Wife is not a good sham

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am man with a spouse who is a SAHM. Did you have conversations about what this would like, roles responsibilities, fall backs, how to handle or discuss how to approach if things weren’t going as planned or what would trigger those discussions?

I think people approach a spouse becoming a SAHM as an equal exchange of one career for another. That isn’t what it is at all. It is change in the relationship dynamics and how that will impact both of you moving forward. Those conversations need to be had and just like any relationship or significant change in a relationship, those boundaries and remedies need to be established beforehand. Both partners need to be open about what there non negotiables are, there has to be a baseline.

OP here. Honestly, no. We never talked about it. When we had our second, she told me she felt that she didn’t want to go back to work. She gave it more time and decided it was best to stay home when her maternity leave was almost over. I honestly just assumed she would handle everything since we have family members/friends with this same dynamic.

We kept our nanny on because she was with our first since he was 4 months old. She is incredible and felt we could use the help to make things easier on us with two kids and me working long hours. We have always had a housekeeper.

I definitely see that I need to talk with my wife about this. Touch base on how she’s feeling and relay my expectations and come to middle ground.

“Relaying your expectations” is a recipe for disaster. You are not your wife’s boss. This isn’t a performance review.

If your main needs are that you’re cooking too many meals and the house is messier than you like, you discuss with her how the two of you can make that happen. And if she can’t do it, that’s fine and you move to plan B’s: more take out, pre prepared meals or meal kit service, nanny does dinner prep, house keeper comes more often.

The thing is, reading through your other responses, she’s already suggested these things and it seems you’ve rejected them based on what you think she SHOULD be capable of based on your observations of what *other people* *seem* to be doing. And that is a marriage killer right there.

OP here. I just hate cooking. I don’t mind doing any of the cleanup. I just wish she would cook dinner instead of ordering out. It’s expensive and not healthy for us or our kids to be eating so frequently. She opts for frozen meals for the kids when she doesn’t order out. I’m not the greatest cook but I try to cook healthy meals.

She hates cooking to. SO your option is to pay for a housekeeper. Or do it yourself and stop whining like a little brat.

[Anonymous]

I am the person who responded to your first post. I had a nanny 30 hours a week and a weekly house cleaner. I still thought it was really hard. It's a lot different now that they are older. I had friends who did everything and did it well for 3 kids, but I had a lot more bandwidth by having the help. I wouldn't trade those years for anything, and it sounds like your wife is doing a great job with the kids. I'm sorry you feel like the work load is out of balance, but I don't think it sounds so bad that you need to bring it up. You both have a limited time where your kids will be so dependent on you. If your kids are happy and thriving, you are doing it right. These years are hard, you don't have a ton of free time, it's natural to feel like your spouse has it easier than you, but it's just the exhaustion of having really young kids. It will get better in a few years.

[Anonymous]

Nanny
Housekeeper
Cleaners
House manager

Those are three different roles. Some hired people can do the first three but there are 15 hours in a work day if you have a kid and family and house.

[Anonymous]

OP you are so resentful about the cooking, you have to do something to stop cooking. It’s eating you up inside.

Fwiw I think you’re kind of a crybaby, but it doesn’t matter that much why you hate cooking. You’ve got to find a way to stop stewing about it. Perhaps literal stew, made once a week by someone else and reheated.

The really crazy part of this for me is that the baby is only six months old. I’m a SAHM and I absolutely did not have it together at six months.

OP fwiw the other part that made me really hope she divorces you is when you said she stopped breastfeeding at four months like it is another demerit or time she could be mopping now instead. I’m just not sure you see her as a full person and partner. It sounds like the manager of a McDonalds talking about a sullen teen who works for him.

[Anonymous]

OP, so many of these people clearly haven’t read the thread or your follow-up posts.

Your wife has so much free time it’s absurd. The vast majority of adults don’t have that much free time, yet still manage to take care of their home and kids. Your wife needs a job. Tell her the free ride is over, and she either steps up and becomes a 50/50 partner or your resentment is going to set in and be bad news for your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Lol The fact that you think your mother was super happy raising four children on her own without any help makes me think that you are completely delusional

Look, young children are an emotional and spiritual black hole. Dealing with them will take everything you have and then some. Yes they are cute and delightful but it is grueling, the endless day after day of mind numbing boredom punctuated by irrational shrieking.

If this is not a troll, go ahead and tank your marriage by complaining to your wife that she isn’t pulling her weight!! She probably does so much stuff that you do not even notice. You spend your days dwelling in the world of adults. You do not understand and it is clear that you do not understand.

OP here. My mom did love raising us. She chose to quit her career and has said many times throughout my life that being able to raise her kids is her greatest blessing. Two of my SIL struggled with the idea of staying home and she shared how raising kids was more fulfilling than any career. I’m not saying kids aren’t hard and that it’s always easy. Some women do love and enjoy it.

