Wife is not a good sham

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are so resentful about the cooking, you have to do something to stop cooking. It’s eating you up inside.

Fwiw I think you’re kind of a crybaby, but it doesn’t matter that much why you hate cooking. You’ve got to find a way to stop stewing about it. Perhaps literal stew, made once a week by someone else and reheated.

The really crazy part of this for me is that the baby is only six months old. I’m a SAHM and I absolutely did not have it together at six months.

OP fwiw the other part that made me really hope she divorces you is when you said she stopped breastfeeding at four months like it is another demerit or time she could be mopping now instead. I’m just not sure you see her as a full person and partner. It sounds like the manager of a McDonalds talking about a sullen teen who works for him.

OP here. I only mentioned breastfeeding because someone asked if she still was breastfeeding. I don’t care if she did or not. Her choice and decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol The fact that you think your mother was super happy raising four children on her own without any help makes me think that you are completely delusional

Look, young children are an emotional and spiritual black hole. Dealing with them will take everything you have and then some. Yes they are cute and delightful but it is grueling, the endless day after day of mind numbing boredom punctuated by irrational shrieking.

If this is not a troll, go ahead and tank your marriage by complaining to your wife that she isn’t pulling her weight!! She probably does so much stuff that you do not even notice. You spend your days dwelling in the world of adults. You do not understand and it is clear that you do not understand.

OP here. My mom did love raising us. She chose to quit her career and has said many times throughout my life that being able to raise her kids is her greatest blessing. Two of my SIL struggled with the idea of staying home and she shared how raising kids was more fulfilling than any career. I’m not saying kids aren’t hard and that it’s always easy. Some women do love and enjoy it.

I didn’t my wife be a SAHM. I recognized her hard work in her career and never thought she would choose to be a SAHM. She made this decision on her own. I’m grateful for her sacrifice.

You know what’s going to make your wife unfulfilled and unhappy? You complaining she doesn’t do enough housework and cooking. Do you think her work ethic and interest in cooking suddenly evaporated? No, what happened, you giant d*ckheah, is that she has an infant and a toddler and is exhausted. For the love of god stop comparing her to other Stepford wives in your head.

+1 women really love being compared to the MIls.

OP here's a challenge for you take a week off from work and switch roles with your wife, and then come back and tell us how it went.

OP here. I’ve done this. My wife has had to go out of town to deal with family issues, and I’ve taken over for twice. Once she was gone for two weeks and I managed just fine.

Your wife left her infant and toddler for two weeks? That’s a long time. What’s going on with her family? Something tells me that her childhood was a lot different from yours. I don’t know anyone who has left an infant for weeks in order to care for adult relatives.

OP here. Our childhoods were the same. Her mom was a SAHM ( never worked) and her dad worked.

Her mom had some health issues that make it hard for get to get around. Her dad had to have surgery and she went to help them both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I try to help out as much as I can on the weekends.

There is no try. Do it or don’t.

There is no helping out when it comes to taking care of you family’s needs.

“As much as I can” is all of it. Is that actually what you’re doing?


This. I get the feeling OP only wants to do the fun part of parenting and his wife should have to do everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol The fact that you think your mother was super happy raising four children on her own without any help makes me think that you are completely delusional

Look, young children are an emotional and spiritual black hole. Dealing with them will take everything you have and then some. Yes they are cute and delightful but it is grueling, the endless day after day of mind numbing boredom punctuated by irrational shrieking.

If this is not a troll, go ahead and tank your marriage by complaining to your wife that she isn’t pulling her weight!! She probably does so much stuff that you do not even notice. You spend your days dwelling in the world of adults. You do not understand and it is clear that you do not understand.

OP here. My mom did love raising us. She chose to quit her career and has said many times throughout my life that being able to raise her kids is her greatest blessing. Two of my SIL struggled with the idea of staying home and she shared how raising kids was more fulfilling than any career. I’m not saying kids aren’t hard and that it’s always easy. Some women do love and enjoy it.

I didn’t my wife be a SAHM. I recognized her hard work in her career and never thought she would choose to be a SAHM. She made this decision on her own. I’m grateful for her sacrifice.

