Open Marriage with kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Probably should have not had kids if you were going to make everything about you. Relationships and marriages end- kids experience these family break ups and it happens. People raise kids without a partner, and it can work, it's probably harder, but kids do ok. Marriage isn't the only social construct, but if you aren't going that route, you can see all the legal wrangling around it. It's hard, it's complicated, it's emotionally taxing, and yep, expensive.

But why try to complicate, deliberately, these kids' lives? If looks like you are trying to go out of your way to express your sexual needs over your child's needs. Take a pause out of yourself and focus on what's important. Can you do that?

If a discreet open marriage actually makes parents happier and therefore better functioning parents, then arguably it’s better for the kids.

White knuckling a miserable monotonous relationship just because that’s what you’re supposed to is also damaging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should get help. It’s mental illness, not a further evolved philosophy.

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:no our kids do not know but they know that mom goes out with friends to do things because dad is a homebody and doesn't like to go out

Open only for you or also DH?

Mutually open, he just doesn't date or have interest in dating people. He isn't going to give any woman he meets the quality time and the kind of connection most women will want. Same problem we had that got us here to begin with. When we have talked about how things are going he has shared that he has hooked up with people when out of town at college reunions or when on travel. His happy place is just working, taking care of his kids, getting some low effort sex and being left alone otherwise. I've opted out of being his low effort easy access orfice and am enjoying having companionship and conversation and others things that I need while dating and being seen as a whole interesting fun human to hang out with again. I've actually tried to help give him advice to help him out on the dating scene but women and relationships are clearly not a priority to him beyond fulfilling a functional physical need periodically.

Wow, OP, your marriage (pre-opening) sounds so similar to mine. My DH was able to mask very well by hyperfocusing on me until we were married, but he’s really not interested in me at all aside from occasionally being resentful that I am not his convenient orifice. But he enjoys sharing a home and our child together. He likes cooking and taking care of things. He just doesn’t like…me, or anyone, very much. I suspect he is on the spectrum but he is incredibly defensive and uninterested in introspection. He’s got a very low sex drive generally so gets by by himself mostly, and he’d be fine with some easy hook ups a few times a year at most. I miss having someone actually interested in me. Your arrangement might work in the short term (like, a few years) for me. But I think divorce would be easier in the long run if it weren’t so financially devastating. I’d be delighted to live separately and see each other to catch up occasionally if we could afford it.

[Anonymous]

My open relationship is a lot different than some of these PPs are describing.

My DH and I generally have a blast together, we have a similar sense.of humor and we spend a lot of quality time as a family and the occasional date night involving dinner and a movie or similar. We also more or less share long-term goals and values. We rarely argue. He is a great parent and a good partner.

The relationship is open for both of us but I have zero drive and honestly I just have minimal prioritization for "fixing" that. There aren't any men or women who I wish to pursue. We didn't open our relationship to "fix" the problem of my low drive. We actually opened the relationship 20+ years ago because my drive was higher and I wanted to try different things with different partners.

My DH is also a good partner to his GF, who is a good person whose occasional company I enjoy. She and I went to brunch recently just the two of us. We occasionally get both her family and my family together since the kids are similar ages and get along.

It's definitely not all roses. I occasionally get jealous, resentful, annoyed, and anxious about what the future holds and stressed that there is no culturally accepted model for my longterm relationship situation, but overall it's pretty happy and pretty stable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My open relationship is a lot different than some of these PPs are describing.

My DH and I generally have a blast together, we have a similar sense.of humor and we spend a lot of quality time as a family and the occasional date night involving dinner and a movie or similar. We also more or less share long-term goals and values. We rarely argue. He is a great parent and a good partner.

The relationship is open for both of us but I have zero drive and honestly I just have minimal prioritization for "fixing" that. There aren't any men or women who I wish to pursue. We didn't open our relationship to "fix" the problem of my low drive. We actually opened the relationship 20+ years ago because my drive was higher and I wanted to try different things with different partners.

My DH is also a good partner to his GF, who is a good person whose occasional company I enjoy. She and I went to brunch recently just the two of us. We occasionally get both her family and my family together since the kids are similar ages and get along.

It's definitely not all roses. I occasionally get jealous, resentful, annoyed, and anxious about what the future holds and stressed that there is no culturally accepted model for my longterm relationship situation, but overall it's pretty happy and pretty stable.

It sounds like communication would be the key here. Whenever you get stressed, jealous, etc, just talk with DH and GF about what you’re feeling, and see if you all can come up with constructive solutions. You don’t need some culturally accepted model— you just need something that works for all of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:no our kids do not know but they know that mom goes out with friends to do things because dad is a homebody and doesn't like to go out

Open only for you or also DH?

Mutually open, he just doesn't date or have interest in dating people. He isn't going to give any woman he meets the quality time and the kind of connection most women will want. Same problem we had that got us here to begin with. When we have talked about how things are going he has shared that he has hooked up with people when out of town at college reunions or when on travel. His happy place is just working, taking care of his kids, getting some low effort sex and being left alone otherwise. I've opted out of being his low effort easy access orfice and am enjoying having companionship and conversation and others things that I need while dating and being seen as a whole interesting fun human to hang out with again. I've actually tried to help give him advice to help him out on the dating scene but women and relationships are clearly not a priority to him beyond fulfilling a functional physical need periodically.