I didn’t my wife be a SAHM. I recognized her hard work in her career and never thought she would choose to be a SAHM. She made this decision on her own. I’m grateful for her sacrifice.

You know what’s going to make your wife unfulfilled and unhappy? You complaining she doesn’t do enough housework and cooking. Do you think her work ethic and interest in cooking suddenly evaporated? No, what happened, you giant d*ckheah, is that she has an infant and a toddler and is exhausted. For the love of god stop comparing her to other Stepford wives in your head.

+1 women really love being compared to the MIls.

OP here's a challenge for you take a week off from work and switch roles with your wife, and then come back and tell us how it went.

OP here. I’ve done this. My wife has had to go out of town to deal with family issues, and I’ve taken over for twice. Once she was gone for two weeks and I managed just fine.

Your wife left her infant and toddler for two weeks? That’s a long time. What’s going on with her family? Something tells me that her childhood was a lot different from yours. I don’t know anyone who has left an infant for weeks in order to care for adult relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, let me get this right:

Toddler is in day care 3 days a week, all day?
You have a nanny half days 5 days a week?
Groceries are delivered?
Cleaning person once every two weeks?

For a SAHM this sounds like a dream. She doesn’t like being a SAHM so she should go back to work so get a full time nanny and cleaning person weekly.

OP here. Yes. We lucked out with a great nanny who also handles kid laundry weekly and helps with clean up.

My wife isn’t some lazy, uninvolved parent. She is involved, but I feel like she could do more based on the level of help we have.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR WIFE’S BOSS. It seems like you feel like you are entitled to having her work more around the house as if you paid her. If there’s something specific you think needs to be done, or if you cannot afford all the childcare, that’s one thing. But to just take the attitude that she is not “doing enough” is super gross. She basically gets per your description nine hours a week when she has no childcare responsibilities, then she is on call the rest of the time. She gave birth six months ago. You really sound like a massive tool.

OP here. I never said I was her boss nor do I act like I am. We are partners. We both have responsibilities. She chose to be a SAHM. I work hard to provide for my family. We both need to pull our weight. I feel I pull more weight. If I stayed at home, I would fully expect to take on 90% of the childcare and household responsibilities.

You are, actually, the nanny’s boss. Can you ask her to take over some of the cooking/picking up toys?

OP here. Our nanny is gone by 12:30 3 days and week and 4pm two days a week. She cooks lunch for both kids each day and cleans up during their nap time from 12-2. She does their laundry as well each week. The house is wrecked once the kids wake up from their nap from play, dinner, and bedtime routines.

I don’t feel it’s our nanny's job to prepare dinner for our family ( she leaves too early anyway). She is a nanny, not a chef.

I had a housekeeper who prepared dinner for our family four days a week. She worked from 8am-noon and put dinner in the fridge when she left. We just put it in the oven to heat up before dinner.

I think you need to talk to your wife about firing the nanny and hiring someone who will do more cooking and cleaning.

OP here. Our nanny is not a cook or cleaner. This is what I really hate about other parents. They want their nanny to do it all for a bargain price. Imagine if your boss made you do your job + broke his personal assistant and fetch him lunch and coffee all day? Is that fair?

My wife and I were adamant we would treat our nanny and housekeeper with respect. We do not overextend them and make them do tasks that are not within their job description. My wife used to nanny when she was younger and had hated families like that. We do not want to become this people.

Our nanny already cares for our kids, cooks them lunch, cleans up after them while they nap, helps my wife make food for my son’s lunches, and does all their laundry and room cleaning. It’s not her job to take over our cleaning and cooking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol The fact that you think your mother was super happy raising four children on her own without any help makes me think that you are completely delusional

Look, young children are an emotional and spiritual black hole. Dealing with them will take everything you have and then some. Yes they are cute and delightful but it is grueling, the endless day after day of mind numbing boredom punctuated by irrational shrieking.

If this is not a troll, go ahead and tank your marriage by complaining to your wife that she isn’t pulling her weight!! She probably does so much stuff that you do not even notice. You spend your days dwelling in the world of adults. You do not understand and it is clear that you do not understand.

OP here. My mom did love raising us. She chose to quit her career and has said many times throughout my life that being able to raise her kids is her greatest blessing. Two of my SIL struggled with the idea of staying home and she shared how raising kids was more fulfilling than any career. I’m not saying kids aren’t hard and that it’s always easy. Some women do love and enjoy it.

I didn’t my wife be a SAHM. I recognized her hard work in her career and never thought she would choose to be a SAHM. She made this decision on her own. I’m grateful for her sacrifice.

You know what’s going to make your wife unfulfilled and unhappy? You complaining she doesn’t do enough housework and cooking. Do you think her work ethic and interest in cooking suddenly evaporated? No, what happened, you giant d*ckheah, is that she has an infant and a toddler and is exhausted. For the love of god stop comparing her to other Stepford wives in your head.

