Do women expect a ring at 1 year?

[Anonymous]

Lolz wait til y’all have HG / high risk / preeclampsia / traumatic birth / colicky / disabled child. The universe has plans for smug folks like yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound a bit clueless and immature, which is why your family is probably pushing you to propose. She probably seems really great to them, and you probably seem clueless or passive to them.

First of all, stop talking about “what my family believes” in terms of marriage. What do YOU believe? What do you think is the recipe for a successful lifelong relationship, and what is YOUR agency in creating that?

Second of all, you do not in fact have infinite time. As men approach and pass 40 their options do narrow (albeit less than women) and as your sperm ages the risk of birth defects & disabilities for your kids increases. So you should seriously consider whether a woman like your girlfriend is replaceable.

If you like her and your family likes her that’s the way to go. The deep dark recesses of MIL vs DIL DCUM is a place you don’t want to be in

[Anonymous]

Ugh I'd dump you. At 35 you know. Sh&t or get off the pot.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Of course not. If we are interested in marriage, we will broach the conversation. If she hasn’t or hasn’t advanced the conversation, how presumptuous are you to think she’s even interested in marriage, much less to you?

OP here. We have talked marriage and babies and she wants those things. She doesn’t want kids until at least 30 because of her career. She has said she is no rush. She also values marriage and takes it seriously.

Right. So you need to open your eyes to her timeline. If you propose today, then she's on track to have a kid in her early 30s. If you delay, that pushes it back. Did you ask her how old she's willing to be, as a parent? And how old she's willing to have YOU be?

It seems like you're an avoidant attachment type, and you're avoiding marriage, and you avoided your last relationship, and you're likely to continue to avoid marriage and then to avoid having kids, and then to avoid parenting them. And you're full of rationalizations and excuses about work and big decisions and your family's opinions (why that matters is a mystery to me), but the bottom line is that if you wanted to marry her, you'd be getting ready to propose. Not asking people on the internet to validate your reasons to delay.

Again, how old a dad do you want to be?

OP here. Definitely not. I’m not avoidant of marriage. I just value it.

She doesn’t have an issue with my age. She has even said she only dates men older because men her age are too immature or not financially wise yet. She has her stuff together, and needed a man who does, too.

I never said I wouldn’t marry her. If she wanted marriage tomorrow, I would give her a ring, but she isn’t in a rush. I don’t see the issue of giving our relationship another year before getting engaged. Ideally we also live together.

What exactly is your question? You are ready to propose today but think she’s bluffing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By second anniversary, there should be a ring in most cases.

100% or you are wasting her precious young years.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My 1 year anniversary with my girlfriend is coming up shortly, and I’m being hounded by family and friends to propose to her. My parents have told me to not let her get away, as well as many of my closest friends. My girlfriend and I have had a great relationship but I’m just not ready. I love her but I feel 1 year is too short to make a lifelong commitment, and I don’t see the rush.

It depends. If you are 20, your hesitation makes sense, if you are 30+, she'll move on. Your hesitation tell me either she isn't the one for you or you like to browse not shop hoping someone better would come up. In the end you'll find your soul mate or just compromise and settle out of fear with whoever is around and willing.

OP here. I’ve never felt this way about anyone else. I definitely see myself building a future with her.

I believe who you marry is the most important decision you will ever make. It’s scary to think about making that decision with a woman I’ve only known for a year. It can work out but two couples I know who met and married in less than 2 years are both going through a divorce. One even has a 15 month old baby.

My family doesn’t believe in divorce. Marriage is a lifelong commitment so you better get it right.

You don't need your family's permission to propose, marry or divorce. You are a legal adult,not a teenager. Make your own decisions. That being said, she sounds like a good catch and unless there is a red flag, don't let lack of commitment push her away.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I would say year 2 is when women expect a ring.

I really don't think living together helps you know the person much more than anything else.

OP here. This is more my timeline. I would like to live together in the next 6 months and be engaged by 2 years. Then a year of engagement. Maybe 1 year of marriage and then kids.

Okay, so you'll be 37 by the time you're engaged. 38 by the time you marry. 39 before you start TRYING for a baby. 40 when the baby is born. 42 at best when the second baby is born.

I dunno, man, honestly I would not choose that for my children.

OP here. I just turned 35 in April. I will be 37 when married and first kid at 38/39.

I find it funny so many people are commenting on age when this forum is filled with couples who waited until 35+ to marry and have kids. So many other threads encouraging people to have kids at my age and saying it’s not too late.

That’s for people who are settling for whatever they can find at their advanced age

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I would say year 2 is when women expect a ring.

I really don't think living together helps you know the person much more than anything else.

OP here. This is more my timeline. I would like to live together in the next 6 months and be engaged by 2 years. Then a year of engagement. Maybe 1 year of marriage and then kids.

Perhaps share this timeline with your girlfriend to see if she’s on the same page.

OP said the girlfriend just turned 28. So he's not even going to propose until she's 30. Then she'll be 31 before they marry. Then she'll be 32 before they even start trying to have a baby. So 33, at best. Second baby at 35, at best, so she's advanced maternal age. If she wants a third kid, it might be dicey.

And the big risk here is that the girlfriend is putting her prime childbearing years at risk for a man who is avoidant and may or may not ever propose and may or may not be willing to have a baby when the time comes.

What's your philosophical belief on IVF, by the way, OP? Since you're headed for fertility trouble at the rate you're going.

More importantly what’s your budget for it? It costs anywhere from $1-300k

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I hope you and your girlfriend work out and make the best decision for you both. But you do seem to be on some kind of odd moral high horse. Everyone else you know seems to have done it “wrong” but you’ve convinced yourself you’re doing it all right. It reeks of insecurity and you might want to address that in either individual or joint therapy. In order to get married and have kids, you’ll have to learn to compromise - a LOT - and think outside of yourself.