I often felt there is something going on with him that has gone unresolved because he just has some highly unusual anti-social behavior that goes beyond our relationship. We did do couple's therapy before making the decision on divorcing or doing this and he was diagnosed as having an avoidant attachment style which related to his childhood and his defense mechanisms he has been doing his whole life. It made everything make a lot more sense to me and was great for me to hear to heal and move on. I was willing to keep working on us if he sought help but like many he refused individual therapy and not interesting in doing the work. It is unfortunate he is a good person at heart and loves being there to help raise the kids (when he isn't consuming and escaping through work) he just has major issue relating to people in any significant way.

Wow, OP, your marriage (pre-opening) sounds so similar to mine. My DH was able to mask very well by hyperfocusing on me until we were married, but he’s really not interested in me at all aside from occasionally being resentful that I am not his convenient orifice. But he enjoys sharing a home and our child together. He likes cooking and taking care of things. He just doesn’t like…me, or anyone, very much. I suspect he is on the spectrum but he is incredibly defensive and uninterested in introspection. He’s got a very low sex drive generally so gets by by himself mostly, and he’d be fine with some easy hook ups a few times a year at most. I miss having someone actually interested in me. Your arrangement might work in the short term (like, a few years) for me. But I think divorce would be easier in the long run if it weren’t so financially devastating. I’d be delighted to live separately and see each other to catch up occasionally if we could afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My open relationship is a lot different than some of these PPs are describing.

My DH and I generally have a blast together, we have a similar sense.of humor and we spend a lot of quality time as a family and the occasional date night involving dinner and a movie or similar. We also more or less share long-term goals and values. We rarely argue. He is a great parent and a good partner.

The relationship is open for both of us but I have zero drive and honestly I just have minimal prioritization for "fixing" that. There aren't any men or women who I wish to pursue. We didn't open our relationship to "fix" the problem of my low drive. We actually opened the relationship 20+ years ago because my drive was higher and I wanted to try different things with different partners.

My DH is also a good partner to his GF, who is a good person whose occasional company I enjoy. She and I went to brunch recently just the two of us. We occasionally get both her family and my family together since the kids are similar ages and get along.

It's definitely not all roses. I occasionally get jealous, resentful, annoyed, and anxious about what the future holds and stressed that there is no culturally accepted model for my longterm relationship situation, but overall it's pretty happy and pretty stable.

I am one of the open married women and I sometimes feel this is the situation of the majority of the married ENM or Poly men I meet. Love my wife and family life but wife is low sex drive so either he gets a pass and she looks the other way and she is mainly monogamous or they both see other people but the wife's interactions with men are more for other non-sexual needs as she is more asexual. I usually decline these scenarios because I have felt them men are primarily seeking a sexual surrogate to take up the wife's slack. Yeh no thanks. You describe him being a great boyfriend to his girlfriend so if he is one of the rare ones actually fulfilling the range of relationship needs and treating her like a whole interesting human then that is an exception. Too many are clear that my wife gets all my emotional and non-sexual relationship effort and energy and I am just gonna give you minimal effort and call when I want some booty because she is too tired. Nah, hard pass on just being a supplemental office.

[Anonymous]

If a discreet open marriage actually makes parents happier and therefore better functioning parents, then arguably it’s better for the kids.

White knuckling a miserable monotonous relationship just because that’s what you’re supposed to is also damaging.

This is true. Sometimes. Usually the parents spend so much time away from the kids that it doesn’t work out that way.

[Anonymous]

Are you insane? Why even have a family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My open relationship is a lot different than some of these PPs are describing.

My DH and I generally have a blast together, we have a similar sense.of humor and we spend a lot of quality time as a family and the occasional date night involving dinner and a movie or similar. We also more or less share long-term goals and values. We rarely argue. He is a great parent and a good partner.

The relationship is open for both of us but I have zero drive and honestly I just have minimal prioritization for "fixing" that. There aren't any men or women who I wish to pursue. We didn't open our relationship to "fix" the problem of my low drive. We actually opened the relationship 20+ years ago because my drive was higher and I wanted to try different things with different partners.

My DH is also a good partner to his GF, who is a good person whose occasional company I enjoy. She and I went to brunch recently just the two of us. We occasionally get both her family and my family together since the kids are similar ages and get along.

It's definitely not all roses. I occasionally get jealous, resentful, annoyed, and anxious about what the future holds and stressed that there is no culturally accepted model for my longterm relationship situation, but overall it's pretty happy and pretty stable.

I am one of the open married women and I sometimes feel this is the situation of the majority of the married ENM or Poly men I meet. Love my wife and family life but wife is low sex drive so either he gets a pass and she looks the other way and she is mainly monogamous or they both see other people but the wife's interactions with men are more for other non-sexual needs as she is more asexual. I usually decline these scenarios because I have felt them men are primarily seeking a sexual surrogate to take up the wife's slack. Yeh no thanks. You describe him being a great boyfriend to his girlfriend so if he is one of the rare ones actually fulfilling the range of relationship needs and treating her like a whole interesting human then that is an exception. Too many are clear that my wife gets all my emotional and non-sexual relationship effort and energy and I am just gonna give you minimal effort and call when I want some booty because she is too tired. Nah, hard pass on just being a supplemental office.

Yep, I completely understand what you are saying and I agree that is unfair for the non-marital partner if he/she is not treated with care and respect. I wouldn’t be married to someone who treated a romantic partner that way.

-PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If a discreet open marriage actually makes parents happier and therefore better functioning parents, then arguably it’s better for the kids.

White knuckling a miserable monotonous relationship just because that’s what you’re supposed to is also damaging.

This is true. Sometimes. Usually the parents spend so much time away from the kids that it doesn’t work out that way.

How much time is too much?

Assuming it’s much less than the 50% that would happen if the parents divorced.