+1 women really love being compared to the MIls.

OP here's a challenge for you take a week off from work and switch roles with your wife, and then come back and tell us how it went.

OP here. I’ve done this. My wife has had to go out of town to deal with family issues, and I’ve taken over for twice. Once she was gone for two weeks and I managed just fine.

So you stayed home and did all the child care for two weeks?

without help from mommy?

OP here. Yes. Our parents all live out of state and so does our family.

[Anonymous]

I try to help out as much as I can on the weekends.

There is no try. Do it or don’t.

There is no helping out when it comes to taking care of you family’s needs.

“As much as I can” is all of it. Is that actually what you’re doing?

[Anonymous]

Have her screened for ADHD.

-takes one to know one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM and I appreciate this post for making me feel gratitude for my husband. We’re both deeply flawed, but we don’t police each other like this. He is not my manager, and I am not his.

I think the OP should maybe just get divorced. Then you can hire a nanny and a housekeeper and run your 50% custody how you want.

If you don’t want to make dinner, which you clearly deeply resent, stop! Obviously have a conversation about it. “I’m really tired of making dinner. It’s making me deeply resentful because I feel like I’m doing more than my share. Can you do it for a while?”

She might say yes! Or she might say no, but it has to be better than just sitting there in your own toxicity all the time.

OP here. We are not getting divorced. I love my wife very much. We also do not believe in divorce as an option.

Our marriage is good. We do have these issues but it’s nothing we can’t work through. It’s a temporary issue while our kids are young and she’s at home.

I think I just need to talk to her about it. Reassess things.

lol. you sure will get divorced if you don’t pull your head out of your *ss. are you also going to complain next that she’s not at her pre-baby weight?

OP here. We are two and down. I also don’t care when/if she hits her pre-baby weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious, on a daily basis, how much time does your wife get away from both kids? Like where she’s actually alone?

OP here. A decent amount. On the days my son is in daycare, she has 8am - 2pm without our infant. Nanny is there until 12:30pm and he sleeps until 2pm. On the days both kids are there, the nanny is there 8am - 4pm. My wife is involved on these days and usually has one kid at a time for half of the day, but gets breaks if she needs one or when they both nap.

On the weekends, I try to give her a break and I let her sleep in and do what she wants for an afternoon.

What does she accomplish in all her free time? Anything? My husband would probably have zero respect for me if I did this.

OP here. On the days our son is in daycare, she runs errands, does online grocery shopping, makes appointments, mela preps, cooks infants foods from scratch, makes toddler lunches for daycare, etc. Some days she will nap or just relax.

On the days both kids are home, she will take our infant part of the day while nanny takes oldest outside or to an activity. Then my wife will switch with nanny and take my son to an activity or a fun outing. She likes it so that she has one-on-one time with both kids.

There's your answer. That's what she's doing. Sounds normal to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP would you be happier if she worked 40 hours a week? How would you outsource whatever it is you think should be done during those hours? Would your role in the other 128 hours be the same, or would you expect it to change?

OP here. I would be happy if she was happy. I want her to be happy with whatever she decides.

If we both worked FT, we would have a nanny or do daycare and spilt responsibilities around childcare, cooking, and household responsibilities.

When she worked PT with our first, I cooked on the days she worked and cleaned while she spent time with the baby. On the days she was home, she cooked and cleaned while I spent time with the baby and put him to bed.

It was very much equal. We didn’t have the nanny on the off days.

[Anonymous]

I bet if we asked your DW how sleep at night and nap schedules are going, she would not describe it as being so rock solid and consistent.

My DH would have said sleep was going great with our kids at night because the kids didn’t wake him up. He’s the worlds deepest sleeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've put off making this post for while because I feel like I already know the responses I will get but just need to make it. I need some guidance to understand and keep my sanity. Help me navigate this.

My wife and I have two children, an infant and a toddler. She is a great mom who adores our kids. My wife worked PT with our older child but transitioned to a stay-at-home mom when our second came. I was fully on board because I felt it would take a lot of stress off her plate and make life easier.

So far, that hasn't been the case. She doesn't seem like she does much. The house is a disaster every night, I do 90% of the cooking, and I try to help out as much as I can on the weekends. Our oldest is in PT daycare and we have a PT nanny that helps with both kids. We have semi-weekly housekeeper but my wife has been insisting we need her every week to help manage the house. I thought my wife would be more involved, not less. I'm growing tired of it. I feel she should be more active in parenting and maintaining our house. I want to approach the subject but I don't want to cause hurt her feelings or make her think I feel she's a bad wife/mother.

If the nanny is not doing housekeeping during kids nap time or preschool time; then yes have a real housekeeper come weekly or twice a week to clean/ laundry/ errands/ cook.

OP here. The nanny does do this. It’s only child-related cleaning and cooking.