You are also 35 and far too worried about what your family and others think. Who cares what anyone else besides the two of you think? You’re fully functional adults.

OP here. I never said others have done it wrong. I actually look up to parents marriage. All of my extended family are in happy longterm marriages. I want that for myself, my wife, and my kids.

I’d bet good money that none of your happily married parents and extended family had a 10/10 woman hanging around waiting until they were 38 with 6 figures liquid cash and whatever else you think you need first. They just did it. Perhaps you should consider the wisdom of their experience over your own imagination since, you know, they have achieved what you want and you have accomplished nothing so far?

OP here. I wouldn’t say I have accomplished nothing. I make great money and have enough to buy a really nice ring ( the one I’ve looked at is $22k), pay for the wedding and honeymoon, put down a hefty down payment on a home in the millions, pay off her student loan debt, and have her quit working or fund childcare expenses. I wouldn’t say that’s nothing.

And if her values align with yours, then get married! You’re overthinking it. Romantic love will mostly transition to friendship anyways over the course of 30+ years. How you both can change together - if you can - is what’s important. If you trust her, have worked through challenges together, and you BOTH respect each other’s opinion you’ll be well suited. But seriously, marriage be scary at first. You grow into it.

[Anonymous]

If the OP was a woman thinking about marrying a man with subpar income prospects and a good chunk of student debt everyone would tell them to dump the guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lolz wait til y’all have HG / high risk / preeclampsia / traumatic birth / colicky / disabled child. The universe has plans for smug folks like yourselves.

OP here. How am I smug? It’s not nice to wish these things on people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the OP was a woman thinking about marrying a man with subpar income prospects and a good chunk of student debt everyone would tell them to dump the guy.

Not if she was 35 and loaded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the OP was a woman thinking about marrying a man with subpar income prospects and a good chunk of student debt everyone would tell them to dump the guy.

Not if she was 35 and loaded.

OP here. I’m not loaded or rich.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I hope you and your girlfriend work out and make the best decision for you both. But you do seem to be on some kind of odd moral high horse. Everyone else you know seems to have done it “wrong” but you’ve convinced yourself you’re doing it all right. It reeks of insecurity and you might want to address that in either individual or joint therapy. In order to get married and have kids, you’ll have to learn to compromise - a LOT - and think outside of yourself.

You are also 35 and far too worried about what your family and others think. Who cares what anyone else besides the two of you think? You’re fully functional adults.

OP here. I never said others have done it wrong. I actually look up to parents marriage. All of my extended family are in happy longterm marriages. I want that for myself, my wife, and my kids.

I’d bet good money that none of your happily married parents and extended family had a 10/10 woman hanging around waiting until they were 38 with 6 figures liquid cash and whatever else you think you need first. They just did it. Perhaps you should consider the wisdom of their experience over your own imagination since, you know, they have achieved what you want and you have accomplished nothing so far?

OP here. I wouldn’t say I have accomplished nothing. I make great money and have enough to buy a really nice ring ( the one I’ve looked at is $22k), pay for the wedding and honeymoon, put down a hefty down payment on a home in the millions, pay off her student loan debt, and have her quit working or fund childcare expenses. I wouldn’t say that’s nothing.

If you have all that already and you still aren’t ready to propose, then this girl isn’t the one.

(Duh, you don’t trust her that she won’t divorce you, how could she possibly be the one?)

This.

(PP here, from the "no one in my family divorced" dated for 3 years and my ex had this kind of mindset. Waiting for two years to propose to "mitigiate" the risk of divorce" made no difference. Timing does not matter if you found the person. This kind of thinking does not bode well for marriage...had these stats, we are divorced (one catholic). And btw, he is four years older than me and has had a much worse time dating. He admits I would be better off. I only date younger. I am not dumb enough to remarry. Men who think like this don't work well for marriage. He is marrying an idea...not the woman. I wish I had realized this before when I wondered wtf is taking so long...him being sure...A woman is an accessory to these types.

OP: If she was the one and all this is set up, you would not be second guessing proposing now. Your thinking about marriage is going to backfire on you later. Been in this exact scenario. The timeline thing does not work. You have everything set up and ready. Your obsession with timelines being ideal is going to be a real hindrance to marriage. You will lack the ability to compromise and when kids come, well, that is going to really give you a hard time.

You are living in a fantasyland of how things "should" be rather than marrying an actual person you love. When I asked my ex why he even married me, he said: "you checked all of my boxes." You sound exactly the same.

OP here. I don’t believe in the false notion of “ the one”. It’s all a fallacy. I’m in love with my girlfriend and can see us building a life together, but I can’t say she’s the only one in the world I can do that with.

I never mentioned "the one"; I mentioned that if you know you know, and if you think waiting a year is going to divorce proof anything, you are naive. If you love her, propose. This waiting for no reason is silly. It sounds like you want a picture of marriage in your head and she has nothing to do with it. If you really loved her, you wouldn't be waiting to propose.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If you just want to be DINKs then who cares. Also at your age, she might be best you'll ever be able to do. Let's say she hits 30 and all her friends start hitting their major life milestones and you're still not ready, but she is, and dumps you. You're now back in the dating pool with a different, older crowd of women.

OP here. Most older men always find younger women. They almost always pass up the older women for younger. Not saying it’s right but I think men my age still go for 23-30 year old women.

My point is that they are less likely to go for you as you age.

This. You might still like them younger, and you may still be attractive to that age group, but there will be some in that age group uninterested in you.