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when to walk away from a friendship?
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Anonymous
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I'm sort of at a loss. My best friend since college has always had a few issues, namely depression (which she refuses to treat) combined with crazy behavior towards men (think Fatal Attraction). We have had our ups and downs but have always managed to get through it. I am now at a point where I really think that I am willing to walk away. It's very frustrating to watch someone engage in deeply self destructive behavior and then complain, complain, complain about the effects of that behavior. This has been happening for YEARS and it is a vicious cycle that just never ends. I'm not that controlling kind of friend that judges her behavior - I recognize that people have to make their own mistakes - but dealing with the effects of the behavior - helping her pick up the pieces, listening to the drama, etc - has gotten very old. It has really come to a head in the past months as she has just become COMPLETELY self absorbed and a really terrible friend. Everything is about her, her, her. She is also insanely jealous that I am married and she is not (of course, if she would just act normally she could be married too! she is pretty and successful- nothing wrong with her at all except that she acts like a crazy person). There is a group of four of us who are close friends from college and she has been saying pretty horrible things to each of us about each other, too. Really mean things. I guess she is seeking some kind of validation that our lives aren't so great either, I have no idea. She is also deeply in debt despite a high income and had to move out of her apartment to try to pay off some of the debt. My parents opened their home to her and she "repaid" them by spreading some horrible rumors about my mother that are not even true. She told one of the other close friends that my mother said all of these awful things about him, that she is an alcoholic, and a compulsive liar. None of these things are remotely true. To me, this is the last straw. Now she is on the verge of making some potentially life altering decisions that are going to truly harm her on a scale that nothing else has come close to yet.
I just don't know what to do. Do I confront her? Is there a point to that? I think when you are dealing with someone who is clearly so mentally ill, confrontation may just be pointless. Do I just cut off all contact with no explanation? I literally have no idea what to do. We have been very close friends for eight years. Like I said, she has always had some issues, but in the last two years they have just really spiraled out of control, in the last six months especially. The sad thing is that she has so many great qualities and is really fun to be around, a really smart person, etc when she is not spiraling out of control like this. |
Anonymous
| Lose her--fast. I could never forgive anyone for spreading lies about my parents. You said it was the last straw, now make it the last straw. |
Anonymous
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Yes, just cut her off. No need for a "confrontation"-- what purpose would it serve?
FWIW, I had a friend like this. I cut off all contact for many years, just stopped talking to her or taking her calls. We did actually get back in touch eventually, after she had straightened out her life to a degree-- I mean, she's still kind of messed up but she's less self-destructive than she had been. (High praise, I realize.) But, we live on opposite ends of the country now, so our "relationship" is talking once or twice a year via Christmas cards or Facebook. She's way too exhausting to be a big part of my life ever again, but I can manage this level of interaction. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| Shut her out now. She is toxic and vicous for doing that to you and your family. She no longer deserves your friendship. How on Earth could you call someone so horrible a friend anyway. She's not and she sounds like she's out to get you and your friends. Buh-bye!! |
Anonymous
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Protect yourself and cut it off.. I had a friend that was somewhat mental too- she was always going after stores and restaurants demanding they pay her for bad service ___<fill int he blank>__ She was the type to call me constantly about dumb things and expected me to be free but hung up when she finished her drive or didn't pick up her phone since she was busy.. Everything revolved around her. The last straw for me is when she wanted me to call and act like i was somebody to get "evidence" that the restaurant had done something to her. I was in the middle of a personal crisis and she really didn't care.. It is nice not to have that drama!!
Frankly, I think it's way past the time to get rid of this "friend"- really nothing too friendly about what she has been doing at all. She sounds very destructive - not just to herself.. remove yourself from that path. It also seems like she is escalating her actions towards others and you don't want to be there when she hits her "peak" - she's just getting worse mentally. No confrontation- it would solve nothing and better to disappear with as little confrontation as possible given her frame of mind. |
Anonymous
| She repays your parents' generosity by spreading nasty lies about them? She goes behind all your mutual friends' backs to say nasty things about them to each other? You DEFINITELY need to cut this woman off. But if you want to say something before you do, tell her how much the friendship has meant to you over the years, and how hurt and confused you are by her behavior lately, and that you wish her well but you aren't willing to put yourself through the pain of being around her anymore. You could suggest that she get help, but that may be even more likely to enrage her. |
Anonymous
| It's going to be impossible to "disappear quietly" from this person's life. You will be her next target if you try to break off the friendship. Can you stomach one polite lunch every now and then? I know that's no way to live, but neither is dealing with someone spreading lies about you and trying to turn your other friends and family members against you. |
Anonymous
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The reality is that she is not going to change for you and she probably won't take it well if you try to confront her. No positives there at all. It sounds as if she's truly one of those toxic negative people who suck the life out of you. She's done awful things to your family, she's selfish, she's nuts. Bottom line: her negatives far outweigh her positives and life is too precious to waste time on people like this.
I had a toxic "friend" for many, many years and I finally came to the realization that I didn't really respect her, and though there were things I liked about her I just didn't like her anymore. Being with her or dealing with her drained me. I just let the relationship drop off. I took forever to respond, only communicated via email, responded less and less and then just didn't anymore. It's been a couple of years and it's a huge relief. It's freedom. |
Anonymous
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Set an example for everyone else and just exit. Steadfastly, unwavering, and quietly. Don't complain or explain. Wish her the best if others bring her up, then change the subject. The only way to exit the drama is to stop participating. Don't be a hostage. Freedom from this madness will be beautiful! |
Anonymous
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I always feel bad for those horrible people that are actually mentally ill. They are so unpleasant no one can really help them!
So walk away, and tell her the truth. After so many years of intimacy, the truth is owed to her. The truth is liberating. Who cares what she says now to anyone? No one will believe her, right? "I loved you as a friend, and wish you well now, but cannot tolerate that you spread rumors about my mother when they welcomed you into their home. You are spiraling out of control and to protect myself I have to walk away. Good bye." |
Anonymous
| 21:21 again. Actually, I would say all these things and more in a letter. She would not be able to interrupt you or blow up this way, and it will likely make more of an impression, and maybe eventually do some good. |
Anonymous
This is HORRIBLE advice. Don't be held hostage by someone that thrives on chaos. Cut her off! |
Anonymous
I know it sounds like horrible, but the melodramatic advice above to tell her the truth and cut her off is actually the terrible advice. You may not think you can be hurt by someone like this because you are virtuous, but being virtuous won't protect you from hurtful gossip and rumors. Most people simply won't ask you about it -- they'll either assume it's true or decide they don't need any drama in their own lives and distance themselves from it all. OP will wish in retrospect she had put up with one or two lunches per year if she throws gas on some mentally ill person's fire. |
Anonymous
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Too much drama, OP. I don't ask much from my friends. But backstabbing? No. F***ing. Way. Be rid of her like the plague she is. No pomp and circumstance. Just move on. Trust me, you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders. You need people in your life who know how to be and show they are happy for you. |
Anonymous
| If someone did something like to my parents (not to mention me or my friends) they would never, ever in a million years be considered welcome in my life. She doesn't care about your feelings why would you care about hers. How exactly is she a friend? She sounds evil! |