when to walk away from a friendship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:21:21 again. Actually, I would say all these things and more in a letter. She would not be able to interrupt you or blow up this way, and it will likely make more of an impression, and maybe eventually do some good.

OP, do not write her or call her, just stop all communication and association. Believe me, you will not be sorry because I had a friend similar to this and unless you are a psychiatrist or psychoanalyst then you can't help her. Get her out of your life and do no look back.

[Anonymous]

I recently was in a similar situation. I got so sick of the calls to do nothing but bitch. Between school,work and family I did not have the energy or the patience for her BS. I am not a therapist,please go to yours more. Anyhow, break off any communication with her. A letter/email will just make matters worse.

[Anonymous]

She sounds a lot like my sister. I cut her off over 3 yrs ago and it has been a huge relief (aside from my mom & brothers telling me...ME...to get over it even tho they know full well out toxic and downright mean she can be.) Still worth it.

[Anonymous]

I am watching the replies to this closely... I really think you just described my Best Friend. I've been considering walking away for 2 years now, she is way too much drama and the lies! Oh the lies.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend just like this from HS. At various points, she claimed (falsely) to have cancer and to have gotten pregnant, apparently just to draw attention and sympathy for herself. She tended to have massive blowouts with other friends, with her always being the victim. She also lived with another friend's parents off and on who felt badly for her - all the while constantly badmouthing their daughter. I always knew she was kind of difficult and weird, and we had absolutely nothing in common anymore, but I only had sporadic contact with her and so I rationalized maintaining the friendship since we'd known each other so long. Then one day she decided to go after me - angry apparently that I didn't get in touch when I was back in our home town visiting family after my mother had died. I had kids, a career, and no time for this kind of junior HS bullshit. I just walked away without engaging in the drama. I know she continues to badmouth me to friends, some of whom she has spent years trashing, and the only time I have heard from her was an invitation to a baby shower and a really ungracious thank you note for the gifts I sent.

The one thing I learned is that no good can come in playing along with people like this; I feel guilty for the years in which I was a party to her nonsense by listening to (and yes, sometimes participating in) her gossipy nastiness against other friends.

OP, in your shoes I would just exit the friendship without saying a word; yes, she will probably say all kinds of nasty things about you but what she really thrives on is the drama. Deprive her of that and you'll come out ahead in the end.

[Anonymous]

It's clear your friend has issues far beyond your or anyone else's control. You should first understand that she is wired differently and is not and will never be like you. Even when she does get better she'll require different needs than most of us (ie stricter structure, zero alcohol/substances, more time alone). You should step back to let her work on her. Politely lay it out and let her know you care about her and that you are here to support her. She probably has something that doesn't mix well with and/or is exacerbated by alcohol. She likely has no clue what she's doing wrong since probably no one has been honest with her because they "don't want to anger her" and by doing so abet in the gossip. There is also the fact that we live in such a politically correct society where those who don't "get it" are out of the game. It's obvious people aren't her strong point and she should limit herself so as to not get carried away. She needs help and she also needs to be shown the way literally.

[Anonymous]

Op, I would be depressed from being your friend!

[Anonymous]

What loss is it to you if you walked away OP? She's caused you and your family insult so do you really care if you never talk or see her again?

And if your "friend" has the vicious cycle of purposely causing people hurt, why would she care if she even heard from you again?

Unless she is willing (key word being "willing") to get medicine for her depression or therapy sessions or something than it's pointless.

[Anonymous]

OK this is creepy, but the PP with the lying cancer friend just described my best friend, except she has 'lupus'... We've been best friends for 15 years and she has always lied about stupid little things to get attention, but I felt sorry for her and never said anything. Recent years, she has interferred in my family, caused massive fights between my Mom, brother and I by stirring the pot, playing the victim and triangling everyone. She has skin problems, maybe dermatitis or something, but she tells everyone she has lupus. I'm an RN and know she does not have lupus, plus she spells it 'lupas'... I kind of feel like if she had lupus, she would know how to spell it. 5 years ago she fell in love with a guy after knowing him one week, and moved to England. They guy was totally creeped out and refused to see her, and actually ended up dating her cousin (who lived in England). They cousin has now been with this guy for 4 years and my friend can't get over it. Not only can she not get over this one week affair, she now lies and tells everyone that they were engaged, when they really only had drunk sex one time. Anyways, she can't get past this and just uses it as an excuse to do nothing with her life and wallow in misery. Yes, what her cousin did wasn't nice, but come on, it was drunk sex 5 years ago, get over it!!! 12 months ago she was fired from her job and she hasn't looked for a job once. Not once. She says she has worked hard and deserves to rest. This year I really have distanced myself from her because I don't respect her any more. Her lack of work ethic, issues telling the truth, and her just all around 'poor me' attitude. Problem is she is close with my brother and manipulates him to the point where he feels sorry for her and invites her to family events including Xmas. I would love to tell her exactly what I think of her, but she is insane, so I'm keeping her at arms length.

Wow, that felt good to get it all out!!

[Anonymous]

I agree that you need to cut her off. Normally I would say that you should give her an explanation but with her "fatal attraction" history I would say no. I can see no good reason to continue this friendship. She (and PP's similar friends) sounds like a raging Borderline Personality Disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:21:21 again. Actually, I would say all these things and more in a letter. She would not be able to interrupt you or blow up this way, and it will likely make more of an impression, and maybe eventually do some good.

I think this approach might be a good one, hearing the truth is one thing but seeing it in black and white can have more of an impact. It sounds like if you cut her off without a word, she will continue to stalk you and your friends a la Fatal Attraction style until she gets an explanation. She sounds a little unpredictable and out of control, at least this way there is some sense of closure, and you are making it clear that you want her to leave you and your family alone.

[Anonymous]

Fade out slowly. Don't return calls or emails. If she confronts you and demands an explanation, I would keep it simple and focus on the fact that she talked s*&^ about your mom. Expect that she will spread rumors about you (and if your friends believe her? reevaluate those friendships too). When mutual friends inevitably ask you to hang out when she's there, simply say that you're not friends anymore so you prefer to do things separately. You will probably end up distancing yourself from more than just her, but such is life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I would be depressed from being your friend!

Good Morning to the "maybe you are the problem" poster!

[Anonymous]

OP: I can't write much at the moment, but your post is very thoughtful. While some posters here apparently ready your post in a Black + White manner, you well describe the gray, nuanced aspects of the relationship. Good luck with your next steps. The best to you and to your friend. I hope she is able to recognize her patterns and enjoy as much success in her personal life as she appears to do at work.

[Anonymous]

OP...I am so sorry you have to deal with such horrible treatment. She sounds heartless, but perhaps she is severely depressed. That doesn't excuse her behavior, but it's something it sounds like you suspect. Please don't write a letter. You never know how it will be interpretted and we don't know how unstable she is. I know these days all the pop psychology gurus say to confront, but I think with someone unstable you may need to walk on eggshells. I would be very sweet and very busy. I would not cut ties completely, but take a looooong break. Maybe she will get help and make amends. Who knows?

I've been there too OP and it sucks. One chose friend from college is a recovering alcoholic. At her worst she was quite emotionally abusive toward me and I took a break, but also tried to take the highroad and support any efforts she made to get help. She has been in and out of rehap snd basically I tty to upport while keeping her at arms length. Any time she gets the least bit abusive I take another break.

Have another friend who was cruel and nasty while suffering a SEVERE case of post partum depression. When she refused to get help I took a break. Finally her husband convinced her and now that she is at a MUCH better place she has so many regrets about how horrible she was to people. Our friendship has changed, but it still exists because she made amends and this awful time was several years ago.