Wife is not a good sham

[Anonymous]

+1. Your wife seems a bit adrift without a schedule and job. I stayed at home after my first was born for a while, and it wasn’t for me even though I loved our time together. And her being at home has led you to ruminate on her daily schedule. This isn’t good for either of you two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm really not trying to be my wife's boss or act like an A. When my wife wanted to stay home, I just assumed she would handle these responsibilities like so many of our SAHM family/friends do. I agree the biggest mistake was not discussing what this would look like and setting expectations to make this work more smoothly.

I do want to make this work more smoothly.

My wife is not lazy. I fell in love with her drive and ambition when we were dating. I do feel maybe being a SAHM is not for her, but that's not really my decision to make. I can't force her to work or make that decision for her.

We are supposed to be a team. I work very hard and long hours ( 50-60 hours a week) to provide for our family. I take pride in that. I just wish my wife helped out more equally. When she worked PT, she cooked and clean almost daily without as much help. Then she stopped once our second child came.

I don't mind that we have help in form of a nanny and a housecleaner. It helps us both. My wife is very involved and a loving mother. I just wish she were better at other aspects of it. I assumed once the baby was sleeping through the night and not breastfeeding that she would pick up more tasks around the house. This is on me for assuming it.

I'm not very good with conveying my emotions. I know that I need to address my feelings to my wife, but I haven't because I don't want to make her feel bad. Instead, I've let this resentment build. I know it's not healthy.

op - I too bought into spouse's drive and ambition. the problem is when one partner abandons their drive and ambition and it's supposed to just be ok. It's not. if you present yourself as a driven person and get married based on this fact, it's not ok to just change. That's not what the other person chose and it's not fair to then burden them with everything.
either she should work or you should ditch the nanny and get a housekeeper and she be ambitious about parenting or keep the nanny but she keep the house super neat.
Unless of course you have $2m+ yearly comp in which case I would let it go for now but communicate. Our annual HHI is around $700 and neither of us would dream of staying home and both of us are responsible for post work day childcare and all housekeeping

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, think how you would feel if your wife said she thinks you should get a job making more money because her friends' husbands make more money.

I'm sure she could do more work, just like you could have gotten a job making more money. The answer in either case is to focus on the good fortune you have and what each are doing for the home and family.

I don’t think that would bother the OP. I think it would be more like his wife saying that she wants him to write her love letters, tell more jokes, and be more playful with the kids because she always imagined having a husband who would do that.

You don't think it would bother OP if she said that? I'm sure it would, and I'm sure he'd feel like maybe she should be grateful for how hard he works and how much money he makes to support their life. And he would be right.

I don’t. Because that’s the thing that he already thinks he does well and that he contributes to the relationship.

He would blow her off. It would be like him telling her to be a better mom.
Him telling her she doesn’t cook enough would be more like her telling him that she’s resentful that he isn’t romantic enough or warm enough with her or the kids.
It’s the thing that he already knows he isn’t doing well. It would be like her telling him she wants him to cut back at work and spending his time being more present with their family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hope she divorces you. She's not even 9 months postpartum, and you're whining about how she has to cook more for you, a grown man.

Cry to your mama about it, hire a chef, and leave the poor woman alone! She sounds like an excellent mom, even though you think she's a bad servant to you.

@sshole.

The woman has her kid in full day daycare 3 days per week and at least a half day nanny for 5. She can cook dinner and pickup the house. You guys are really pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Either you have the money for the nanny and house cleaner, or you don't.
If you do, let go of the suspicion that your wife is being lazy, kids will become easier with age and you can let go of the nanny soon.
If you don't, then have an honest conversation with your wife saying finances aren't working out so either she needs to step up and let nanny and/or house cleaner go, or she needs to go back her job.

[Anonymous]

You seem really disappointed that your wife isn't a better housekeeper. Sounds like you can afford a housekeeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see two possibilities:

1) You are trolling

2) Your DW has postpartum depression

3) She is a person who really can’t function effectively without structure.

4). She thinks everything is going well and has no idea that OP is resentful about getting takeout or putting his own chicken in the air fryer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy with SAHM wife here with my own perspective.

From my perspective, the most important part of being a SAHM is being a loving, involved mom. That takes many forms, but some basics are obvious to most people. If she's doing that, you are a lucky man, and your kids are lucky kids.

The rest of it is extra. It's reasonable to talk about the division of labor on other things. With kids in that age range, you are no doubt underestimating the time and exhaustion. Keep that in mind. Otherwise, raise your dinner issue and say that you want to come up with a plan for healthy, home cooked dinners together. Don't tell her that it's her job to come up with a plan. Come up with a plan together.

