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How do you deal with your spouse's top secret job?
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Anonymous
| My soon-to-be-spouse recently started a new job. I'm very happy for him and excited for the opportunity - this is a career changer for him. I'm a little surprised at how the secretive aspect of the job is affecting me, though. How do others deal with this? It is odd and abnormal within the context of a relationship for him to be unable to share something with me that he is so excited about and that means so much to him. I know a lot of people deal with this, though, so I know there's a way to make it work. Thoughts? |
Anonymous
| Give him a blow job after you ask how is work and he will sing like a jail bird |
Anonymous
Stupid response. If he has top secret clearance then either you have, or will have, an in-depth background check done on you. He is not allowed to talk to you about this and you are foolish for even thinking that he should. All you have to tell other people who ask is that he works for the Federal govt. If he were a doctor or lawyer would you expect him to discuss his patients or clients with you? |
Anonymous
This, just find other things to talk about. When I was in big law (M&A), I did not dicuss my job details with my husband bc I did not even want there to me a question that he traded on information that he got from me. When I was on a jury for a criminal case, I never discussed the case with him until it was over. He understood - you have to do the same. |
Anonymous
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Our marriage has had this element to it for about 10 years now. Early on, I confess to some insecurity and some desire to know everything about my husband. Then he went to war, and I wanted to know even more, because it hurt to know he had an entirely separate existence from me, one I could never share.
Now I have peace about it, and it is a source of humor and an even deeper bond between us. I trust him with my life, so I know I can trust him with the demands of his job. I am proud of him for being worthy of that trust. The qualities of honor and faithfulness are gorgeous in him. The way I can stay close to him is supporting him in his mission. Sure, I wish I knew which headlines he had something to do with. But like many federal employees who have all of the guts and none of the glory, it is not for me to know or celebrate. He loves me that much more for trusting him. And I love him that much more for being such an awesome person. |
Anonymous
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I used to be married to a cryptologist for NSA. Some of his coworkers discussed nothing. But my (now ex) husband discussed things with me that were not secret, like his friends at work. Some of the things that were required of them, music in the background all day long, burn bags. None of this was top secret. If you husband is able to figure out which is secret and which is not, he should be able to discuss those things that are not secret with you. I was always more interested in the people and things he was not allowed to do or things he was supposed to do than stuff that was secret.
Some people are not able to do that and those are the people who discuss nothing and he had some friends like that. I think that would be hard to put up with. Ask him about the personalities of the people at work, the parties etc. |
Anonymous
| Step One: Don't post about it on DCUM. |
Anonymous
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He can share some things with you, just not the details. I have a clearance and I share some exciting things with my husband like "OMG, I get to brief the President tomorrow!" He knows the topic area on which I work, but we don't discuss details. But I would tell him if I did well, if I did poorly, etc. You can discuss quite a bit without disclosing classified info.
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Anonymous
Exactly. |
Anonymous
Lol. I have to admit, I have done this with DH. It works. I know way more than I should. |
Anonymous
Calm down. |
Anonymous
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Honestly, I find talking about work overrated. I've worked in a field with a clearance a while, and when it comes down to it, I'd much rather most people never be allowed to talk about their jobs.
My spouse hears about the stuff that anyone would ("I don't like this manager because blah blah blah") and while he doesn't necessarily hear the "exciting" stuff, I think we're better off this way. |
Anonymous
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Why are you posting?
Are you afraid you'll be "offed" if someone recognizes you? |
Anonymous
| There are still plenty of work-related things you'll be able to talk about - annoying coworkers, office politics, etc. Sure it's a little frustrating when you hear "I worked on something really cool today, but I can't tell you about it," but there are plenty of non-top secret jobs that have confidential matters come up. I know I've had things come up in my non-government office that I couldn't talk about at home. There are plenty of other things in life to talk about besides work! |
Anonymous
| Remember that the majority of cleared jobs aren't all that glamorous. Even the ones that are quickly lose their luster to those who work them and become routine just like any job does. At most, the exciting part is the data you see, but even then, after so a while it just becomes noise. |