You know what’s going to make your wife unfulfilled and unhappy? You complaining she doesn’t do enough housework and cooking. Do you think her work ethic and interest in cooking suddenly evaporated? No, what happened, you giant d*ckheah, is that she has an infant and a toddler and is exhausted. For the love of god stop comparing her to other Stepford wives in your head.

+1 women really love being compared to the MIls.

OP here's a challenge for you take a week off from work and switch roles with your wife, and then come back and tell us how it went.

OP here. I’ve done this. My wife has had to go out of town to deal with family issues, and I’ve taken over for twice. Once she was gone for two weeks and I managed just fine.

Your wife left her infant and toddler for two weeks? That’s a long time. What’s going on with her family? Something tells me that her childhood was a lot different from yours. I don’t know anyone who has left an infant for weeks in order to care for adult relatives.

OP here. Our childhoods were the same. Her mom was a SAHM ( never worked) and her dad worked.

Her mom had some health issues that make it hard for get to get around. Her dad had to have surgery and she went to help them both.

It sounds like your wife has a lot on her plate right now. You should be looking at ways to make things easier not micromanaging

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are so resentful about the cooking, you have to do something to stop cooking. It’s eating you up inside.

Fwiw I think you’re kind of a crybaby, but it doesn’t matter that much why you hate cooking. You’ve got to find a way to stop stewing about it. Perhaps literal stew, made once a week by someone else and reheated.

The really crazy part of this for me is that the baby is only six months old. I’m a SAHM and I absolutely did not have it together at six months.

OP fwiw the other part that made me really hope she divorces you is when you said she stopped breastfeeding at four months like it is another demerit or time she could be mopping now instead. I’m just not sure you see her as a full person and partner. It sounds like the manager of a McDonalds talking about a sullen teen who works for him.

OP here. I only mentioned breastfeeding because someone asked if she still was breastfeeding. I don’t care if she did or not. Her choice and decision.

You keep saying this, but then you complain about things you think she should be doing so you can impress your boys

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet if we asked your DW how sleep at night and nap schedules are going, she would not describe it as being so rock solid and consistent.

My DH would have said sleep was going great with our kids at night because the kids didn’t wake him up. He’s the worlds deepest sleeper.

OP here. They are sound sleepers most of the time. I know this because I have bad insomnia and don’t sleep well. I was active in doing CIO with our youngest because my wife couldn’t handle all the crying.

My wife is a deep sleeper. She can sleep through a party. Both of our kids sleep in their own room. It’s not like when our baby was right next to our bed.

They are both solid nappers. Our nanny reports to use on and app if they woke up during or early and that’s very rare due both of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet if we asked your DW how sleep at night and nap schedules are going, she would not describe it as being so rock solid and consistent.

My DH would have said sleep was going great with our kids at night because the kids didn’t wake him up. He’s the worlds deepest sleeper.

OP here. They are sound sleepers most of the time. I know this because I have bad insomnia and don’t sleep well. I was active in doing CIO with our youngest because my wife couldn’t handle all the crying.

My wife is a deep sleeper. She can sleep through a party. Both of our kids sleep in their own room. It’s not like when our baby was right next to our bed.

They are both solid nappers. Our nanny reports to use on and app if they woke up during or early and that’s very rare due both of them.

OP here. On the weekends they both sleep soundly for naps. I can always count on it to get things done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife needs to do more.
You need to chat with her. Ask her how she feels about being at home and whether she misses work. You need to have an honest but non-judgemental conversation with her and do it soon before the resentment builds up even more. Maybe try a series of mini conversations.

If you think this conversation is going to go well than you are delustional. Op's wife will pick up on the vibes that she isn't doing enough.

This is going to be a short period when wife goes back to work. Why do you have to upset everything because ir isn't how you like it?

Because he isn’t getting all the services he thinks he’s entitled to, that his bros are getting from their SAHWs.

His post is off.

He works from home and "helps" whenever he can, but apparently that doesn't occupy enough of his time because he's taking notes on what his wife is doing minute by minute and comparing notes with his friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP would you be happier if she worked 40 hours a week? How would you outsource whatever it is you think should be done during those hours? Would your role in the other 128 hours be the same, or would you expect it to change?