She might have different views on what makes for a clean house, and there is a spectrum with a wide range of "reasonable" cleanliness. If she's in there and you'd like it more clean, then you might have to clean more or hire someone. If you are going to raise her doing more cleaning, I'd wait until the kids are much older.

You say that you are grateful, but your post has an undercurrent of resentment that she's somehow taking the easy way out. I'd resist that because (a) it is very hard work, at those ages especially, and (b) in my view, your kids benefit enormously from her staying home to care for them. Focus on the positives.

With that much childcare, I’m not sure it’s the hard work you are making it out to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hope she divorces you. She's not even 9 months postpartum, and you're whining about how she has to cook more for you, a grown man.

Cry to your mama about it, hire a chef, and leave the poor woman alone! She sounds like an excellent mom, even though you think she's a bad servant to you.

@sshole.

The woman has her kid in full day daycare 3 days per week and at least a half day nanny for 5. She can cook dinner and pickup the house. You guys are really pathetic.

The house IS picked up during the kids’ nap every day. OP is upset that he has to help with picking up again after they go to bed.
He also feels that dinner needs to be made right before you eat it. Can’t make it earlier in the day and reheat.

So, these things need to be done at a specific time when the OP’s wife is also taking care of a toddler and an infant. Frankly, during the worst times of the day with a toddler and an infant.

The fact that she had a nanny there at 1pm doesn’t help her make dinner, clean up, and put kids to bed from 5pm-7pm.

[Anonymous]

If you're going to resent your wife so much for being a SAHM, just say no! Both work. Then you can stop whining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hope she divorces you. She's not even 9 months postpartum, and you're whining about how she has to cook more for you, a grown man.

Cry to your mama about it, hire a chef, and leave the poor woman alone! She sounds like an excellent mom, even though you think she's a bad servant to you.

@sshole.

The woman has her kid in full day daycare 3 days per week and at least a half day nanny for 5. She can cook dinner and pickup the house. You guys are really pathetic.

The house IS picked up during the kids’ nap every day. OP is upset that he has to help with picking up again after they go to bed.
He also feels that dinner needs to be made right before you eat it. Can’t make it earlier in the day and reheat.

So, these things need to be done at a specific time when the OP’s wife is also taking care of a toddler and an infant. Frankly, during the worst times of the day with a toddler and an infant.

The fact that she had a nanny there at 1pm doesn’t help her make dinner, clean up, and put kids to bed from 5pm-7pm.

The nanny picks up the house during nap time. OP said he picks up the house in the evening after cooking dinner while his wife showers or relaxes. She doesn’t seem like she does much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hope she divorces you. She's not even 9 months postpartum, and you're whining about how she has to cook more for you, a grown man.

Cry to your mama about it, hire a chef, and leave the poor woman alone! She sounds like an excellent mom, even though you think she's a bad servant to you.

@sshole.

The woman has her kid in full day daycare 3 days per week and at least a half day nanny for 5. She can cook dinner and pickup the house. You guys are really pathetic.

The house IS picked up during the kids’ nap every day. OP is upset that he has to help with picking up again after they go to bed.
He also feels that dinner needs to be made right before you eat it. Can’t make it earlier in the day and reheat.

So, these things need to be done at a specific time when the OP’s wife is also taking care of a toddler and an infant. Frankly, during the worst times of the day with a toddler and an infant.

The fact that she had a nanny there at 1pm doesn’t help her make dinner, clean up, and put kids to bed from 5pm-7pm.

The nanny picks up the house during nap time. OP said he picks up the house in the evening after cooking dinner while his wife showers or relaxes. She doesn’t seem like she does much.

I don’t know what she does. I don’t really care.
If he wants her to stop showering or relaxing before bed, then he needs to get the balls to tell her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol The fact that you think your mother was super happy raising four children on her own without any help makes me think that you are completely delusional

Look, young children are an emotional and spiritual black hole. Dealing with them will take everything you have and then some. Yes they are cute and delightful but it is grueling, the endless day after day of mind numbing boredom punctuated by irrational shrieking.

If this is not a troll, go ahead and tank your marriage by complaining to your wife that she isn’t pulling her weight!! She probably does so much stuff that you do not even notice. You spend your days dwelling in the world of adults. You do not understand and it is clear that you do not understand.

OP here. My mom did love raising us. She chose to quit her career and has said many times throughout my life that being able to raise her kids is her greatest blessing. Two of my SIL struggled with the idea of staying home and she shared how raising kids was more fulfilling than any career. I’m not saying kids aren’t hard and that it’s always easy. Some women do love and enjoy it.

