had me at 40. So I can offer some valid comments here.

First, even in this area, you will notice that you are older than most of your child's friend's parents. I've found that most moms in my circle are 8 - 10 years younger. It's not really such a big deal, but certain things do make you wince.... like when they all carry on about how dramatic it is to turn 40 and you're staring down 50.

I remember once when I was in a group of parents in one of my kids' preschools. One of the dads brought up some school fad that, apparently, everyone across the country who was in high school in 1987 or so, was into or at least knew about. The entire group -- people who were about the same age but had grown up all over the country -- started laughing and talking about it... and I had no idea WTH they were talking about, as I was already out of college at that point! You'll get a lot of subtle reminders like that but in the day to day, it's not so bad.

As far as having older parents, I do remember being self-conscious that mine were SO MUCH OLDER than everyone elses. But that was many years ago and in a more conservative part of the country where people typically had their kids in their 20s. I'd like to think it won't be such an issue for my two coming along, because after all I look so much younger than my mom did at my age (ha ha) but I'm probably just kidding myself....!

[Anonymous]

12:47 here...

PP reminded me that I also was self conscious about my mom's appearance compared to the other moms but that lasted not very long.

And it was sad to grow up with just one grandparent

[Anonymous]

My mom gave birth at 39 with me, 40 with my sibling. I don't remember being self conscious about her age, but I remember noticing it. But in a good way. A lot of my friends' parents were still building their careers (less money, long hours/paying dues, etc.) while my parents had established careers (more money, less hours). I guess we have good genes, but my grandmother babysat me (and her great-grandkids) with no troubles. And now my mother babysits her grandkids, even though she's getting close to 80. And she does a great job. She LOVES kids. She and my dad were both very active in our childhood years (volunteered at school, baseball coaches, babysat our friends, etc.). So, I wouldn't say age had much to do with our relationship growing up.

The only time I noticed a big difference because of my parents' ages came a puberty. My parents grew up before the sexual revolution, and I grew up after it. They were so uncomfortable talking about sex, menstruation, dating, etc. But it seems like a lot of parents are uncomfortable talking about sex with their kids, so maybe that's not really an age thing either.

[Anonymous]

My mother was 40 when she had me, which was pretty unusual then (early 70s). I think her age had more of an impact on her than on me--in ways both good (she became friendly with a number of younger women) and bad (people would sometimes mistake her for my grandmother, especially as the years passed). And it used to make her cringe when people would ask, "How old are you, little girl?" and I would answer "I'm 4 and my mommy's 44, when I'm 5 my mommy will be 45, when I'm 6..." though we all laughed about it when I grew up. Otherwise, I think our relationship when I was little was the same as that of my friends with younger mothers--loving, fun, etc.

The primary other effect (and one that you will surely not like to hear) is that my mother, obviously, became "old" before most of my peers' mothers and she died last year, leaving me too soon (not that it's ever the right age to lose your mom, but I feel cheated that my young kids will never get to know her, for example, and that she was too infirm to help me with my babies). Also, she had some serious health problems during her last couple of years and it was very stressful for both of us having me run back and forth between the ER/nursing home/etc. and my nursing newborn. Sadly, I think that very few people anticipate this type of sandwich-generation stress that will surely become more common as women today have children much later in life and those children grow up with older parents (fathers too, not just mothers). I'm sure many of their children will end up in my situation, unfortunately. I say this not to criticize anyone's choices (or random luck related to timing of marriage or fertility), simply that we as families and as a larger society need to prepare for this looming crisis. Sorry for the cheery note...just being honest about my experience as the child of an older parent.

[Anonymous]

My mom has more energy then me, at 77 she travels the world, cleans, cooks and runs around with my kids to no end. I hope I can come close to her but I don't think I will, I am in my 40's now and I am tired out chasing two little ones.. then again, I don't think I ever had her energy level. I take after my dad...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's no fun having an old hag for a mother.

You're going to be an old hag one day, too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The primary other effect (and one that you will surely not like to hear) is that my mother, obviously, became "old" before most of my peers' mothers and she died last year, leaving me too soon (not that it's ever the right age to lose your mom, but I feel cheated that my young kids will never get to know her, for example, and that she was too infirm to help me with my babies). Also, she had some serious health problems during her last couple of years and it was very stressful for both of us having me run back and forth between the ER/nursing home/etc. and my nursing newborn. Sadly, I think that very few people anticipate this type of sandwich-generation stress that will surely become more common as women today have children much later in life and those children grow up with older parents (fathers too, not just mothers). I'm sure many of their children will end up in my situation, unfortunately. I say this not to criticize anyone's choices (or random luck related to timing of marriage or fertility), simply that we as families and as a larger society need to prepare for this looming crisis. Sorry for the cheery note...just being honest about my experience as the child of an older parent.

My mom had me at an older age as well and this is the only (though big) downside. It's tough having aging parents and taking care of small children at the same time. Other than that, I don't think our relationship was too different than that of my friends when I was growing up.