NP. Honestly it sounds like things would be more balanced and fair if the wife worked 40 hours a week. I don’t think their life is fair for OP now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP would you be happier if she worked 40 hours a week? How would you outsource whatever it is you think should be done during those hours? Would your role in the other 128 hours be the same, or would you expect it to change?

OP here. I would be happy if she was happy. I want her to be happy with whatever she decides.

If we both worked FT, we would have a nanny or do daycare and spilt responsibilities around childcare, cooking, and household responsibilities.

When she worked PT with our first, I cooked on the days she worked and cleaned while she spent time with the baby. On the days she was home, she cooked and cleaned while I spent time with the baby and put him to bed.

It was very much equal. We didn’t have the nanny on the off days.

Okay, then just ask her for this? Although if your work is flexible enough that you could just take on this much more, why not just do it now?

[Anonymous]

I'm calling troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've put off making this post for while because I feel like I already know the responses I will get but just need to make it. I need some guidance to understand and keep my sanity. Help me navigate this.

My wife and I have two children, an infant and a toddler. She is a great mom who adores our kids. My wife worked PT with our older child but transitioned to a stay-at-home mom when our second came. I was fully on board because I felt it would take a lot of stress off her plate and make life easier.

So far, that hasn't been the case. She doesn't seem like she does much. The house is a disaster every night, I do 90% of the cooking, and I try to help out as much as I can on the weekends. Our oldest is in PT daycare and we have a PT nanny that helps with both kids. We have semi-weekly housekeeper but my wife has been insisting we need her every week to help manage the house. I thought my wife would be more involved, not less. I'm growing tired of it. I feel she should be more active in parenting and maintaining our house. I want to approach the subject but I don't want to cause hurt her feelings or make her think I feel she's a bad wife/mother.

I was a BigLaw associate who billed thousands of hours a year. That was nothing compared to staying at home with my terrible sleeper breastfed baby. I didn’t have time to shower, let alone clean the house and cook. And no, I wasn’t depressed. I was busy taking care of a baby who wailed if not held 24/7. I was happy to go back to work. It felt like vacation.

Taking care do some infants is a lot harder than it looks!

I found it way easier to stay home with my terrible sleeping baby who I breastfed than being an associate at a big firm. We all have different skills and tolerances.

[Anonymous]

Adding a new baby to a family is not easy. Having an infant and a toddler is not easy. Most families hit some bumps in the road at this stage. Your wife had a baby 6 months ago. That means that a fetus inside her grew and squished all her organs to make room, then she gave birth and her body is probably just finishing recovering from that and from making food for the baby for 4 months while also caring for a toddler. You mentioned she is not working out, and it sounds like you have feelings about that. Please let those feelings
go.

It's normal for you to do "more" for a little while after she birthed and breastfed a child. Now you all can start to transition to better balance. Let of your resentment, which is a little off base IMO, and talk to your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've put off making this post for while because I feel like I already know the responses I will get but just need to make it. I need some guidance to understand and keep my sanity. Help me navigate this.

My wife and I have two children, an infant and a toddler. She is a great mom who adores our kids. My wife worked PT with our older child but transitioned to a stay-at-home mom when our second came. I was fully on board because I felt it would take a lot of stress off her plate and make life easier.

So far, that hasn't been the case. She doesn't seem like she does much. The house is a disaster every night, I do 90% of the cooking, and I try to help out as much as I can on the weekends. Our oldest is in PT daycare and we have a PT nanny that helps with both kids. We have semi-weekly housekeeper but my wife has been insisting we need her every week to help manage the house. I thought my wife would be more involved, not less. I'm growing tired of it. I feel she should be more active in parenting and maintaining our house. I want to approach the subject but I don't want to cause hurt her feelings or make her think I feel she's a bad wife/mother.

If the nanny is not doing housekeeping during kids nap time or preschool time; then yes have a real housekeeper come weekly or twice a week to clean/ laundry/ errands/ cook.

OP here. The nanny does do this. It’s only child-related cleaning and cooking.

Fire her. You don’t need a nanny. Your wife wants this job. Hire someone who will do the chores neither of you want to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see two possibilities:

1) You are trolling

2) Your DW has postpartum depression

3) She is a person who really can’t function effectively without structure.