I didn’t my wife be a SAHM. I recognized her hard work in her career and never thought she would choose to be a SAHM. She made this decision on her own. I’m grateful for her sacrifice.

You know what’s going to make your wife unfulfilled and unhappy? You complaining she doesn’t do enough housework and cooking. Do you think her work ethic and interest in cooking suddenly evaporated? No, what happened, you giant d*ckheah, is that she has an infant and a toddler and is exhausted. For the love of god stop comparing her to other Stepford wives in your head.

+1 women really love being compared to the MIls.

OP here's a challenge for you take a week off from work and switch roles with your wife, and then come back and tell us how it went.

OP here. I’ve done this. My wife has had to go out of town to deal with family issues, and I’ve taken over for twice. Once she was gone for two weeks and I managed just fine.

Your wife left her infant and toddler for two weeks? That’s a long time. What’s going on with her family? Something tells me that her childhood was a lot different from yours. I don’t know anyone who has left an infant for weeks in order to care for adult relatives.

OP here. Our childhoods were the same. Her mom was a SAHM ( never worked) and her dad worked.

Her mom had some health issues that make it hard for get to get around. Her dad had to have surgery and she went to help them both.

Is that why she stopped breastfeeding?

That just seems like such a huge ask. I can’t really even fathom it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, let me get this right:

Toddler is in day care 3 days a week, all day?
You have a nanny half days 5 days a week?
Groceries are delivered?
Cleaning person once every two weeks?

For a SAHM this sounds like a dream. She doesn’t like being a SAHM so she should go back to work so get a full time nanny and cleaning person weekly.

OP here. Yes. We lucked out with a great nanny who also handles kid laundry weekly and helps with clean up.

My wife isn’t some lazy, uninvolved parent. She is involved, but I feel like she could do more based on the level of help we have.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR WIFE’S BOSS. It seems like you feel like you are entitled to having her work more around the house as if you paid her. If there’s something specific you think needs to be done, or if you cannot afford all the childcare, that’s one thing. But to just take the attitude that she is not “doing enough” is super gross. She basically gets per your description nine hours a week when she has no childcare responsibilities, then she is on call the rest of the time. She gave birth six months ago. You really sound like a massive tool.

OP here. I never said I was her boss nor do I act like I am. We are partners. We both have responsibilities. She chose to be a SAHM. I work hard to provide for my family. We both need to pull our weight. I feel I pull more weight. If I stayed at home, I would fully expect to take on 90% of the childcare and household responsibilities.

You are, actually, the nanny’s boss. Can you ask her to take over some of the cooking/picking up toys?

OP here. Our nanny is gone by 12:30 3 days and week and 4pm two days a week. She cooks lunch for both kids each day and cleans up during their nap time from 12-2. She does their laundry as well each week. The house is wrecked once the kids wake up from their nap from play, dinner, and bedtime routines.

I don’t feel it’s our nanny's job to prepare dinner for our family ( she leaves too early anyway). She is a nanny, not a chef.

I had a housekeeper who prepared dinner for our family four days a week. She worked from 8am-noon and put dinner in the fridge when she left. We just put it in the oven to heat up before dinner.

I think you need to talk to your wife about firing the nanny and hiring someone who will do more cooking and cleaning.

OP here. Our nanny is not a cook or cleaner. This is what I really hate about other parents. They want their nanny to do it all for a bargain price. Imagine if your boss made you do your job + broke his personal assistant and fetch him lunch and coffee all day? Is that fair?

My wife and I were adamant we would treat our nanny and housekeeper with respect. We do not overextend them and make them do tasks that are not within their job description. My wife used to nanny when she was younger and had hated families like that. We do not want to become this people.

Our nanny already cares for our kids, cooks them lunch, cleans up after them while they nap, helps my wife make food for my son’s lunches, and does all their laundry and room cleaning. It’s not her job to take over our cleaning and cooking.

Fire her!
You don’t need this person in your life, no matter how wonderful she is. Hire someone to do the tasks you want done.

If my boss was hanging out with me doing my job all day with me, I would be doing whatever he needed me to do and/or I would be looking for a new job.

[Anonymous]

I think you’re fixated on the cooking vs. ordering food but what if she’s just kind of a bad cook? Not saying you can’t get better, it’s a learned skill like anything else. It’s just hard to learn when you have a baby and a toddler around a lot of the time. And from her perspective she’s probably fine with takeout and what not. There are a lot of good meal shortcuts around today if you’re willing to throw $$ at the problem. But she may not even be aware of all of them.