Marriage stress about when we are "ready" for TTC

[Anonymous]

I know this may seem psycho that I am so stressed out. My husband would like to wait until we own a house before we start TTC. We rent. It may be another 2 or 3 years before we are in a house (partially because he is very particular about not wanting a long commute (He works downtown), which means we are going to have to wait longer to save more money. I know it must be my biological clock but I am starting to freak that we are going to have fertility issues. I am 29. My mother conceived naturally at 28 and 30. Is there such a major difference in my fertility at 29 than there will be at 32 or 33? I know that the financially responsible thing to do is wait, but honestly, I don't know if we will ever be "ready" financially. I am sure that DH will always think we need to save more, put more away for college funds, private school tuition, etc. I get where he is coming from, but I am so freaked that we will get to the "right" time when we're "ready" and I'm 36 and we can't conceive. Am I crazy?

[Anonymous]

As you think about the tradeoffs between waiting long enough and waiting too long, here are a couple of very informative short articles about how/when age-related fertility problems typically develop:

http://www.advancedfertility.com/age.htm

http://www.ebfertility.com/EducationalArticles/AgeandFertility.aspx

[Anonymous]

I don't think your crazy, but perhaps a bit premature. Unfortunately, with fertility, you never know until you start trying if you are going to have a problem. The guidance is try for 1 year (if you are under 35) before seeking assistance. If you are over 35, it's try for six months.

What you may want to think about is how many kids you want. If you wait until you are in your mid-30s, the first child may come quickly, but since fertility does decline as you get into your late thirties, if you want more than one, you may have trouble with your second or third.

It's a big issue that couples need to decide together. Perhaps a talk with your doctor will help. That's what finally got my DH moving on this, but I was 37 by the time we started trying.

[Anonymous]

Speaking from my own experience. I was like your husband - first wanted a house, then to finish my graduate degree. By the time I was ready (36), I was not able to conceive (had a miscarriage at 37). So long story short, don't wait - if it happens, it will be a blessing. If you wait until ready and then not able to conceive, you will always blame your husband or yourself and the whole situation is just heartbreaking.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds like mine. I was ready to TTC at age 31, but he was in the middle of a PhD, wanted to be more secure financially (even though we already were fairly financially secure). He didn't want to TTC until 35, but we agreed on 33. I am now 36 and still no baby. We've been at it for 3 years -- 1.5 years trying naturally, 1.5 years trying with IUI and IVF. There was no way for us to know that we would have a hard time TTC on our own and even with ART. And there's definitely a part of both of us that can't help but wonder if we would've had these problems if we tried earlier. That's our story, but then I also know of people who tried for the first time at age 36/37 and had no issues. There's no right or wrong answer, you just have to think of the possible outcomes and figure out what you're comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you. There's no reason you need to own a house before having a baby (DD seems to be just fine in our rented apartment), and as my sister-in-law said to me once, "If you wait until you have enough money, you'll never do it." Having a baby means a financial hit no matter how much money you make, but if you want it, you figure out how to make it work.

Is it possible your DH is actually anxious about having a kid and is transferring his anxiety, knowingly or unknowingly, onto the financial piece? Maybe there's a way to talk through some of the issues with him in a productive way.

Best of luck to you!

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Your situation sounds so much like mine. At your age (I'm 31 now) my DH and I started to discuss this and it became clear we weren't thinking about things the same way. He also wanted to wait (for financial and housing reasons) but after many arguments, it became clear he was just making excuses and wasn't ready to be a father. We argued for the next 2 years, really putting a strain on our marriage. We just recently started TTC and to be honest, it hasn't gone well. This has no bearing on what will happen with you, but to be honest part of me does resent the fact that we waited and wonders if trying a few years ago would've had better results. Obviously, 2 years probably didnt change the world but its hard not to think that way. Best of luck to you. I know how you feel!

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound to me like you should worry about age just yet. I believe I have read that fertility starts going downhill after 35, so if you are wondering what the difference would be between 29 and 32, I would guess any potential problems won't be age-related.

That said, I can see both sides of this. I was actually more in your husband's position when my husband and I were deciding when to start TTC. We waited a long time to get married, mostly because of him, and I had always made it clear that I wanted to be married for a while before we had a baby. But once we got married, he was ready to get started on the baby thing right away, and that caused a lot of problems for us. We ended up waiting for about 10 months and were lucky to get pregnant right way. For the second one, again he was ready much earlier than me, and again we had a lot of arguments about it. I am 35 now, we had a miscarriage and it is taking longer, and I will be lying if I didn't admit to feeling bad sometimes for postponing having another baby. However, I still firmly believe that until both want this equally, it is not a good idea to have a baby, and my husband agrees and reassures me I have nothing to regret or feel bad about.

Before I continue rambling, I just wanted to say that I don't think you have age to worry about just yet, but I understand how hard it is when the ideas of timing don't align between spouses. It will work out, as long as you communicate and are honest with each other, and as long as both of you have equal amount of consideration for the other's feelings and concerns.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks so much for the honest advice. DH and I need to spend more time talking about it and I need to stop being crazy. I honestly spend a couple hours a day with this issue int he back of my mind. Ugh, I feel crazy.

[Anonymous]

i think you need to consider how many kids you will eventually want. if you start at 33 and are set on three, for instance, you may feel rushed between kids to conceive. that's my experience.

good luck. there's never a perfect time to be pregnant (and i say this even as someone who has struggled with infertility) but at the same time it's a HUGE deal of course and you want to go in eagerly, ideally, not with hesitation.

[Anonymous]

29 is not that young in terms of fertility. It actually begins to decline around age 26 and then very sharply at 35 (not to mention birth defects if and when you do get pregnant). If you both want kids try to compromise without waiting too much longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:29 is not that young in terms of fertility. It actually begins to decline around age 26 and then very sharply at 35 (not to mention birth defects if and when you do get pregnant). If you both want kids try to compromise without waiting too much longer.

Wow, I know that technically all of these stats are true, but this post just sounds so negative. Yes fertility declines some at 26 but 29 is still young, PPs are right, the precipitous decline doesn't begin until 35.

[Anonymous]

That is why I am freaking. 29 is not that young. We both want no more than 2 children, at least we agree there! I'd like them about 2 years apart. so if we wait until I am 32 for #1, if we get lucky and things go well, we'd be looking at 34/35 for #2; which is getting into more dangerous territory. Thinking in these terms makes me feel like such a nutty, type A planner, but I am so concerned.

[Anonymous]

More precipitous decline at 35 is an average. Some women go through this earlier, some later. There's just no way to know.

[Anonymous]

I personally would not bring a child into a world where he or she had to live in rented accommodations.